10 Solid Reasons Its Okay To Find Happiness as an Alienated Parent

Hey y'all. What's happening? I just dropped my watch and the fa it landed face down like wow right onto the tile floor. Lovely. Anyway, um okay. So today, hi, how are we doing? We today are going to be talking about happiness in a different way than we have in the past. I can remember growing up and in fact all the way through, let me pull my notes up. In fact, all the way through um my adult life up until a few years ago really, I believed that, and I know I got this from my mom really, but um I grew up believing that if I was supposed to be angry, then I needed to show it outwardly. I needed to be commit to anger as the only emotion that I was feeling for however long it took to get

my point across. It wasn't I didn't always use it as a manipulation tool. It was just like you need to understand my pain or you need to understand my position. So I ended up sort of performing it like it was my job or my duty. If I was sad then I needed to be visibly sad and I carried that into all my relationships. It was as if when we're talking about the pain side of things, the quoteunquote negative side of things, it was like as if I was guarding my pain perspective, you know, and it took a lot of energy. I just thought that this is how it should be truly like if you're angry, you have to live anger. You have to show that so that everybody understands your perspective, your point

of view. And so as an alienated parent, you probably know the feeling, and I don't mean that you guys all had my experience. I'm sure many of you had other experiences in that. But as an alienated parent, I know that many of you anyway know the feeling of catching yourself in a moment of happiness and then immediately feeling sick about it because in your mind, maybe that's sending the wrong message. Like maybe you laugh with a friend or you're enjoying a moment out away not thinking about your situation with alienation or your child children or you feel proud of something that you did at work and then this superstar thought hits right which is like what kind of parent am I to feel

happy when my child isn't here when they're being abused when they're whatever is going whatever your narrative is right a while back we talked about the happiness set point the idea that we tend to have a baseline fine level of well-being that we drift back to over time. Today, I want to zoom in on something more immediate, which is those little pockets of playfulness or joy even that show up right smack in the middle of your grief and why they might feel like betrayal. And we're also going to talk about the difference between hydonic adaptation, which is the hydonic treadmill that I mentioned in that episode, and the grief joy coexistence. We're also going to talk about the guilt

that comes up when your child or others, onlookers, whoever fault you for being happy. And then I'm going to walk you through 10 specific reasons it is not only okay, but it's actually wise to let some happiness in while you're grieving the loss of memory making with your child during alienation. I've got a lot of notes here. I'm not sure how much of it I'm actually going to use, but there are some segments. I'm going to be moving quickly today. Though the first segment, I've titled it as a flexible baseline, not a fixed destiny. You might remember from the happiness set point episode that researchers have noticed something about us as humans. That we tend to have an emotional home base that

we drift back to after big highs and lows, right? I want to be really clear here though. The idea was never meant to say, and I did state that in that episode. It was a long one. It was never meant to say that you're stuck where you are forever. That your happiness set point will always remain the same. In fact, a lot of newer work, a lot of newer research has challenged the old rigid version of that set point theory. What research is showing nowadays is more along the lines of that many people do show a tendency to stabilize into a certain range of well-being over time, like over a long months, years, time window. But there's also a significant group of people whose happiness moves up

or down in lasting ways too, right? So you can actually shift your happiness set point. You're not always stuck with this static sane set point from birth until death. Not if you don't want, especially if you're doing the work, listening to podcasts like this one, and doing your own work outside of this. Instead of the consumption, you're actively doing work to heal yourself. That work will bring you to what is called post-traumatic growth. So, especially after major life events and intentional changes in how you think and you live. I don't personally look at hydonic adaptation as some sort of life sentence. I see it as a description of your nervous system's effort to find

some sort of stable ground after being thrown off a cliff. Or so it feels like. Yeah. And that baseline is not carved in stone. The studies suggest that things like your habits, your relationships, your environment, your thinking patterns, and your healing work can gradually shift that home base over time. Like I was just talking about, for the purposes of today's conversation, I'm bringing this up for one reason and one reason only, to normalize the fact that your system will try to give you little islands or little pockets of relief even when you're in the middle of the alienation, the grief of alienation. That is not the universe erasing your love from your child. That is not you

moving further away from the memories of your child and the closeness, the bond. That is your body trying to keep you alive. Not that I I don't mean to make that sound so dire. That's just the way our systems work. You know, it's it doesn't want we cannot sustain being at a 10 on nervous system activation for long periods of time. So, um, then we layer I'm going to talk about that more in a second, but then we layer on this other reality that I want to talk about today. Grief and joy can show up at the same time. And I know that we've you if you've been listening for a while, you've heard me talk about this, but that coexistence is different from, oh, I've adapted and I'm fine now.

like, oh, now that it's gotten so far away that time heals all wounds, which by the way is But, um, in my opinion anyway, but that, oh, I've adapted, I'm fine now, or I can deal, or I'm forgetting, man, was one of the other ways that people sort of think about it in their mind. But it's not. It's more like I'm still in pain and my system is also craving or remembering how to let in a little bit of okayess alongside that pain. So let's define what grief joy coexistence actually is. Grief joy coexistence is the experience of still deeply grieving and at the same time having moments of joy, relief, gratitude or even excitement. It doesn't mean that the grief is gone. It doesn't

mean that the loss is resolved. It means that your emotional life is complex and layered. The old distorted rules around grief usually sound like some version of like I was just talking about in the in the intro. If I'm happy, I must not be grieving enough. Or another one, the other side of the same coin is if I'm grieving, I'm not allowed to also feel happy. I'm not allowed to exude happiness, show happiness on the outside because I have to be in my job right now is grieving. My job right now is to be broken, devastated, and everybody needs to see that because if they see something else, then I must be lying about what I'm going through or it must not be hurting

me as bad as it really is. You know, both assume grief and joy can't coexist. It's black white thinking, right? both use suffering as a loyalty test. Where I want to guide you toward is a more accurate and intentional belief. Something like I could be grieving and I can be happy sometimes too. Maybe more than sometimes. These moments of happiness don't reduce my love. They help my system survive it. For alienated parents, for us, grief, joy, coexistence might look like laughing at a meme or something that your friend sent you right after reading a horrible email from your co-parent, right? maybe like a stressful, which is so natural by the way, to be in a fullon stress response,

and then your body goes and tries to adapt by I was just watching um that show Good Girls again, you know, the repeats of it. And I watched it years ago, and maybe I mentioned this to somebody recently. Anyway, the lead actress, Beth, was waiting for her husband to get they she thought he was dead. She thought that her actions actually killed her husband. She's like all into full-on crime. Is this like housewife who bakes and does all the things, but anyway, full on crime and her husband goes into the hospital. She he's been shot and she thinks he's thinks he's gone. She loves him, too. She's takes him for granted and she's got a lot of problems, but she loves

him. And instead of crying, what does she do is she's got the giggles. She doesn't stop giggling. And and I'm sure that you've had a similar experience in your life where it almost is inappropriate to be giggling or laughing in the time where that's your judgment on yourself. But a lot of times it feels number one it's releasing endorphins. It's releasing um dopamine and all the things to allow for that giggle for the slap happiness of the situation. Even though it's not the situation it's not appropriate for for you in the moment it may actually be necessary. So enjoying another example is enjoying a new hobby and then noticing that your child never leaves your mind even while you're

engaged in it. Right? still in the background running around in the background of your mind even though in the moment whatever hobby you're doing you're really enjoying you really love it feeling a sense another um example I have is feeling a sense of ease on a day with no core emails no conflict and then all of a sudden panicking I've talked about this before at that ease means you're either getting used to your life without your child or that you are like there's a sense of urgency like you should be doing more the point I'm trying to make here is all of this can be true at once. The ache for your child and your capacity to feel a moment of lightness can coexist. I think the

misinterpretation is that and I kind of mentioned this a couple minutes ago that we think what we make it mean when we're having those moments like the duality or even more than duality like that there's a lot of emotions for you happening at once even experiences for you happening at once. We often and I hear alienated parents talk when I'm talking with you guys daily have this confusion or the story that you've adopted maybe going low-key in the background of your mind is that you feel like because you're having these moments that you're moving on or that they're going to become farther and farther away from you until their memories, your strong feelings of love,

devotion, connection, all those things sort of start to fade away. And that does not have to be true. Okay? But this is super painful to think about. You may interpret I've got written here that you may interpret these little pockets of okayess as proof that you're adapting to life without your child. And that interpretation can be excruciating. The internal commentary sounds like if I can laugh, maybe I never love them enough. If I have a good day, I'm forgetting them. Right? If I let myself enjoy this, I'll lose my edge and stop fighting. I hear this. I can't even tell you so often. I can't invite love, laughter, playfulness, joy, all the good feelings into my life because

I'm going to lose my edge and then I'll stop fighting. I'll make my life too enjoyable to want to fight. And that does not have to be true. You can be purposed on a mission to do something and then also have areas of your life for reprieve. In fact, those those are necessary and I'm going to talk about that in a minute. There's also a loyalty bind that goes on underneath all of this. There's this idea that I have to stay and kind of like I mentioned a minute ago, I have to stay invisible pain to prove how much I love my child. Okay, I have to. That's the name of this game. If I'm a devoted parent, then I must stay in pain. I must mourn. There must there's a period. But how long is

that period? Who's to say? You know, and the other idea is that if I soften, I'm being disloyal, saying, you know, this is where the line that we talked about just a minute ago matters. Misreading the grief, joy, coexistence as hydonic adaptation can trigger guilt for you. And I'm going to be talking about guilt after this next section coming up. But the idea is I must be moving on from my child. when in reality the small joys are a sign of regulation not indifference. I want to say this again these small joys that you allow yourself to experience the grief joy coexistence those are actually signs of your body's attempt desire craving to regulate you not to make you indifferent.

Okay. So, your nervous system coming down out of full-blown fight, flight, freeze for a few minutes does not equal you deciding, I'm fine without them. It equals your body saying, "I need a moment to breathe so I can keep going." So, let's quickly tease apart the two ideas that your brain tends to lump together. Regulation is where your nervous system gets even a brief chance to shift out of hyperarousal. Your breath deepens, your muscles soften, maybe your thoughts slow down a little bit. You might feel a hint of calm, curiosity, humor, connection, playfulness, like I was just mentioning. Indifference, on the other hand, is emotional flatness. It's not caring,

right? It's checked out, gnome, detached in a way that really does feel like I don't have skin in this game anymore. And that can also be you going into freeze mode, hypo, right? These two are not the same state, though. Your regulation and indifference are entirely different states. You can be regulated and still absolutely care is my point here. You can have a moment of joy and still be the parent who would move mountains for your child. Children, think about times when you've had like a huge, this is what I was kind of referred to as a when you've had a huge big cathartic cry. Afterwards, there's this weird sense of lightness or calm. The love didn't shrink. The situation

didn't magically fix itself. It's just that you felt better after that cry. Your body just completed a wave and now you've dropped down just a tiny little bit from overwhelmed to manageable, barely manageable at times, but still it's because you've released. That's why many of these happy moments are actually are little micro regulations. Sometimes it feels like I like I was mentioning with um the good girls episode, it's seems involuntary there. your system saying, "I cannot stay at a 10 out of 10 forever without breaking." So, there's a messy middle. Grief is not a staircase where you go from devastated to fine in some straight line. It's a big messy scribbly line up, down, back,

forth, right, left. It might look like waking up with your chest heavy and then having an unexpectedly light conversation with a coworker or a friend. feeling so tired and over it, right? But then something lifts you out of it for a hot second when you forget about the heaviness of your chest when you allow your body to take over. Okay? Um or your environment to uh come in, spending an hour sobbing in your car and then laughing later that night watching the show, like I was saying, feeling joy with a new partner and then crying yourself to sleep thinking about the child who wasn't there. thinking about the bedtime routine that you did not perform. These fluctuations do not mean

that you're unstable. They mean that you're alive and that you're human and that your emotional system is trying to metabolize something enormous for you. The fear is if I let myself enjoy these moments, I'll slide away from my child. I'll forget how bad this is and I'll stop caring. What's actually happening is your system is trying to build you a life wrapped inside of a situation that is not changing fast enough on the outside. This is your body's way of caring for you and providing these little emotional vacations for the the heaviness of the situation. All right. Now, we're going to get to the why. I'm giving you 10 reasons why allowing happiness, joy, playfulness, all of the

good good yummy feelings support you in your child. I want to reframe joy and okayness as not only allowed but protective here during this. So number one being happy preserves or being open to happiness uh joy all the things preserves your long-term capacity. Chronic unrelenting stress burns out your nervous system and makes it harder to think clearly advocate for yourself and function in your court right on the stand on in during the whole legal process and also in your daily life. Moments of happiness act like micro reboots so that you can stay in the quoteunquote fight over years, not just days, weeks, months. Number two, it keeps your identity bigger than the alienation.

I speak from experience here that alienation will swallow your entire identity. If you never let yourself feel joy in other areas like your work, friendships, creativity, humor, you end up becoming nothing but the grief. Letting yourself experience happiness in other roles reminds you that you are still a whole human, not just a victim of this situation here, okay? Not just a victim of the alienating parent. That sense of being more than the alienation is protective against despair. Number three, it models resilience for your child's future self. Even if your child cannot see clearly right now because they maybe they don't, there may come a day when they look back and

realize, "My parent was going through hell, right, and still found a way to keep living, rebuild their life, which can give them a template for their own hard seasons." And here's something really important is that our children are led to believe if your parent really loved you, they'd be miserable without you. Your choice to cultivate grounded true happiness challenges that story. Not because you're directly challenging it. You're just demonstrating what it really means to be resilient to have the tenacity and the courage to keep living even though you've been devastated. Number four, it reduces the risk of resentment towards your child. When you secretly demand constant suffering from

yourself for their sake, it's easy to build a ledger that you don't even realize is there. I gave up everything for you. And this is how you return the favor. You know, I hear that a lot. Over time, that can curdle into resentment toward your child, toward the system, toward yourself, toward the alienating parent, as if there's not enough already of that. Allowing appropriate healthy happiness now means you're not keeping score as much. Your love can stay cleaner, right? Less entangled with martyrdom. Number five, it lowers the chance of selfdestructive coping. When you forbid yourself any healthy pleasure connection or relief, your system is more likely to

reach for a way to try to escape. That's when things like substance use, compulsive behaviors, or other sort of selfharming patterns. And when I say self harming, it doesn't need to be outwardly selfharming. They could also just be like self-sabotaging, quiet, self-sabotaging, not doing the work that you're gonna get paid for, like, you know, in your uh profession, whatever it is that you do, because you're too busy doom scrolling or what have you, which will end up screwing you in the end. Um, but you just need a relief in the moment and it feels like gosh, I just need a reprieve. Can't I just give a minute of my own time? But that's because you've been starving yourself all the way out.

Maybe, you know, so and then go back to where I was or other selfharming patterns can start to look appealing because they're the only off switch available. Letting small, safe, even productive joys. A night out dancy, walks in the park just because, creativity, some sort of creativity, expressing your creativity, genuine laughter, what have you, gives your body other ways to exhale. It's harm reduction for your nervous system. Number six, it supports secure attachment energy for later reunion. If and when your child is ready to reconnect, they will be walking into a relationship that already has so much grief stacked into it. There's so much disconnect that's happened. And so a

parent, you who has access to playfulness, curiosity, and warmth is going to feel a lot safer, as we've been talking about, I think pretty recently, than a parent whose emotional world is only rage, panic, or collapse, despair, all those things. It's going to be so much harder for you to access that authentically, genuinely if you're not used to doing it. If you're not practiced, that energy will transfer out. Joy now is actually you building the emotional flexibility plasticity you'll need later in order to co-regulate with them to hold their pain without drowning in it and to offer comfort without disappearing in it yourself. Number seven, it interrupts alienating narratives. Alienating

parents often paint you as broken, unstable, or unable to cope, unsafe to be around. They might say something like, "Look how messed up your mom or dad is. They can't even function without you." You building a life that includes genuine moments of happiness directly contradicts that story. Even if right now your child can't admit that it shows that you can be deeply affected and still capable, still loving, still present. It also, let's just say, I don't even think that I have this on my list. No, I don't. It takes some of the pressure off of them because they're already guaranteed somewhere inside of them if they've been denying you the relationship, rejecting, doing all the

things, there has to be, if they're human, a level of guilt, shame even inside of them, right? In fact, there's been research that proves this. And so, when they also see you miserable, decrepit, is that the right word? word I want to use here. Um, not functioning, right? That's only going to add to whatever grief, guilt that they're carrying. Again, I don't want you to take your focus off of you and only be doing it for their benefit. I mean, yes, I think that that is essential because you are their parent, but also really focus on your own narrative. Anyway, number eight, you being happy draws in the support that you deserve. People are more likely to stick around when they

see that being with you includes real connection, not only crisis and collapse. If you permit yourself to enjoy interactions, you're more likely to build and keep a support network. Right? I have, you know, I think I've heard it so many times and I know that I've felt the same way. Like, I don't want to be the person that's always droning on about my situation. I hear that from a lot of you, too. I don't want to be the friend that's constantly dragging everybody else down. And I don't think that like there's a time, there's a season that everybody goes through and we're going through it in a way that many other people don't experience it. It makes sense. It can be

appropriate and normal. Sometimes we do it to a fault. And I'm going to get I don't want to go into this too much because it'll go off topic, but we do it to a fault and clam up because we already many of us hold that narrative that like we don't even tell other people what's going on like outsiders that onlookers, you know, at school and teachers and just um maybe troop leader, you know, other parents that you kind of know, acquaintances. We don't want to go above and beyond to talk about the situation because one, it feels crazy the whole situation and it's so um confusing and then you you're so scared about what you're going to say. So you overly protect the whole situation where

the other, you know, the other side, if you will, the alienating parent is yelling it from the rooftops, right? So you're trying to to counteract that by being the opposite. But when it comes to your close friends and family, it is important to not carry that over and like become overly sensitive about sharing anything with them. I mean, like I said, I'm getting off topic. There's a there's a medium. There's a there's a sweet spot where you can be vulnerable, let people know what's going on with you, but also not make that the whole tone of your relationship. Now, you know, if you you're talking with friends that you've had for a long time that you trust, you know, you don't have to make

that the whole tone. In fact, inviting happiness and real connection in in other ways is really going to enrich those relationships. Okay? Supportive relationships are one of the strongest buffers against complicated prolonged grief, right? And mental health decline. Happiness here isn't superficial. It's one of the ways that you keep people close. It's the way that you can stay in a place of connection with those people as opposed to bringing them into the whole devastation narrative um energy level frequency is what I mean so that it doesn't pollute the relationship entirely. You know, we attract and we keep what we're aligned with. And so, yeah, you may be going through

something, but also remember that going through something doesn't have to be you don't have to be engulfed by it, which I know I please know that when I say that, I don't mean to sound tonedeaf to especially if this is just happening and it's very acute grief that you're going through right now, like meaning the first year of alienation or the first year that you've discovered that this is what you're going through. I I don't mean to sound tonedeaf. I mean there's a like again there's a time and a place and in the first year be being in the grief and feeling that is really also really important work to do. Okay. All right. Number nine. It honors the full truth of your love. Just like I was

talking about a little bit ago, there's this cultural script that says if you really love them, you be destroyed forever. But real love, and I didn't say this earlier, is big enough to hold both. the aching absence and the capacity to find beauty in all of it in or in other things. It's so important. Remember that real love holds is there for all of it. Your ability to feel joy doesn't shrink your grief. It reveals how wide your emotional range is. Maybe you're not fully there yet, but your willingness to expand it is also going to help you enrich your life. Okay? It's you saying, "My love is so deep that I'm learning how to carry it in a body that still needs laughter and light." Number

10, last one is inviting happiness into your life prevents grief from becoming your only bond with your child. I these aren't in order, but this last one is the one that I really wanted to finish with because you guys know if you've listened for a while that I'm really big on this. Don't make pain the only connection. Don't mistake it for your connection because it's not. When you lean into pain in order to feel closeness with your child, you end up feeling the opposite. Just check it in your mind. I have an episode on that too. But so if the only way that you feel connected to your child is through pain, the grief itself can start to become the relationship, it

makes it hard to imagine any future with them that isn't built on suffering. it feels like impossible to to reconnect with them without having it be all suffering going on from here forward like it's doomed forever. You know, allowing joy lets you carry other threads of the bond, too. Love, pride, memories, meaning, what have you. Grief is still there, but it's not the only thing tying you guys together. You modeling that even from afar will change the game eventually with your child. That's my belief anyway. Um, okay. Working with guilt. This is segment seven already. Actually, moving through this faster than I thought I would. And we only have like nine segments. So, working with guilt,

including when your child resents your happiness. This is something that does come up in session with some of my clients. It has over the years, lots, I guess. If you're hearing these reasons and thinking, "Okay, but I still feel horrible when I'm happy." That's where guilt comes in. Guilt and shame tries to keep you aligned with your values. That's its purpose here in this application, if you will. But in grief, it can become distorted and punitive, too. Add alienation to the mix and there's often becomes this other layer of your child, your ex or family members faulting you for being happy. You might hear messages like, "Must be nice that you're doing fine without your kid." or

if you really cared, you wouldn't be out enjoying yourself. This is disenfranchised grief. So, this is the external uh guilt that you might be feeling like guilt motivated by external sources. For an alienated child, the belief if my parent is happy, they must not be hurting enough about me. They must not care. Like if you're hearing them criticize you, if there's a back and forth sort of bickering that happens with them through text, through social media, whatever, sometimes that message that they're sending is organically theirs, but also other times it's been said to them by another adult. Either way, when it lands in you, it reinforces the rule that I'm only a good parent if

I'm visibly miserable. So when guilt shows up around happiness or playfulness, especially if your child has commented on your happiness, you might gently ask yourself, what is this guilt trying to protect me from right now? Okay, is this actually protecting my child or is it just punishing me? If my child is equating my suffering with my love, who taught them that? And do I want to reinforce that belief? Often the guilt is really trying to say please don't forget about what matters or please don't let them think that you've given up. That's another fear that parents have is if I show happiness then my child is going to think I've given up. I don't want them

to think that. That's not the message that I'm sending and that's definitely not how I'm feeling. That's not my actions. That's not where my head's at. So you can respond to yourself and maybe even out loud in some version of this is I definitely have not forgotten. I can remember what matters. I can keep loving you fiercely. And I can still go out, have coffee, go out dancing, laugh at some joke, enjoy this moment. I can have that all of that be true because I'm a human being. I mean, I wouldn't say it out outwardly like that, but you know what I'm saying. We might also hold this internal truth which is if my child is upset that I'm happy that tells me the story they are in not about

the depth of my love right if they've got judgments on me that's all about the story that they have going on their narrative because of outside influence the influence of the other parent or whoever Jayen it does not actually speak to the depth of my love for them the depth of my commitment my devotion and all the things one intentional rule that you can experiment with is if this moment gives my nervous system even a little bit more capacity. If it's promoting more a wider range of experiences, emotions, all the things, this ultimately serves my child and it serves our relationship, whatever future relationship we build instead of serving the alienation, which is what you want.

You don't want to be serving the alienation. You want to be reinforcing the alienation. I assume so. Your happiness isn't a verdict of not caring. It's one of the ways you stay resourced enough to keep caring over the long haul. So, let's tie this all together. Hydonic adaptation and happiness baselines describe a tendency. Our systems try to stabilize us over time, but those baselines are flexible for sure. Okay? And they don't erase grief. The grief joy coexistence describes the reality that you can be deeply grieving and still have moments of happiness. Maybe lots of periods of happiness, right? I do also relief, lightness, playfulness. Like I keep mentioning,

those moments are not evidence that you're moving on from your child. There are signs that your system is trying to protect you so that you can carry this love and loss over years if needed, not just days. Your love is not on trial every time you smile. I almost I really wanted to resist writing that and even saying it because it sounds a little I don't know cheesy but it's true. Your love is not on trial every time you smile every time you invest in yourself in something separate from your relationship with your child or this fight uh to win if you will alienation. Not that that's your motive but you know what I'm saying. So I'm going to just quickly I'm going to

reiterate on a physical level the reasons you want to invest in happiness for yourself. On a physical level small experiences of pleasure and connection reduce your chronic stress load which helps with your sleep, your immune function, your decision-m and emotional regulation. You being slightly more resourced or much more resourced means that you can think clearly in court, respond instead of react to provocation, and show up more consistently in the parts of your life that you still have some control over, lots of control over. And you can actually take back your agency in so many ways. And that's what I help my clients do on an identity level. Those moments also remind you

that you are more than the alienation. You are more than the alienation. Okay, you are still a friend, a partner, maybe a creator. We are all creators, a relative, sister, mother, father, brother, daughter, son, a person with humor, with preferences and opinions. Not letting the alienation swallow your entire sense of self is a way of protecting your humanity. And the last one, on a relational level, a parent whose nervous system has access to some regulation and some joy even is actually safer and more inviting for reconnection later. If and when your child comes back, I'd like to say when your child comes back, they will not need you to have been miserable every second to

believe that you loved them. They won't. They may say something, but I'm telling you, they'll need you, you as a parent, with enough capacity to attune, to listen, and not to collapse. They'll need you resourced. So, in closing for this week, here's a small experiment. If you have been in activation and like the opposite of happy, you haven't been allowing for that. Instead, I want you to notice one tiny moment that feels even 2% lighter and actually go create those moments, too. Lean into fun, lovely moments. A warm drink, a cold drink, depending on where you are in the world. You know, a quiet stretch of the road, a joke that makes you laugh, belly laughs, you know,

instead of shutting it down, see if you can whisper to yourself, "I'm allowed to have this." And and I still love my child. I can have both. You deserve that for yourself. You know, you're not moving on from them. You will not forget about them. I promise you. You're learning how to live with this pain in a body that also needs joy, connection, and rest. So, I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you stayed till the end, and I will talk with you again next week. Okay? All right. Take care, y'all.