Beyond The High Road Podcast

21. The Pain Of Alienation: Reasons Why We Hold On & Why It's Imperative To Let Go

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4 Reasons Why You Hold On/Why It's Imperative To Let Go - Beyond The High Road  Ep. 21

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you aren't listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 21. stay tuned hey guys so today we are going to talk about coaching yourself through health and why I think it's so important that you do jump on that train to fully healing yourself and it is an ongoing process but fully healing the way that you think wow yes you will hold on to some of the grief because we experience grief ongoing but I want to teach you how to befriend grief okay and so that is what we do on our monthly program okay in the healing and reinvention program but today I want to talk to you about healing your thinking around your situation and why I think it's

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imperative and some of the roadblocks that you might come into in your mind around healing and not even realize because they're more like subconscious Roblox okay so that's what we're going to be talking about today in the monthly program which you know for March we're going to be addressing just this we're going to be a addressing how to heal your thinking and this 30-day program you will have it's a 30-day resume work your daily doing thought downloads and you are learning how to refrain the way that you think now about your past and about your future so that you can use it to your benefit so it's learning how to coach yourself to grow through this and

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heal so you guys now is such a good time to join because February was fantastic we have a group of women that have been just so amazing and it's such a an uplifting atmosphere environment to be in and also we do even though we're going through some of some tough we're still having a ball doing it we're still having some fun moments so so yeah so March is just around the corner and starting March 1st we are going to be digging into that new program right learning how to coach your own self how to heal and how to grow through this to use your you know all of this stuff to your advantage to change your thinking From the Inside Out Actually March is 31 days to 31 days of a guided it's a

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structured framework for you to learn that so in in this 30 days you really do learn so much about how to heal your life you could just join for the month and be done if you wanted to I have a feeling you want to say but I mean you will have so much you'll have a great head start on healing your thinking and how to rewiring your brain after this next month so I think you should join it's ridiculously priced this is the last month's going to be this price and then it's going to go up above 100 and if you join now at 97 then you stay at nine to seven for the duration for as long as you stay in a member you know so it is like I keep saying it's a no-brainer it is like me just handing

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out expensive cars for a couple dollars you get a lot of value from it but anyway all right so I'm moving on to the episode okay hello guys let me tell you I have had a week say it at least I've been sick this week I had a sore throat that started on Tuesday I guess and I have this is try number three day number three of sitting down to record this episode so first off I just want to apologize I never would have seen this coming but I am late giving you guys a dropping this episode and I'm very very sorry for those of you that wait on it you know on either late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning please accept my apology it has really been a doozy so yeah this is my third attempt to sit

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down and record I've been all kinds of challenge this week but so I don't need to get into the huge details about this but basically I sat down on Tuesday and recorded and then because I had the sore throat I was like I'm just gonna scratch this I will wasn't really bullying myself and whatever so I thought oh well just re start it over on Wednesday and do it again and yesterday came and I got the bright idea in my head last week I tried like a little tidbit like a small video clip of the podcast because I've been thinking about doing adding video to it and so that you guys have both whatever one you prefer right some of you are more Visual and whatever so I

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tried a little bit last week it was no big deal easy as could be and then thought okay well I had the bright idea while I'm sick that I'm going to start the video podcast like for real this week and so yesterday started to do everything but I had to look all this stuff up and figure out which platform I was going to use for the video and how I could move that over into the script which is my editing anyway it's been full so again here I am on Thurs Day morning starting this whole process over so time to charm right so the good thing is is now I have all of my thoughts collected where normally I come in and I sit down and I just shoot from the hip everything is in the brain and notes

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outline is on the paper because I've done so many attention this week so enough about me I think I feel so important that you learn how to coach your own self to health okay like I was gonna word this a little bit differently even the last couple days but the more I think about it you're going to do your healing work your you know healing on your past in therapy right and in your own ways what I want to help you to do is to correct the thought errors and the way that you think about your past present and future the thoughts around what has happened those are the ones I think that are the most challenging for us this is where we get stuck most most of you say no I get stuck because the

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alienating parent is being a right or something which I'm not going to argue with but when we learn how to interpret and perceive what is happening we win always right when you can find your power and that is always as you guys know once said is always within you when you when you're able to access and harness that by the thoughts that you think then you are in an amazing spot right you're golden so that's what I want to talk with you guys about is the importance of like taking ownership and having Authority and agency over your own mind over your own thoughts and also we'll go into the objections we have to fully healing because there's four major areas or ways that we do that that I can

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think of so I'm going to start with first I'm thinking right now I still had my sore throat so and I'm still I'm exhausted but you know each day that I've sat down to do this I haven't been mad about it you know I actually love being able to connect with you guys even if it's this way I do feel connected and I don't know how to explain that because I've heard other people say that when they were doing their podcast before I started and I didn't really get that but now I get it like I it's I love being able to connect with you guys having said that I'm exhausted okay so here's the I'd like to tell you the reason why these things my topics come up for me because I think it gives you a little

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bit of insight into where where my head is at and so here's how this came up I have in the last I don't know a couple months or so I've been seeing posts either from other parents who are really needed and who are venting online about their situation okay and then I also see there have been a few posts on different platforms where people are encouraging the alienated parents to speak out and I'm gonna give you my thoughts on that now but this is why this whole topic came up where I want to help you guys as you know is with your own healing and with your own thoughts around what has happened right your own reinvention of yourself and recreating a new life for

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yourself while keeping room for your child or children right we know this so I normally do not address what I think you should do with regard to connecting with your child or children or going back to court or what you should say to it to your ex there's people out there that can help you with that and so I really truly try to stay focused on you the alienated parent alone because I also am that and I know I've experienced what you're feeling having said that I think that healing yourself fully and learning how to thrive and today and for your future is so very important for many reasons but one of them is so that if and when you do want to reconnect with your child or children that you do

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it and you're able to model for them and you know the best way you possibly can right and I I think that is important for you know some pretty obvious reasons first off children in general need to see a healthy adult in their life or somebody that they can model themselves after and even if it's not now and even if it's not in the way that you would choose to model to your child like obviously we would want the alienation to not be happening and you would want your child home with you so that you could teach them the way that you want to teach them right but because that's not the case you have to get resourceful if this is what you want to do and so what I think is so important is that in

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between now and then whenever that is that you heal yourself fully to the best of your ability so you can model what a healthy thriving resilient adult is who is acting at it from Love and not from regret or hatred or revenge or fear or helplessness okay so for your child's own like persona for their own self-worth going forward so this is one reason why I think it's so important to heal it's for their own good later on and I don't mean to put that on you as if like you must do this because if not you're gonna screw up your child that's not what I mean I just mean you could plan on reconnecting with them or you think it might be a possibility one day this is something that's so important I

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also truly believe for me that when I became a parent no matter what happens you know through thick and thin that it is my job to model so I will figure out ways to do it right that is my take you'll where your walk is and what your decision to do with with that that is that is yours you know so the for their self-worth it's just about looking at the big picture and being a you know a grown healthy adult or so that they see that because they don't see that right now they see somebody that is acting in hatred and out of fear and out of insecurity and out of Revenge right and this is no I'm not there's no judgment passed on the alienating parent this is not a stab this is not me looking down I

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don't mean it in that way truly I mean it they children need models right and and the more people that they see acting out of love and Purity and not feeling victimized and all that stuff the better off that they are okay all right also as you know when you are in a good spot a healed spot then you're not leaning on them when they do come back to you they don't you're not meeting them right and then so you're not in turn sort of adultifying them or trying to finding them by leading their specific reactions or responses to you to your attempts to show love I completely disagree with those people out there that say that you should always be quiet about alienation

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and you should never ever ever speak your thoughts about it and that you should keep quiet don't ever put anything online don't ever do and you know all the things I completely disagree with it and here's why I was one of those people that believed those people and I was like oh my gosh I can't say anything to anybody if not I'm gonna screw my child up and I was like literally feel it felt like I was walking on eggshells you know anywhere with anything I did I didn't want to say anything to anybody in the community to you know to my next door neighbor God forbid I put anything online I was like hushed right and that is exactly what I think Keeps Us alienated because we

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don't speak up okay so I have both there's a little of both here but I think that there's a fine line so when we don't speak up and when we stay quiet because we're I'm in fear of throwing our kid up we also are sort of acquiescing into this role of being like the beaten and battered uh you know X right figuratively speaking you know what I'm saying we are sort of helping that along alienation along for them we stay quiet and they win and we're just acting a victim and so for that reason I do not agree with it but what I think is very very important here is that if you are ever going to be present online you're going to be visible I think you need to be completely seen in the

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healing process not processing your feelings out there so that the world can see because it doesn't come off right and I hate to be about saying you know it's Optics are everything but really if you want to make a dent in this alienation you know as a whole and with your child all of it then you must be level-headed and that is something that I am I I feel very strongly about you don't have to share the opinion but I think it's so important that you don't you're not out there acting a little crazy because you still have all the feels okay like process behind the scenes speak out you know when you're thinking completely clearly and you have some distance from it does

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that make sense so there are Avenues these days that you can reach out to your children whenever it is that you feel comfortable doing that and it really depends on your situation too some people can email their kids and some people can even call or text their kids and then others can't like they may have supervised visitation and the alienator does what they do and usually it's their own interpretation of the poor order but electronic communication has been cut off because everything needs to be supervised right so if that is your case that is okay because this day and age is so different than 20 years ago or even 10 years ago because there's so many different social media

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platforms that are out there once you have done the work done daily thought work right and you're not feeling victim or feeling helpless or acting out of fear or anger or any of those things when you're you know going to post then you can demonstrate who you are what you're about and basically reach out to your child indirectly and not doing it in a way that's all leaning on them does that make sense you can you can be transparent out there without um you know without being transparent out there you know what I'm saying I just think that there's ways to connect with your children without having to you know reach out and need something in return that's basically what I'm saying

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okay like we can do it for work reasons we can do it for you know social reasons you can do it for whatever activist reasons right but if you can reach out to your children that's in the realm of possibility there's Marco Polo video app there's you know FaceTime and all the things right there's so many ways that you can you can connect with your children but if you were in the place where that is not possible once they get to the age where they are to be on the internet and doing the things I promise you there will be a day where they find you right so because they miss their parents of course they do they may not say that always or they may not be able to access that part of them but there

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will come a day okay so make sure you're healed before you do it that is my point don't go out there before you are okay so next I want to go into some of the reasons why we think we shouldn't heal we have like these Hang-Ups you ask yourself sometimes why am I not doing about this but you never really get to a full answer I want to help these come to surface with you okay so that you can identify them when they do happen and then be able to mitigate and move your thoughts so that you can heal okay because they're never a downside to Healing yourself and letting go of the the trauma okay there's not I don't see a downside to it okay so if you are holding on one of the reasons why we do

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this and we don't even fully think about it is that we think that if we process all of it and become completely healed whatever that is then by letting go of the trauma then we're also having to let go of our child or children like black or white thinking right like I if I'm fully healed then that means I've completely let go of my child so we hold on to the anger because you think that without it you won't have your child and I just want to let you know that this is something that's very common okay and especially for people that have gone through trauma especially and it's not true like it's not a thing in fact when you are able to process through and let

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go of and think about the trauma in a helpful grounded way then you have created so much more space inside of you in your head and in your heart for love to give love to receive love to all of it okay so it's it's not a thing you can embrace your child even more by letting go of the baggage around the situation then you're able to see find Opportunities to love find Opportunities to feel love okay another way we fight healing is that we think that we are minimizing the pain and the suffering of the alienating care and or your child has caused right if it looks like you are healed then they're gonna think that it's not a big deal what you went through and you need them to know that

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it was a big deal right what you went through does that sound familiar to any of you guys I have a feeling it does I think we've all done this to some extent you know think about like when you were in grade school and on the playground and a kid pushed you over and even though it didn't hurt when you fell you still kind of hung out on the ground a little bit longer so that they knew that they hurt you and you like made it known so that they really truly like you understand what you do did right or like soccer players they do it all the time they like overly act out their injuries and I know they do it for strategic reasons but yeah exactly all the more reason that's exactly what what I'm

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talking about here we want to optically make sure that they know what they've done and if we heal all the way then we're not going to appear that way and then we're not like punishing them in a weird way like but if you stay in your misery then they'll know what they've created in your life and it's so backwards thinking we all do it right in one way or another but so backwards because you're actually creating perpetuating so much more suffering and for some of you that might be I like really like light altering and not in a good way you could be staying in this and creating the stagnancy and maybe lack of income maybe your relationships haven't gone well because you're for

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actuating this because you want them to know what they've done right so this is something that is so beneficial for you to look at if you think that this could be possibly you yeah take a look at this look him then start to think oh my gosh like I'm actually adding suffering on top of suffering that's completely optional okay so that's the second way the third way that we do it is that sometimes you think that by healing that you will not have the drive then to fight it to fight the alienation to fight your your case some of you are you know listening to this podcast and it is a new situation for you and so you are kind of trying to maybe gather yourself save up money for an attorney or get

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some certain areas of your life situated before you do go back to court and so in that case I think and well in all cases but I think healing is especially essential for you and here's why I did I mentioned this in like episode five or six I think it was shifting your perspective the jaded one I could be wrong about that but I think it's there where I talk about how healing especially important for you because if you are going back to court or you have any litigation in the future going on there's plans for that or even if you're gonna you plan on fighting this privately like not in the family courts this is so important because you need to be able to recall events with Clarity

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with voice with accuracy and in the correct order and when you are up on the stand and you are going through stress response after stress response because you haven't processed through this stuff or haven't learned to think about and get step into the mindset where you are in your full power now today and looking back on it getting gaining some perspective from it when you all of a sudden enter right back into those scenarios when you're up on the stand that is an awful place to be and in that place you will not be living in your full power right so if you think that by holding on to some of this anger that it's going to like Propel you forward and give you the stamina the push like

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the the motivation to power through this custody battle with your ex let me tell you it's the opposite because you will wear yourself down you will be exhausted because you haven't yet stepped into the place where you have the perspective to be able to see it from above right instead you will step into each one of those scenarios or even in a stressful situation opening up an email from your ex if you are one of the ones that dreads having an email or my family was or whoever sent to you because you're scared of the you know the written beratement that you might receive right and every time you open those emails you enter right back into a place of feeling victimized and feeling helpless and

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feeling lower than okay so it's very important for that for like depositions this brings up a memory for me actually now that I'm thinking about it there was a time I was in it was years ago I was at a really poor spot with my self-worth and I had an attorney who was I believe passing along privileged information to the other attorney at the time I suspected something was going on but I wasn't sure anyway I sat down in the deposition and it was my ex and his wife and me and the attorneys and they were asking me his attorney was asking me a line of questioning that was just wow I felt like it was super demeaning you know how ugly you know how ugly things get in court this actually happened not

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just in this deposition but it actually happened the last time I went to court too but this line of questioning that his attorney was asking was just super ugly right you know what it's like if you're dealing with a high conflict custody battle right and so the thing is today if I was being asked those questions I would be the answers would be entirely different for sure but not only that I would be in such a different place I would have been able to rise above it right in that moment and I know that while I was sitting there in that moment that I sunk and sunk and sunk into my seat and I sort of acquiesced into this beaten and battered unworthy role what they were trying to paint me out to

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be I became in my seat sitting there right because I hadn't healed and I was still going through I was in another very very abusive relationship at that time and that one had really taken a toll on me on top of the alienation and I feel so sad I feel so much compassion for that version of me but I also know how much I would have benefited sitting in that seat and not being in that place where I literally just wanted to like crawl into a crack in the earth and disappear it was but it just came up to me while I was talking about the importance of healing and what the difference could be right all right so what was I talking about oh right so I was talking about

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healing and thinking that we're not going to have the drive to fight it right that if we accept it for what it is then we'll be weak right and if you like come to terms with everything and are in acceptance that all of a sudden that means that you'll be rolling over and just being like okay whatever and it's not the case at all when you are able to process through and let go a lot of a lot of this anger not only will you be less negatively charged when you're going to fight it but you're going to be able to think clearly and that is something that your ex is likely not going to be doing they're going to be acting and thinking and out of anger and revenge and all of those things and when

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you are not when you have uh your head on your shoulders and you're able to assess the situation for what it is I promise you that does not go unnoticed and also you will feel like you are in control of you in a situation and then you know no matter what the result is of that you know of the quote unquote fights you know no matter what the result is that you were present and you were there and you were healthy you were doing what you knew was right for you and for your child and all of the things so there's never going to be any regrets that is a place of complete empowerment right no matter what you have done everything and it really it doesn't ever really made a disagree with me but I

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think it matters much less what the results are if you know that you on the inside and you know that you have shown up in the way that is admirable is the way that it was truly you right because then you've given it your all you've done everything you could and a lot of us why we don't like some of the results we've gotten is because we feel like we could have done more okay okay again I got off topic but so I think that this is another reason why I think that this argument or this idea in our brain is is not helpful okay and then lastly we think that if we let go of the trauma then we don't know who we are we don't know what to do without some sort of Chaos in our lives and I know this one

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really well because like for me for instance I grew up in a sorry Mom or Dad if you ever happen to listen to this episode but it was a unstable environment and we were always moving my dad was in the state department but also our family life was very unstable okay there was a lot of chaos happening cops at the house parents splitting up my half brother in and out of the house and so it was always chaotic and so when I left the home then I got into dysfunctional relationship I would be like oh this guy is nice and then he wasn't nice and then I was like oh and so I was out of that one and then I would sort of flutter around and then I would attract another dysfunctional

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relationship and then on it went so my life has always been filled with chaos I would never have looked at it that way even three or four years ago but it is the case when I look back now I'm like oh my gosh right the I was not I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing I didn't know what I was going to do next I didn't know why I was you know the purpose of life or any of that stuff and it was supposed to be young but I really truly was so accustomed to the chaos and the traumatic events happening that I didn't know what to do without it and so I when things got quiet for a while or when I began to gain some insight on something I would get there was like a a

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good amount of discomfort there in the way of feeling like oh I don't know how to explain it but feeling like like my skin was crawling like I needed to like move I was uh jittery or like uneasy and so that is how it manifested I mean it may be different and you but we think that without the trauma in our lives we don't know who we are we don't know what's going on it's boring you ever been attracted to the same type of guy or girl in your life I would venture to say that most of you have because hello here we are right but so we're attracted to a specific type of person and that person isn't boring let's just say that so we think if we heal we don't know

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what we're gonna do with ourselves but we're gonna lead a boring life that that that things are going to be you know a little uncomfortable and again this is one we don't think about on the Forefront of our mind right this is one of those ones that's like back in the background of your mind working very deep subconscious you ever notice how too like you'll start to create your own chaos when is kind of boring and life healed or on a healing more conscious path is far from boring far from boring like I know this now right I mean I I am constantly entertaining but when you're making the shift from unconscious to conscious and becoming aware of you know why you do things how

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you do things you're thinking all of that stuff at first because it's uncomfortable your brain your lower brain is going to tell you this is boring it's going to fund all of the reasons it can to get you the out of Dodge because it's trying to protect you okay with all of these all of these objections that you have these for it is just trying to protect you it doesn't it's like new territory for you so it's gonna find all the reasons why it's not a good idea to heal so to summarize we have four different main ways that we try to avoid healing one way is that we are in some way minimizing the pain and suffering that the alienating parent caused if we make it look like it's

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something that we could recover from then it must not have been that bad so we remain and perpetuate our suffering which is silliness okay and then by healing that we won't have the drive to fight it which we just went over that you know that that is you have the capacity to fight it when you do the healing work okay which by the way the healing work that I'm talking about is daily thought work it's daily life thought downloads it is retraining your brain to see things in a way that is helpful for you today and when I say that I don't mean that you're going to retrain your brain to look at everything as it if it's like roses and puppy dog tails and you know all of that it's not

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that at all see my throat is still there it's not that at all it's using it seeing things getting some distance from it and trying to find ways to apply it going forward and have it benefit you okay and so that's what we do in my program right and we take we basically dissect thought by thought experience by experience and you look at at those basically take a microscope to each one of those and reframe those things in our brain to use them to help us because what those if you're feeling stuck what those thoughts are doing currently are keeping you stuck so we want to unstick You by unraveling that yarn okay and then three was if we let go of the fighting the pain then we also must let

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go of our child the black and white thinking right we can't let go of all of the the trauma because that means we have risen above it and we're just gonna forget about our child and just go and that's not the case at all you create more room for love including love and receiving love so and then lastly we if we let go of the trauma we don't we'll do it ourselves so that is it I think like I was talking about the beginning I think it's very very important that if and when you do go to reach out for your child this is another one of the reasons I think it's it's beneficial for you to heal is that I believe it's our responsibility as parents no matter whether we're in our child's life or not

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to at least be findable rotatable tired so that even if we don't can you any sort of relationship whatever your child is able to reference and see that you are a good upstanding not always late not a drug you know all the things that the alienating parent is saying about you it would be so good for your child to see a reference showing different that you are out there in the world and doing great things and you are you love yourself and you are uh well adjusted uh brilliant productive member of society okay and so you don't always have to reach out to them if that's not what you want but being out there in some way shape or form a Blog whatever it is that

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you do you can be resourceful there but I think for their frame of reference so that their own self-esteem and their own Persona benefits from it because we all sort of you know as kids we are very impressionable and I think that we whether we know it or not whether we like it or not unconsciously we sort of live up or live down to the expectations put on us if we think that our lives and who we are as predetermined by who our parents are which is what many people grow up thinking right in the back of their minds then and if they're being told by the alienating parent that you are yada yada data then we wanna somehow counter that but in the most grounded

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way possible does that make sense so if you're gonna do it I do have conditions on it I think if you're asking me do it in the the most grounded and loving you know from love Place possible any time that you are thinking about posting or reaching out or doing those things ask yourself am I doing this what place am I in right now how am I feeling am I acting out of anger out of fear out of helplessness if those three things are happening don't do it wait okay that's my those are my thoughts on that and if you are going out there if you are putting reaching out or indirectly or directly and you're putting things out there in a grounded way and not expecting anything in return but you

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because you love you please do it please do it I beg you we need more of that out here here out there you know okay so this is what we do in this next month in March the topic is going to be how to coach yourself through your healing how to coach yourself back to health and so in this month we are going to I'm going to give you the recipe like how you daily start to change every thought that you have that occurs to you the ones that are causing you to stay stuck how you go about wiring your brain I mean this is really honestly this next month is going to be like the recipe to all of your healing if you ask me this is what helped me immensely doing this this over

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the next 30 days for uh that we're going to go through over the next doing this practice that we're going to go through over the next 30 days this is what if you apply this and you continue to apply it for a whole year I mean you'll be a completely different person so try it for a month can't hurt it's 97 still it cannot hurt and that price I've decided is going up after March so it will go up I'm not sure what but it will be over a hundred dollars for sure so if you get in now then and if you do plan on staying then you're still locked in at 97 that's amazing right most of the time people don't offer that you know if they just tell you that this is a Beyond a

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steal I will give you all of the tools that you need in order to heal your life heal your heart heal your mind okay so that is it I am going to go all over now exhausted from that a little bit of energy doing this hopefully this third time we'll get out there today I'm sorry for being late guys all right

 You are listening to The Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 21.

Hey guys. So today we are going to talk about coaching yourself to health and why I think it's so important that you do jump on that train to fully healing yourself. And it is an ongoing process, but fully healing the way that you think, Well, yes, you will hold on to some of the grief because we experience grief. Ongoing, but I wanna teach you how to befriend grief, okay? And so that is what we do in our monthly program, okay? In the healing and reinvention program. But today I wanna talk to you about healing your thinking around. Your situation and why? I think it's imperative and some of the roadblocks that you might come into in your mind a around healing and not even realize cuz they're more like subconscious roadblocks. Okay. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today in the monthly program, which, you know, for March we are gonna be addressing just this.

We're gonna be addressing how to heal your thinking. And this 30 day program you will have, it's a 30 day regimen where you're, you're daily doing thought downloads and you are learning how to reframe, the way that you think now about your past and about your future so that you can use it to your benefit.

So it's learning how to coach yourself to grow through this and heal. So You guys now is such a good time to join because we, February was fantastic. We have a group of women that have been just so amazing and it's such a an uplifting, atmosphere environment to be in and also,

We do, even though we're going through some of some tough shit, we're still having a ball doing it. We're still having some fun moments. So so yeah, so March is just around the corner and starting March 1st, we are gonna be digging into that new program, right? Learning how to coach your own self, how to heal and how to grow through this.

To use your, you know, all of this stuff to your advantage to change your thinking from the inside out. Actually marches 31 days. The 31 days of, a guided, it's a structured framework for you to learn. So in, in this 30 days, you really do learn so much about how to heal your life.

You could just join for the month and be done if you wanted to. I have a feeling you wanna say, but I mean, you will have so much you'll have a great headstart on healing your thinking and how to rewire your brain after this next month. So I think you should join, it's ridiculously priced. This is the last month.

It's gonna be this price, and then it's gonna go up above a hundred. And if you join now at 97, then you stay at 97 for the duration, for as long as you stay in a member. You know? So it is like, I keep saying, it's a no-brainer. It is like me just handing out expensive cars for a couple dollars,

You get a lot of value from it. But anyway, all right, so I'm moving on to the episode. Okay.

 

Hello guys. Let me tell you, I have had a week , to say the least. I've been sick this week. I had a sore throat that started on Tuesday, I guess, and I have, this is try number three, day number three of sitting down to record this episode, . So first off, I just wanna apologize. I never would've seen this coming.

But I am late giving you guys dropping this episode, and I am very, very sorry for those of you that wait on it, you know, on either late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning. Please accept my apology. , it has really been a doozy. So yeah, this is my third attempt to sit down and record.

I've been all kinds of challenged this week, but, so I don't need to get into the huge details about this. But basically I sat down on Tuesday and recorded, and then because I had the sore throat, I was like, I'm just gonna scratch this. I wasn't really, uh, bullying myself and whatever, so I thought, oh, I'll just re start it over on Wednesday and do it again.

And yesterday came and I got the bright idea in my head last week. I tried like a little tidbit, like a small a video clip of the podcast, because , I've been thinking about doing, adding video to it, . And so that you guys have both, whichever one you prefer, right?

Some of you are more visual and whatever. So I tried a little bit last week, it was no big deal, easy as could be, and then thought, okay, well I had the bright idea while I'm sick that I'm going to start the video podcast like for real this week. And so yesterday, started to do everything, but I had to look all this stuff up and figure out which platform I was gonna use for the video and how I could move that over into script, which is my editing.

Anyway, it's been . Oh, so again, here I am on Thursday morning starting this whole process over. Third time's a charm, right? So the good thing is, is now I have all of my thoughts collected where normally I come in and I sit down and I just shoot from the hip. Everything is in the brain and notes outline is on the paper because I've done so many attempts at this week.

So enough about me. I think it's so important that, you learn how to coach your own self to health. Okay? Like, I was gonna word this a little bit differently even the last couple days, but the more I think about it, you're gonna do your healing work, your you know, healing on your past in therapy, right?

And in your own ways. What I wanna help you to do is to correct the thought errors and the way that you think about your past, present, and future. The thoughts around what has happened, those are the ones I think that are the most challenging for us. This is where we get stuck most, most of you'll say, no, I get stuck because the alienating parent is being a dickhead, right?

Or something , which I'm not gonna argue with. But when we learn how to interpret and perceive what is happening, we win always, right? When you can find your power, and that is always, as you guys know I've said, is always within you. When you, when you're able to access and harness that by the thoughts that you think, then you are in a, an amazing spot, right?

You're golden. So that's what I wanna talk with you guys about is the importance of like taking ownership and, , Having authority and agency over your own mind, over your own thoughts and also we'll go into like the objections we have to fully healing, cuz there's four major areas, four ways that we do that, that I can think of. So I'm gonna start with, first I'm thinking right now, I still have my sore throat, so and I'm still, I'm exhausted, but

you know, each day that I've sat down to do this, I haven't been mad about it. You know, I actually love being able to connect with you guys, even if it's this way. I do feel connected and, I don't know how to explain that. Cause I've heard other people say that when they were doing their podcast before I started and I didn't really get that.

But now I get it. Like I, it's, I love being able to connect with you guys. Having said that, I'm exhausted. Okay, so here's the, I like to tell you the reason why these things. My topics come up for me because I think it gives you a little bit of insight into where, where my head is at. And so here's how this came up.

I have in the last, mm, I don't know, couple months or so, I've been seeing posts either from other parents who are alienated and who are venting online about their situation. Okay. And then I also see there have been a few posts on different platforms where people are encouraging the alienated parents to speak out. And I'm gonna give you my thoughts on that now.

But this is why this whole topic came up. Where I,, wanna help you guys, as you know, is with your own healing and with your own thoughts around what has happened, right? Your own reinvention of yourself and recreating a new life for yourself while keeping room for your child or children, right?

We know this, so I normally do not address what I think you should do with regard to connecting with your child or children or going back to court or what you should say to the, to your ex. There's people out there that can help you with that. And so I really truly try to stay focused on you, the alienated parent alone, because I also am that and I know I've experienced what you're feeling, having said that, I think that healing yourself fully and learning how to thrive in today and for your future is so very important for many reasons. But one of them is so that if and when you do want to reconnect with your child or children, that you do it and you're able to model for them in, you know, the best way you possibly can.

Right? And I think that is important for, you know, some pretty obvious reasons . First off, children in general need to see a healthy adult in their life. Or somebody that they can model themself after. And even if it's not now, and even if it's not in the way that you would choose to model to your child, like obviously we would want the alienation to not be happening and you would want your child home with you so that you could teach them the way that you wanna teach them, right?

But because that's not the case, you have to get resourceful if this is what you wanna do, and so what I think is so important is that in between now and then, whenever that is, that you heal yourself fully to the best of your abilities. So you can model what a healthy, thriving, resilient, Adult is who is acting out of from love and not from regret or hatred or revenge or fear or helplessness.

Okay? So for your child's own like persona, for their own, self-worth going forward, so this is one reason why I think it's so important to heal. It's for their own. Good later on. And I don't mean to put that on you as if like, you must do this because if not, you're gonna screw up your child.

That's not what I mean. I just mean if you plan on reconnecting with them or you think it might be a possibility one day, this is something that's so important. I also truly believe for me that when I became a parent, no matter what happens, you know, through thick and thin, that it is my job to model.

So I will figure out ways to do it, right. That is my, take you where your walk is and what your decision to do with, with that, that is, that is yours, you know, so the, for their self-worth, it's just about looking at the big picture and being a, you know, a grown healthy adult for so that they see that because they don't see that right now.

They see somebody that is acting in hatred and out of fear and out of insecurity. And out of revenge. Right. And this is, no, I'm not, this is no judgment passed on the alienating parent. This is not a stab, this is not me looking down. I don't mean it in that way. Truly. I mean, it, they children need models, right?

And, and the more people that they see acting out of love and purity and, not feeling victimized and all that stuff, they're better off that they are. Okay. All right. Also, as you know, when you are in a good spot, a healed spot, then you're not leaning on them. When they do come back to you, they don't, you're not needing them. Right. And then so you're not in turn sort of adulting them or parenting them by needing their specific reaction or responses to you, , to your, attempts to show love.

I completely. Disagree with those people out there that say, that you should always be quiet about alienation and you should never, ever, ever speak your thoughts about it and that you should keep quiet. Don't ever put anything online, don't ever do any, you know, all the things. I completely disagree with it. And here's why. I was one of those people that believed those people and I was like, oh my gosh, I can't say anything to anybody. If not, I'm gonna screw my child up. And I was like, literally feel, felt like I was walking on eggshells, you know, anywhere with anything I did. I didn't wanna say anything to anybody in the community to, you know, to my next door neighbor.

God forbid I put anything online. I was like, hushed. Right? And that is exactly what I think keeps us alienated because we don't speak up. Okay, so I have both. There's a little of both here, but I think that there's a fine line. So when we don't speak up and when we stay quiet, because we're of in fear of screwing our kid up, we also are sort of acquiescing into this role of being like the beaten and battered, uh, you know, X right?

Figuratively speaking, you know what I'm saying? We are, sort of helping that along, alienation along for them. We stay quiet and , they win and we're just acting a victim, and so for that reason, I do not agree with it. But what I think is very, very important here is that if you are ever going to be present online, you're gonna be visible.

I think you need to be completely healed. In the healing process not processing your feelings out there so that the world can see because it doesn't come off right. And I hate to be about saying, you know, it's optics or everything, but really if you want to make a dent in this alienation, you know, as a whole and with your child, all of it, then you must be levelheaded.

And that is something that I am, I feel very strongly about. You don't have to share the opinion, but I think it's so important that you don't, you're not out there acting a little crazy because you still have all the feels. Okay? Like process behind the scenes, speak out, you know, when. You're thinking completely, clearly, and you have some distance from it.

Does that make sense? So there are avenues these days that you can reach out to your children whenever it is that you feel comfortable doing that. And it really depends on your situation too. Some people can email their kids and some people can even call or text their kids. And then others can't, like, they may have supervised visitation and the alienator does what they do and usually it's their own interpretation of the, port order.

But electronic communication has been cut off because everything needs to be supervised. Right? So if that is your case, that is okay. because this day and age is so different than 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago, because there's so many different social media platforms that are out there once you have done the work, done, daily thought work, right, and you're not feeling victim or feeling helpless or acting out of fear or anger or any of those things, when you're, you know, going to post, then you can demonstrate who you are, what you are about, and basically reach out to your child indirectly, and not doing it in a way that's leaning on them.

Does that make sense? You can, you can be transparent out there without , um, , you know, without being transparent out there, . You know what I'm saying? I just think that there's ways to connect with your children without having to, you know, reach out and need something in return. That's basically what I'm saying.

Okay. Like, we can do it for work reasons, we can do it for, you know, social reasons. You can do it for whatever, activist reasons, right? , but , if you can reach out to your children if that's in the realm of possibility. There's, Marco Polo video app.

There's, , you know, FaceTime, all the things, right? There's so many ways that you can, you can connect with your children, But if you are in the place where that is not possible, once they get to the age where they are to be on the internet and doing the things, I promise you there will be a day where they find you, right.

So because they miss their parents. Of course they do. They may not say that always, or they may not be able to access that part of them, but there will come a day, okay? So make sure you're healed before you do it. . That is my point. Don't go out there before you are. Okay? ,

so next I wanna go into some of the reasons why we think we shouldn't heal, we have like these, Hangups , you ask yourself sometimes, why am I not doing anything about this?

But you never really get to a full answer. I wanna help these come to surface with you, okay? So that you can identify them when they do happen, and then be able to mitigate and move your thoughts so that you can heal. Okay? Cause there's, there's never a downside to healing yourself and letting go of the the trauma. Okay? There's not, I, I don't see a downside to it.

Okay. So, if you are holding on one of the reasons why we do this, and we don't even fully think about it, is that we think that if we process all of it and become completely healed, whatever that is, then

by letting go of the trauma, then we're also having to let go of our child or children, like black or white thinking, right? Like I, if I'm fully healed, then that means I've completely let go of my child. So we hold on to the anger because you think that without it you won't have your child. And I just wanna let you know that this is something that's very common. . Okay. And especially for people that have gone through trauma especially, and it's not true. Like it's not a thing.

In fact, when you are able to process through and let go of and think about the trauma in a helpful,, grounded way, then you have created so much more space inside of you, in your head and in your heart for love to give, love, to receive love to all of it. Okay? So it's, it's not a thing. You can embrace your child even more by letting go of the baggage around the situation. Then you're able to see, find opportunities to love, find opportunities, to feel love. Okay, .

Another way we fight healing is that we think that we are minimizing the pain and the suffering that the alienating parent and or your child has caused. Right. If it looks like you are healed, , then they're gonna think that it's not a big deal what you went through, and you need them to know that it was a big deal, right? What you went through. Does that sound familiar to any of you guys? I have a feeling it does. I think we've all done this to some extent.

You know, think about like when you were in grade school and on the playground and a kid pushed you over and even though it didn't hurt when you fell, you still kind of hung out on the ground a little bit longer so that they knew. That they hurt you and you like, made it known so that they really, truly like you understand what you did.

Right. or like soccer players,. They do it all the time. They like overly act out their injuries. And I know they do it for strategic reasons, but Yeah, exactly. All the more reason. That's exactly what what I'm talking about here. We want to optically make sure that they know what they've done and if we heal all the way, then we're not gonna appear that way.

And then we're not like punishing them in a weird way. Like, but if you stay in your misery then they'll know what they've created in your life. And it's so backwards thinking. We all do it right in one way or another, but it's so backwards cuz you're actually creating, perpetuating so much more suffering.

And for some of you that might be actually like, really like life altering it not in a good way. You could be staying in this and creating, the stagnancy and, maybe lack of income. Maybe your relationships haven't gone well because you're perpetuating this because you want them to know what they've done, right?

So this is something that is so beneficial for you to look at if you think that this could be possibly you. Yeah. Take a look at this and look at then start to think, oh my gosh, like I'm actually adding suffering on top of suffering, that's completely optional. Okay. So that's the second way. The third way that we do it,

Is that sometimes you think that by healing that you will not have the drive then to fight it, to fight the alienation, to fight your, your case. Some of you are you know, listening to this podcast and it is a new situation for you, and so you are kind of trying to maybe gather yourself, save up money for an attorney, or get some certain areas of your life situated before you do go back to court, and so in that case, I think, well in all cases, but I think healing is especially essential for you. And here's why I did, I mentioned this in like episode five or six, I think it was. Shifting your perspective, the jaded one. I could be wrong about that, but I think it's there where I talk about how healing is especially important for you.

Because if you are going back to court or you have any litigation in the future going on, there's plans for that. Or even if you're gonna, you plan on fighting this privately, like not, in the family courts,

this is so important because you need to be able to recall events with clarity, with poise, with accuracy, and in the correct order. . And when you are up on the stand and you are going through stress response after stress response because you haven't processed through this stuff or haven't learned too, Think about and get step into the mindset where you are in your full power now today, and looking back on it, getting, gaining some perspective from it.

When you all of a sudden enter right back into those scenarios when you're up on the stand, that is an awful place to be. And in that place you will not be living in your full power. Right.

So if you think that by holding onto some of this anger that it's going to like propel you forward, and give you the stamina, the push, like the, the motivation to power through this custody battle with your ex, let me tell you, it's the opposite because you'll wear yourself down.

You will be exhausted because you haven't yet stepped into the place where you have the perspective to be able to see it from above, right? instead, you will step into each one of those scenarios, or even in a stressful situation, opening up an email from your ex, if you are one of the ones that that dreads, having an email or my family was, or whatever sent to you because you're scared of the, you know, the written beratement that you might receive.

Right? And every time you open those emails, you enter right back into a place of feeling victimized and feeling helpless and feeling lower than, okay. So it's very important for that, for like depositions. This brings up a memory for me actually, now that I'm thinking about it. There was a time.

I was in, it was years ago, I was in a really poor spot with my self-worth. And I had an attorney who was I believe passing along privileged information to the other attorney, at the time, I suspected something was going on. . But I wasn't sure.

Anyway, I sat down in the deposition and it was my ex and his wife and me and the attorneys, and they were asking me his attorney was asking me a line of questioning that was just, oh, I felt like it was super demeaning. You know how ugly, you know how ugly things get in court. This actually happened not just in this deposition, but it actually happened the last time we went to court too.

But this line of questioning that his attorney was asking was just super ugly. Right. You know what it's like if you're dealing with a, a high conflict custody battle. Right. And so the thing is, today, if I was being asked those questions, I would be, the answers would be entirely different for sure.

But not only that, I would be in such a different place, I would've been able to rise above it right in that moment. And I know that while I was sitting there in that moment, that I sunk and sunk and sunk into my seat and I sort of acquiesced into this beaten and battered unworthy role. Right. What they were trying to paint me out to be.

I became in my seat sitting there, right. Because I hadn't healed and I was still going through, I was in another very, very abusive relationship at that time, and that one had really taken a toll on me, on top of the alienation. , and I feel so sad. I feel so much compassion for that version of me, but I also know how much I would've benefited sitting in that seat and not being in that place where I literally just wanted to like crawl into a crack in the earth and disappear.

It was.

but it just came up to me while I was talking about the importance of healing and what the difference could be. Right.

All right. So what was I talking about? Oh, right. So I was talking about healing and thinking that we're not gonna have the drive to fight it. Right. That if we accept it for what it is, then we'll be weak. Right. And if you like, come to terms with everything and, and are in acceptance that all of a sudden that means that you'll be rolling over and just being like, okay, whatever. And it's not the case at all. When you are able to process through and let go, a lot of a lot of this anger, not only will you be less negatively charged when you're going to fight it, but you're gonna be able to think clearly and that is something that your ex is likely not gonna be.

They're gonna be acting and thinking and out of anger and revenge and all of those things. And when you are not, and when you have, uh, your head on your shoulders and you're able to assess the situation for what it is, I promise you that does not go unnoticed. And also you will feel like you are in control of you in a situation.

And then, you know, no matter what the result is of that you know, of the quote unquote fight, you know, no matter what the result is that you were present and you were there and you were healthy. You were doing what you knew was right for you and for your child in all of the things. So there's never gonna be any regrets.

That is a place of complete empowerment, right? No matter what you have done everything. And it really, it doesn't ever really. , you may disagree with me, but I think it matters much less what the results are. If you know that you on the inside and you know that you have shown up in the way that is admirable as the way that was truly you, right?

Because then you've given it your all, you've done everything you could. And a lot of us, why we don't like some of the results we've gotten is because we feel like we could have done more. Okay? Okay. Again, I got off topic, but . So I think that this is another reason why I think that this argument or this idea in our brain is, is not helpful.

Okay? And then lastly, we think that if we let go of the trauma, then we don't know who we are, we don't know what to do without some sort of chaos in our lives. And I know this one really well because like for me, for instance, I grew up, in a, sorry, mom or dad if you ever happen to listen to this episode, but it was a unstable environ.

We were always moving. My dad was in the State Department, so but also our family life was very unstable. Okay. There was a lot of chaos happening. Cops at the house, parents splitting up my half-brother in and out of the house, and so it was always chaotic. And so when I left the home, then I got into dysfunctional relationship I would be like, oh, this guy is nice.

And then he wasn't nice, and then I was like, Ooh. And so I was out of that one, and then I would sort of flutter around and then I would attract another dysfunctional relationship, and then on it went, So my life has always been filled with chaos. I would never have looked at it that way even three or four years ago.

But it is the case when I look back now, I'm like, oh my gosh. Right. The I was not, I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing. I didn't know what I was gonna do next. I didn't know why I was, you know, the purpose of life or any of that stuff. And I was also young, but, I really, truly was so accustomed to the chaos and the traumatic events happening that I didn't know what to do without it.

And so I, when things got quiet for a while, or when I began to gain some insight on something I would get, there was like a, a, a good amount of discomfort there in the way of feeling like, ooh, , I dunno how to explain it, but feeling like, like my skin was crawling. Like I needed to like move. I was, uh, jittery or like just uneasy,

and so that is how it manifested in me. It may be different in you, but uh, we think that without the trauma in our lives, we don't know who we are. We don't know what's going on. It's boring. You ever been attracted to the same type of guy or girl in your life? I would venture to say that most of you have because, hello.

Here we are, right? But, so we're attracted to a specific type of person and that person isn't boring. Let's just say that . So we think if we heal we don't know what we're gonna do with ourselves. That we're gonna lead a boring life. That, that, that things are gonna be, you know, a little uncomfortable.

And again, this is one we don't think about on the forefront of our mind, right? This is one of those ones that's like back in the background of your mind, working very deep sub subconscious. You ever notice how to, like, you'll start to create your own chaos when shit is kind of boring and life healed, or on a healing more conscious path is far from boring.

Far from boring. Like, I know this now, right? I, I mean, I, I am constantly entertained, but. When you're making the shift from, unconscious to conscious and becoming aware of, you know, the why you do things, how you do things, you're thinking all of that stuff at first because it's uncomfortable. Your brain, your lower brain is gonna tell you, this is boring.

It's gonna find all of the reasons it can to get you the fuck outta Dodge because it's trying to protect you. Okay? With all of these all of these objections that you have, these four, it is just trying to protect you. It doesn't, it is like new territory for you. So it's, gonna find all the reasons why it's not a good idea, to heal.

So to summarize, we have four different main ways that we, try to avoid healing, one way is that we are in some way minimizing the pain and suffering that the alienating parent caused, if we make it look like it's something that we could recover from, then it must not have been that bad,

so we remain in perpetuate our suffering, which is silliness, okay? And then by healing that we won't have the drive to fight. Which we just went over that, you know, that that is not, you have the capacity to fight it when you do the healing work. Okay? Which by the way, the healing work that I'm talking about is daily thought work.

It's daily life thought downloads. It is retraining your brain to see things in a way that is helpful for you today. And when I say that, I don't mean that you're gonna retrain your brain to look at everything as a, if it's like roses and puppy dog tails and you know, the, all of that, it's not that at all.

See, my throat is still there. It's not that at all. It's using it, seeing things, getting some distance from it and trying to find ways to apply it going forward and have it benefit you. Okay. . And so that's what we do in my program, right? And we take, we basically dissect thought by thoughts experience by experience.

And look at those, basically take a microscope to each one of those and reframe those things in our brain to use them to help us. Because what those, if you're feeling stuck, what those thoughts are doing currently are keeping you stuck. So we wanna unstick you by unraveling that yarn. Okay? And then, three was, if we let go of the fighting and the pain, then we also must let go of our child, the black and white thinking, right?

We can't let go of all of the, the, the trauma, because that means we have risen above it and we're just gonna forget about our child and just go. And that's not the case at all. , you create more room for love and creating love and receiving love. So, and then lastly, we, if we let go of the trauma, we don't know what we'll do with ourselves.

So that is it. I think, like I was talking about in the beginning, I think it's very, very important that if and when you do go to reach out for your child, this is another one of the reasons I think it's, uh, it's, uh, beneficial for you to heal, is that I believe it's our responsibility as parents, no matter whether we're in our child's life or not, to at least be findable, capable, tired, so that even if we don't continue any sort of relationship, whatever your child is able to reference and see that you are.

Uh, good upstanding, not always late, not a drug. You know, all the things that the alienating parent is saying about you. It would be so good for your child to see a reference showing different that you are out there in the world and doing great things, and you are, you love yourself and you are, uh, well-adjusted, uh, resilient, productive member of society.

Okay? And so you don't always have to reach out directly to them if that's not what you want. But being out there in some way, shape, or form a blog, whatever it is that you do, you can be resourceful there, but I think for their frame of reference, so that their own self-esteem and their own persona, benefits from it because we all sort of.

You know, as kids we are very impressionable. And I think that

we, whether we know it or not, whether we like it or not, unconsciously, we sort of live up or live down to the expectations put on us. If we think that our lives and who we are is predetermined by who our parents are, which is what many people grow up thinking right in the back of their minds then, and if they're being told by the alienating parent that you are, yada, yada, yada, yada.

Then we wanna somehow counter that, but in the most grounded way possible. Does that make sense? So if you're gonna do it, I do have conditions on it. I think if you're asking me, do it in the, the most grounded and loving, you know, from Love Place possible, anytime that you are thinking about posting or reaching out or doing those things, ask yourself, am I doing this?

What place am I in right now? How am I feeling? Am I acting out of anger, out of fear, out of helplessness? If those three things are happening, don't do it. Wait, okay. That's my, Those were my thoughts on that. And if you are. Going out there. If you are putting, reaching out or indirectly or directly and you're putting things out there in a grounded way and not expecting anything in return, but you, because you love you, please do it.

Please do it. Be you . We need more of that out here, out there, you know? Okay. So this is what we do in this next month, in March, the topic is going to be how to coach yourself through your healing, how to coach yourself back to health. And so in this month, we are going to, I'm gonna give you the recipe, like how you daily start to change every thought that you have that occurs to you, the ones that are, causing you to stay stuck.

How you go about rewiring your brain. I mean, this is really, honestly, this next month is going to be like the recipe to all of your healing. If you ask me, this is what helped me immensely doing this practice over the next 30 days for, uh, that we're gonna go through over the next 30, doing this practice that we're gonna go through over the next 30 days.

This is what if you apply this and you continue to apply it for a whole year. I mean, you'll be a completely different. So try it for a month. Can't hurt. It's $97. Still. It cannot hurt. And that price I've decided is going up after March. So it will go up. I'm not sure what, but it will be over a hundred dollars for sure.

So if you get in now then, and if you do plan on staying then you're still locked in at $97. That's amazing, right? Most of the time people don't offer that, you know, we just tell you that this is a beyond a steal.

I will give you all of the tools that you need in order to heal your life, heal your heart, heal your mind. Okay? So that is it. I am going to go. Fall over. Now. I'm exhausted from that , that little bit of energy from doing this. Hopefully this third time we'll get out there today. . I'm sorry for being late guys.

All right, see you.

 

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