Holiday Grief Survival Guide: 6 Strategies for Alienated Parents

The holidays can be a particularly tough time for parents who are dealing with the pain of alienation from their children. Celebrations that once brought joy and connection often turn into reminders of loss and longing. If you're navigating this journey and feeling the weight of holiday grief, you're not alone. In this blog post, I share six strategies aimed at helping you care for yourself and make it through the season with grace and resilience. 

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions

The first key to coping with holiday grief is to be honest with yourself about your emotions. Recognize the negative feelings and thoughts without making excuses. It's okay to admit that things aren't the same, and it’s essential to stop pretending everything is fine. Allow yourself to feel the discomfort and grief. Realizing the holidays are different and acknowledging that pain can be a crucial step in your healing process. It's important to differentiate emotions that you want to hold onto from those that aren't serving you. 

2. Set Realistic Expectations

Establishing realistic expectations for yourself can help mitigate holiday stress. Don't feel obligated to participate in every party or buy gifts for everyone. Focus on what feels right for you and your household first. Setting boundaries is essential for self-preservation. Remember, it's okay to change your mind about plans if needed. Be upfront with yourself about your boundaries and communicate with others when necessary. 

3. Create a Plan

Being prepared is half the battle. Make a plan for how you want to spend your holiday time, particularly on the days you anticipate will be challenging. Decide in advance what you will do, and what you won’t, under different scenarios. This might include selecting the events you will attend, how long you'll stay, or deciding to avoid certain gatherings altogether. Writing these plans down increases the likelihood that you'll stick to them. 

4. Establish Support Networks

During the holidays, it's important to have a list of people you can reach out to for support. These are individuals who love you and understand your situation. Whether it’s a friend who checks in on you, a Zoom call you set up, or someone you enjoy speaking with, knowing you’re not alone can make all the difference. Building these support networks ahead of time provides a safety net of emotional refuge during particularly tough moments. 

5. Try Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques are invaluable when you're feeling overwhelmed and can bring you back to the present moment and refocus your mind.

Physical exercises:

• relaxing your tongue resting tip softly on roof of mouth
• scanning your body for tension,
• engaging in bilateral stimulation
• jumping jacks (a personal fav, and also bilateral stim)
• Breathing exercises (square breathing, 2 counts in 4 out)  
• hold a piece of ice.  Notice how it feels in your palm

Mental Exercises

• anchoring statements
• memory game 
• category game

Distraction Techniques

• go for a swim (my favorite, bc of the sensory aspect)
• watch a movie
• go for a walk 

 Developing a list of grounding techniques to practice regularly, even before stress arises, helps condition your mind to access these tools efficiently. 

6. Engage in Service Work

Volunteering and giving back to the community is a powerful way to step outside of your own situation and connect with others. Serving meals at a soup kitchen or participating in local charity events can shift your focus and reinstate purpose beyond your personal grief. This act of giving not only helps those in need but provides you with a profound sense of belonging and contribution. ###

Moving Forward with Compassion

Remember, grief is not a linear process. It fluctuates, especially during the holidays. Some years might feel okay, while others are tough, presenting emotions and stories that complicate your grief. Be compassionate with yourself, acknowledging where you are in your healing journey. Adopting these strategies will not eliminate your grief but can offer tools for managing it. Service work, acknowledging your emotions, setting realistic expectations, creating plans, establishing support networks, and using grounding techniques can help you navigate the holiday season with more peace and confidence. You are not alone in this journey, and taking these steps can assist in reclaiming your power and starting to heal your heart. Wishing you strength and serenity in the upcoming weeks. You deserve care, love, and patience—especially from yourself.

Episode Transcript 

You are listening to The Beyond the High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 114. Stay tuned. Hey, you guys with's the house. So first, before I even go any further, I want to say thank you to Benjamin who has written the show, a review.

Benjamin Langbauer wrote, My parents sent me this podcast maybe a year ago. I've been listening weekly ever since. This is a wonderful series. It's less clinical than others on the subject and much more real world. What Shelby has given me over the past year is strength. Strength to be okay. Strength to understand more about the situation I'm in.

And the strength to let go. Thank you, Shelby. You are so welcome and thank you so much, Benjamin, for that very thoughtful review. I really appreciate it. We've exchanged messages, um, over the last few months or so, since maybe the summer, um, and I just want to thank you, too, For your continued support and for all of your encouragement as well.

messages in reviews like yours that keep me going sometimes, you know, it's so nice to know and hear from you guys that's that what I'm sharing is working or that it's. I'm really glad that you guys helping or you're sense of peace, um, throughout the episodes.

So I really, really, really appreciate it. Um, also I got another amazingly thoughtful review via email. I've gotten lots of those. But this one, I don't know if I'm going to read it yet because he may or may not be I'm not sure. I just want to acknowledge that those of you who do not have an Apple ID and therefore don't have a way to. put in the review. It's okay. Like, thank you. If you've tried and you can't figure it out. Of course, I'm going to continue to encourage all of you if you can to put the reviews out, but just know to I don't want you to bend it over backwards and, you know, create a big deal about it. but apple makes. It's doing a review like an escape room, you know, like a virtual escape room, . It's ridiculous that it's the size of the writer review and that purple, you can barely see it, which all podcasts.

the main color is purple, so it blends into all, to everything else. It's like almost, it's near impossible to see. So I get it. It's like cracking a code . So if you tried and you haven't had any luck, if you are. Still inclined to write, which I would love it if you did, but again, please just know, that I'm grateful that you're here and that you're listening, but if you do, you can Google how to, , write a review without an Apple device.

And it will give you the instructions to do it if you want it, I'm just putting that out to all of you. So, but I I'm tempted to read his email, the review, because it is. also just such a thoughtful, really kind message. but I'm going to wait, I'm going to wait.

And until next week or maybe the week after that to, to put that out there. Anyway, thank you to you guys. And all the other emails and kind words and just the continued support from you guys that I get you guys tuning in each week and staying dedicated to your own healing and dedicated to listening to the show.

I really appreciate it. You know that. So there's that. Or maybe you don't know that, but there you have it. Know that now. Um, okay.

 Also, just remember too that the holiday specials are still out there and they will be through, um, January 1st, okay, or until January 1st, actually, and so take advantage of those. There's two different holiday specials and there are payment plans. You can go to beyondthehighroad. com. Backslash holiday deals.

The H and the D are capitalized. Okay. One of them is a three pack where you also get a mini custom course. Like I, uh, you and I go over your pain points. I help you to determine where you could find your power. And then I create daily worksheets for you to get out of that.

Right. And then the other one it's a hybrid Between the three month and the six month course. Month coaching program, and I have it priced lower than the three month coaching program.

So take advantage of that while you can. Again, that one will be

offered available through January 1st. Okay? Facebook Fridays 12 15 p. m. and that's all.

 

 So today's episode, we are dedicating. Two holiday situations, and you caring for yourself during, it's basically like a holiday survival kit, and this doesn't need to just go for Christmas and, Hanukkah, like this time of year.

This can go for birthdays, Or any time of the year that you're really going through it, i've been terrible about updating my the website with All of the podcast episodes like i'm behind a couple months right now.

But come the end of this week it will all be updated and if you whatever Subject that you need help on since now we've got so many episodes out there. It's hard to just go through them all. So for quick access, you can just go to beyond the high road. com, go to the menu and slide over to podcasts and then type in your keyword on the right hand side. Once you get to the podcast page. Okay. And all of the episodes are there at your disposal for whichever topic that you are wanting to hear about or, find some relief in.

Okay. All right. Now, today's episode, like I was just started to say. It's all about holiday time and surviving it, basically, and maybe even more than surviving, if you so please. It really just depends on where you are in your recovery, I guess, in the grief process. Not that grief, as you guys, if you've been listening for a while, not that grief is linear at all, but, um, I'm going to give you tips for, First year going through this all the way, like, or smack in the middle of it.

Maybe you're not even, you just found out alienation strategies are being employed by your now X, or maybe even your current. Um, this'll go, everything that I talk about today will apply to all the different scenarios. Just take what you like and leave the rest, just like all of the episodes, right?

Like something that you. Would consider doing on year five. Maybe you wouldn't even even come close to it in year one. So just know that like if this is new for you and it doesn't sound like you're up for it yet, just maybe move on to the next suggestion that I'm offering you today.

 , all right, so I've got this in five or six categories. How you can approach the holidays or your holiday so that you are prepared mitigating as much disaster, I guess, as possible trying to, make holiday, more manageable for you.

Also, I want to say right now that I've got some grounding techniques that I list off at the end. And I kind of explained to you, just look in the show notes. If you want to get to a certain section, I always have. The topics timestamped. So if you need to skip you can just do that, especially for an episode like this, where like, maybe you're wanting relief right away.

Um, I just wanted you to know that there's an easy way to get to certain sections of the episode that might be more helpful to you than others. You know, this is an episode that I want you to be able to come back to whenever you need. Okay. All right

I know too that a lot of this stuff I will be sharing today is kind of common sense and I've actually shared it at some point in the episodes, but when we're in that emergency state your brain will shut down your critical thinking, your executive functions. So, you're not as easy to access the information that you otherwise know, it's good to prepare yourself before any occasion, ahead of time so that you have a protocol that you can execute when needed. It's not like you need to follow this, a hundred percent of the time, but just knowing what your protocol is.

It's a great resource for you and can cause you to feel experience less stress in the moment of said event or occasion, whatever. Okay. All right. So the first thing I have is to be honest with yourself about what you're experiencing, , without making excuses for yourself. And what I mean by that is .

 

There's a lot of strength in acknowledging what you're going through negative emotions, negative thoughts or not. acknowledging that they're there and also acknowledging that Things aren't the same, That if your child is not in your home and is not going to be in your home on Christmas and like, let's say this is the first or even the 10th year, um, but it still doesn't feel quote unquote right to you that they're not there, then just acknowledging.

That pain, right? Of this, it, holidays haven't been the same, like this is what I do, and it's been, years since I've spent a Christmas with my daughter, a holiday with my daughter, holidays aren't the same. Of course they're not the same. Holidays were magical especially when she was a toddler. They were magical. the house was full of life and giggles and fun.

And that isn't the case today. You know, even if they were somebody else's children, which also is amazing, to just experience children, especially birthdays and Christmas and gift giving times, right? they're still not your kids. I think it's important to give yourself the space to say, no, things aren't the same.

And you may not know, like for me, I don't know if they ever can be the same. Nor do I want them to be the same. Like, without my daughter there, it's appropriate.

It's appropriate discomfort, it's appropriate. Grief that I'm feeling and to pretend like everything's okay, isn't okay for me, you know, so allowing that to be making that my baseline, if you will, like, no, things are not the same. Now, do I focus on that and that alone? No, rarely,

definitely not intentionally, anyway, So feelings are nothing to solve for. Grief is no exception, okay? It's okay that I'm feeling sad. For me, it's okay that I'm sad because it was Thanksgiving or Christmas or her birthday. it's okay that I'm feeling sad and I want to be feeling sad about that because I miss her, but it is important for me to, to identify the story and the statement that's causing sadness for me, because I want to make sure that sad is the appropriate or like, let's say the emotion is.

Overwhelm, you know, around the holidays, this happens a lot too. Identifying what the statement is that's causing overwhelm is going to help you identify whether or not you want to keep that story or not. You know, for me, like if I'm talking about sadness and the holidays, I want to keep that story because I don't know that I want to think or feel anything different about the fact that my daughter's not home.

My daughter's not home is going to make me sad because I want to be spending time with her and I especially want to be making memories around the holidays with her. But when we talk about overwhelm, and let's say the, thought that's causing that is there's just too much on my plate.

too many people. There's too many, obligations that I have. Then there's something to look at there. something in my control that I can actually. Help to lessen the overwhelm, right? The feeling of overwhelm, so set, realistic expectations for yourself. Don't feel obligated to do anything that you don't, that doesn't feel right for you now.

And so around the holiday time, any holiday, but especially this holiday period this is really important because often we will feel obligated. To go to the party, to go to the family get together, whatever that is, to bring presents for other people over at these family get togethers that aren't necessarily your, , like nuclear family, right, aren't your closest close knit family.

Maybe this year you only have money for one or two people, right, and you have that, whatever. Don't go out of your way, if you don't want to. to gift everybody because that's what you think that you're obligated to do or that's what you think is the quote unquote right thing to do. What the right thing to do is what supports you and, um, your household.

first and foremost, and then everybody else is extra.

So set realistic expectations for yourself. With others,

I would say no expectations on others would be the best expectations. Because You guys know expectations are only going to probably end you up disappointed.

Number two is to create a plan. Being prepped is really half the battle. Maybe even more know what you're going to be doing and where for each holiday for each weekend, maybe office parties holiday parties.

Like for me I did none of them for a very long time like none like I didn't do one holiday event for years So if that's what's going on for you, we'll get to that in just a second.

So if you're not doing anything right now, just hold that thought know what you're going to be doing where you're going to be doing it on the days that you think might be the hardest you're anticipating. , this day is going to kind of suck. make a plan for what you're going to do.

From the time that you wake up until evening. Now you don't have to necessarily stick by that plan, but make a plan for What you will do and what you won't do in each possible scenario like let's say you are going to a family get together Write out like all right.

If I do go to that event I don't want to stay until midnight. I really want to be home and in bed by 8 30, , whatever it is for you, right? I don't want to over drink and then be a sloppy mess, or I don't want to drink and drive,

write down everything that you want and what you don't want get it out in front of you. So that you get that organized in your mind and you're setting those expectations for yourself and getting your plan in effect, you're going to be much more likely to abide by the things that you want if you have them written down.

 

 

Create a list of people, those who love you, that you can call at any given time. Have those people.

on your speed dial so that if and when you need somebody you can just go ahead and pick up the phone and call them go into another room if you're at an event if you're not an event if you're at home maybe you tell some people hey listen i am going to spend the day home will you call and check on me at such and such time or you call them you know at a certain time make up zoom date this is what I did those years that I didn't, go anywhere or do anything.

And I was in the house in the hill, isolating. I set appointments to talk to people for like an hour here, an hour there. Um, I didn't always want to make that phone call. In fact, very often I can remember dreading if that person was going to call me.

I really desperately did not want to pick up the phone because I would have much rather isolate and ignore pretty much anything from the outside because to me answering the phone and speaking to somebody outside of my own head in my own world felt like I was then acknowledging the realness of being alone or something.

but it was I always felt much better when I got off the phone, even if The phone call wasn't great. just connecting with somebody always, for sure, always, helped

Setting boundaries, which I think is so very important for self preservation and like I was kind of talking about last week, exercising your own self respect. So don't just do what you think is expected of you, kind of like what I was talking about up there with creating the plan, and knowing what you're going to be doing for each of the holidays.

Don't just do what you think is going to be expected of you. And just because you agree to do it, that doesn't mean that you can't change your mind. Okay. Or limit your exposure to it. So like you, if your parents or your aunt and uncle, whatever, whoever, your partner, they want you to go to their family's house and that's what a good partner does is go and do the things.

Check in with yourself. does it feel right for you right now and then there are times where you say it doesn't feel great for me, but I also know that I love my partner and I want to be there for him. Then so long as you're down with that, then go ahead and make that choice.

But honor. Your feelings in the moment, don't just sweep it under the rug and be like, no, I'm just going to suck it up and do it for my partner because that's what they expect of me, because you're going to find that you will be frustrated and you won't show up as yourself during the whole event. And maybe even afterwards, and you may end up resenting your partner because you felt like you had to do it, you know what I'm saying?

So just even in the, in the cases where you don't want to do something, just. Make that known, at least to yourself. You don't always have to tell your partner. It just depends on the, the, the

circumstance, like, and how, what's going on, like for y'all, maybe that's not the best idea is to, you know, I really don't want to go, but honor that for yourself. No, I don't want to go, but I am going to go and I'm choosing to go find your power because I love my partner. And I know that they would like me there or because whatever your reasoning is.

Okay, but also too, if you really don't want to go and you feel like it's not the most loving thing for everybody involved for you to go, and you really, really need to take care of yourself or really want to take care of yourself by staying home or getting a bubble bath or whatever it is that you wanted to do, then um, Do that around this time of year, especially if this is your first or really early out the gate year without your kiddos around or maybe it's just uh, an altered Scenario, like maybe they're there just not as much if it's raw for you and you're not ready to do the thing then don't do it.

please listen to yourself Don't allow other people to dictate determine what you're going to be doing. Okay. Also on that note, so many family members, and I know that you guys are painfully aware of this at these events, they're going to want to try to say things to make you feel better. And none of those things.

Ever make you feel better to just expect that that's going to happen, right? Okay, people are going to say some things that they have no idea what they're talking about to try to make me feel better. It's really so that they can feel better because they don't know how else to handle it. They're probably all well intended.

You know, when they say things to you like, Oh, they'll come around soon enough. Talking about your kids, they'll realize, We'll tell them. That's what my dad used to say to me. Oh, I'll make sure to tell Scarlett when she turns 18, I will tell her for you.

And I was like No, I don't want you to tell her for me. Like, that's ridiculous, you know? But they're saying those things to you. Like, my dad was saying those things to me. He was well intended. He was trying to reassure me. He was trying to right the wrong, right? He was trying to make things okay. Because nobody wants to see somebody else they love hurting,

but, none of that shit helps. For the person who's grieving, who's going through it, ever. Or when they were like, ? Well, at least you have your health. At least they're alive. you know how it goes. And it's always, you're like, Ooh,

your grief is not being acknowledged and you feel minimized. Right. And like, it's not convenient or right or whatever and their eyes, but just know, hearing it from me right now, whatever you are feeling is absolutely right. Because you're feeling it. It's okay. And they're not doing anything wrong either.

It may feel like they're doing something wrong, or it's really annoying, and you can, acknowledge that, yeah, that's super annoying when they do that. But they don't know. Most of the time, they're not, these people, especially when we're talking about family members, they're not trying to fuck with you.

They just don't know. They don't have the skills. to allow you to feel the negativity that you're feeling at the moment, you know, that's okay. They don't have to change at all. They, they could just be them. But when you're in the moment and they do say the annoying things, you could feel less annoyed.

add less self created suffering on top by just reminding yourself of that. Right? They're saying this because they're uncomfortable and they don't like to see me hurting, so they're telling me this so that I won't hurt and then they won't hurt, you know? So just, this is the part of the movie where people try to tell me not to feel bad, and I still feel bad, so, okay.

You know what I'm saying? Just allow them to be. because chances are they were not themselves alienated, you know, and if they were then they would know not to say those dumb ass things to you, but they don't so you could spend your time trying to educate them on alienation, which sometimes I do I take. Moments to educate my dad or whoever saying those things about cult behavior, you know, I do I make it known and then I say thank you.

and I don't say it like abrasively, , I just say, you know, I really appreciate you saying these things. I know where your heart is. But also, I just have learned not to fib to myself about it. And this is where I come from, and this is, the odds.

However, I don't want to be an odd. So, I'm going to choose to believe that she's going to come back. You know, or whatever. However you want to say that. But you deal with it how you want. Just remember that people are going to say some dumb shit. And they're not, most of the time, ill intended, especially when we're talking about family get togethers.

Okay? Okay. ,

.   If you're spending your holiday alone or without your children,

maybe you you're with a partner you will know when it's time for you. I don't want to ever rush you to do something before you're ready. I think there's nothing wrong with. Coaxing yourself into getting back out there, if you will, and creating new memories at the old places, not to erase or ignore, dishonor the memories that you do have with your those memories will always be there, but so that you can make a new reference point, right?

For your life moving forward so that not everything is reminding you of the things that you don't have, so that you can start living in the present and looking towards the future, , and experiencing joy, even during your grief. For me, it's been a while, right? and it's something that I have to fight still to this day, like, I would rather, , not face you know, the reality of going where the kids are on Christmas but I also know that going and doing that thing is going to be the best thing for me.

, you just decide what's good for you, but you are probably going to the first few times your brain is going to want to hold you back . It'll tell you that, like, no, we don't want to go do that because it's going to bring up all the emotions again and what happens if you're there and you burst out into tears.

It'll come up with all the what if, like, dun dun dun things. But it's okay, just keep reminding your brain, too, that it's okay if everybody cries. Everybody cries and everybody has guaranteed anybody over the age of, I don't know, 30, probably has grieved some loss and, around the holidays,

nobody's gonna, not understand you, is what I'm saying. you're human, And whether or not you disclose what's going on with you, to whoever you might be with, is up to you, but, encouraging yourself to go into those old places, those old scenarios and creating new memories, I think is a really helpful, healthy way to approach your today and your future.

And like I said only you will know when that right time is It wasn't right for me for some time and then I think it was right for me, but I avoided it You know, so it just it really just depends for you the sooner that you do do it the better off you will feel for doing it,

 

another way that you can get through the holidays while acknowledging your grief is to externalize your, your loss. Maybe sharing a favorite story, with someone, someone that loves you, someone that also appreciates and, Would like delight in hearing the story, sharing a favorite story with somebody, or writing a blog or a journal entry, calling somebody who you know will listen and delight with you about your kiddo in the memory. Like, tell the stories. Remember when, The other day I went back to Facebook looking for , all the photos of one year I took Scarlett, my daughter, to New York City to go see the Rockettes,

And we went and saw a show on Broadway, and then we saw the Macy Day Parade, although we missed a lot of the Macy Day Parade, even though we were, planned the whole trip for staying in Midtown so that we could go see it. It was a long story.

But anyway, we have so many pictures. It was the first time she ever saw snow. Snow fell on the night that we got there, maybe the night afterwards.. And I have pictures of her catching and eating snow. And I was looking for those pictures on Facebook.

Facebook telling those stories, retelling those stories and keeping those memories alive. Um, I have another way that I'm going to do this year, and I'm a little, probably a little late to the game, but that's okay, because this will serve me and serve us, for years to come.

And that is, okay, so you remember, like, I don't know. If you've been listening to the episodes, you remember one that I put out maybe a couple months ago about how I have lost the most important things to me. All of the most important things, material things, have somehow floated out of my life. In one way or another, that's me sabotaging or whether that's just like some sort of lesson , I don't know.

It's actually crazy, the significance of the things that I have lost, it's insane. But anyway. I did this twice now. So once when I lost all the dolls back when, um, I had all of these handmade, Christmas ornaments that my mom had made for us overseas when we lived in Burma and, um, Thailand. We had these beautiful Christmas ornaments, these doves and all these with Thai silk that were just so, they were perfect and they were beautiful and we've had them for however long and I lost those back when I lost that doll collection.

And then whenever I left Texas to come down, back down to Florida, there were a few boxes up in the attic that I didn't even see, And they happened to be my Christmas ornaments that I collected from when my daughter was her first Christmas

she was six months old, all the way up until I left there. All of the Christmas ornaments, all of the things that she made around Christmas time , to put on the tree, all gone. to this day, even telling this, my stomach goes a knot. So I was talking with another client earlier this morning about this.

It kills me, that I lost all of those amazing memories. You know? And I say I lost all those memories. I didn't really lose the memories. I still have the memories. But I just, those ornaments those things that went on the tree and around the house, they kept those memories alive, anytime I think about it, it will always be there. I don't beat myself up about it. It is what it is. So anyway, something that she said made me think, Hey, what if, like, I had. A friend of mine gave me one of those ornaments, like the ball ornaments with her picture on that ornament.

Right. And said Scarlet's first Christmas, 2007. I decided, what if I just got the same picture and sent it away and got it remade. Even though I lost it, the original one's not there. Nobody's going to know. I'm really not going to care two years, 10 years, 20 years from now.

Whenever she does come back into my world, she's not going to care when it was from, right? The memory is the memory. I'm just keeping them alive. And I don't know that prior years, I would have been ready to do this, but I am this year. I thought from there, I was like, I could recreate that one, like make, an ornament just like that for every year and put pictures of her from her second Christmas or third Christmas or fourth and what have you, at least for the times that I had her, I've got Christmases for nine, nine of those ornaments.

And then I can recreate some of the other ones too. So I thought, well, what a better way to sort of commemorate and. honor her, honor us, than to just recreate , those memories

So, maybe, whenever you split up from your ex, maybe there are items that you did. lose in the divorce or in the split Some of those items maybe you really at one time really treasured and you've been missing them Maybe just recreating those items for yourself to honor your child honor y'all's relationship and honor your future You know

nobody's gonna care in the end Whether they were from the original that were or whether actually to me I almost feel like the recreation is even more special because it's so intentional, And the reason I'm doing it is fully to honor her and to honor us. anyway, it's an idea for you guys if you feel like you're missing out on some of Memorabilia, if you will, of y'all's history together.

So in that, basically in the externalizing your loss, maybe not making a shrine of them, but I mean, if you want, you could, but creating a tribute of some sort for them, for y'all, new, decorations. So many parents that I talk with don't, and I didn't, I, in fact, I still don't have a tree yet since leaving those ornaments there.

I've not brought myself to getting a tree. And this is the fourth year. Um, even back then, um, I did get a tree. It just, it was difficult, but now I think I'm ready to, to make new memories. About the old memories and making those feel good as opposed to looking at the old items.

Like my client today was like, I'm just not ready to go. Uh, one of my clients was like, I'm not ready to go up and get the old baby shoes that she had. I don't know if she had them brassed or whatever, but she hung things on the tree. She wasn't ready to go up and get those and bring them down because she felt like that was just bringing the old memories back into her living space again.

And I get that a hundred percent. Sometimes it's so painful to open those, the old decorations and stuff. And that's why I think, well, why not dress it up, like make it the new versions of it so that the energy feels right for you in today's world. you know, and there's no like bad juju or bad whatever energy on the old items, because a lot of times we'll associate a good memory with the bad memory too, like, oh, wasn't that so sweet?

Oh, yeah. And then my ex, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, there's that other story that comes in with it. , you can manage your mind around that, but another option is just to create a whole new memory about the old memory where it's, you have control of that, story, You've got authority over that. Okay. So, creating a tribute. Lighting a candle. I know people usually think of that for, like, death. other people, relate that to being religious, I don't necessarily think that's so. You can make it what you want.

I have a client that goes every year on each one of her daughter's birthdays, she goes to the beach just spends time just herself, She honors them on that day.

And our moms say she does the same thing. She just takes time for herself to go appreciate each one of her kiddos. You can do something like lighting a candle, you could go out to lunch, you could just go have a day or some moments, saying a prayer, even prayer doesn't always have to be a religious thing.

you've heard me talk about in the, the waves of grief episode. That I have conversations full on conversations with my daughter because I believe that we're not as far apart as like our energies can still connect. that's what makes me happy to believe. And, , there's evidence to back that.

I truly believe that I can have a conversation with her, maybe she doesn't hear those exact words, but I do believe sending that energy her way, good for me anyway. So I have conversations with her, especially when I'm in a griefy moment.

I talk and I talk like she's here. because I also believe this is another kind of maybe for some of you far out like time On not just this dimension is sort of cyclical and like, it's all, what's yesterday is today and what's today is also tomorrow and everything sort of melds together in other dimensions.

And so I just feel like, um,

the more that I communicate out into the ether out into the universe, when I'm thinking and feeling it, and when it's on my heart, I just feel like it will be heard, on some level, right? It may not be through her ears, into her mind, whatever, but I do believe that on an energetic level, it is heard. making new traditions at old places. I talked about that. You can do things differently this year. Try to create new traditions.

Um, creating like new honoring the old traditions and adding on and creating new, not we're letting go of the old and now we're doing this, but maybe if that's not what you want, but like, I used to do this and now I'm doing this. Like an and, not but, it's just and now I'm doing this and we can meld them together and honor that and still be doing this and it'll all be okay if that's what you want,

so there's that.

 lastly, what I want to talk about is, grounding techniques.

For when you're in the moment of, oh shit, here I am, I'm stressed, I'm freaking out, having a little PTSD right now, or whatever it might be, in those moments, you're not going to remember how to do the difficult things, right?

Because your critical thinking is shut down. So I have easy grounding techniques for you to practice and use. What would be really helpful for you to do is to practice, 10 of these that you like, and practice them ahead of time because The human brain likes what?

Efficiency. Habit. Stuff that's easy. And especially in the moment of being in stress response. So you want to already have known and sort of done a little dress rehearsal on a few of these so that you can recall them quicker your brain won't as easily shut them down.

Like, no, that's not an option. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. It's going to be, if you've already done it a few times, your brain's going to go, Oh, let's go back to that thing that we did last week or whatever. You won't

feel as much resistance in the moment when you're in stress response if you've already done it

before,

okay? So what I suggest is to cut like little tiny pieces of paper and write down 5, 10, I mean you could write down every single one of these and actually maybe I'll put them in the show notes Um, on a little piece of paper fold it up and put it into you know, a little cup or a jar or If you want to, like, put it in an envelope so you can take it with you on the day of, whatever event you're going to.

put them all into a place, a hat, and every time between now and the event, every time you walk past you pick one of the piece of paper out, open it up and do the grounding technique.

Like on the spot, it only takes you a couple of minutes to do each one of them, so that way, not only are you practicing the skills so that you know them for future, right? And you have them on recall, but now this is a grounding technique itself.

Like picking the paper out and opening it up and reading is its own grounding technique. So you, then you get a twofer, and when you're stressed because you, again, aren't wanting to, you're not using your critical thinking, your executive, functions, you're not going to want to think about what to do in that moment, but mindless, you know, Oh, I could just go to the envelope or go to jar and pick out an exercise to do.

It's thoughtless. You don't have to do anything. You just pick out a thing and then follow what it says to do. It's a win win, okay? So I've got them in sections we're going with the physical techniques first, okay?

So a very simple one is to take the tip of your tongue lightly. Press it to the roof of your mouth and let the bottom of your tongue just fall as you breathe. So that's one simple

you can also notice your jaw and like unclench it and see how it feels. You can do that. You can start and do a scan of your body from your head down your extremities and down through your, chest cavity, your ribs, all the way down to your toes. Just do a scan of your body.

Notice where you're tight. Inhale and then exhale and relax each area Bilateral stimulation. So you can take your hand, if you're watching, you'll see this. You take your right hand out it's extended out to your right hand side.

And you bring it into the center of your body. And you take your left hand. Extended completely out and bring it over to the left side of the body straight, right? All the way as far as you can to the back of you and then bring your left hand back into center arms straight Elbow straight, and then have it meet your right hand and then back over to your right again All the way as far as you can over and then back and then back and back.

Okay you can also do it arm, leg, PNF style. So you go , left leg pointed, left toes up off the ground, like in a diagonal. And then your right arm up. takes some balance, and then you take your right elbow to left knee, and then bring it back up.

Okay, while you're standing, obviously. And then do the opposite. Amazing to, get both sides of your brain working, and focused on something else. Okay? Breathing techniques. Square breathing. I've talked about that. I can't even tell you how many times in the episodes. all different kinds of breathing, whatever you do, just make sure your exhales are twice as long as your inhales, or, you know, just maybe not exactly twice as long, but much longer than your inhales.

. Hold a piece of ice in your hand. Just hold it. Notice how it feels. It feels cold, my palm is getting numb, my middle finger is getting numb, I feel the water dripping off my hand. Simple, okay? It will distract your brain into coming into the here and now.

Focusing on where you are spatially Notice the smell. holidays, there's probably cooking going on. Or maybe you walk outside. What do you smell out there? You can also do thinking of smell. You could do the 5, technique where you think of five things that you can hear, right?

Notice five things that you can hear four things that you can see. Three things that you can touch. Two things that you can smell. One thing that you can taste. another physical thing, jumping jacks, my windex, sawball for everything to do some jumping jacks. You're tired. Do some jumping jacks. If you're stressed, jumping jacks. Jumping jacks are phenomenal. They bring you to the here and now. You feel the pounding on the, so long as you don't have any injuries, on your feet.

Also, , it resets your brain it's also bilateral stimulation. notice the sounds around you. You can go outside, do the same thing. Okay. Mental. Anchoring statements. Okay, simple, like, this is good if you are, uh, by yourself and all of a sudden you, especially if you've got some PTSD, like some complex PTSD, and you are going to the past and you're stressed out about something that's happened and then you start going to the future and whatever, anchor statements are like, I am, state your name, and it is, 3 o'clock on December, I don't know what it is today, 3rd?

2nd? 3rd? it's a sunny day outside there is a dog behind me on a chair. There's another dog behind me on the couch. a cat in the other room. I am in Florida. Um, just bringing yourself to the here and now and talking about the very basic facts of your existence around you, okay, um, recite a poem or a song, your favorite song, like think of like your favorite feel good song and start singing that song or at least reciting the words to it on the inside or even better on the outside, okay, you know me, do a dance party with that song, um, Play a memory game, look at an area of a room, especially if it's not, well, you could do it even if it is your house, look at an area of a room or a photo, like a very detailed photo or magazine, it's like you're at somebody's house and they have magazines out or something, find the most detailed Picture in that magazine, you can stare at it for 10 seconds or stare at the corner of the room for 10 seconds, notice all of the detail to it, then close your eyes or walk into another room and then recall either out loud or on your head, mentally recall all of the detail of whatever you were looking at.

Okay, memory game, um,

with that, I want to say if you're looking at corners of the room and you're in home at home or whatever, just try to keep your Observations, very basic. And what I mean by that is try to not assign meaning to whatever you're noticing. I'm just thinking that like in an emotional state that sometimes we will look at items, especially in our own house.

And they remind us, like if I saw right now, I'm seeing a picture of my old dog, Jack on the fridge. I've brought it with me. Crazy. I haven't lost that, but I've brought it with me since I got him , when I was 22 years old. . And I had to put him down when Scarlet was, uh, about a year and a half old, if I was really still upset about that, looking at that picture, I could start telling stories in my head about, about that whole scenario, about the emotional ness of Jack, my dog, or I could just say there's a dog a beagle dog on my refrigerator. Stay with the basic as opposed to going into be a meaning that you're assigning to whatever it is that you're noticing.

 

. Play a category game. Think of all of the sports that you can. Think of all the balls in sports, like There's a baseball, there's a golf ball, there's a, , volleyball, tennis ball, . Uh, cricket ball, whatever those things are called, cro cro croquet ball, right?

Kinds of trees for me, I would think of kinds of Hoyas, which are the tropical plant, animals with gills. mammals mammals that you can train. I don't know, whatever.

Category game. I like because I think ask your brain a question. It's always going to want to find the answer for it. So something like that is just an easy one because your brain's going to want to keep finding more of that and it keeps you and also you can do this if you got other people or other kids or whatever around you it becomes a group.

activity. And so you can really turn an otherwise stressful moment into a fun game, And I'm all about

turning it into fun, or, finding a little humor in it, as you guys know. Okay, I'm fighting this sun. I'm almost done. Distraction techniques, a movie. The walk, call a friend, phone a friend. Um, as we already kind of talked about, but just doing something completely different than what you're doing in the moment.

I like those and I don't like them. I mean, they're all kind of distraction techniques. Some are more mindful than others. And What I think that a movie or like watching a TV show sometimes can turn into is buffering that we're just running to something else to move into a different world. And what I really think that these techniques are for to bring you more into the present.

So distraction techniques, I just say, if you ask me, I would use them sparingly, you know, try using the other techniques first. Because really what you want to do is bring yourself back into the present moment. And just reassuring yourself that you, these are just tools that you can use during a stressful time because you have the mental wherewithal to, to use them and to be mindful in those moments, knowing that you can get through all of this, knowing that your mission.

You're, you're going through this because you were made to get to the other side. But in the case that, you do want to go watch a movie, then, watch the movie, you know, just don't only use that.

, or go for a swim or go, you know, whatever, the swim, I like that idea better because it's sensory also, notice the, resistance of your hands in the water and what the water feels like coming off of your fingertips and onto your arms notice the splash that your feet are making and how that feels for your muscles and for the, areas that are outside of the water, how it feels to have the water splash those areas.

You know what I'm saying? Like if you're doing flutter kicks, then you can feel the splash of the water on your hamstrings or on your heels. When you're running, feeling the wind in your face. Like that. Do check ins with yourself physically before and after each one of the exercises that you happen to perform, and then make a mental note of what, which ones like worked and which ones didn't.

So like, a physical check in beforehand. If you were to rate yourself from 1 to, or 0 to 10, 10 being I'm feeling fucking amazing, and 0 meaning I'm gonna die right now, where are you on that scale before doing the exercise? And then after doing it, mindfully doing the exercise, where are you Was there a difference? Did it stay the same? Did it get worse even? Just make a mental note of that so that you know what works for you and what kinds of situations for next time. Like, don't always just write off one technique because that didn't work, so blah, blah, blah. It could just be that that didn't work for this situation.

. So I'll put all of these grounding techniques and you could actually probably just Google grounding techniques and you come up with many more, but I'll put these in the show notes for you guys. And then it would probably be so much fun for you to like, and also and easy access, resource for you to write them all down on little pieces of paper, fold the paper up, put them into some sort of receptacle.

That you can retrieve them from and try a new one each day, or like make a time for yourself, a five minute time period to take a break from work every day to try a new one, just pick one out of the hat or whatever you have, okay? And, um, then you have a whole library of grounding techniques in your brain, easy access.

For the stressful times in your life, okay? All right, so that is my holiday survival guide, my loves. Just remember, no matter what, you know, grief is not linear. Linear, as I'm sure you guys have heard me say and heard other people say. What Sometimes one Christmas or one holiday will feel just fine. And then the next one, you thought you were over all the things, and it will be awful for you.

Um, I mean, God forbid, I don't hopefully, none of your holidays are awful, but, you know, it's just the reality of it. You're human. This is a human experience. And there are gonna be times, especially when we're talking about with grief, that, you know, aren't great. And you're sad, and you feel lonely, and things just don't feel right.

Thanks. That's kind of the name of the game. When we're talking about grief, if there were holidays that you spent, and this goes even like, especially with there's somebody that's passed in your life, you know, and you spent all of your holidays with them before , they passed. And then all of a sudden you don't have them in your life also saying it's not going to feel the same and knowing that your kids are here alive on this earth and that you still can't access them.

It's going to present a whole different.

Series of stories for you. make sure that you're taking your power back where you can, you know, acknowledging that , things are not the same as they were. , but if we're being real there, nothing is ever really the same as it once was last year is always going to be different than this year.

Even if you had them under your roof, so just. being compassionate, finding compassion for others. Also, what I didn't talk about is when you're feeling really down in the dumps, talking back, back to, um, you know, planning your holiday time out service work is amazing during this time. You guys plan for, if you've been consumed with everything that's been going on, I'm really fighting the sun, you guys.

You've been consumed with yourself and the situation in court maybe and missing your kids so much and you feel like you've just been in your head a lot. You're going to not want to do this, but encourage yourself to go to service work, schedule days at the soup kitchen or wherever, whatever cause feels good for you, giving in some way, like volunteering your own time to others.

And need is the number one best way to get out of yourself and feel better and share and connect with people on a level that is so deep and so meaningful. You know, even when right now you don't feel so significant in your own children's lives, you know, so service work actually should have been number one, but, um, so I guess that's six things during for your holiday survival kit.

Okay, make sure to do some service work, give back, even when it feels impossible, Even if it's for an hour, just take that hour and think of that as like your escape from what's going on with you. involve yourself in and with others in their lives, helping them you know, to ease their pain

okay. So that Is all I think I have for you. You guys have a lovely lovely week. I'll talk to you next week.