In this episode: I was thinking today, what is one of my favorite ways to feel empowered and in charge, and this one immediately came to mind... I think one of the most underrated little mind hacks is the power you will find in using "I CHOOSE to..." language rather than "I HAVE to" or "NEED to". Today I share with you my thoughts on this, and challenge you to start noticing your "have to" language. Because as parents experiencing alienation, we have enough on our plates... feeling imprisoned/setting our own limitations is not helpful. visit https://beyondthehighroad.com for info on the monthly membership!
Well, hello guys.
Okay, so real quick, before I go into the episode, I wanted to go ahead and I'm going to pick the name for the drawing. And announced that before. I continue. Okay. So I'm actually doing it right now as we're doing this. So there was Lisa, Susie and Noah if you have put a review in and you are not Lisa Suzy or Noah.
Please let me know so that I can find it. , if there's somewhere where I don't know about, please let me know. .And then I will enter you into the next drawing. Okay. And I. Just picked. And . Noah you have got a free month.
So just email me whenever you hear this , I just changed my email situation up. I think you guys heard last week, I was. All over the place and trying to, no, I'm not going to bore you with the details, but.
I'm going to keep everything for the podcast and for the membership too, it's going to be beyond the high road at Gmail. Super easy. And, , I will be checking that one. And pretty much strictly that one, , on the reg for all things. , podcast and membership. Okay. So Noah, you are the lucky Wiener. This month. So just like I said, just shoot me an email and then we'll go from there. Okay. And to all of you who have, Submitted reviews. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. They really make my day and Lisa.
left me a review on Facebook and it was a lovely review. Thank you so much. Yeah, I can't. Thank you guys enough. So keep them coming so that other parents like you and me can find us. And,
The membership is calling you guys. There is still plenty of time to get in for February, even though it's a short month, we are still going to have four coaching calls for the month and you'll still have all of the material that you would in a 31 day month. So in fact, even I wrote the.
The first this month program with 31 days, even though there's only 28. So the short month is not going to, Affect what we're doing in there at all. We haven't even had our first coaching call yet. Doors open today. , for the coursework and all that, but our first coaching call is most likely going to be in the beginning of next week. , I wanted to see everybody's schedule so we could get at least the first one together.
, and then of course, there's. More details about that, on the site if you've got a busy work schedule and you're not able to be there, live for the coaching calls. You could always still watch the calls afterwards . , and there's. So much more there'll be plenty of opportunities. And once we get everything up and going, I'll have probably some pop-up workshops and a bunch of other stuff. So there's plenty of stuff to take advantage of.
Right now there's already five or six videos in there maybe more. To keep you busy. So it's, there's plenty of stuff. To be. Had there, especially for $97 a month. So, anyway, I just want to let you know that you still have time. And that is all I have. We're going to go into the episode. Stay tuned.
Okay. It is February 1st and I am sitting here. It is. W later in the afternoon. On Wednesday and I just. Uploaded and finished the last tweaks of the membership site and it is live. So we have some members in there, hopefully they're there at this moment. Be bopping around. Well,
You're not bebopping around. Just made me think of a bunch of Muppets. I don't know. I am slap happy. Today now because I mean, I've been working like 12 and 14 hour days just trying to get the site up and going and all that editing and you know, all the things done. So. Anyway, I'm Woohoo. I'm celebrating in my super tired way.
I just, right now, I mean, I literally am switching gears. I just closed out all of my website tabs and put that to bed I was. Sitting here for the last, like five minutes thinking, what am I going to talk about? And then I, a couple of things came up. Very soon I want to talk about your purpose. Somebody had written in about dealing with anger. And then also what came up for me was I wanted something today. That one was natural and easy for me to talk about. Because I'm tired. And two, I wanted something that you guys would appreciate, and that would be something that you could apply right now and feel results from. Right now. . And I was like, thinking back in.
I'm trying to remember, like what. Where I was like, what I needed the most to feel free. Right. Cause I just remember feeling. I use the word a lot, but I, I felt imprisoned incarcerated shackled. Right though. I use those words because that is exactly how I felt. I felt like I was at the bottom of a very dark pit or like a well with no letters or.
Windows are exit doors, right? That's that like, Apitomy a feeling trapped in the alienation situation. And for me, I felt like my choices. Like I couldn't go pee without. Somebody questioning me about it. And so I was very, I was bitter about it for a long time. And then I was just like cynical and you know, all of the things. And so.
One of the biggest freedom. Setters for me. With something that was pretty instantaneous. And it is a mind shift. It's about becoming aware.
I have most of my my episodes are about mind shifts in one way or the other, right. And this little hack I think is so simple. But so, so valuable and it is. Recognizing where your choices are. Okay.
I think due to even the way that we're brought up and how people talk around us. I don't know if it's just in the us. I don't think so. I think this is a. All around the world. Thing. These days anyway, where we, the language is often I have to go do this. I have to go. You know, to the grocery store, I have to go.
Put the trash on the curb. I have to go right. And this is the most it's like one of the easiest things that you can change, but it's also when you don't change it and you don't notice that you're doing it in your own life, it can really feel like the walls are closing in on you.
Notice like, if you want to. Feel empowered in a hurry within an afternoon, within a couple minutes. Really. Start noticing. Where you are doing that, right?
Okay. For instance, like. The example. I just used a minute ago. I have to go take the trash out. , they were a cycle came this morning. That's why that came to me. But actually I don't have to, I didn't have to go do it. I want to do that. Why because I like having you know,
And not stinky trash area. Right next to my garage because that's awful. . So I want the benefits to it, but I don't have to do it. And I think is small is, a shift is this is, The payoff is massive. If you're doing it on the larger scale with everything that's going on in your life. .
Because, when you're recognizing where your power is. See like with alienation, the thing is, is that we. Things that we used to take for granted are things that we thought were our rights, hmm. That's a whole different podcast. But things that we thought that were just granted for us,
Those things have been put to the test, you know, to say it lightly. Right. So for me, I know I had like this whole existential crisis there for a while. Like what even is real, what isn't. And so I think for us, I think it's even more important that we really do look at our language and look at the way.
That we're viewing our place in our own life. Okay. And I think it's really important for you to, to do the same, to like, Actually become aware of every single one of your choices. Like even the little things. No, you don't have to go to the store and get milk right now. You choose to like,
Notice the difference in the way that you feel. When you just decide to say, I choose to, instead of, I have to, because there were very few things. That you could actually say I have to, and really that be legit. Right. Like you have to, the only time. Really like, technically that you. Could say I have to, and even then, I don't know, it would be a choice as if somebody had a gun to your head.
Well, why you choose to do this because you don't want to die. Right. But you don't have to do anything. At all, ever, these are all choices, right? And that's very freeing to know that like you're choosing to do whatever it is that you decide, whatever you do all day long, whatever you do with your custody situation, whatever you don't do with your custody situation, whatever you decide to do with your communication, with your.
Relationships with their family, with your job, your lack of a job or your, whatever it is you're making. These are choices. So instead of. Living life feeling backed in a corner. I'm suggesting that you. View this with a different lens, ? That no matter what you're doing, there is always a choice. You may not necessarily like what the choices are. . But that's a whole nother mind shift, but there is always a choice.
And so when you start to recognize that even just the little everyday things that you do are not things that are obligations, but rather.
Decisions that you make because of a result. That you want, right? Because of a desired result. . So I think that yeah, that is a. A point worth making and something for, I think that is worth every single person on this earth. But especially us as alienated parents because. We do feel like our choices have been cut. Minimized quite a bit. . On the other side, I was screwed up when I ever say, oh, the other side of the coin. I always look on the other, I've seen side of a different coin. Anyway, on the same note. Other people are also allowed to do whatever the fuck they want. Right. This is like I mentioned this in the
Alienated parents, bill of rights. Right? Is that. Even like the alienator they're allowed to do whatever they want. And that sucks sometimes, but it lessens the blow, . One of my favorite sayings about my ex was that, oh yeah, he just thinks he's above the law. He just does whatever he wants whenever he wants to.
Well, actually, We all do. Right. And so I think that that is. It likes sort of levels the playing field. So I don't feel so as cheated. Yeah. He may do things that I would never choose to do. And that is something that I look at as a good thing for me. About my own character. That's something I'm proud of. .
That isn't something that he values . I don't want to judge him, but like clearly he has a different take on how to treat other people. . And I'm assuming that every alienated parent. , feels the same about their ex or whoever is alienating their child or children from them.
So the reality is that it is actually a free world, right? You can do whatever the heck you want and they can, everybody else can do whatever the heck they want. We may not always like what other people do and they may not like what we do. But we do my point in this is that you do have many more choices than I'd be willing to bet that you are granting yourself, or that you are noticing in your life because If you're like me and like many of the humans out there, we sort of, back ourselves into corners, right? Thinking that we have to do this and we have to do that. I think it's an error, a thought error to think, oh, I have to do this or else I won't get this. Okay. Yeah. Right. But if you say, I choose to do a, because you want be.
This is like a much more empowering way to look at it, right. If I have to do a, because I want to get B. It doesn't, it's not as rewarding. And our brains we're set up for a reward. So why not? Enhance the way that we experienced those. Right. So little tricks like this, I think are just amazing. And like I said they.
Provide the feeling of freedom almost instantly by just looking at and becoming aware of all of the little areas. And you'll be amazed if you decide to become aware. Of just this one thing, where am I saying I have to. And then stopping yourself in the moment and asking, just getting curious, you don't have to be like, don't say that, you know, but just could be like, do I have to, huh?
And then maybe even it might be worth considering what would happen if you didn't do said thing, . What are , all of the options on the table? And what would happen if you took each route, right. Like, I think it's so beneficial .
To look at every single angle. Because we close ourselves off to so many different opportunities. ' cause we have like these blinders on and our eyes on the floor and we're walking and thinking.
We don't have any choices. This life sucks. I don't know what to do. Right. I am not mocking anybody that feels this way. I know it very well. And I. Sometimes still am there. ? I definitely was there. Without even being aware of it for long time. Right? Years and years. So I, 100% understand it and that's why I feel comfortable saying it the way that I do, but we do, we oftentimes will have our, you know, our head down and eyes on the floor and thinking we don't have all these choices. And meanwhile, we're missing this huge, all of these opportunities, this whole festival going on, you know, around us, all these different things that we might be able to do.
Had we looked up. And again, just know that I am saying this. Knowing that you may be going through some grief. A great deal of reef, ? So I do, I'm taking this into consideration , but I, I still going through grief and even. Being in a depression, if that's where you're at, I still stand by this.
A hundred percent. In fact even more so. Right. Because when you're in, I know when I was in the depression, I was in like a full on clinical depression. I know that then what I needed to do was this, start to look at my opportunities. Where do I have choices? So that I didn't feel like I was like handcuffed. Hands tied behind my back. That's how, I mean, it was awful. So I get it. So it's like, look. Looking at this kind of language and starting to. Put on the hats of different perspectives, different. People different roles, different ideas, because you can do that. Your prerogative too. Decide or question your identity. Your role in this world, your, place in your community and society, all of those things. You can, decide today. You can decide tomorrow whenever you want. At any time that you are going to take on a completely different identity, if you wanted to write. not saying that you need to do that. I'm just saying it is truly an option.
We get so stuck in our, you know, in our ideas and the habitual thoughts, we make these like own barriers, like these own like long. Uh, you know, Corridors for ourselves. The only way that we know, we just keep repeating the same patterns, the same thought patterns, the same action patterns, all of it over and over again. And we kind of forget that there are there are other paths. There are other ways there are other perspectives.
There are other points of view. I mean, I could find a million different synonyms here, but like, there really are so many different ways to look at things, you know, so. , just yesterday or the day before I was outside and this happens all the time I'll be picking weeds in my yard. Have you ever been weeding in your yard and .
You're down there and you think that you've gotten all the weeds right in your one little area and you get up and you're ready to move to the next section. And then you, once you move over a little bit, you see all of these weeds that you missed in that one little two foot by two foot section, there was all these other ones that you didn't see, but all it took was for you to stand up and move maybe two inches and see all these different ones.
It's sort of the same thing with our life, right. And with the, choices that we think that we have, and that we don't have, but we don't ever take the time to stand back and look. Because we have our heads down the whole time and that makes us feel so like, Bull right. The world is great then.
Instead of really questioning like all of it. Right. Do I have to do this? Do I not? What are the consequences? If I don't, if I do. What are the benefits, right? How, what is the payoff here? Is the payoff greater than the. Consequence, like all of these things are so beneficial for you, but even, even if you know that you're gonna do whatever the thing is,
And so why even question it because questioning, it makes you feel like you are the one making the choice to do the thing. Does that make sense? When you, put something up for inquiry, then you're telling the rest of yourself, the rest of your brain. Okay. There is a choice here. It's not something that I'm being. There's a gun to my head and I'm doing it. Know I'm making this choice. You know, this is an educated decision and that my friends, let me just tell you is really freeing.
Because the day that you start doing that, the day that you start. You stopped saying have to and replace it with, I choose to, and really actually look at your choices. You're acting as your own free agent. Right. You have agency over yourself. You're like, w you are in the action mode in your own life. And that feels so good. Earlier last year, Mark Manson said , You know, People other people have the power to fuck up your life, but you are the only one that has the power to change it. To make it better.
That's such a great quote, such a great thing to think about because yes, yes. Okay. And it is, it is part of life. It's sucks. People do things that suck. And we can't control it, but this is part of freewill. Right. So we have choices. We can choose how we want to respond.
To it. And we can respond in a way that further hurts us or further. Keeps us stagnant. Or we can truly, truly like embrace. Our choices. . So just. Look at the areas where you're saying you have to and question it. That's my challenge to, you know, for this next week.
And I hope that it lifts your mood and makes you feel freer. Okay. Thanks. My friends. I'll see you next week.