27. Heal Yourself From Your Mind Outwards

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 27. stay tuned well hello everybody so if you haven't read the title yet today we are going to be talking about the importance of managing your mind your thoughts and becoming aware of what is going on for you because if you are in a place where you have been fatigued if you've been foggy brained if you feel like blocked mentally emotionally energy wise spiritually if you have been unexplainably sick and like under the weather and no tests or doctors explanations have really done it for you or nothing seems to be conclusive this what I'm getting ready to share with you

today matters it matters more than we often want to pay attention to or give credit to your whole body is energy right you are an electric system full of vibrations and we store old trauma for so long sometimes we don't even know how to access it we can just end up incredibly blocked and it can come out sideways in our health now I'm not saying this to scare you or to make mountains out of mole Hills here or study after study more and more every day stress causes and can bring out a lot of terminal illness in people and so we really need to take care of our minds and our bodies and if anybody needs to do it more than just the general public it's those people like us who are dealing

with ongoing and repeated trauma okay complex trauma so if this happens to be you if you are feeling any of the things that I listed then stay tuned this episode is going to give you a little insight and I hope it's usable and enjoyable for you so stay tuned the average person in today's world thinks about on average 70 000 thoughts per day it's between like 60 and and 80 000 thoughts we're just going to explore the difference and say 70 000 thoughts per day it's a lot of thoughts right between 90 and 95 of those thoughts are repeated thoughts so they are habitual thoughts go on all day long and you're of subconscious working in the background of your mind on

autopilot the way your brain works it collects and sorts information with each event that happens small or large in your life from making a cup of coffee in the morning to getting a letter from your ex it's going to sort and fill in the blanks of specific events that are happening according to past events and what your brain already believes I'm going to say it again the circumstance occurs and your brain will take that circumstance and fill in the blanks fill in information that is not there with backstory according to your current belief system so that it can file it accordingly so that it can stick it in the memory in the right spot okay it's extremely

efficient it's the way that your brain likes to do things because as we know the brain loves habit okay by Nature as humans we take any event that happens and we want to classify it for ourselves and what it means for us something as simple as if you work in an office and somebody orders pizza you will have many more thoughts than you think that you're having about this pizza showing up and depending on what your current programming is what your current belief system is regarding eating pizza you're going to have thoughts that follow that right it could be like oh great pizza's here it smells so good oh I couldn't fit in my pants this morning oh maybe I

shouldn't eat pizza I always eat pizza I always end up doing it even when I don't want to and that's why I'm the way I am do you know what I'm saying and if let's say diet isn't a thing for you you may have other thoughts about pizza there might be like a memory attached to Pizza the last time you had pizza with those toppings on it then this happened and that happened and blah blah blah right we're always categorizing and sorting your brain is doing this on autopilot deciding what it means for it for you as a person how are we supposed to relate this to our life do we keep it do we throw it away okay I've talked with you guys about confirmation bias that's this

any new thought that comes in it likes to organize it categorize it like oh that makes sense because we already believe a b and c so it will accept that thought if it doesn't like the thought and the thought challenges what you currently believe it will try to disprove the new thought okay this is what feels safest for your brain it's efficient it has worked for as long as you've been alive so it's going to keep on going with what it does unless it's taught different okay but this is why too like you'll notice that you get kind of Fired Up when somebody says something and it challenges your current belief system even if it's about something that you're seemingly unaffected by when you

notice that you are trying to prove that belief wrong this is that part of the brain doing that this is why we want to argue our points the brain doesn't like to be wrong because if you're wrong about any specific belief then that means that you might have to question who you are and what you stand for and it doesn't like to do that because it would require energy it would require you to learn something different and then that would your whole belief system could be in Jeopardy so you have these thoughts seventy thousand thoughts per day sentences basically that are running around in every corner of your mind at all times of the day right when you're sleeping when you're awake when you're

bored when you're eating pizza there are thoughts and then thoughts about thoughts and then thoughts about those thoughts there's always stuff going on in your subconscious just on autopilot that you do not even recognize or think about most of us don't even recognize or think about little backstories running on behind the scenes okay always each one of these thoughts here's how I like to picture it each one of these thoughts has a partner I like to imagine them sort of skipping around in your brain like arm and arm and on the arm of your thought is an emotion there's thought emotion thought emotion thought emotion with each thought you have it triggers an emotion okay 70

thousands of those a day seventy thousand emotions happening throughout your entire day while you sleep in your subconscious and that's why like sometimes when you don't know why you feel a certain way that's because their subconscious thoughts that are taking place and then of course there's an emotion attached to just arm and arm skipping around a bear in the brain like freaking Frack seventy thousand of them they may be a lot of the same emotions but they're still one in one so an emotion is the physical manifestation of a thought okay you cannot have an emotion without a thought being attached to it so when we say oh I don't know why I feel this way you could actually stop

and get quiet and start to ask yourself questions and find out where it's coming from okay and in my program I help my clients to find the subconscious thoughts that are causing us suffering and then help them to identify the emotion that's accompanying it because sometimes we don't know and until we really learn how to drop in to our body and to identify and to feel what that feels like out of that 70 000 80 to 85 percent of those are negative in nature what's 80 of 70 what is that 55 60 000 negative thoughts and then accompanying emotions that we have daily that's a lot of negativity coursing through your veins so managing your mind and becoming aware is so so helpful for

the average person who's not dealing with an ongoing situation like alienation or any other kind of abuse right so imagine like how helpful it would be for you when we've gone through something like parental alienation and we know that we're not liking the results that we currently have and if we've been in suffering if you've been suffering in let's say like a low-grade depression or even a full on depression and you can't seem to get out of it and you're feeling stuck and you can't get out of the anger you notice that you you know you're just on like these Loops right obsessing about it and then notice that everything will be fine and you'll be you know starting to make a life for

yourself and all of a sudden something will happen and Trigger the whole cycle again and then you notice that for another month or two or sometimes longer your back it's like almost like a relapse and you're back into the same depression and thought Loops if this is happening then we want to start looking at the system that is currently set up in your brain so a thought is based on our own individual models of the world and a belief is a thought that we have decided to think on repeat like you can believe anything if you put your mind to it and you really wanted to believe something is true if you repeated it to yourself enough times this would turn into a belief of yours or you would

believe it to be truer than other things okay so you can reinforce a thought and make it become a belief by repeating it okay so I think it's helpful to point out if 90 of our thoughts 90 to 95 of our thoughts are repeated and 80 to 85 percent of our thoughts are negative then that means that a lot of these thoughts that we're thinking on the daily basis what did I say uh 56 000 negative thoughts per day okay a 90 to 95 of those are repeated then how many negative thoughts have become beliefs about our own selves so what you're thinking and believing about yourself matters and we often aren't aware of what those things are and if our reality is solely based on information coming in

and associating that information with our perception of the world and our perception of our own selves and how we fit into that world then I think it matters an awful lot that we know what those beliefs are okay and how we really truly are perceiving ourselves sometimes I know for me like if I think back I'm sorry you guys there's a really loud truck outside and I guess they're building a pool across the street and at my neighbor's house which is fantastic for them but super inconvenient for our episode today so I apologize if you can hear that beeping in the back it's super distracting for me before I came to doing this work I really had no interest or idea ah maybe slightly an interest

because I've always been intrigued and fascinated by the human mind but I was fascinated by the human mind but not necessarily my mind always because I thought that learning more about it would mean that it would be dragging things out and opening up Pandora's Box like once I opened it I just didn't know what to expect right but so back before I started Living consciously I um had no idea how many hidden deep-seated negative beliefs that I had about myself about money about family about what uh Mom and Dad should look like what those roles look like what relationships what they are supposed to be how parents are supposed to act when they split up how your ex should act all of these beliefs

that I had hidden deep inside of me that I had no idea were there and those beliefs were all affecting me on a very very real everyday basis and level like they were really affecting how I functioned and interacted with the rest of the world and a lot lot of these beliefs were keeping me from earning at my potential they were keeping me from choosing partners that were a proper and healthy fit they were keeping me from really they were keeping me from feeling the feelings that I needed to feel so that I could get on and move through life in a functional way if I'm gonna generalize it these beliefs there was many many beliefs that were holding me back okay and I didn't I had no clue

like I thought that I knew myself and I did on a you know what kind of eggs do you like what kind of that just reminded me of that movie Runaway Bride what like you know what kind of eggs do you like what's your favorite color or what do you like to do with your time you know that kind of stuff totally I had it I knew it you know what do you want to be when you grow up yeah a coach but when it comes to the beliefs that I had it took some uncovering and that took me learning and really for me it took me having a coach to be able to help me to find them to locate these subconscious thoughts and beliefs that I didn't even know I had because I wasn't paying attention to them I didn't know what to

look for but you can do it without having a coach if that's what you want to do and I will tell you what you can do in order to uncover these in just a minute but so we have these 56 000 negative thoughts that are going on in our head every day average person right this is not taking into account anybody that has any complex trauma situation going on you know parental alienation any childhood abuse this is just taking the average person so I'm thinking that the numbers are actually a little higher for those of us that have had any ongoing prolonged abuse trauma okay even more reason why we should really start becoming aware and weeding out the not so helpful thoughts and beliefs that we

have woven in to the the fibers of our body of our being okay deep in the subconscious of their brain and in the energy of your body okay some of these things are stuffed down and hidden behind corners and we don't realize them until all of a sudden they come up and until you are able to sort of it's almost like um you know unraveling a ball of yarn and just looking at everything and seeing and it's not a super lengthy process like it might sound like and it's also not a super unpleasant process in fact it is a beautiful process when you allow yourself to do the work to heal yourself from the alienation from anything that's happened in your life you'll see it's not sitting in the

therapist's office and crying until you can't cry anymore not most of the time it's not I mean it happens on occasion but you know of course to be expected but it's not a long drawn out emote um I don't know if I'm gonna ever be able to recover that sort of thing it's really not it's really becoming aware of the thoughts learning how to associate the right emotion to it and then poking holes in the thought or belief that has come up okay so I stress the importance to doing this if you want to feel better if you are not liking your current results in your life if you feel like even if it's just one area of your life like you feel like okay so it's been some some time now and I've really done

a lot of work on myself but there's just this one area that I see myself I'm holding myself back in then this this can help you right be able to look at what's going on with you by getting becoming super aware and then you can incorporate this process to all areas of your life and it's once you learn it just like any other habit your brain adopts it and it becomes your everyday process and so it's not like a big commotion to do every time but if you are like how I was where every area of my life life was a disaster was at a standstill I felt debilitated I felt completely emotionally starved depleted and I felt I was constantly exhausted to the point where I actually medically

things were wrong with me I could not stay awake during the day very lethargic I was you know I had headaches all the time anemia so these negative emotions were manifesting themselves so the negative thoughts happened negative emotions were the manifestations and then off of all of that stress the cortisol that the body releases this caused other issues in my system okay and I'm not trying to say this to scare you or whatever I want to say this to hopefully help you to empower yourself to take some action because there are steps to take if you've gone to the doctors maybe you've gotten a bunch of you know tests done and you're just trying to figure out why you feel the

way you do and there haven't been answers I'm telling you that this is something that's very common among the alienated parents that I've talked to so you're exhausted you can't figure out why what I found and what I've helped some of my clients to find out as well is that with doing this work you will find that your energy all of a sudden magically reappears and you the blood test will start to come back normal and all of the things now this is no promise and I am no doctor okay let me put that out there but I do know and there's study after study to prove that the the effects that stress has on the body and the consistent release of cortisol in the body and what that does to all the

rest of the systems in your body okay it's like a domino effect so that is why I think it's super important to learn how to manage your mind this is the most important tool you have in your body in your life is your interpretation of your the world around you your model of the world and when you improve one thought and then the next thought in the next thought guess what the world improves as well and so then you notice that all of a sudden you're coming up you where you were mentally blocked you felt you were in this state of confusion you didn't know what to do next you didn't know which career moved to make you didn't know whether to go back to court or not

his answers start to come when you start to heal your brain and these old deep-seated beliefs that you've had for you know eons since you don't even remember right when you recognize and poke holes in the ones that aren't working for you and repair that and start to think and feel and believe on purpose you can cultivate your perceptions of the world if you want to feel a certain way you can find a thought that helps you to feel that way right you can think on purpose but first you have to become aware of the thoughts that are holding you back okay so yeah that's what I wanted to bring to you guys today so I think the reason why this did come up for for me was or for

this episode today was because I've had a few people reach out and they were um sort of um eluding that my approach to York healing my healing healing in general was a bit like utopian a little silver linings-ish but it's really truly the the most practical realistic way to approach it that I can that I've found is to look at your current beliefs and if they're not working in your life and they're not working for you and they're not getting you where you need to go then you need to find ones that are right it's you know I say it all the time it can be true but if it's not helpful then why if it's not getting you where you need to go why are we gonna keep thinking it it's like hitting your

head against a wall you know but but I have to you know you don't you don't have to continue thinking this this thing true or not is it beneficial is it moving you where you need to go right and there's a difference between thinking of thought on purpose or thinking of thought because you want to delude yourself you want to avoid a feeling and so you're gonna just think something else and we'll just pretend like it's not there and keep on going so different than that we want to always look at everything that's there and decide how we want to feel about it think about it on purpose okay so that it benefits us so we look at everything we're conscious about everything and we

go huh I hate that okay well I don't know hate such a such a beneficial feeling for me because that's only going to keep me feeling icky on the inside how can I think about this in a way that benefits me right it is not there's no Silver Linings attached to this instead we are being I think it's being smart it's being strategic about your way of living right you are being the most thoughtful and the most intentional about what you're going to spend your energy on your time on what you're going to put into this Temple of yours right what you're going to continue to think because you know when you feel an emotion you think of thought an ugly thought let's just say and then you feel

the accompanying freaking Frack the accompanying emotion you were the only one feeling it right you're the only one feeling that emotion so why would you want to feel hate and anger and all of those things because it festers the person that's feeling the emotion is feeling the festering nobody else okay so if the emotion doesn't feel good then you want to find the accompanying thought that's causing it that's triggering this emotion and then you want to poke holes in it poke holes in its validity okay or if the thought is when you try to poke holes and you can't because it's still true and true and true and true and there's no other thought that you want to bank then you

work on acceptance but the way that you become aware of your thoughts and what is going on in your brain on the reg and in even in your subconscious is to write them down as I suggest always you guys hear me say that like a broken record but it is true because you think you know what's going on in your head because you're with yourself all the time but when you put pen to paper or when you start typing it out thoughts come out of you that you never ever thought you don't right you you surprise yourself especially when you get good at emptying out your brain without judging yourself then you start seeing the stuff that's really there and I promise you so

much of it's negative it's at first it's it's appalling so you really want to look at that and at first you're gonna when you first start doing you know dumping your brain dump um you're going to want to judge yourself and I just would urge you warn you to lovingly stop judging yourself okay you are a human being and we all have these trauma no trauma we all have ugly thoughts we do it's just who we are and when we deny ourselves the right to have them I guess that that tendency to have ugly thoughts or negative thoughts then what we're doing is sort of trying to um muffle ourselves and that doesn't fare well okay for the rest of your brain so it's best to allow the thoughts

to be there and just notice them like notice them floating by you know so just notice them on the paper and don't make the thoughts mean anything about you okay so that's the start to become unconscious becoming super aware of your thoughts and your beliefs this is it right here okay so if you don't like the results you're having currently in your life or you don't like the way that you're currently thinking about your situation and it's not helping you and you feel stuck in anger and you feel stuck in um shame or any feelings that you don't currently love being in the first thing that you must do is become aware of what's going on and how you are viewing yourself as it relates to the world

around you okay okay thanks for being with me today and I love you guys and I will see you next week oh and don't forget to sign up for the healing and reinvention program this month we are diving into emotional balance so it's all about this and about how to have you know be good with having all of the emotions and how to choose your emotions on purpose so I go full Deep dive into um you know the overview that I kind of gave you today and that I've given you you know over however many episodes so go to beyondthehroad.com to join today oh and also thank you to Juju Philly thank you so much for your review I so appreciate it as you guys know um and yeah I really appreciate you

taking the time and I appreciate your kind words so thank you very much um and that is it I will see you guys next week thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyondthehighroad.com see you soon