45. The Blame Game/⭐️Bonus: The Secret to Reaching Your Goal

well hello you guys we are sort of continuing on from last week's like the emotional adulthood topics So today we're talking about the blame game when somebody blames you when you blame somebody else all of it so first announcements real quick I just want to say that we had a lovely turnout for the event this last weekend for those of you who are waiting for the replay like if you signed up for the event and you're waiting for the replay it is a comment I developed a the day after that event so on Sunday morning I woke up like like completely wiped out I'm not normally one to get any sort of real sick right I'm just you know I don't know either that or just usually power through it on

Sunday all of Sunday I got all these symptoms I wasn't able to equalize my ears and I lost my voice or it was like really really weak you know and on Sunday night so then I took a covid test and the covid test came back positive and then I took another covid test yesterday and that came back negative so I'm not really sure what's happened here the one that I took on two days ago was definitely an outdated test right and so then I had someone come bring me a new test yesterday and that one came back negative so and that one was like the right date so I don't know what happened with me but I am still recovering from it in fact like I just feel like you know like today's like day three of like

it would be like just remembering back in the day like a really bad hangover kind of feels like that but anyway one's very short that's no excuse the video is all done being processed and edited and I just need to actually throw it up on a page so that you guys can go to it because I can't send it an email because it is way too large of a file so yeah so that is that it's the it's the condensed version so that all of the points are there and it's not a lot of yeah anywhere it's in viewable shape so just look for an email in the next 24 hours with the link to that and your PDFs from the event or also if you want to join the private Facebook group then I am

just uploading as I speak with you right now on my laptop so you can wait for the email or you can come join the Facebook group I'm just now starting to post in there I'm going to try to nurture it as best I can make it a little bit more interesting than it's been for a while there there was only me as the member and then now there's uh I think there's there's a few I'll grow it but anyway it's there for you too now we're going to talk about the blame game I'm gonna approach this topic a little differently than you might have hoped or expected but in the end I promise you you will be happy about it I've been wanting to visit this for a while with you guys I mean for obvious reasons

right we go through so much of dealing with the blame from others feeling blamed by our kids by our exes by the new step parent by the judges the court system you know the you know the people the community the all of it we all know that when we understand something we tend to grow from it and then we stop fearing it and stop being defensive towards it and all the things so anytime that we're blaming right if you can think of a time that last time that you blamed somebody when you were doing it you probably felt bitter maybe even angry maybe even more than that right you may have felt backed against a wall defensive you may have felt slighted like the situation was unfair you may

have felt that the other person this is the big indicator the other person seemingly has more power than you and this is why we blame we place we point the finger elsewhere because we think they have more power than I do and I want to even the score when even the playing field right and so we think by Shifting the the attention and the the fault to the other person that we are going to get that we're going to get that result but we never do right think of the last time that you blamed somebody else and what happens it's like you still have that for me anyway I have that like still that angry feeling right in the pit of my belly like yeah right and it's still you think it's gonna feel

good but really afterwards it's not really fulfilling and nothing is really one out of the whole thing anyway because you're just still left with you at the end of it right and there's not the reward isn't worth whatever it was that you were blaming about so I think this is just interesting and like helpful I guess to remind yourself of or to think about when you're in the situation where you are being blamed where you're the blame e um and knowing that the person who is doing the blame feels that you have the power that you have more power it's just interesting right it's something just to note and maybe in the moment you can have some different thoughts about

what's going on with them okay so the difference between blame and responsibility is blame is full finding where taking responsibility is solution finding when we're placing blame whether that's on somebody else on something outside of us or on our own selves then essentially there's no learning to be had and we're cutting ourselves off from the solution we just want to shift responsibility elsewhere but when we're taking responsibility responsibility we're giving ourselves the ability to act in blame there's no move there's no move to make because then we're entirely dependent on the other person or the other theme to change in order for us to feel better

and when we're talking about a situation like alienation when we're blaming the alienator and the attorneys this gets sticky I know because I am also tempted to want to place blame on specific people major players in my case of alienation the thing is is that I find that when I am pointing the finger at all the people that I think that did me wrong that's got us here guess what I feel completely victimized I feel disempowered I feel like the world is wrong and until they go back and change what they've done I'm screwed so where you gain all your power is by releasing any finger pointing even in the cases where you know that the other person is quote unquote wrong they did this they

did that the judge didn't do what they're supposed to and I am not saying that you should take the blame but when you take responsibility for your part then you're opening yourself up to the ability to make change happen to evolve yourself and also maybe even the situation that you're referring to in this case some some aspect of your alienation but when you're pointing your finger and blaming at all of these other people for the alienation you know your ex and the step parent or the judges you know all that stuff when you're doing that then it effectively just halts your situation you cannot nothing can happen from the play face of you blaming you see so it's like you literally shut

yourself down from promoting change in your situation right when you take responsibility you're able to say all right I would have done some things differently but how are we going to do this going forward what are we going to do about this now your your solution oriented and you are able to step into your power it's like you literally like suit up in your own power the second that you decide you're willing to take responsibility I know some of you out there will go yeah I know but trauma even with like sexual abuse with any kind of abuse you've had in the past dysfunction any sort of trauma that you're carrying this applies if you're feeling blocked or stuck in any area of

your life little or big I would put all of the money that I have right now and all of the money that I will make in the future on the fact that if you're feeling disempowered now it is because somewhere inside of you may be subconsciously you are blaming something or someone for the reason why you can't do a b or c it is your responsibility is our responsibility if you've gone through any sort of trauma in your past many of you us will find ourselves in that victim place without even really realizing it I can't do a b or c because of that thing that happened back then that is going to affect me in the rest of my life moving forward you ever like people will say maybe you say it too

like I will never be the same since that experience well yeah we're never ever really the same you from one minute to the next we're never the same because we've lived more right but if you're looking at it like I will never be the same because of that experience and you're looking at it as if that experience happened on you at you against you then you will always feel at the effect and victimized and that you need to blame but I'm telling you your experience of your life of the world around you will be not a fun one it will be a miserable one so if you want to feel empowered feel charged in a good way like positively charged capable able then you are responsible for your

healing maybe you weren't it wasn't your doing that caused what has happened right not all of your doing but you are responsible for your appealing from now on when we can look at and I'm not victim blaming here when you can take responsibility for even like in the cases of abuse right I'm definitely not going to say well that was your fault you asked for it or it was warranted it right no but there is always an opportunity to learn what you would do differently how you would approach the situation in today's world how you will behave going forward as far as like who you will surround yourself with right and what ways were you not stepping into your power back then maybe you are

relying on somebody back then in a way that you wouldn't do in today's world there's always something to learn from every experience every experience right and when we're blaming we shut ourselves off from learning that and guess what when we shut ourselves off from learning from our previous experiences or our now experiences then that just means that some sort of kind of experience like that is going to come right back around our way or that old experience will keep presenting itself to us until we do learn the lesson that's what I believe anyway the experiences that we have is our curriculum each one of us you know so yeah if you want to move through your life the most efficiently and

effectively you must be open to stepping in the driver's seat and taking on the responsibility admitting where you could do better and also allowing other people to make their own mistakes and having some compassion for that too and so I know that some of you out there are thinking because I've done the same thing myself many times if you're taking responsibility for you then you're gonna be tempted to want other people to also then take responsibility for their own selves and I'm going to tell you that this is not going to happen most of the time most of the time other people because they're not doing their own you know self-reflection and healing sort of

Journey and so they're not going to be interested in taking responsibility they're not going to be interested in removing the blame they like being miserable basically right they like playing the blame game they want to keep themselves off of the hot seat so to speak even though it's really the other way around but let them think how they're gonna think so instead you'll find much more release when you actually apply this principle this little mindset tool to yourself like radically okay the most amazing thing is like you can consider it like a game to yourself like how much can you actually find that is true about whatever anybody is blaming you for okay and I don't mean this for

you to then start blaming yourself what I mean is that when somebody accuses you or faults you for whatever it is and you could do this for like things that have happened already too like you can look at like the one thing that you think about when you think about like an interaction with you you're thinking of the person right now okay so just that person when you are when you think back about it you ask yourself what Byron Katie talks about this what part of what they're saying is true even if it's just like one half of a percent true like if they were accusing you of being irresponsible you know that you were irresponsible or you have been irresponsible in some ways being able to

take ownership of that and like use it to grow you that is the work okay like taking responsibility swallowing your pride and not worrying about what you think that they're gonna receive by you owning it being like Oh yeah I can see what you're saying there yeah I definitely was irresponsible in a couple situations back then thank you for that I appreciate you helping me to grow to evolve right I miss powerful stuff but it does take some Pride swallowing I did this with my daughter's father just pretty recently recently ish was in an email I sent to him I will go into all the details but I will say it was about this whole supervision thing and I was like look see I've followed the

guidelines and here's all the proof and the data and the pie charts and the evidence right and at the end of it I said MPS thank you for I forget exactly how I worded it but thank you you actually were the Catalyst to my healing journey to look at my habits my responsibility in the situation so thank you very much and I tell you writing it I was like oh because all of the things the other parts of my brain that came up and were like you know what he's done like he has been oh all the things right but I was like no no I'm gonna take responsibility of where my wrong is here right because that I know feels better I know he's not gonna he's whenever if he ever did

change that's going to be on his terms and I'm not expecting that to happen anytime soon and that is not in a judgmental way that is just in a like whatever it's like that's that it's not my business right what he does it really isn't and so instead what is my business says me and how I conduct myself and the way that I show up in my own life yeah and so the the growth opportunity was there and I took it and I tell you it is it was empowering it was amazing because I was able to take responsibility for the areas that now they didn't warrant alienation right I feel like I need to say that for you guys like they it didn't warrant alienation nothing I did but I want to

take responsibility for the areas that I know I could have improved on back then and of course still today and as I'm going forward I always want to be able to to grow and move through and get better and better and better and better right and so it is an empowering experience when you're able to like look back at the places or the areas where you may have been holding on to some Shame about things and you know that you feel you know shamed me about and so instead to bring them to light and be like oh yeah I guess that they were right about that doesn't matter where they're coming from and what they're basing it off of okay so you have to like let that part of your brain go like

the resistance to yeah but yeah but yeah but Bay did this and they did that and the way that they're saying it they're not meaning it to be whatever right whatever their intentions are doesn't [ __ ] matter because it's not about them it's about you it's about you changing you growing you evolving you getting to the next best version of yourself right and when you're able to stop the blame game even for yourself it's not again not you saying it out loud isn't about how what they're gonna think it's about how you feel when you take the responsibility it's amazing it's like so freeing it doesn't matter what they think I'm doing this because I this is like you know the key that fits

the block that gets me to the the next area area of where I feel that much more free you know so anyway taking responsibility always feels much more empowering and much more uplifting free than placing the blame and so just remember that too like when you're tempted to want to somehow encourage somebody else to do this same work it's not going to work whatever somebody else is doing that is about them and let them figure it out when they want to figure it out you trying to tell them that they should also do this work it's not going to get you anywhere good I'm most of the time anyway unless that person is also really on this journey of wanting to better themselves right so and it's

neither here nor there nowhere wherever they're at the other person is at that's just where they're at today it's not bad or good and you've you and I have both been in that place of not wanting to see not wanting to know where you know we can improve we've all been so don't try to get them to change and do this this same work what was the other thing I wanted to talk about oh yeah self-blain like a lot of times I think we think that by blaming ourselves or talking down to ourselves we think that we will then learn our lesson or that we will perform better next time right and study after study after study show that this is not true the opposite actually happens by speaking poorly to

yourself you only cause yourself and I see this every single day multiple multiple multiple times in my coaching with my clients is that when they're blaming themselves or sort of like you should know better you should do it this way you should you know whatever you're saying to yourself when you're blaming yourself it only causes you to stay stagnant and stay in this like spin cycle of either confusion doubt worry self-pity self-deprecation sort of you know what I'm saying so you stay stuck in misery so don't do it basically but just remind yourself that when you're taking a responsibility for yourself you're going to open yourself up to Improvement to light to freedom to change to moving

forward right to unlocking this stuckness that you might be sitting in so really look at the way that you are speaking to yourself and what you're either blaming or shaming yourself for question the thoughts that are coming up for you and they the thing is is that you might have been blaming yourself and shaming yourself for so long that you don't even know you're not aware that it's happening because we're I mean this is going to sound so obvious but we're aware obviously of the conscious thoughts we're aware of the thoughts that we're aware of but we're not aware of the subconscious thoughts and I know that sounds whatever but there are so many subconscious in fact the majority

of our thoughts throughout the day our subconscious they're habitual thoughts I did an episode on this a while back heal yourself maybe that was that episode but when their subconscious their thoughts that you've thought on repeat repeat repeat for so long that they've become beliefs these negative beliefs and like automated automatic responses that your system has it doesn't really differentiate whether that's helpful for you or moves you forward or not it Just differentiates whether it's easy and doesn't cause you immediate pain or death if it's worked in the past even if it's not worked well but if it's worked for your system in the past it's going to keep doing it and so you really have

to become acutely aware of what those things are so the way that you do that you hear me all the time say this but the way that you do that is you need to empty your brain out on a piece of paper writing or you know typing it out is fine too but because you're subconscious thoughts when you're free writing is how I like to say you just like set a timer and just go just start writing when you're not judging you're not like assessing what you're writing and you're just dumping it all out then your subconscious thoughts will start to trickle out okay and that's the good stuff the stuff that you want to get to you want the subconscious thoughts to start leaking out so that you become

aware and so that they can become conscious thoughts and then you can decide consciously whether you want to keep them or let them go does this make sense okay so when you write them this is the only way we're talking them too but when you write them you are able to see oh look what I'm thinking and I had no idea but the only way to do that is to just free write to just go all right I'm just gonna write and sometimes that means that you just go okay I have no idea what to write and then you as you're typing nonsense whatever other stuff will start to come out start to flow out of you and if you do that long enough without looking at the paper and judging yourself and assessing that this

is important just Let It Go like Let It Come Out mindless okay then you will be able to get to those unconscious thoughts and beliefs that are affecting the way that you are living in today's world because I'm going into a whole new episode now actually but imagine it like if you feel stuck in any one of the areas in your life like let's say you feel stuck at like a a cap like a ceiling like you can't either get a raise at work or you can't seem to get your book written or maybe you can't seem to get yourself in or out of a relationship whatever it is for you I can promise you that the reason that you keep like banging your head up against a wall and it's like it's like a glass

wallet like I see what I want out there it's so clear it's right in front of me but for some reason I keep getting stuck here right and it's right there you see what you want it's clear in your mind this is what I want it's right over there but for some reason I can't get there I can't stop making these decisions I can't stop self-sabotage I can't stop you just keep doing it it's because of these subconscious thoughts that you're not aware that you're thinking okay so when you actually do this work to uncover these thoughts and beliefs your subconscious will actually drop them too when you do the work okay but it starts with getting aware becoming aware so

graphite some [ __ ] down the topic was the blame game and I just went all the way into your subconscious thoughts and how to get rid of your own self-blame but I think it works oh listen also I need you guys I need help on requesting your help well first let me start by saying thank you to all of you listeners I really appreciate you you have no idea how much I really do I mean that from the bottom of my heart the good news is is that we are in I don't know how many different what did I count today how many countries are we in we are now in 49 countries isn't that amazing it's the power of the interwebs it's amazing to me 49 countries in almost every continent

no wait I have to look yeah we don't have anybody in Antarctica but we have very close to it though I mean all over the world we have listeners so that is to me it's just amazing thank you for supporting and being listeners and I also would love I'm requesting your help here I would love it if you would rate and review or share this podcast with somebody that you know or maybe a group that you attend or if anybody else you know is is going through the situation awful situation of alienation then I would love love love if you could help me to bring it to to more people okay so the other parents like you and I or other people going through alienation can also find some relief from it right

so that would be my plea to you guys is please to either rate and review reviews would super duper help because the more of those that we get then of course the more visibility that we get so yeah that would be fantastic if you would do that yeah and so that's all I have for you I thank you guys in advance for your help on that and I will see next week thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations

upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyondthehighroad.com see you soon foreign