Alienated Parents: Who Or What DO You Allow To Define You?

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 87 stay tuned hi you guys so today we have I have um some Concepts in my head again some quotes that I was reminded myself of yesterday um and so let's see if it'll come all together this it is it is Wednesday afternoon right now at the time of recording um and so as you guys know even though these are supposed to drop on Thursdays technically I usually like to drop them as early as I can as early as I get them um edited and that's you know I tried usually it's Wednesday afternoons evenings but we shall see because the short week here in the US anyway and it is yeah afternoon yeah so

what brought this on the inspiration for this one was shopping for a birthday card for my darling daughter the other day okay I was just so tired and dragging and feeling like I couldn't get what I wanted to say out with you guys cuz my brain felt foggy and I will just tell you that you know like I haven't probably talked about this in a long time so jumping jacks have always been like my Windex of like heral like do some jumping jacks you'll feel better do some jumping jacks you'll get some energy I also I'm used to teach yoga for years and years and I don't I practice it myself kind of like integrated in with other stuff anyway my point is is if you're ever low on

energy go get your head underneath your feet go do an inversion so I just did handstands on my sliding glass doors there and I now have energy and my mind has cleared instant it's amazing I mean don't go hurt yourself pleased I mean I don't want to be the the cause of anybody's neck problems or any other sort of injuries but uh if you can even like laying upside down like laying on your bed with your head hanging off of the the side of it that'll also do any sort of supported inversion even like a tripod remember when you're were a kid and you would do a little tripod you could do that too anyway it's amazing for rain fog low energy so now I'm better now let's get

into it okay so um I was card shopping for my kiddo and I was running into all these in my head problems what if she doesn't like this one what if this one is too heavy what if this one's too light and too funny I don't want to send the wrong message and send her a card that is poking fun at all of this and trivializing our situation I think honestly there's a few other more humbling and also more intimate experiences at least for me than when you're shopping for a card for somebody that you love because it comes down to you defining redefining your relationship with them what message are you wanting to send them are you going to express love in the way that you want

to express it or feel like you should express it you know there's all these rules that we live by and that's kind of what happened so all these different cards nothing was always kind of like being like the three little bears you know this one's to this this one's to that this one's not enough and I walked out of the store although I walked in I might as well have been skipping I was in a great mood when I left I felt like drained and a little bit disheartened and without a card I might add I did not leave with a card in my hand because there wasn't the the quote unquote right one but what I realized while I was walking to my car and in my car sometimes I sit in my car

um and think or write notes to myself or whatever even though I live alone technically I mean I've got animals but you know most of the time especially when Nita when my pig was around I would go sit in my car to get away from the animals like as if they were kids you know how some parents do to get away from their kids anyway so I was sitting in my car and I was thinking I was not not standing in my own power in the card shop I was instead allowing everything external to Define my relationship with my daughter I was relying much on what I was supposing the response was going to be how it was going to be received right whichever card I would have picked and then I

ended up which is so typical for all of us in all the situations not just card shopping but I ended up creating all of these other problems in my head to the point where I was distracted by those problems and not focused on the task at hand and I walked away getting nothing accomplished and this I think it's so representative of what we deal with on the larger scale when it comes to our children and alienation and even before alienation began and today I have a few Concepts in my head like I sometimes do many times do but I also have three or four different quotes I think that they're actually oddly enough all from one particular person which isn't normally the case but

they all really apply here and this person that I'm getting ready to share with you it has nothing to do with alienation or even like the psychology world really I mean yes and no but it's Dan Sullivan and Dan Sullivan is more of like a finance coach getting helping businesses and and entrepreneurs but and but his message applies across the board right as far as like with us one of the things that he is known for saying now I might butcher this quote because I did not look it up and this one stay with me here because if I were to hear this as it applied to alienation um years ago I probably would have told you to go jump in a lake of lava hot boiling lava I would have been very annoyed with

you one of his things is there are no problems except for the ones that you create in your head I'm that sit with you just for a hot second before I give you more context so there are no problems except for the ones that you create in your head if somebody would have told me this years ago I would have told them to go [ __ ] themselves because clearly this whole mess that I was in and you as well is only happening because of the problem right the alienating parent displays narcissistic traits this is a pattern for them this is how they do they're clearly toxic people both parents would be able to love their children they're intervening and they're stepping in the

way they are clearly the problem that's where I would have been and I still am yeah common sense says this is not how people should act right people shouldn't do that and as I've been saying the past few weeks to you guys it's slow hanging fruit we know this this is common knowledge we know how people should act we shouldn't kill we shouldn't rape we shouldn't block the other parent from seeing their children and having a relationship being able to be loved and love love and be loved by the other parent or anybody really in their life that loves them we know this and what I think is very helpful to consider Ponder just like maybe how it could might be true you know is

why we're defining it alienation as a problem to begin with I know I know I feel you I understand I'm with you it's not right it's not right what they're doing they're not acting in a loving way but when we focus on a problem like me the other day in the the card store when we focus on the problem itself we're not thinking about a solution right just like the Gap versus game thean book when we're focusing on the Gap we end up losing out on the ability to create the gain right and so we end up lacking instead though if we can focus on who we are what we have and how we're seeing the quote unquote problem then the focus turns into us and what we can do because

if the problem is always the alienator the person that's alienating our children from us then we can never do anything our hands are always tied behind our backs me the other day this is something very trivial you know this this card shopping thing but I think it's always as you know for ever since I've began I've always gone to a very simple concept you know and applied it to our situations Al Nation it's less you know activated it shows the point a little bit easier illustrates the idea and then you can apply it to your situations but me going to the card store the other day and me focusing on what they might receive it as they meaning not just my daughter but whoever

hands it falls into quote unquote falls into before my daughter gets it if she does so because I was focusing on all of that and how it might be received and is this one too funny is this one too ly is this too overpowering am I leaning on her you know all of that stuff because I'm so worried on how it might be received I walk out of there without a card same thing on the big scale with the whole situation of alienation when we're focused on the quote unquote problem the alienator the place where this all originated which by the way is debatable because I could argue that point a million times over with you that it didn't start with the alien eater but if I'm focusing on them and waiting for

them to change and for them to not be the problem then what the [ __ ] do I do in the meantime until they change I'm stuck thinking about how life isn't fair and I got a shitty deal in this whole parenting situation and that my daughter is being abused and she's you know got to got her whole life ahead of her and now she's not going to be she's not going to be emotionally as equipped as I would of course choose her to be but again saying that is presenting another problem that may or may not be who knows how she's supposed to be emotionally equipped maybe the situation of alienation is actually equipping her in the way that she needs in order to grow I cannot actually dictate that do you

know what I'm saying the problem is all in the way that we're thinking about it it's not whatever thing is happening outside even if it is something as horrible as alienation or rape or murder or whatever people are going to people and people are going to be there is evil in this world and [ __ ] does go wrong things happen it's not how we would have chosen even in cases like this and I know you guys like I know if this is one of your if this is the first time you've ever heard me please please please know that I am not uh gaslighting or saying that there is no problem an alienation blah blah blah but I want to equip you guys help you to equip yourselves in the

most effective way so that you can move from where you're at right now to a more evolved place a more Ive place and the way that you do that is by shifting your focus to what you can control right and if you're pointing your finger saying they're the ones they're the ones that's all started because of them and I can't move because they're doing everything and now I just have to I'm the one playing damage control or whatever you're saying when you're presenting that as the problem or my daughter's mental health for me like if I'm saying oh well she's not going to be as emotionally equipped how do I know who am I to say what is supposed to happen for her who are you to say and when we

do focus on that problem guess what doesn't get done you know the things that we can actually apply ourselves to the ways that we can change our life today and uh affect our future and maybe who knows our children's future as well you know so the problem isn't the things that are outside of us it's the way that we're seeing them Dan Sullivan also says um a problem isn't a problem until you declare it one now it's not that's not as exact words but that's the gist of it nothing is a problem until you declare it one and when you declare it one not only are you now going to hyperfocus because that's what our human body nervous system does right is hyperfocus

on it for me my body says oh Shelby says something's wrong there's a problem we're gonna only focus on that and brep the [ __ ] out there and so the body gets activated and crazy and not working on all four cylinders if you will we're not thinking um with and having perspective you guys my I thought that it was Zoom that was doing it talk about having another problem in my brain right now is that I thought that it was zoom's fault but come to find out it is Mac I thought it was a zoom update every time I do certain gestures it notices or it recognizes and it has me doing thumbs up when I'm not doing thumbs up or it just now did um all of these Hearts like tons

of Hearts because I guess I had my hands closed anyway doesn't matter so I just went to a little bit of a fit on my computer right now because I'd already turned that off and I had to like stop the meeting and anyway long story short is there's another example for me of it's only a problem if I Mak it one it's only a problem when I point the finger outwards and I don't have control over it and it's not fair that my Mac isn't listening to me when I turn off the reactions when I make it about something else and I'm blaming Mac in this case then I have no control over it and I can Elevate Elevate elevate my anger and frustration towards it and it puts me in a bad mood ultimately drains me and I

don't get anything accomplished just now I had to like take control do a little mind management little emotion management and I stopped recording right now and restarted my zoom so there was no problem other than the one that I was creating when really honestly all I had to do there was an easy solution it was just me going and restarting Zoom which makes sense why programs would still not be like um updated if I hadn't shut everything down and turned it back up on you know what I'm saying makes sense so anyway hopefully now and forever the reactions predictive reactions or whatever was going on will stop any anyway um so where was I problem isn't a problem until we declare it one yeah that

so I think we get a benefit there is a benefit that we receive by finding problems elsewhere outside of us and that is we get to relinquish any sort of responsibility and although that doesn't actually work for us at all in the long-term sense it doesn't get us where we want to go in the short term it provides your survival brain with some downtime some comfortability which most of us if we're dealing with alienation have become so familiar with being in that state in that using that part of the brain the survival brain right just motoring along barely like an idol it's very familiar it feels like the safe option so so it makes sense if you have been prone to

placing blame elsewhere or looking at life as if you've got the raw deal if it's unfair again I'm not saying that alienation isn't like an awful situation that we're going through you yall know by now my thoughts on that you know that um of course I would never would have chosen this if I could I would change the other parent or whoever's alen your kids from you I would change their actions in a [ __ ] heartbeat yesterday last year you know what I'm saying and but here we are you know every so often something like the other day at the card store will kind of slide in and show me that oh right now you still you're still a human being and you still of course feel affected by a situation where

people are not acting nicely you know people are acting it's it's I I don't even want to put a label on it because I don't think that's going to do you guys a service but yeah I get it like I used to be of this mindset that well if alienation is not the problem if we don't make it the problem and if that is not our message to the world then the problem will never change right then they'll the alienator will be able to keep getting away with all of this they will keep taking advantage and then this will grow and grow and grow if we're just denying that the problem exists that is not what I'm talking about and I hope that you guys understand that in fact I think that by noticing where you

find the problems in your head and not focusing on waiting on them to change which they never will not because you want them to that's for sure it it's a fruitless Venture you know what I'm saying Endeavor focusing on what they're doing wrong is only going to have you walk away empty-handed frustrated exhausted uh and maybe further in debt maybe you lose a job because of your focus on the problem maybe you lose relationships you know how it goes right you're focusing only on that that has now defined you and your whole entire life and that's what got us here to begin with right is we didn't have necessarily the boundaries I mean I'm generalizing here but I believe when we

chose the person that would alienate our children from us let me just speak for myself so I'm not pointing any fingers towards you guys but when I chose the the person who would alienate my kid from me I obviously did was not displaying boundaries I did not know I didn't know what a boundary was I didn't know how to execute like how to say a boundary I sort of floated through life and then what love was was when the other person liked you as much as you liked them you guys sort of meshed into each other and then you guys became one like how you hear about it in the story books and soap opers and whatever you guys become one and then y'all just partner for life and there are no

boundaries because you guys love each other and will take care of each other and you're just am mea into each other you know what I'm saying I had no boundaries and so I didn't know where my self ended and he began and vice versa there was definitely no emotional adulthood emotional intelligence going into that relationship and also in leaving relationship but that is truly why I believe that alienation was able to ensue right that he was able to exercise the strategies that he did and also of course his then now my daughter stepmom when they joined together they also have no boundaries but on the other side of things right and so when it all started back then and

even before when I was with him it was him and I he sort of defined me right the relationship defined me then my daughter when I had my daughter she defined who I was right then I was a mom and then leaving the relationship and being with my daughter I was a mom and I was a mom who was being harassed being sort of attacked by these two people and so that made up my identity and then because I was focusing on then that actually overtook the the peaceful part of me being a mom and instead I was a tormented Mom it's reminding me of that quote that um and I don't know who said this one it wasn't Dan Sullivan but that quote about ships don't sink because of the water around them they sink because

of the water that gets in them we can have craziness go on all around us and let's say me you you you are your ship I am my ship there can be craziness going out on all around us and waves and tidal waves and what have you right but a ship will not sink unless those waves come inside the boat and for you and I the only way that water comes inside of the boat is if we aren't setting the proper boundaries right if we are allowing the outside to Define who we are today if we're allow allowing alienation to be writing our story for us for if we are allowing for like me the other day for what I think that my daughter might receive any one of these cards as to Define which one I choose from her

number one and how close or distant our relationship is if I'm relying on somebody outside of me to dictate how I think about how I choose to love somebody you know what I'm saying like a that is actually what's affecting me then I have no autonomy they are the ones dictating they are the ones defining my relationship to them and that can never be it can't work out well anyway then you will feel at the effect of the alienation of your child of whoever you are allowing onto your ship so it's not that your ship or any boundary that you set is keeping you apart from anybody actually the opposite right your ship is your ship it is your brain it is your heart your nervous

system that is responding reacting and all of these situations don't let how you think somebody else is behaving or receiving you dictate how you show up in the world do you know what I'm saying and the last concept I will bring up that actually is also Dan Sullivan is you were the context not the content so you are the one who decides the content is the ocean the people or the things that happen around you that is your content the circumstances outside of you the alienation content it does not define you you give that content context you decide how you want to see it moving forward and if you want to see it as a problem or the best thing that happened to

you maybe possibly it could be the best thing that ever happened to you like I was sharing was it in last week's episode or was that maybe in Facebook live about my friend that was like oh your daughter saved you blah blah blah right I think it was in the episodes you're stronger and this that whatever it is true I chose that I am going to use this to strengthen me I am going to use this to grow myself I could have had it like I did for so long keep me held down nobody's writing you you are the author you decide you give all of that content all of the circumstances outside of you you give that context you designate and decide for yourself how you want to use it in your life it's

props look at alienation look at that your your children all of that and I don't mean to uh trivialize your children but you get it how you want to receive them how you want to use them and how you not again not you know what I'm saying is up to you do you want to use them to push you forward or do you want to use them to keep you down the last quote that I will say by him too is I think this was from Gap versus gain and it is the past and how we view it is more a reflection of where we are currently than it is a reflection on the past itself your take on what has happened in today is indicative of where you are today right as opposed to anything that might have happened in the

past how you perceive it today is very telling as to who you've become as a result of it right so if you tell your story in a way that keeps you down and oh because of my past you know I was beaten I was robbed I was raped I was pillaged all of the things fact I don't mean to laugh at that but if I tell a story of victimization and how all of the my past has made me the weak and um disadvantaged person I am today then that is clearly showing who I am and how I'm using my path to Define me today or if I say all of those things that happened to me in the past and I see those things as what pushed me forward and made me the woman that I am today same exact past but I use those things

to lift me up clearly this shows an entirely different take an entirely different version of me the way that you view your past says everything about who you are today and not really anything about your past because our past is just what we make of it it's all just memories anyway so Dan it shows here that Dan Sullivan actually um was quoting Dr Ben s sth um in the book time and psychological explanation we reinterpret or reconstruct our memory in light of what our mental set is in the present in this sense it is more accurate to say that the present causes meaning of the past than it is to say that the past causes meaning of the present our memories are not stored in

objective entities but living parts of ourselves in the present this is the reason that our present moods and future goals so affect our memories so it it really all depends on your state of mind and how you're viewing what has happened in you past so what problems are you seeing in your life today that you are pointing the finger and like delegating I can't change until they do what problems are you creating in your head if you're not seeing it as a problem then what would you do with it you see what I'm saying like maybe none of the things that we think are problems are actually problems but just life and they're just circumstances neutrals that are happening and we could use them as

make them problems or we could make them what serves us most and brings us to our highest state oh this happened for me because now I've done this this and this this is what got me my promotion now I'm blah blah blah because I am finding all the the advantages and all of the opportunity in whatever is happening outside of us right outside of me so I know that seems a little woo and a little wordy and a little vague all at the same time but I also think that if you're getting the concept than you can apply it to anywhere in your life and again I will reiterate please know that when I say this I am not saying that the alienating party or alienation as a whole is something that we should just

like come to terms with or just allow in our lives and just lay down for in fact what I'm saying is the opposite is that when you're not putting the problem outside then you're able to find more solutions for yourself and then now because then not only is your nervous system not as activated but so then you don't hyperfocus on something that you can't control anyway so then you don't you completely blind yourself to all of the solutions you could be implementing do you know what I'm saying we you know you're problem focused and not solution focused so if we decide to let go of the problems that we're making in our head and see how we can use it all for us then we can advocate in our highest

state for ourselves and for for our children so that we can reconnect with them if that's what you want so that we can model for them in the best way you will be much better uh able to serve yourself and them by letting go of any problem that you think you're seeing right now um so that you can live in the solution okay the only problems that exist are the ones that we create in our minds otherwise they're just water outside of our ship just things that are happening and then we can decide the best most effective efficient way possible to move forward from here okay takes you out of this whole stress response foggy brains life is over I can't pay my rent you know that and get

you into a higher place of thinking you are the context you provide context to everything that is happening outside of you you define it for yourself you define what your relationship is with your child even if you can't obviously you can't control how other people are behaving but your relationship with your child exists in your brain anyway it's how you think about what who they are what's happening blah blah blah blah blah blah and if you're not seeing everything as a problem but you're seeing it is working towards for you there is no barrier there's just maybe a different time for you guys right and until that time comes you work on you and do all the things necessary and also

when you don't see um a problem right in front of you like this big like oh my God everything has gone terribly wrong sort of thing you're able to relax a little bit and reconnect with the you that is inside the real you that will ultimately bring you to your highest self when we're listening to the outside to the external being defined by external things circumstances people then we do we we we dissociate from ourselves dissociate a little bit more a little bit more a little bit more until we cannot hear our own voice and so by turning the focus back in and looking to see how it is that all of this could have actually been here like uh setting you up for you to then Spike over the

net okay that's what I have for you guys today