Are You Playing The Long Game? Auditing Influence As An Alienated Parent

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 84 stay tuned hey y'all just making sure I have my microphone on and connected last week we didn't you notice the sound was a little off so um but it is it's connected this time we are in Mother's Day week as y'all are probably painfully aware father's day is coming around the corner this is a funky time of year I mean I guess that's just a story because any time of year we'll find something to remind us of what was what could have been what isn't what have you really actually for me it starts around Easter because I'll go to the stores and we'll see flowery dresses like little girls

dresses and stuff it always reminds me of when cuz when my daughter was like 3 four five six you know those Princess years she would love I would always each year get her 10 or 15 like nice Easter dresses you know with the big flowers and the poofy bell bottom like bell shaped dress that she could twirl twirling dresses you know she would wear them all year long and she loved them until she was probably almost seven and so so this time of year and I see those dresses and I see the little girls in the you know then of course Mother's Day happens my birthday is in May and then right after to follow my daughters is June 1st and so for y'all we've got Mother's Day maybe some birthdays in

there and then Father's Day for my dad's out there too so it's just this time of year when also we go to the stores we see like the beach balls out you know the the holiday summer schools out sort of merchandise and so for me it reminds me of going on vacation and then it can be challenging sometimes it can be like a reality check just like B bopping through the store and all of a sudden you see something and you're like oh and you know you feel let down sometimes back in the day I would go into a whole slew of stories about what that meant like not only my emotions around it just depending on the day right not only like how I'm always defeated I'm always like feeling like I

don't want to go there again and that whole story about what I'm feeling inside and then also the story obviously about how we got here what's happening to her what's happening to all of the things right I know you guys share this with me to some extent or another you know um so I just want to one say happy Mom's Day to all of my fellow moms out there who might not be spending their time with their kiddos this this year I know how hard it is I know how hard it can be you feel brokenhearted and sad and you miss them and I get it I miss mine too and I think that there's nothing wrong with that with being in that space it's okay okay that you're sad it's okay that you are feeling any emotion

associated with grief or any emotion at all but I just want to let you know and recognize you guys out there I know that it feels lonely sometimes and you're not alone and to my moms that might see their kids this weekend for Mom's Day or like the day before days after whatever it is also my heart goes out to you because knowing the situation if you're listening to these episodes to this podast clearly some stuff is going on and you're in the middle of the quote unquote fight or you um don't love how they act when they do come maybe you're splitting your time up with step kids and your alienated child maybe you had other kids like a set and another other kids that are yours with a different

parent right and so you have them maybe full-time or whatever is going on there and then you also have your alienated child who you share the time with and that's awkward because you feel like you're trying to get a balance and show equal love to all and all the things I get it so I just want to let you know I'm thinking about you and you are not alone so that's that dad's yours was coming around the corner too but I think I'm hoping that this episode today will help a little bit like as with all the episodes I sure do hope all right so I've had big plans for this episode today and I don't have the title down just yet I have Concepts constructs up in my brain I want to talk with you

about the people and things that you are exposing yourself to on the everyday basis and what influence they have on you on the ways that you believe and show up in your life and then also your ideas about what should and shouldn't happen in your life especially as it relates to your children and then finally I want to get to the difference between fighting against something and fighting for it okay so there's a lot to cover we are going to see right now we're going to test how succinctly I can get this all out because I was so passionate about this topic while I was driving yesterday and drinking this delicious water that I posted in not the private group this water is amazing pH

water but anyway I was in the car something my coach said to me and this actually is a quote from my mentor her coach she said if you want to change your life change who you're comparing yourself to and that's so true think about it who is influencing you and who are you comparing yourself to in order to determine whether you are on the quote unquote right track or not so the Oxford dictionary defin influence as the capacity to have an effect on the character or behavior of someone or something so basically it's the capacity to have an effect on you in this case okay so in any way the way that you think the way that you move through your world anything that influences that

which I'm going to tell you right now if you are thinking about your ex on The Daily or frequently then we're we're going to have to say that they have an influence on you your children have an influence on you and how you think and how you show up maybe your next door neighbor mine is not a lovely one and I've always lived in lovely neighborhoods with lovely neighbors and we've all gotten along like family and the neighbors I have here the least to one side of me are not so lovely so that can have an influence on me and for a good period of time like it really affected my daily life and so little things like that that we don't even consider the TV shows you watch in the

background that you're not really even paying attention to your social media we underestimate the power of that which those which we surround ourselves with so I'm going to switch GE for a second I was talking with one of my brand new clients a couple days ago it was our first session and we were talking about worse the inevitable thought idea that this shouldn't be happening this shouldn't be happening it's not fair it's not fair to my child this they shouldn't have this experience of their childhood this is what he kept coming back to each time that he is showing up to pick up his kiddos these are the thoughts that he comes back to when things don't work out as all of us I get

it you know this is so common for us and that's why I'm sharing it with you these thoughts though are also causing him a lot of pain again emotions are nothing to solve for but if it's unnecessary you know that's what my job is is to help you figure that out and so I asked him basically who says it's not supposed to happen who says that this isn't exactly how it's supposed to be I know this is going to piss some of you guys out there off because thinking about it this way is scary if for you you like it used to be for me means that what the alienator has done is okay and those these are two separate things don't conflate them the person who's Ali your kids from you doing what they're

doing we already know is if you ask me it's wrong they are not behaving the way that a loving parent functional emotional adult should if it is my opinion I'm sure a lot of you share that as well but you fighting with reality it's a losing battle every time as Byron Katie says how do we know something should have happened because it did it already happened so it should have happened it kind of reminds me of like let's say you're playing a friendly game of softball somebody hits the ball over the fence and whoever's playing Outfield just watches the ball go over their head and watches the ball like bounce off the fence and go into the the other side and the outfielder just sits there and is

staring at the ball and complaining about the ball and yelling at the UMP or yelling at whoever and like look he hit it out of bounds and how la la la la la and meanwhile the batter is rounding the bases and about to slide into home and this guy is still over complaining about how the ball is over the fence instead of just jumping over the fence and grabbing the ball and throwing it back my point is is that you can either sit and argue with what has happened or you can figure out how to get over the fence get it and get back in the game you know what I'm saying and so when we argue with what is what should have happened what shouldn't happen what our children's experience should be what it

shouldn't be then we lose out on this precious time and energy that we have in order to create something new in order to strategize with somebody in order to mend ourselves so we can go back in and start playing again um I think the problem is this is that this goes for all of us um but I think that as we grow up we I'm going to say this just stay with me during this because I do oftentimes skirt around what I really want to say and I I coming more and more to the conclusion that I need to stop worrying so much and just say it like it is if you don't like it I'm sorry but know that I always really really really mean well and I hope that by the end of this

episode you'll get it but I think what happens is we feel entitled we feel entitled to a life based on the way that we compare ourselves out to those around us to the beliefs that we passively took on as our own from the time that we were young on so we are products of each of of our environments I was thinking about it the other day you know some people are brought up in environments where this happens a lot in like the UK I think and also probably some other areas of Europe and even in the US in fact I really um wanted to do this growing up but kids will if you come from an affluent family you go away to boarding school from the time sometimes that you are school age from elementary school

and if it's not elementary school then it's Middle School you're off you get shipped off and you come home for Summers and maybe holidays and that's just the way it is and some people believe that that is the right way to raise their children and fact if doing anything less than that and having their children home for schooling would be a disservice to them that not seeing them and having them be raised by the school is the right upbringing the right education so those kids that go away to school and don't see their parents at all all turn out pretty well I would say I mean for the most part if we're going to go ratios I don't know but the parents are not suffering as a result in fact it was

their choice to send his kids off to school right so I think it really just depends on what beliefs you're holding on tightly to right so we feel entitled to raise them in the way that we want and then then that doesn't happen for us because the alienator has come in and stepped in the middle of that plan and we're still fighting to have that plan but the way that we're fighting isn't working for most of us okay the fur here and you're do not with your kid then that way is not effective so my proposal here is because listen in the end I want all of us to be reunited with our children that is what I want like it would be first off terrible business for me to

not want that for you but truly in my heart like that's what I want I want to help you guys to heal yourselves and change inside in order to adapt to what currently is so that you can effectively go out there advocate for fight for your cause and your situation in the most effective efficient [ __ ] Kick-Ass way that's what I want for you guys that is my goal is to help you guys get to the point where you are over the river through the woods and past sitting back in the past and focusing on [ __ ] that does not [ __ ] help you so basically we get attached to this idealized version of what should and shouldn't be and that version is [ __ ] you what should have happened here what should

happen for Mother's Day what should happen for Father's Day what is it happening they suck the labeling the name calling whatever we get so invested in these stories and what our children are experiencing or not experiencing and if you don't know firsthand then I just say that it's my offer to you my loving suggestion would be to question first off the validity of it do know that that story is true is it helpful for you to consider The Narrative or the experiences of your kid if they're more embellishments or supposing what might be how they might be suffering how is that helping you and this is what I always talk about too is like it can be true but if it's not helping you if it's

not pushing you forward then why think it if you're entertaining stories about how your kid is suffering and this is wrong and this is unjust and this is blah blah blah blah blah and you're paying attention to the social media posts that are this is wrong this is unjust the alienator is this blah blah name calling guess what you're going to create in your life how do you feel when you read posts like that when you think stories and suppose what is happening elsewhere in the alienator house when you suppose the torture that your kid is is enduring taking a victim of you know so we get we are attached and feel entitled to this life that story that we made up this idealized version of what

shouldn't shouldn't be and it's really not helpful because how do you know how do you know what is to come how do you know that this isn't exactly what was supposed to happen because on this path maybe you are able to I was just talking about this with another client yesterday you are able to reclaim your life and the agency you have over your life your individual uality so that you can go on and develop the most amazing uh intimate closeness connection ever with your children somewhere in the future how do you know maybe this is happening exactly how it's supposed to because from this blossoms something amazing in your children's lives I know I know I know it's hard to think because our egos

don't like to consider how something like alienation somebody doing something so horrible as to abuse our children and abuse us and take our rights away how can this be seen as good how can we just accept it and lie down for it and like oh okay I guess everything's fine we could just agree with all of this it's not that simple you don't have to agree with it to the alienator oh I love that you've done this I think it's fantastic now I mean you could it's an option but but that doesn't have to be how you do it you don't have to be grateful that this happened but I would urge you to look at this belief that it shouldn't have happened because clearly it did

happen it's happening right how can you use it for you I'm all for parental rights I think that you guys know this by now but when we're stuck in that I've been slighted shorted the results you get from that are I mean I would argue never good rarely good I would say and still even if you get a win out of that coming at anything with the scarcity mindset or I've been slided mindset there's no sense of empowerment you're in that victim victim mindset and that's not a fun place to be okay so moving along the easiest way to tell what is influencing your everyday life is to do a very simple audit go to Instagram go to Tik Tok Facebook even whatever it is that you scroll through

the most I would do it to all three if you use all three but look and see what your feed is what pops up what is your algorithm showing you on the regular everyday basis are you seeing the angry complaining posts how do you feel when you go to each one of those social media platforms how do you end up when you finally turn your phone off how are you feeling inside are you feeling drained exhausted notice it each time you go notice what if you're scrolling through like you just go to the main reals thing and it's not your feed like your page it's the for you page you know whatever what's coming up for you and what is your knee-jerk first instant reaction to

do when you interact with with the the posts that are being shown that will show you exactly what is creating your result in your life I mean obviously also it's going to be the the people that you hang out with right looking at who are you on the phone with on a regular basis who do you text on a regular basis who do you email for work you know some of these people it's more of a proximity thing and it's not necessarily by choice that you're hanging out with the person in the cubicle next to you or whatever it is that you do you know there are some people that it is a more of an involuntary relationship and but you can always be very intentional about how

much time you spend with these people and in what way you spend your time with these people um I don't you know that I'm not a firm believer in having to eliminate or avoid things in order for you to feel any way you can you can determine how you see the outside world in order to make it work for you and push you forward but I also truly believe that those that you're allowing to sort of infiltrate and like permeate your mind their ideas their ways their senses of humor all that sort of stuff it's an exchange of energy everything that we interact with on a daily basis I mean is is energy and so if you want to raise your frequency then raise the frequency of the people

outside of you that are influencing you on the daily basis also the people that you think about on the regular basis the topics that you think about on a regular basis if you're thinking about your ex a lot or all the stuff I was just talking about you know what this is going to do for you I'm not saying deny it I'm saying change the story change it to you being the active player instead of things being done at you it makes all the difference in the world even the seemingly harmless influences if you're on Instagram and you are let's say to my mom's out there following people that you know like lifestyle stuff and you don't feel great about yourself the posts are all about needing

certain products or Services procedures done on you in order for you to to measure up all of those influences are so important to look at be intentional sort of like I I'm a huge Marie condo fan at least her method if you don't know what her actual method is is she takes each room she goes room by room she wants you to take everything that you own so right now if I'm in this room on this table I would take all of this stuff I would take everything out of the pantry is is there up there everything comes out and comes goes straight into the middle of the room everything out of the cabinets everything out of anywhere that's in that in the vicinity and you put it all in the middle of a floor in a

huge P right and then from there once there's nothing in any of the cabinets on any surfaces anywhere everything's in the middle of the room item by item you pick up and you decide whether you want to keep it if it her way is if it Sparks joy in your life or it does not if what you're holding on to in your hand reminds you of a time that is not so lovely yet you still like let's say it's an article of clothing and you still wear it but you feel like you need it and you're holding on to it's just got a negative energy and those are one of the things that you put in one of two piles a giveaway pile or a trash pile so it's keep giveaway trash and everything that's in the middle of that room gets

put in one of those three piles and then those three piles are dispersed when it's done until you can move on to the next room okay I think I fully explained that now you get it right do this with all areas of your life in this case I'm talking about the influences take an audit of everybody in your life people you're not even thinking that you think about or that would be an influence people that you don't want to be an influence in your life and so you're not admitting you're in denial that they are but they are like stepparents evil stepparents right those that are alienating the kids from you I I meant the kid step parents but I also mean maybe your step parents too anybody that

influences the way that you operate even for a few moments each day now you can't always just go put these people in a pile right certain people like let's say like work people you can't just cut them out of your life the alienating parent can't just cut them out of your life albeit I'm sure you tried many times hello you divorced them or or left them you know but here we are so you can't just stick them in a pile but you can in your mind you can decide who you're going to to devote your precious energy to you can decide how you want to feel when that person is on your mind or in front of you or when you're interacting with them you can dictate your character your role in each

one of these relationships now for the things that you can control like who you're following on Instagram if what you have there is not propelling you forward not causing you to take action or feel good about your cause and about where you're going then maybe it's time to let those go to unfall even like I'm thinking about now like social media sometimes in Reddit this used to be and I'm sure it still is but especially back in the day people would just go to the comments for a lot of these posts the posts were there for shock value and then people would just go and run to the comments just for entertainment right and not even dealing with alienation you know this could be

on any topic but a lot of times we're attracted flocked to the shock value the entertainment value the oh this is just for laughs maybe you're not even participating like doing the active commenting or the active interacting it doesn't just have to be for posts but you're you're passively you're boering you may think that just because you're not chiming in that it's fine but if it's influencing the way that you think then don't underestimate things that are seemingly just innocent many times are not so look at all of that is this supporting the belief that I'm working to get into is this supporting my final goal here okay all right so that's that part now like I said I know that many of

you probably want to resist what I'm saying right now as far as feeling entitled to to a certain story and I get it I'm not telling you this because I want you to acques into your role as an alienated parent I'm not telling you this because I think it's always better to I do think love is always the answer but I don't think that we sit back and let things happen in the Name of Love I talk a lot about advocating for our children and not fighting not having a custody battle I mean this I really do and also I want you to come to get to the place this is what this podcast is for you know ultimately is so that you guys don't feel so alone and to offer you guys the same tools that I used and use

on a daily so that you can get yourself to a better place so that you can go out there and fight for yourself and for your children that's really truly the ultimate goal like I feel very passionate about this I don't want you to just like accept what you've been given I don't want you to just sit around passively and kick dirt and wait for your kids to oh well I guess they'll just come when they're ready and I'll just sit here being ignored no that is not the message that I ever want to send and I feel like I've been pussyfooting around a lot of the things I've said like I said just a little bit ago because I don't want to offend I've been doing it and I like I think it's my own

story about that um and Me Maybe underestimating your ability to see what my heart is for you my true intentions are for all of this I 1,00% believe in you fighting for what you believe is right and I also know in order to be effective at doing that you have to start from the core and that is you just like they say on a airplane in order to save your child put the life jacket on you first we're not running a Sprint this is no short race for most of us anyway if you've been carrying trauma unde with trauma this takes some time and that's what I'm here to help you guys do this is a holistic approach to your reconnection with your child now I will say I know that there's plenty of

parents out there that aren't interested in reconnecting with their children maybe your children are grown there's been in your mind too much water under the bridge and you're just you've had it okay all so fine I support you and your healing in what you want moving forward and if you're telling yourself that you're not going to fight anymore or you're just giving up because you've had it it's too much for you you can't take the abuse you can't take blah blah blah that stuff I really really want to encourage you to take another look at that because that is something that I believe later on is like a regret worthy standpoint I feel so strongly about this because I never want you guys to just

throw the towel in because you can't take it anymore you can take whatever you decide on taking like one thing to stand in your own power and be like yeah no I'm good like we've tried and let's just say they're adult children they are still acting like buttheads and you've decided to not pursue whatever your reasoning is so long as you feel empowered in saying it and it's not coming from a place of shame or fear I'm down I support you a th% and if you know in the back of your mind that you really want really would love nothing more than to feel love from your child and you to express love to them this is also what I want to help you with all of you that want to reunite

with your kids I want that to happen but you have to take care of yourself first you have to most of us got ourselves in this situation because we didn't take care of ourselves right we picked people that would alienate our children from us we didn't advocate for ourselves and fight for ourselves even back then so we have to relearn all of that now and learn that we can't rely on how somebody else behaves in order for us to feel empowered full and worthy and whole and loved necessary we can't rely on what our children do or don't do this goes like across the board so you learn these tools now and then play the long game at least that's what I do right I am

playing the long game with my kiddo it's not about me feeling like I need to sit at the edge of my seat rocking and waiting for my daughter to call me and I'm not so passive or discouraged as to be like oh well I don't know what to do I'm just going to wait it's not B at all I am doing all that I can I for me I spent over 200 I don't I haven't really done the full numbers between two and 250,000 on attorney's fees over a decade that I was doing it right you guys know my story there and so what makes sense to me is speaking out with you guys working on myself and modeling for her from afar until I think of something else that does not mean that I've given up hell no I haven't given up I won't

give up I've I made that deal with myself and that pack silently with her she doesn't know that but that's my promise to her my vow to her I will never give up ever I fight for her and for me every day every day day and I don't even when visits were happening when Zoom visits were happening I showed up and it didn't matter how she responded to me if she showed love back if she was rude if she wasn't it's okay because I'm playing the long game this is like okay today wasn't the day tomorrow will be the day maybe it'll be the next day maybe it'll be two years from now maybe it'll be 10 years from now that's okay because you know why I trust I fully trust and I have

confidence in the fact that I am an not only an amazing mom but I am a mom who wants my child I want what's best for her I want her in my life I want her as her best version and so whatever however long it takes however many attempts however many times she says no bue cool okay that still doesn't deter me it doesn't take me off my game I think so many of us this is what I really wanted to say and I keep saying that but so many of us are and I get it we're coming from trauma right but so easy so quick to like go kick dirt well I guess this isn't going to work uh I've been trying for two months I've been trying for a year they don't respond in the right way they are rude disrespectful they are

whatever your story is and so you want to give up or you feel so discouraged I am not shaming you or faulting you for feeling this way but I also feel so passionate that if you want something then don't let that stand in the way you you do the work on yourself to feel the confidence from within to feel assured the knowingness that you are worthy as their parents you always will be their parents they don't need to do anything different act more loving less whatever doesn't matter in order for you to know that you are and know your place in their life however that manifests in the meantime do you know what I'm saying like don't let anything anybody tell you who you

are to your child or this goes for anything in your life if you really want let's say you're in a marriage and your partner wants to to leave if you don't want them to leave then you fight for them put your ego aside oh they don't want me I don't want them too that attitude is so childish I say that with all the love I have in my heart but it is it's so [ __ ] childish if you want something you fight for it not it should be this way they shouldn't want to leave me they shouldn't this they all of those rules are hurting you and it's only made up in your mind anyway your relationship with your child transcends all of this [ __ ] that is happening right now at

the alienation whether you are sharing experiences with them or not will not matter in your eternity with them do you know what I'm saying like it brings me to tears that say to articulate this but it's so true like this is a drop compared to your unending forever relationship with them so why allow just a this little snippet of time why allow a a denial of your parenting time or a snide comment or the your ex for God's sakes who you don't respect anyway and I know I did it too I do I get you but like that means nothing in the big scheme of things you know so just because they're not giving you this they should be better they should act better blah blah blah so [ __ ] wet what do you want for

the Long Haul like what is the goal if it's to reunify with them if it's for you guys to be one then you be one with them now don't make it conditional on whether they are acting that the way that you want them to act do you know what I'm saying you be the biggest advocate for them and for y'all and for all of it now model for them what unconditional love truly is it your love for them your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for them doesn't have to just be about today you can play the long game and if patience is what you're learning Jump On In you're in the same boat as me that's okay but don't let anybody else tell you who you are in relation to your child

don't let anybody else tell you know about something that you want now you may try your damnest like if we're talking about something else you know a job a relationship or something else if you want it you need to go after it put the ego aside and say doesn't matter how it should or shouldn't be I want this how am I going to get it what do I have to do to get there that should be the question what do I need to do to get there drop the ego drop the story about how it should be given to you we look at and compare ourselves to other people around us and if those comparisons aren't uh congruent they're not they don't work for us then you need to start surrounding eles with other influences that

are let those people permeate your mindset exchange energy with people that you want to be like or that you're growing towards do you know what I'm saying it makes all the difference in the world what's that saying like a chain is only as strong as its weakest link something like that I don't know if I love that saying but I do like the saying be the rising tide that raises All Ships I think maybe that's it I like that thing a lot so check who you are allowing to influence you on the daily all of the different ways toss it all into a pile and then one by one decide on purpose and designate your social media feed all of that start fresh start new if you don't want to create new

accounts you don't have to just unfollow and stop clicking on the clickbait for you intentionally start picking out the people that you do want to follow luckily for social media when you follow most most algorithms in this way when you follow somebody new you normally start seeing all of their stuff the most so that's always good you know what I'm saying they'll show you old videos of that of those people at least that's how Tik Tok is but um and Instagram I think too to some extent so that's really what I wanted to share with you guys today is yeah I truly believe in fighting for actively fighting for your cause for yourself and for your child absolutely and in order to do that the most

effectively you've got to start from within and I know you know that but sitting around being discouraged feeling violated discarded all of that these are valid emotions but we don't need to spend time feeding them in instead these are remember these are just like little drops of nothing in a huge picture of it all and those emotions aren't going to help you to get you where you want to go those emotions are you holding on to an old story an idealized version of what you think should have happened and what you think should be happening don't let that get in the way of your dreams because then you will be the one that stopped you from getting you where you want to go not them

okay so on that note the reason really like this all came up too because I was thinking about Mother's Day and how everybody has a story about what should be owed to them I saw a Facebook post that was talking about you know basically Mother's Day was on the on Dad's year this year and Father's Day they were split and everybody's like it shouldn't be that way it should be stipulated in the decree and all the things and I was like you know here's the thing is that the problem is always going to come down to is that you're always going to be unhappy or like feeling like at the mercy of this decree because what happens if y'all you know how the alienating party is they're

never going to agree they're only going to agree to something if they're the ones that get the majority of the benefit out of it right that's just who they are so why are we going to fight it and make ourselves miserable for it instead we have this story about some trivial holiday that was made by Hallmark or whoever right that is just a regular [ __ ] Sunday you know what I'm saying and all of this [ __ ] uproar right about who gets what and they're taking my day and blah blah blah who cares that's what I say to that and I don't mean to offend anybody but like seriously who the [ __ ] cares in the end who are you in relation to your child you're you you are your child's Eternal

parent you know know how can you if if Mother's or Father's Day or whatever holiday birthday whatever is so important to you then how can you support you on that day how can you let go of the the the the constraints that you are putting on You by placing the importance on that day hope that made sense you know what I'm saying how can you support you moving forward and developing a more workable story around these holidays without surrendering to without cowering down this isn't about fighting against them it's fighting for what matters okay all right you guys listen moms you know I love you I did not make I'm not planning to make another mom's day um I don't think I am I I do urge

you if you haven't already go back to the Mom's Day special special edition that I gave you guys that I made for you guys last year I think you can't listen to something like that enough in my opinion you know um it's always nice to have those encouraging words in your ear hole in fact I sleep I used to sleep with like my own words in my ear like basically affirmations but ones that were encouraging one words that I already believed just to solidify them in sometimes side note and then got to go but first off I always think of Saturday Night Live daily affirmations with Stuart SMY but I I do believe that affirmations can actually work against you if you're telling yourself stuff

that you don't already believe or are on your way to believing so if you're telling yourself that for instance that you are like maybe you've just started running for a hobby and you're you're wanting to do like a 10K but if you're telling yourself every day that you're an Olympian and you don't believe it like every part of you is like sure I'm an Olympian then it's not going to work in fact what it's going to do is only build up more resistance to this new undertaking of being a runner but if you instead change that affirmation to something that sounds doable for you like I am becoming an Adept Runner I am something that's really believable and a little bit boring I have the the mental

stamina and motivation to be an amazing Runner you you know something like that that'll work amazing for you but don't just jump to something that you're just not ready to believe cuz those that will turn around on you and work against you okay listen you guys I was about to say Merry Christmas Happy Mother's Day okay and um join the private Facebook group I'm doing of course this Friday live event where I will be expanding on this and going for further into yeah stuff Mother's Day and mindset shifts and stuff like that noon on Friday noon eastern time okay private Facebook group the link is below okay bye