Self-love is an essential skill that often goes unappreciated and unlearned. It's about being your own cheerleader, especially in those unavoidable life moments where disappointment strikes. For alienated parents navigating through life’s challenges, becoming your own best friend is an invaluable gift. Below, I’ve outlined 11 essential skills to help you nurture that all-important internal companionship. ###

Understanding Holiday Season Pressure

The holiday season is often a poignant reminder of moments not celebrated with loved ones. The seasonal changes and family milestones can be especially emotionally charged for parents who experience alienation. During these times, having a mental toolkit of self-love skills can make all the difference. 

Embracing the Best Friend Within

1. Listen to Your Inner Self

Becoming your own best friend begins with listening. Truly hearing what your inner self communicates can provide clarity. This involves high-quality self-reflection and asking yourself the types of questions that lead to personal growth.

2. Cultivate Encouragement

Encourage yourself as fiercely as you would a dear friend. Remember, it's okay to celebrate your wins no matter how small they seem. Encouragement cultivates belief and pushes boundaries of what you think is possible.

3. Acceptance Instead of Comparisons

Your journey is uniquely yours. Avoid the trap of comparisons as they only detract from your personal accomplishments and happiness. Embrace your life's narrative without juxtaposition to others.

4. Honesty Is Key

Real friends tell each other the truth, even when it is uncomfortable. Apply that level of honesty to yourself. Confront personal challenges head-on and avoid the pitfalls of denial.

5. Set Realistic Expectations

Set attainable goals for yourself but do so with kindness. Understand that failure is a part of growth and a valuable teacher along your path.

6. Value Your Company

Have fun with yourself and enjoy your company, even alone. Develop interests and hobbies that you can enjoy solo, cultivating a deep familiarity with your own interests and enthusiasms. ### Building a Protective Shell

7. Establish Strong Boundaries

Boundaries are fundamental. They safeguard your energy, time, and emotions from being depleted by others who may not have your best interest at heart. They allow you to maintain focus on your goals.

8. Ensure Non-Judgmental Thinking

Avoid self-judgment when you falter. Embrace mistakes as part of the learning curve. Acknowledge them, learn from them, and move forward.

9. Forge Your Own Path

Your life is yours to chart, free from needing others' approval or opinions. This fosters genuine self-love and respect.

10. Loyalty and Trustworthiness

Trust yourself to make decisions and stand by them. Be faithful and supportive to your own goals. Your journey honors growth and transformation.

11. Preserve Compassionate Boundaries

Especially as an alienated parent, you must operate with compassion towards yourself. Understanding and respecting your emotional and mental space are crucial. 

Navigating the complexities of life as an alienated parent requires immense resilience. By fostering a relationship of self-love, we can find the strength to continue moving forward. As you embrace this journey, remember that you're equipped with unique strengths and attributes that make every step of progress meaningful. Reiterating over time the love, encouragement, and respect you so freely give to others to yourself is the greatest act of love, leading to true fulfillment and joy. Make sure to return to these essential skills whenever you need a reminder of how valuable and deserving you are of your own love and friendship. Use them as tools for growth, shielding you through life’s inevitable ebbs and flows. For those interested in learning more about these concepts, I offer tailored coaching sessions and holiday deals that can provide additional support on your journey towards self-love. Remember, it's never too late to become your own best friend.

Episode Transcript

You are listening to the beyond the high road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 113. Stay tuned. Hey guys, real quick. I just want to make announcements. Friday, Facebook live. And then thank you. Somebody wrote a review on Apple though. I don't know if they wrote a review.

There's says 39 reviews instead of 38. So somebody rated maybe, or maybe it's just Apple hasn't pushed it through. So thank you to whoever you are. And then also holiday deals. Right now I've got, if you've ever been wanting to see the little critter in my arms, she's, a handful. if you've been wanting to see what coaching can do for you, I have some great specials going on right now.

One of them is a three pack once a year, every year I do a little stocking stuff or a three pack. If you were ever wondering if this is something that's even for you You can try it out. You can test drive and see if it's something that might work for you in the end. What you get though is there are three sessions. And then, um, I will help you to determine your main pain points, and then I will, create a custom, 30 day program, , daily worksheets for you to complete on your own in order for you to, overcome whatever challenges you might be having.

In order to move past this hump and into the next version of you. So you get a daily custom workbook, um, along with those three sessions. So it's basically like a mini course, um, which is a really good deal you guys. So that you're implementing specific exercises that, relate to your situation and experiences and actual.

thought patterns. So it can be really beneficial. people love that little three pack. Cause it's a great little gift too, so there's that, and there's also another, uh, special in there. That's a kind of a hybrid of the three and the six month course, which is also amazing because it's some strategy sessions too. 

 

Okay, so today we're going to be talking about being, and becoming your own best friend I thought this was a good time to release this kind of episode because going through the holiday season, which, by the way, holiday season for us, For parents like us is not just in the December, you know, November, December, January months.

We have, um, as I'm sure you guys are painfully aware, lots of little hotspots sort of sprinkled throughout the year kids birthdays, your birthday milestones or seasons for me, a lot of times in the fall when the lighting sort of changes because the time changes, um, brings up a whole nother pack of memories and emotions for me, , when school gets out in the spring, also when school goes back in before that, the whole lighting. Situation and the seasons change. , there's so many moments throughout year that are potential. I'm using this word lightly triggers that present themselves to us.

those are the times, especially that we could all use A best friend in our back pocket,, I think it's such a valuable. set of skills, to have basically loving yourself that this, episode is really about, becoming your biggest fan and loving yourself fiercely like a best friend or Someone who loves you unconditionally, so that when the disappointments do come, they're not nearly as impactful in a negative way, because we already know that no matter what happens, no matter what happens. Somebody leaves us, somebody doesn't speak to us that we get fired from a job or whatever happens that you still have you.

And that's what's most important. So long as you like you, if you don't like you, if you're not enjoying you, if you speak to yourself in a shitty way. This is of course not going to be, it's going to be a really shitty consolation prize. Oh, we still have you. But when you really do like yourself, it's the, it's the best news ever. I speak from experience with this because for so long I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know what that meant like to have a relationship with yourself. What do you mean have a relationship with yourself? What does that even, how do you do that? And that's because most of us weren't taught that. I sure as heck wasn't,

so I'm gonna go into my top, it's 10 or 11 things that I have, I actually didn't put numbers on them. , qualities that I think a best friend, my ideal best friend would possess, right?

In the way that they would treat me. And then I'm going to explain how you can do that for your own self, being your own best friend. Okay? So number one, I have my best friend is a good listener. They want to find out more about who I am and what I want. They want to know. they're invested.

They really truly delight. And hearing about what's new with me, being a good listener ,

also means asking yourself really good high quality questions that lead to high quality actions, that produce the results that you want. I think coming to The conversation table with yourself, with a sense of curiosity, and wonderment about learning the ins and outs of you and , what makes you tick and why it is that you want what you want, why you behave the way that you have, why you, um, like having compassion for your past choices,

learning from those past choices so that you can make new choices and becoming aware. Listening to yourself about what those, the new patterns or pathways will be is like the single most important thing that you can do, to build a relationship with yourself, like, Oh, that's so interesting about me. That makes sense why I made those mistakes when you decide that you want to learn about who you are, instead of the harsh judgments you're going to create better results.

number two is encouragement and believing in yourself. And this is a friend would your best friend or somebody that, loves you unconditionally

they believe in you and they know that you can do the thing, whatever the thing is that you have set out in front of you. They know that you can because they trust and know in you all of your abilities. They see all of the good in you. They see the negative too, that we all have, but they know that you can overcome it.

 

So when I was a kid, anytime that I wanted to set out to do something, um, or, , had accomplished something, In my household, it wasn't encouraged to tell my parents about it. There was this uncomfortability in bringing up something that I had accomplished or done, or was going to do, wanted to do, there was more of a feeling of like from my mom, if I was to bring it up, it would go unnoticed, , it was this quiet discouragement, not unlike what I think that I imagine that our children feel when they go back over to the other house, the alienators house, and they, whenever they did speak kindly about us. And there was that quiet punishment they were ignored afterwards or just, it wasn't, acknowledged.

That's kind of how I feel like, it was for me when I spoke about the things that I wanted to do or the things that I had accomplished, it just wasn't really, um, I got the feeling that I wasn't being encouraged or believed in. The way that I reacted to that was that the things that I wanted to accomplish or do were not for me.

That was for other people. And so, and my dad to this day, he doesn't he didn't discourage, but he would kind of more like, Oh, that's cute. He didn't say the words cute, but he just maybe minimized. My efforts or what I wanted to do and so to this day. I don't ever say. Hey, did you catch this week's podcast?

Never I've never uttered those words Because it wouldn't be fruitful, right? They would just back in the day. I thought of it as only causing discomfort. so if that's something that's from sounds familiar to you , you likely didn't learn the skill of believing in your own self.

And belief is really truly half the battle more than half the battle. It's like 99 percent of accomplishing anything you have to believe. First, you think about like, I was thinking the other day about like nepotism, the, the kids that go into like the acting world or whatever it is really, it doesn't have to be an entertainment, but I'm just going to use that because we all can.

We've seen it, right? Um, the kids that were brought up with that reality being theirs, Like their parents did it. Of course, this is just what I do. This is what we all do. Kids at a young age think that everybody does that. It's like if you grew up with a pool, you think everybody had a pool. Right? When they didn't, you're like, You don't have a pool?

Like how do you live? Right? And so it's the same thing with all the other beliefs that we want to achieve. If it's not normal to you, it's going to feel so far away from you. It's not going to be a reality for you. Somebody has to believe in you so that it feels normal for you to step into those shoes.

Right. And if you didn't learn that at a young age, that is one of the challenges that maybe your soul chose I talked about that in last week's episode, maybe this is one of your challenges, you know, is learning how to supply that for yourself, believing in yourself and giving yourself encouragement to do the damn thing, , get it done, accomplished and moving on to the next thing.

But like I said, if you didn't learn that skill, instead, you probably. Like for me, how that showed up is I just didn't have dreams. I didn't have aspirations. In fact, I know that I've talked with you guys about this before, but at my first coaching school, the one that I didn't like that much, I, I remember saying that.

out loud, like to, to the people on my coaching call back then we did it like on, it was on a Webex or something like that. And, um, everybody was spreading out what their dreams were, what they wanted to do with their lives. And I was like, I don't, I don't have any of those. Like, I don't even know what that is.

I've never, I've really kind of thought that all of that stuff wasn't for me. And so I've never really, I never knew how to access that part of me that wanted something. And so, if that's you, if you feel like you're starting from ground zero, from square one, I actually think that's a great place now you can really cultivate and feed and intentionally, , design your life from here on out.

And you don't have A lot of the crap that we pick up along the way about what's expected of you and all that. If you're coming from a blank slate, then you can just start to develop the skill of believing in yourself now.

I guarantee you, if you can go through alienation, you can do, you can move mountains. You know, it's just a matter of you getting behind yourself and having your own back and sticking with yourself when your body wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient.

Because from those places, , you will only keep recreating what you've had in your past. That's what that system is there for, so anytime that you're seeking pleasure,

get out of this pain, Or you're trying to, keep yourself safe from something you're coming from fear. Oh, let's not do that. Cause we might fail. We don't, let's not do that. Cause it seems you're not for whatever you're saying, right. Or you wanting to be efficient, not expend the energy that you know, that you need to move.

 

Instead, what you want to work towards is honoring your long term desires, embracing discomfort. And letting it be hard, letting all the work be all of every part of life be difficult and loving it because it's difficult. And I know that that, , that last one is a tough one for us. Some of us come at it from a facetious place.

Like, of course, everything in life is hard. It's just been so difficult for us. , but maybe it's supposed to all be hard on purpose. It's Maybe that's the goal. Like, the harder that your life is, the more that you're actually meant for, you know? Maybe that's the whole purpose. Maybe the heart is like, where all of the happiness is.

If you're even going for happy. I don't even try to be happy anymore. I just want to like, keep And this all goes into encouragement. I want to keep impressing my own self. I want to keep upping my own standards for, for me, because that's what a best friend does for another best friend. Yes, you did it.

 Oh, you won that race. That's freaking amazing.  Let's celebrate. And the next day, what are you going to do next? , what are you going to do next? I just want to be your biggest fan. Let's go. That's what a best friend does. And that's what I want you , to treat yourself like right now, going for the happiness, not going for the easy times.

When is life just going to let up? Think about that when you're asking for life just to let up. What are you saying about yourself and your capabilities and what your aspirations are? If life, life just lets up, you're only going to create. Less than what you're creating right now, right?

You're gonna be on easy street. What is that gonna get you?

happiness , is knowing that you're on the right path, that you're moving forward, that you're growing. But if life lets up on you,

then you're not growing. You're staying stagnant, right? Because everything is easy. , Next. Not comparing yourself to others or hating on your current reality. Because you know that your BFF, Does not compare you to another person. Could you imagine if your best friend was like, God, I wish you were like so and so's best friend. I wish you were just more fun. I wish you were like more gifted and more engaging And why can't you be stronger?

And do you have to be going through this shit that you're going through in life? It's really inconvenient. It's kind of suck that you're going through all this stuff. You don't have time for me. No your best friend doesn't speak like that to you. No fucking way. Nor would you speak like that to anybody else.

I just really don't appreciate what you're going through right now. I don't really care to know about it. Never, right? But that is how we speak about ourselves. Like, do we have to be going through this stuff? Like, and we are also like, why can't we be more like so and so? Why can't we have what so and so's life is?

We see people, and from the outside, we're like, they have, obviously they're doing everything right. They have a good job, they have a good family, they have this, they have a car, whatever. A good car, they have, whatever you're saying, that their life is better than yours, right? But over there, maybe on the outside it all looks good, but you have no idea what's going on on the inside.

And I promise you this, no matter what, not that I'm wishing misery on anybody else, but there is an equal amount of negative in their life that there is in yours. It's just what you're seeing. It's all about what you're seeing. Because even the best things in life, The best things that you can imagine are filled also with the same amount of negative.

It's just what you're looking for, there's everything and everything and me there's an equal amount of good and bad and you the same. Any negative quality you want to find in somebody, you will, if you're looking for it, and vice versa, you know, and I know that we've learned this from the alienating parent, maybe even your own parents, and maybe your children, you know, that they look for all the bad in you, and they want to make that bigger, and it feels awful, and it feels like, um, magnified, especially when somebody is pointing out The bad qualities in you or maybe the qualities that you don't even have, but they're seeing in you, it feels terrible because you feel misunderstood.

You feel, , like they have no compassion for you. They have no understanding. They're not trying to understand, you know, but that's just because that's what they're wanting to see at the time. You also have an equal amount of amazing good qualities, right? And let them believe what they want anyway, and you've heard me talk about that a bunch.

But comparing yourself to others is Just as bad and you downing your own life is just as bad as when the alienator is hating on you. You're just now doing it to yourself. You know, so how can you, especially when you know that others are hating on you, how can you not hate on you? You know, how can you be there and have your own back?

10 years ago, I was probably worried about paying an attorney. I'm sure I was worried about paying an attorney. Um, so in 2017, I sold my house. 10 years ago, 20, 2015. Oh, 10 years ago, , I was getting ready to go into my second surgery for my broken arm that my ex husband, the next guy, not my daughter's father, gave me.

So I was worried about that. I was worried about, the situation with my daughter. I was word shitless because I was being, , harassed by my ex and his wife. Today. I have, I wake up, I have anxiety about money. I have anxiety about my business. I have anxiety about my daughter. Regardless of what is going on in your life, there's always going to be the negative with a positive, but maybe instead of just wanting, like I was kind of talking about earlier, instead of wanting like life to let up, maybe if you just expected it all to be hard, then it wouldn't be so bad.

You know what I'm saying? But we think because life is hard, that it is bad. No. What if it's actually an indication of something great to come? What if this, all of this difficult, difficult. This of life is actually indicating that you're going somewhere. Great. But you have to be down with it and go into the wave like I was talking about last week, like, I'm here for it.

It's hard. And I know it's hard, but I know that through this I grow and that's going to create the happiness and the, in the, the idea of me knowing that I'm going where I was made to go. You know? So instead of wanting it to let up, just expect it to be hard,

misery, is. Part of the human experience. It is just part of it. Nobody is immune to feeling miserable. Nobody. I don't care who we're talking about. And you think about, like, People in your mind that have come from the perfect parents, they had the perfect body, the perfect whatever, had all the things and they look like they have no problems.

People like that commit suicide on the reg all the time. They die of overdoses. leave their family. Terrible things happen for them just as much as your regular, everyday person. In fact, I would argue that the people that are given things and not have to , really work for 'em and have the struggle that you and I have, those are the people that actually are the most unhappy with their lives, is the ones that are given it.

Because they struggle with a lot more shame, usually. So, the struggle that you have, it doesn't need to indicate that you're on the wrong path, or that anything has gone wrong. And I know that that's a hard one to take, right? Because you want to say, no, but our children are being abused, and this is awful, and we're separated, and it shouldn't be this way.

I'm not saying that you don't want to go and change that. You, if that is on your heart, please take the steps , to do the things that you need to do in order to change that. Please do that. But it doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong in the meantime. Maybe all of what you're getting ready to do is exactly what you need to become.

That this is the recipe to get you there. Nothing, maybe nothing has gone wrong is what I'm saying. Just Allow yourself to consider how that might be possible because when you do, notice how you feel. Maybe nothing has gone wrong and this is all part of my journey. It's gonna cause you to feel way less anxiety, is my bet, so that you can just do the next right thing and your mind isn't clouded with all the ways everything has gone wrong.

Because when you think that everything has gone wrong, what happens inside of you? Your nervous system just completely activated, right? I feel it right now, just by even talking about it. Your anxiety is heightened. And then, of course, because like we were just talking earlier, , your brain is going to want to go to all the negative.

You're constantly looking out for all the danger, and not focused on what's ahead of you. So, maybe nothing's gone wrong. Maybe, maybe the misery, the, sickness, , maybe it's all just part of it, Okay, I think we're on number four, your best friend would be honest with you when nobody else will, when you're being your own best friend.

You're being honest with yourself when it would be easier to ignore the truth

Not being honest with yourself, not confronting the discomfort as soon as you possibly can, , it's going to cause you to Spin your wheels for for as long as until you decide to confront it And usually here's the thing guys is usually when you go confront it usually It wasn't that big of a deal anyway. So just confront the thing. I just think so many of us today want to avoid looking at the real truth of our lives. But if you don't, you will continue to recreate your past.

You really will. I feel like I sound like a broken record with that, but it's so important because so many of you, I know, feel like you're stuck it's Groundhog Day over and over again and you can't seem to get out of it. Well, most of the time it's because you're not willing to look at something that's staring you right in the face.

You know, be your own champion by loving yourself enough to be honest. be real with yourself about what's happening, the current state of your life or whatever it is that you're ignoring, so that you can move past it, get out of there, not just have that looming over your head. I know that you know this stuff, you guys, but so often when we're in a stressful situation, we think that if we avoid it, it's going to be better.

That's when when your limbic system is activated, . It shuts down all the reasoning so You're not thinking about this on the forefront of your mind because the forefront of your mind is numb.

So it's good to have these reminders. next on the list?

Your best friend expects the best from you. They expect your best effort. . they also don't fault you for trying. They don't tell you yeah, you never should have tried that. That was a terrible idea. Or they don't, judge you for failing, and what I'm offering is, is that you do that for yourself.

It's okay. the only failure there is, is not doing it always try. Because with the trying it's that's really what you're going for is you're going for getting the information back that this is something that makes you more of who you are or less of who you are.

Do you want to continue doing the thing, right? Is this something that's for you or maybe there's a different direction in the same area. You're just collecting data, but the more that you're avoiding and staying stagnant Out of fear and maybe I shouldn't and hiding keeping yourself sheltered.

That's failure. That's the nothing changes if nothing changes. your best friend encourages you to show yourself, share yourself with the world, Oh, tell that joke about whatever.

Oh, do that thing where you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's what a best, friend does. You know, so how can you be that for yourself? How can you really learn to love some of the most amazing qualities, qualities that only you offer in the way that you offer them? How can you nudge yourself out the door or into social situations into a job, the way that nobody else can, you know, you best, and like I said, you're the one that's with you that lives with you day and night in your brain as you're running, as you're doing all the things you've got to learn how to appreciate yourself and really hone in on the skills and the gifts that you have so that you can share them with the world.

So, expecting the best from yourself and looking for ways that you can Share that with others around you. Okay, not giving up on yourself, especially not ahead of time But not giving up on yourself out of fear or because you think that you're not capable Okay, that's a low quality reason to give up on yourself you're always capable of whatever it is that you've put in your mind It's just whether or not you value it or not, but don't ever give up because you think that you can't Okay, I already gave you that speech a couple weeks ago.

Um, a best friend doesn't need you, lean on you, drain you for energy, they're not dependent on you to feel good. They're not constantly like clinging on you and, um,

seeking your approval and draining you, right? And so the same goes if you're being your own best friend I would say that you're not needing other people, right? You're not leaning on other people, people pleasing or looking to other people for their approval in order for you to feel whole on the inside.

, you can learn how to not need the approval in order for you to be okay. Also what that means is learning how to have fun alone. And some of you guys I know have already mastered this.

Others of you, I know have a very hard time with this and really. Thrive on being around other people. Some because you're a natural extrovert. Others because you're still coming from trauma response. fun response is something that you have just made your default. Right? But learning how to have fun alone.

You guys have heard me talk about this. I have dance parties in my house on, um, I don't know. Sometimes on the hourly basis. It just depends on the day. But I talk to myself. And answer myself all day long and I have so much fun with myself It's highly, highly recommended.

I, I honestly laugh so often and I'm like, you know, somebody, somebody, whenever that day is, is really going to appreciate this. I mean, like when I'm talking about a partner, cause I'm funny as shit on the inside anyway.

Not everybody appreciates it, but I do. So really being your own. Best fan and really knowing how to moosh you. Somebody's not appreciating somebody in this house right now. Really learning how to, , have fun with yourself. Look for ways to entertain yourself.

, if you're not good with this, many of us are, cause we really dealt with severe isolation. So actually so many of us need to do the opposite, but we'll get there in a second. If you are, this is an issue and you're not confident with going out by yourself , starting with going out to lunch with yourself, taking yourself out to lunch, going to the movies, taking yourself out on a date to the movies, go to, going for strolls, by yourself and enjoying it.

Like, really enjoying, The dialogue that's going on inside of you. And it all starts with what I started with earlier about getting really curious about who you are and what you want and what makes you tick and why you did the things you did and why you do the things you do. All of that coming from a place of wonderment, um, about you for you, you know, and I'm telling you, you guys really, it's It's a no brainer because when you start to come at yourself with like, I wonder why you did that.

Like, tell me all the things. It's so instant that you start to want good things for yourself. It's just really an attitude change. With How you're seeing you, how you're seeing what your motives are and why you did the things you did and why you want to do the things you do, it's just becoming really intentional about, about all of it, right?

, it's so easy to become your own biggest fan. It's just that maybe you're used to downing yourself because maybe that's what you heard the most when you were growing up. Or maybe you got into a relationship which led to another relationship and another relationship later on, that they talked down to you, so you sort of took that on without even realizing it, you know?

But, I'm telling you, , it becomes

easier and easier to do it , it is just a mindset shift of just really learning how to, I'm thinking like Buddy the Elf right now. Remember how Buddy the Elf was like, tell me everything. Be that way to yourself, you know? Okay.

So a best friend has good boundaries. And so, like, for me, the people that I hang out with, , I want them to have good boundaries. Because it tells me that they respect their own selves, and they're also going to respect me. And those that don't have good boundaries tend to immediately drain me these days.

I think I was telling you guys, or maybe I was telling the Facebook group about a recent, uh, experience I had with, A lunch date, if you will, where this person had no boundaries and maybe not no boundaries, but very flimsy boundaries

that was my impression anyway. And halfway through lunch, I was like, I had been zapped. Of all of my energy all of it gone. I was like why am I so tired I was like sinking in my seat I like felt like I considered actually going and splashing water on my face halfway through lunch because I was like our food hasn't even Gotten here and i'm exhausted.

Boundaries determine the level of access that another person has to our time, our efforts, and our energy.

 

Being your own best friend, having good boundaries so that you're not giving away your energy to places that are people or things that don't need it, or maybe even deserve it,

it's so important for your own self preservation. I did talk about this in the Facebook group last Friday, about where you're placing, putting all your time. Are you time? We don't, one thing that we don't get back is time.

You guys, all of us. So what be very intentional, be very mindful, purposeful with how you're spending your time and with whom for whom, where are you placing your efforts? Is it contributing to your end goal, to your short term, like, end of the day goals, end of the week goals, and end of whenever goals, like your long term goals, you know?

with each task that you're doing throughout the day, is this contributing, or is it taking away? Is this, um, using up my energy stores for something that I really want to be doing? Those boundaries that you have with yourself and with other people will determine , the quality of your life on the short term and the long.

So developing those boundaries is really, uh, exercise of self respect.

And during the holidays, I think that this is a good one to talk about also throughout the year, like when we're talking about the emails from the ex or even exchanges with your children, if they're not being kind, not that always that, Because people are unkind, we just need to shut them out. But is this contributing to your end goal?

Does it matter so much that you need to prove? Do you need to prove yourself to whoever is on the other end? Is that what's important to you? Or can you trust that you know who you are and if they don't already see it, then maybe they won't, or they will when they're ready. Can you allow them, just let them let them be wrong, let them be angry, let them be whatever they are, without letting it affect your path.

Because

if you have to like pivot and now give attention to something that is behind you or over here, or isn't contributing to your main goal, then how is that worth it to you? it's really important for you to ask yourself these questions, not to become super selfish or self centered or, Self focused and only, thinking about yourself, but really, honestly, if there is no you, and if you're not contributing to that higher goal for yourself, then how is it that you're going to be there for other people? Usually when we're so willing to give our energy outwards to all the other people, then we really, that's where it's people pleasing and we're really have no life of our own that we're living, Staying on your path, just trust that people and things and opportunities. To give to others, , will present themselves those are usually the ones that are more meant for you and are going to support you in the end.

Having good boundaries is so important. Now, all the time, for your own self, especially during the holidays, and when we're dealing with a high conflict person. Knowing that you're not going to change their, their mind about you. They're going to change their mind because , that's what they want to do.

And it's going to be on their time. Just let them, let them be wrong, let them be whoever they are, knowing that by keeping on your merry way, you will be modeling to them, for them, whatever, not concerned about them. You're now on , your path, not their path, That's the problem with, people pleasing is that when we go do that, we've stepped off of our path and onto theirs. And now we have to find our way back through like the, sticks and all the woods to get back on our own path. Okay.

 

Uh, one thing I didn't talk about is expects the best from you expects your best effort.

The one thing I didn't talk about was, There's something to be said. I was thinking about this the other day that there's something to be said for, um,

putting yourself around those who you haven't yet accomplished what you want to accomplish, but other people have accomplished that already. And maybe they're way past it, because a lot of times when we're just by ourselves isolating, we get so used to the know our own norms and we start to rest on our laurels.

Because. We know how to, to, even though it's uncomfortable and it's not the way that we want to be going and we're staying stagnant in some areas, , nobody else is holding us accountable so we can just make excuses for ourselves and not excel in those areas that we really ultimately want to excel at.

But when we're hanging out with other people that have already, Achieved whatever not only is it easier to get there to that level because they're on that frequency, then you're going to start to raise your frequency just by being around them, because that already is the reality, whatever your goal is right.

So the more you surround yourself with people that you want to be like. The, the chances of you achieving the thing that you want that they have are much higher because you're, you're going to sit in, in action when it's just you by yourself. there's no standard to uphold yourself to the, the discomfort of being around other people that have already accomplished what you want to get to that gap.

confronting that is uncomfortable. So a lot of times we wanna stoop this is a lot of times what people do in relationships too. They wanna date down so it doesn't, challenge them to grow. Instead, it makes them stay stagnant or even go backwards, right?

But that discomfort of facing what you haven't accomplished yet, if you continue to put yourself in those situations, you will accomplish the things because you don't like to see that discomfort. Do you know what I'm saying? But subconscious is going to make the ways that you're slacking normal to you.

And you won't look at them. , it's like shoving things in a closet. ? In a dark closet and pushing them towards the back, you'll forget about them forever and ever and ever. But when all the lights are on and everything's pulled out That's the same thing as like hanging out with those people that have already accomplished it.

All right. . So number nine, Oh, so number eight is they're nonjudgmental. They don't judge you for making the mistakes. I've already kind of talked about this, but how do you questions to ask you? Or is like, How do you speak to yourself when you perform subpar?

How do you, when you make a mistake or when you're late for the umteenth time, what do you say to yourself? What is your self talk? I know for me, I'm picturing back in the day, like when I was meeting, I remember one time meeting the supervisor with my daughter, I got the hour mixed up. I, I went either an hour before or an hour after, and another time I can remember is that I thought it was on a completely different day communication got messed up

and I would beat myself up like, God, why can you never be on time? That's what I would say to myself. Why can you never be on time? It always happens this way. Or I was talking about last week, God, you always lose stuff. Well, when you're talking like that about yourself, guess what you're going to continue to do.

You're not going to change it. You're not going to learn from why you were late this time and do it differently next time, because you've already told your brain that you always are late. So your brain's going to go, Oh, okay. We're always late. So we're just going to get late again the next time. We're not going to learn anything here because we know that we're always the kind of person that's late.

So look at the way that you're talking about yourself when you're making the mistakes. , like, are you reinforcing and, restating to yourself the thing that you don't want to do as if you are that? Look at that. Because so many people do this. They will, Wrap themselves up in whatever action they , took, or didn't take and make that them, right?

You're just a late person. you're just a person who loses everything all the time. You can never keep hold of your keys. You can never keep track of your items. You will continue to do that. I promise you.

Number nine is your best friend. Doesn't try to tell you what to do or try to determine your path. At the end of the day, this is your life, you know, living it in the way that you think that other people will approve of. Will keep you in a special kind of hell for the whole duration that you're doing that people do this, you know Like with um what they want to do for a living especially if like mom and mom or dad wanted them to be a doctor or a lawyer if they go do that thing and they go to school spend all that time invest their whole life Into becoming this thing that somebody else wanted somebody else's dream for them At some point in their life if it wasn't also in their heart You They're going to start questioning.

That's why, um, midlife crises happen. They had all the things, they had the toys, they had the wife, they had the two and a half kids but at 50 years old or whatever age, they were like, is this all life is? This is all stuff. And it's miserable. It's because

they just followed what they thought that the path should be but if you're not following your heart, , you're going to end up living your life for somebody else. And. You end up living your life for somebody else.

So a best friend that won't tell you what to do. Won't be like, no, you should really do what I want you to do. They won't try to impose their will on you. And in that way, like, you just make sure that you're staying true to what you, what it is that you want. Not what other people want for you.

Not looking to others to make the decisions for you, you know, or for others to approve of your path, especially coming from us, you guys. So many of us think that we're on the wrong path. We're looking for clues that like cues that quote unquote normal or regular everyday people, like milestones that people hit in adulthood.

And we don't necessarily have them, but I will tell you this, when I started looking for cues and clues, Of other people's successes outside of the box. Women who made, uh, the most of their lives after the age of 40 or 50, right? Um, people that women who started businesses in their 50s ,. So just don't let the norm or Instagram or

Bob and Tracy down the street, whatever they're doing, just because their life looks good like that, like I was talking about earlier, it doesn't mean that that's your path. So, okay. And the last one is your best friend is loyal and trustworthy. And as you're back, they, no matter what mistakes you've made, no matter what has happened, they will always stand by you and pick up for you.

, could you imagine if your best friend was talking with other people and was like your real best friend person that unconditionally loved you was like, what a loser she is. I can't believe. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. No, nobody that really, truly unconditionally loved you would be that way.

They'd be right by your side, cheering you on, you know, no matter what. And I want for you to do the same for yourself, really, truly being your own tutor, your own cheering section, throughout all of it. You're going to make mistakes, especially going through all the pain that we have, you guys.

Bye. I promise you because, and it's my belief anyway, that because we've been through so much and because we're forced with having to, I mean, we can, and I did for a while, keep my blinders on and try to stay and avoid, you know, and the discomfort of going through it. But going through that fire, you're always gonna grow.

So you're always on an amazing path. Every time life gets hard, that just means there's more growth ahead for you. Some people resent that, but really, truly, if you look at, like I was talking about earlier, happiness is knowing that you're growing. You're moving in a direction forward direction in your life.

pain in front of you, though you may have an idea this is all going wrong. Maybe it's not going wrong. Maybe instead, this is exactly how it's supposed to be because I'm meant to get through this. There's really no downside to thinking that because the other side is that what that hell is on the, on the other end of this scary situation.

It's not the case. I promise you that the gates of hell are not in front of you. It may be feel like it at the moment, but you moving through it now gates of hell may be At the at the place where you just sit here in stagnancy and ignore ignore and perish like I was talking about last week not do the thing.

And so you get sick like going into the wave is always going to cause you to grow. That's happiness. That is in the end, you moving in a forward direction, um,

becoming stronger,

more resourceful, more knowledgeable, more confident in all the skills that you're developing along the way. Okay. All right, you guys. So be your own best friends today. Start working on it, looking at yourself, talk, look at all the ways that you're telling yourself that, that things are not the way they're supposed to be, or that you're don't have the tools or the support or whatever that you're supposed to have, you're exactly how you're supposed to be.

And you have everything that you need right now. Keep looking for evidence of that. How this is exactly the, the tools and everything that I'm, my, my Dora's , backpack, um, example. Just trust that everything that is on you right now and in you is exactly what you need to get through the next challenge.

And it always will be just enough. Like think about how your best friend, how I think about it in a comical way. Would I, would my best friend or my ideal best friend ever speak to me in this way? Like you don't have what it takes. I would just turn around right now.

I would just go stick my head in the sand, bury myself in a pile of blankets and don't come out, stay in there until the coast is clear. Your best friend would never say those things to you. So how can you encourage yourself and love yourself the way that you would hope that somebody would love your, like, four year old child or four year old self?

You know? All the time. Okay. Alright, you guys. Okay, bye. Don't forget, too, about the holiday specials. Go to beyond the high road. com. You can actually just go there and then you'll see the big red banner on top or backslash, um, holiday deals, capital H, capital D.

Okay. Goodbye.