From Survival To Revival: Helping Alienated Parents Find Their Purpose

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 91 stay tuned well hello everybody how we doing today I've got one light bulb that is like flickering you know right now so we'll see it's a little bit distracting but so um first quick announcements because I always forget or often forget is that um Friday Facebook live for as usual um noon eastern time and um then also just a reminder too I would love it if you guys if you're finding this EP these episodes useful um and that you're getting finding some relief out of them if you would write a review on Apple there are a bunch of you listening and I think we right now at this point um have

30 reviews which by the way I'm so grateful for some of you have written two and three reviews which I am so so grateful for your input and yeah but 30 reviews and there's like hundreds of you guys that are listening so I would love it if you're thinking to yourself oh it won't really make a difference if I write one it will I'm telling you it will make a difference so um the more people that we have reviewed the more attention that the show gets and the more attention the show gets the more parents like us find really just like you are okay so in in return you guys the more followers parents like us that are listening to this show the more that I can um justify hiring out and doing

all the production and stuff justification to pay somebody to do that work so I have time to work on this I spend so much time on to put this out for you as a free resource for you every week so please pretty please with sugar on top I would love it so thank you in advance for that and then that's it I think we just get on to the episode today we're going to be talking about sort of picky backing off of last week's episode I was thinking about how in the beginning of last week's episode I was sharing with you guys about feeling powerless about being in a prolonged state of freeze or a functional freeze we were talking about the symptoms that you might be having as a result of being in that

place maybe since the alienation began maybe for your entire life or since you were a young child you have always sort of jumped straight over to survival mode where you are just going through the motions sort of detached from yourself and maybe a bit numb or feeling distant from yourself things just don't seem right or like that there's any purpose or meaning I was also talking about how for me when I started this healing process as far as like when I got the bulk of my mental work done right mental emotional work done was when I shifted from looking at outside of me and looking at my childhood and what happened and trying to explain why I am the way I am and

moved over to what I can do and what was in my power today and moving forward that's when so much of my work really really started to become apparent to me I started to see a lot more results so today I kind of want to talk about that and maybe just wear your heads at like if you feel like you're stuck in that place where you don't feel like you have much purpose except for sort of existing getting by getting through this and to the other side um that mindset is going to keep you in the place where you want to get out of it's going to keep you in that freeze mode because the purpose your purpose purp when you get up each morning is to just get through this and

so we what are we focusing on the this instead of activating your creative centers and your Innovation your Ingenuity and all of that looking forward to actually creating purpose for yourself you can be without even realizing you're doing this stuck in how you're surviving right and it can feel frustrating because when you're in that that place you think that that's the only option you have it's difficult from that lead footed lead head lead body place to create a new pattern for yourself because it's like all the energy you feel like is being sucked up into actually just getting out of bed each morning and going and taking a shower it just all feels like so much

and so trying to create a new pattern or a new anything for yourself feels like a pipe dream like I just need to exist I just need to get by just need to get through today I just need to get through this court case like this next hearing coming up for me and then I'll worry about all that stuff later but in order to feel better we have to have purpose and we have to change what we're doing we have to change our patterns in order to change our patterns we have to have energy or we think we have to have energy and so we're stuck in sort of damned if we do damned if we don't like place of stagnancy in action because we're always waiting for the right time or something to give us this push the

right opportunity to show up the motivation the sign the whatever that is supposed to come in front of you and once you get that sign once you get the motivation once you get the energy once you get through the next court case then you can start to do whatever and then things will be okay but here's the thing is that there never really is that and then not until you take the step make the choice and commit to the discomfort of the unknown that's the pisser about it is that you think you need energy you think you need the opportunity the resources the time that this that that in order to create something new but that is exactly what's holding you back there's nothing

else holding you back except for your brain is what I'm saying and so in order to get out of it in order to get out of your stuckness you have to push through the discomfort of being tired the discomfort of not knowing if it's the right opportunity of not having all the answers for what you're getting ready to do you have to be willing to go do the inspecting the forging the exploring into what might be next for you you have to be the one that takes that first step and it is never going to be the right time and it's never going to feel like how you might think it should it's going to feel clunky and awkward you just have to take one step and then take another step and

take another step we tell ourselves that things will be better up there I just need to get through this next blah blah blah but the problem is that thinking it's not what you're have to get through it's the way that you're thinking about what you have to get through and really the problem is thinking that you just have to get through it anyway if you're waking up every morning and you're thinking I just need to get through today I just need to survive you're going to have a low quality view of your whole experience before you open your eyes you're like I just got to get through today how do you think you're going to show up for your world you're literally putting yourself in survival

mode from the second that you open your eyes you know I just have to get through it h as if you weren't going to get through it so brain already you've set the tone for yourself so I guess I just want to urge you to if you're like in that place where you're still feeling a little numb you're in that little bit scared apprehensive place where you're not sure how to make a move right I just want to sort of nudge you from your place of stagnancy to just make a move to make any move it doesn't matter what right now as long as you commit to changing the stagnancy you don't have to I'm not asking you to change yourself unless that's what you want to do but change your current view maybe you have

tried a couple things and then you've become your worst enemy and so now you're sort of heckling yourself and you're like that's not going to work that's not going to work maybe not all of you is like this but the part of you that's keeping you from doing the things which is your subconscious which is the part that runs you is sort of heckling you and telling you that's not going to work why are you even going to try that have you thought about blah blah blah how are you going to pay your bills if you do that oh so if you do go and commit yourself to creating this new life for yourself are you shutting out the possibility of accepting your kid back into your life again you know all

of these Negative Nancy sort of thoughts and doubts come up for you and I'm sure you've heard me say before that if we want to create something new for ourselves we have to think entirely new thoughts we have to consider entirely new things and what that means is we have to dip our toe out in the unknown but it's scary it's scary as and so it's sort of like this conundrum that we get stuck in because when we're feeling entirely stuck we're usually feeling victimized we're feeling at the effect of whoever is on the quote unquote other side of things who is blocking us or at the effect of maybe our inability to make ends meet get the bills paid complete all the requirements that the

court is maybe asking of you U maybe you feel like you're waiting on depending on somebody else to do their job or play their part and they're not so then you feel like you can't do anything in the meantime and that's what I think when we're in the stock place we're focusing on all the things that we can't do so then we can never really get to doing anything new and your brain is going to if you feel like you're stuck your brain is going to find all of the information to help you to support you in you being stuck and so you sort of create this whole reality for yourself but if you were asking yourself questions about how you're not stuck how you could create a

new life for yourself and you dared to to hear yourself to listen and to try those things you might find that you could create something different but it's not always that easy it feels scary it feels silly like who's going to judge me maybe that won't work if I do it then my kid is going to think that I don't love them and that I am abandoning them and going on with my life without them this is a huge one for a lot of us parents right that if I create this new life for myself what will my kid think will they think I'm just out there having the time of my life and I'm just um don't have any room any space in my life for them and that is actually I think the farthest thing from the truth

in fact I think the opposite is true when you're create or rebuild um construct your foundation and then life for yourself after that you are creating space for them to thrive with you I'm thinking right now I'm picturing like a garden right and if your garden is all beat run down all dirt and stuff um it's hard to accept new plants without creating a healthy place for them to thrive I know it's kind of a Cheesy comparison but it's just what came to my mind I was saying it but when you take everything out replenish the soil add in all the nutrients your fertilizers all the things and until the soil um and then start planting new then you've got this thriving garden and then you can add

whatever you want new expands do all the things but starting from the not so solid foundation and keeping your life the same you're not able to really accept anything new into your life you can't you don't have the space for your children because nothing is thriving at all what I'm saying is you have to start thinking new and you have to face the fear of the unknown it's never going to be the right time you're never going to get the perfect sign the perfect opportunity the right any thing what the right thing is is you just deciding to commit to something new and that's the thing if you're feeling stuck when you're feeling stuck it's because you're on the defensive right you're telling

yourself that you just need to make it through today that you just need to make it through this week through the next court hearing through whatever you just need to get your bills paid this month and then you can think about yourself or then you can whatever but when you're waking up each morning and you're telling yourself I just need to get through it I just need to get through it guess what you immediately put your brain into survival mode for the day you're on defensive playing defense as you guys know even in court cases if you've been through a court is not the way to get you to somewhere new when you're playing defense you're only getting yourself back up to like status

quo I guess when you're on defense you're playing to get yourself back to Baseline your Norm what you've already created and if you want to create something new then you've got to offense in your own world in your own mind you have to be the Creator the originator of your moves going forward in order to get unstuck you have to get off of defensives get off of Just surviving get out of that mindset and task your brain to be the Creator and to be the originator the instigator if you will that kind of goes to like a negative connotation but you are the one that's creating your life moving forward and the way that you do that is by not waiting for the perfect opportunity not

waiting for the signs not pondering your options not just getting through this and you'll deal with it then you have to task your mind give it purpose each morning the purpose of just getting through this of just getting the bills paid or or just making it past this whatever is coming up is going to keep you always under the thumb of whatever that thing is you have to give your mind something to do and when you do it will go to work for you so many of us stay stagnant because we're scared of what might happen if we start on the path to following our dreams our desires the possibilities in our mind what if if you're listening to the fear of what if I just just want to urge you to think

about what if you don't do it what if you decide to stay right here where you're at for another day what if the discomfort of today perpetuates Itself by not making a move towards your future because you're too busy waiting for the right time because you're too busy worrying about how somebody's going to judge you because you're too busy worrying about what the alienating parent or whoever is going to react to whatever you do how they're going to cut you off like your fears about the unknown and about the future their fears they're valid but consider what life might be like if you contined to listen to those fears and not act the discomfort that you are in today will

also perpetuate and are you willing to look back on your life and see that you didn't make the moves that you could have made guaranteed if you're feeling stuck you're not happy with where you're currently at but we don't consider that by taking the steps to do something different we're also moving out from where we're at we're getting to somewhere new it's discomfort either way it's the discomfort of no change at all and being in a place of stagnation or it's the discomfort of trying some something new and not knowing what's going to happen as a result but at least in trying something new we're becoming somebody different because we're building a new relationship with

ourselves and we're becoming the person that would do the things that would get us to the place we want to be to does that make sense I know it's it sounds very abstract but I think um hopefully if you're following along then you understand that it's so worth it to face these fears because in the end we're going to be feeling weird and awkward and blah either way but one way you just stay in the same over and over and over again the other way you create something new every time that you try to do something new right and even if you don't get the goal if you quote unquote fail so what because you're already somewhere different you're a different person as a result of making the

attempts to do something different this is how we get out of that free state by the way when we're in the Free State our body our mind is so used to looking for all the signs of danger right this could cut us off this could cut us off oh what about that danger we're not in action place we're in freeze the second that you put your body in motion and just start asking yourself questions about how you could get in motion you move from your free state that's the thing to get out of freeze you must move your body and your mind some way different than you already have it sounds so simple when I'm saying it and like duh but I think that when we're in it it feels like we're so backed into a corner

we feel like we can't make any moves but really all you need to do it's just like I was saying last week just do a dance party just do just shake your body right bounce on one foot bounce on the other right do repeat it three times you'll notice that you already start to feel different and you bring yourself a different energy into your own space into your internal space and then from there you start to consider different opportunities different perspectives for yourself H your head off your bed start looking at your world upside down you will find a different perspective literally you do you shake things up internally and you're able to then immediately afterwards you can start to

focus on what it is that you want to create for yourself moving forward like in your actual life not just inside of you you know but you have to get into action instead of just thinking about all the ways that that action might you right or the way that other people might cut you off screw you you have to commit to yourself commit to your journey of change of healing of growth right here's the thing is that sitting on the couch or staying in that free state it feel it's miserable it's so uncomfortable it feels all consuming a 100% feels all consuming I was there I feel you um but now that you know if you listen to last week's episode and you're listening now then you you've confronted

this place your stuckness right and now you can start to take those steps out you have to commit to taking the steps though because sitting on your couch and hiding isn't going to give you the peace that you desire what is going to give you peace is you becoming the person that has your own back and that does things even in the face of fear even in the face of failure even in the face of judgment rejection peace comes from you having your own back and doing the hard things you can do difficult things and you especially coming from what we've come through you guys you can kick hard things ass you can do all the hard things you are capable of so much more

than you might be giving yourself credit for if you're in that stuck place and you feel like you just don't know where to start or you're waiting for the right time you you don't know if you have the capability the money that this that that whatever literally just make the decision to ask yourself better questions and take a step forward into something that you've never done before whatever that is the other day I was messaging a girl back and forth about that she wanted to tackle Court reform educate the public on on this right especially in opposition to one M's battle and how the courts she's basically taking over the courts and turning Cadence's law into this whole

big circus right and so she wants to educate the the public to correct what one mom's battle has basically laid the groundwork for and so when I asked her how does she want to get her information out like what is going to be her medium if you will like is she gonna uh do videos is she gonna do a Blog is she going whatever she said well I want to do videos and I have one she said but I my idea is to get out on people's podcasts and talk about this so that I can do videos and I said it doesn't have to be one or the other she should build the library if you know she was asking me which she wasn't I just gave her some I just gave her some unsolicited advice but build the library

of videos now do it don't wait to get on podcast episodes to build your library of videos do it all now and then when you create the opportunities for yourself because of your library of videos then you go on the podcast too and tell people about your videos but you can make your videos right now you don't need to wait on anybody else inviting you to a podcast or for when that podcast is going to air you have so much power in this moment to do things that in your brain are going to say oh well I don't know if that's going to make a difference I don't know if what I do is going to matter if I'm going to be wasting my time spinning my wheels wasting my money yada yada yada do the

things do anything that even slightly relates to and might give you more experience relating to whatever it is that you're trying to do whatever you whatever your purpose is so always always instead of staying stagnant do something make a video if that's what it is when it doesn't of course have to be surrounding PA I mean it can be but maybe you want to get a new job well you're telling yourself well I already made a resume and so I just sent it out to everybody I can and what else I have nothing else to do except for wait on people to reply back to me did you make a LinkedIn are you making videos did you make a Tik Tok or a Instagram account solely for you getting a job provide

value to the world is basically what I'm saying even if you're not ready to start the business start providing value today for the business that you will create get the experience under your belt cuz trust me the first few videos or the first few whatever it is that you do however you're going to provide value to the world they're going to suck they're going to suck they're going to suck bad that's okay you have to get them under your belt so you may as well do it now while nobody's looking and then you're an expert by the time it really quote unquote matters you know what I'm saying when people are looking when You' built up your um your following or whatever it is that you're

doing you know not everybody is tasking themselves to create an audience but you apply this to your own life but you must have a purpose you have to purpose your brain each morning that you wake up because if not you're going to have yourself on the defensive I just need to get through today I just need to make it through the next blah blah blah and that my friends will keep you in the Free State okay so if you want to get out of that you must must must put yourself on the offensive in your own life you are the star of your own life so instead of playing damage control instead of looking at all the ways that everybody's against you I trust me I'm not making

fun of that like I get it 100% but you will feel like you have so much you will have so much more control and um power over your own world when you sit in the director seat you're taking the steps even if those steps don't quote unquote like they don't unmount to anything you're gaining the experience you're learning what you like what you don't like trial and error is everything it doesn't all have to amount to the Masterpiece in the end all of your the actions that you take along the way there's where you find the joy this is where you find the peace is in the messiness of your life of creating the flo videos writing the parable blog post or whatever it is you know the mistakes

matter you collect so much data I talked about that a few weeks ago but sitting around waiting wanting to make it count wanting to wait for the right opportunity the right support money blah blah blah is a trap it will keep you stuck my friends so the quickest way to get out of that stagnancy is to start acting do things that you haven't done before start asking yourself questions that create better feeling answers for you so you must be willing to commit to yourself and commit to your own experience the ride and remember that when you're fearing anything that might happen you know on the other side of the unknown ask yourself do you are you willing to forgo the benefits of what

you might get by following your your ideas your dreams in order to stay in the stagnancy of today you know so don't ever be afraid to commit to yourself you're not shutting anybody out of your life IE your kids creating a better life a better Foundation working on you and adding to you will only can only create more space for you in your heart and in your life to welcome them even more yeah don't be scared to do the things go do the things make the mistakes fall down get up keep going don't let your fear of what they're going to do stop you of course you want to be smart about what you're doing I mean don't go you know doing anything that's going to jeopardize your relationship with your

kid but you have so many more moves to make than you might think that you do but you're in it you're so stuck with the blinders on in your own life sometimes that you don't see all of the possibilities the opportunities that might be sitting right smack in front of your face you just have to be willing to to like I said hang off your bed upside down for a couple minutes and stand back up and see if you come up with different ideas seriously just try silly new goofy things go sit in a coffee shop for a day um as opposed to working from your home do put literally put yourself physically in different places through throughout your day throughout your week um ask

yourself better questions high quality questions different questions that lead you to better feeling answers okay all right that's all I have for you okay yall have a wonderful week good bye