In Episode 127, host Shelby Milford discusses cultivating a leadership mindset in personal life, particularly after experiences of parental alienation. Shelby focuses on feeling lost, the struggles of alienated parents, and the importance of self-leadership. She emphasizes recognizing and honoring personal desires, managing self-talk, dealing with emotions, and investing in personal growth. She also recounts her own experiences with self-doubt and stress and outlines the importance of letting go of past identities to find freedom and become a more effective leader of one's life. Shelby advocates for taking concrete steps to implement learnings from various resources to transform from a reactive to a proactive leader.

 

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview

00:28 Personal Update and Plant Talk

00:41 Leadership Mindset in Personal Life

01:47 Parental Alienation and Leadership

03:15 Challenges in Self-Leadership

05:28 Self-Advocacy and Mental Health

09:00 Taking Accountability and Letting Go

29:36 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

 

#parentalalienationrecovery #alienatedmom #podcastforalienatedparents

---

Hey y'all, welcome to another exciting dive into self-empowerment on "Beyond the High Road." Today, we're exploring how developing a robust leadership mindset can transform your life, particularly after experiencing parental alienation. So, grab your coffee, and let's chat about owning your journey and leading your life with purpose and courage.

 

Embrace Leadership in Your Life

 

First off, let's talk about what it means to lead your own life. We often excel at leading others—whether it's at work, within our communities, or with our families. But how well are you steering the ship of your personal journey? Yes, you might be a top-tier leader at the PTA or a seasoned project manager, but it's crucial to ensure you're applying those admirable skills to guide your own dreams and desires effectively.

 

Recognizing Internal Desires and Goals

 

A common challenge is feeling lost and unsure of what we want from life, particularly when our roles have shifted dramatically. How well do you identify your desires and goals? Are you managing your own emotions and self-talk? Remember, practicing exceptional self-management can amplify your ability to lead others. It’s about tuning into what you truly need and ensuring you’re not just reacting to life but controlling it.

 

The Myth of Self-Punishment

 

Here's a tough truth—no one is coming to rescue you. This realization can feel jarring, but it can also be incredibly liberating. Relying on external salvation means you're at the mercy of others' actions and decisions, which can leave you in a perpetual state of waiting. Instead, understand that you are capable of being your own hero; you are already equipped with the potential to lead yourself through any storm.

 

Dismantling Limiting Beliefs

 

Leadership isn’t about being perfect; it’s about understanding and dismantling the limiting beliefs that might be holding you back. Whether these are derived from past experiences, childhood views, or societal norms, it’s time to let them go. Leading your life means taking charge, not allowing outdated beliefs to dictate your choices or your future.

 

Transition from Victim to Leader

 

Many of us default to a reactive state during crises—fight, flight, freeze. I've been there, caught in the whirlwind of emotions, feeling out of control and more like a victim than a leader. Recognize that this state doesn't define you. Be willing to step away from the victim mindset and embrace the narrative that you are a born leader, capable of orchestrating your life with intention and control.

 

Develop a Plan and Take Action

 

Practical steps can greatly enhance your leadership mindset. Develop a plan from everything you read, watch, or listen to—integrate those insights into your life. Consistency creates progress. Don’t just consume content; actively apply learned principles and concepts to bring about real, transformative change. Empower yourself by investing emotionally, mentally, and physically in your personal growth.

 

The Freedom of Letting Go

 

True leadership involves sacrifice, particularly the courage to let go of past identities and comfort zones. Be willing to release the stories you've told yourself about who you are. This sacrifice is not a loss, but a freeing act that opens you to potential growth and self-realization beyond your current limits.

 

Conclusion

 

Remember, fellow travelers on this journey, you have the innate capacity to lead yourself and others. Begin by advocating for yourself, embracing your capabilities, and daring to live intentionally. There's a whole world of possibilities awaiting your leadership, so why wait?

 

Everyone who depends on you, including your children, is waiting out there for your leadership. Use this power to foster a fulfilling and purposeful life—not just for yourself but for those who look up to you. So, here's your call to action: step up, take charge, and lead like the incredible force you are meant to be. 

 

Now, go out there and make the most of every opportunity. Until next time!

 

---

Episode Transcript

 

 You are listening to the beyond the high road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 127. Stay tuned. Hey y'all what's up? What's the haps? My hips are back to hurting again. I had been sitting in a chair, the last week, but not today, folks. I am back to standing. So, um, today we're going to be talking about, having a leadership mindset.

In your own life. Um, but first I'm going to show you, for all of you plant heads out there, plant nerds, if you have or know about Hoyas, they're all like, so much different. And one of these guys just Came into bloom, um, today. It was already starting. Like, obviously it takes a while for these guys to come.

I wonder if you can see it. Hold on. If I can hold it up. Don't look at my boy nails right now. But do you see these blooms? They look like fondant on a cake.   📍 Oh, it's going to go funny. They're actually really shiny, but you can't see it.  And they're like thick, like, you know how like fondant would be.

They're so pretty. And they smell so good. Like sweet, like kind of like frosting. Yeah, like a really faint perfumey frosting. They're so pretty though. I wish you could actually like see the shininess of them. I needed to nerd out for a second I'm so excited and I've got a bunch of other ones getting made in the flower.

Okay, on to talking about parental alienation and being the leader of your life. , I wanted to talk with you guys about this today. It seems to be a theme that's coming up with, well, I guess always really with my clients. I'm thinking of, uh, of my clients right now in particular are feeling a little lost. And I know, I know, humans in general, but then all of us as alienated parents have felt this way before, like needing help, needing, feeling like there's not enough help out there, needing skills, don't have the skills, needing, needing stuff.

And not sure what to do with themselves because they don't have the things or think that they can provide those things for themselves. Make sense? Also, one of the clients I'm thinking about right now, isn't actually even sure of what it is that Um, I don't he's in the boat that I was in back in the day where I didn't dream.

I didn't have dreams. I didn't know what they were. I didn't know how to find them. How was I going to get to know myself? I should know myself by now. , how does one go about doing that? why can't I trust or hear my own desires and follow them? It's like I had no what?

How to tap in to that part of me that I did know, but I didn't know that I knew. And also, um, there was like, there was, there's context to that because depending on your childhood, depending on the dynamics of the relationships that you, had held as a kid, this could show up in different ways for you, but if you are a Like me and like the client that I was just talking about where Yeah, you don't know you just didn't have the first clue about how to find out who you are because as a child You, from the get, learned to defer to whoever it was that was in charge in your mind, right?

Whether that was a mother or father, sometimes it was sisters and brothers But, it was never really, like, your opinion wasn't valued, or your mind, you feel like it sort of came up short or you weren't doing enough or doing it right. And so then you just decided early on, it was just easier to defer to whoever was telling you how to do it.

If you're that type, then it might be really, really difficult to act as the leader in your own life because you've always. Followed somebody else, right? And so now it's really uncomfortable to listen to yourself and feel like it's the right thing, that you're doing the right thing.

It feels really shaky and not natural, but also too, you could have not had that experience growing up and still not be Leading your own life like how you want to there could be other things that you're avoiding like and what I was just talking about there, um, you could be avoiding. So instead of like me, actually, instead of me saying what you can be avoiding.

So what are, what are the things that you are avoiding in your life?

You could know fine and well what it is that you want to do, but maybe you are ignoring what you want to do because. Of whatever for you. There's a fear there or, um,

I know, but I know that not every single one of you that's listening is going to have that problem you may know exactly what you want. And in fact, you might be listening to me right now and saying, Shelby, what are you talking about? I am an excellent leader. I work in corporate America. I led the PTA eight years in a row. I know how to lead. I, um, I'm a project manager at work. That's literally my job, I managed all of my kids.

Superbly, I know how to lead, but my question to you would be how are you doing at leading your own life? And not that I'm doubting you. Maybe you are doing fantastic at this. And if that's the case, you probably wouldn't have even really clicked on this episode. But, , are there areas in your life that you're practicing amazing leadership skills, but then there's also some areas that maybe you're not.

and what are those areas?

How are you at recognizing and leading yourself to the desires that you have the goals that you have how are you managing to follow your calendar? What you put on your calendar. How are you at recognizing your dislikes? honoring those dislikes. How are you, , at managing yourself in the relationships that you have involved, managing your self talk? How do you talk to yourself on a regular basis, which really is like the beginning of everything, How are you at leading yourself through and managing your own emotions? Not that emotions are something to manage, but allowing yourself to feel is for sure leading yourself, in an effective way, how are you at paying attention to yourself? Like, really listening to what it is that you need or want? Do you even know what those things are? Your mental health. How are you at leading yourself through, and advocating for your own mental health, good mental health. self care. Another one. are you leading yourself in the way that you desire in the way that you're taking care of yourself on the day to day, do you even know what that is? Because it's not just taking care of yourself care isn't just about going to get your nails done and going to therapy and or listening to this podcast or whatever other podcast reading the books.

Yes, that is part of it. but it's not everything. There's steps afterwards. What did you read in those books? What takeaways did you get from all of the podcasts and, and YouTube videos that you watched?

Do, have you developed a plan as a result of that information that you've received or consumed in whatever way you have? Right? Are you implementing those things in your life? level at which you lead yourself your thoughts, your emotions, and of course, your actions as a result, Will match the level that you lead other people with, So if you've been one to lead before and you're excellent at it and you're not so much doing it on the home front, right, with you, imagine how much you could up level your leadership skills when you're leading your own life, managing your own self in the most effective way.

Right? So you managing your own life in the most effective and loving way is going to make you such a better leader overall. if you're sitting there and thinking, but I'm not a leader, I couldn't lead anybody. I can't even lead myself, And if that's you right now, I just want you to know that you are a leader, and you were born a leader. Like, you were Born to lead. There are people out there that right now look to you to lead them, to inform them, to show them the way. They look up to you, need you in their life to lead them.

They depend on you, And if right now it's not because, like, let's say you're not in contact with your kids and your kids are the ones that you did lead before, and so now you feel like you're out in no man's land, just know this. There are people whether that's your kids, I don't know, there are people right now that are waiting on you to show up for them in their life so that you can lead them.

There are people depending on you. So you must develop your skills to lead you so that you can help them. And I'm not saying that to instill any sort of, urgency or scarcity in you. Right? In fact, the opposite. I just, you were meant to lead. You were meant to show others.

The way now, just as I said, we're all leaders. We're all born leaders. You were born a leader. We are also all born as followers too, It's important that we have both of those aspects in our lives. Like, I don't always want to lead, you know, I don't, I definitely don't always want to lead.

I want to follow other people. Let them show me the way Because I don't have all the answers and I don't want to have all the answers. I don't want to have to always lead, But, but, I refuse to be a follower in my own life, to play the passive role in my own life. I want to show up as the CEO of my world, And from there, I can follow when it's, when it's time for me to follow, I get to decide that because I play an active. Role of leadership in my life. but when I am in the mode of like, ricocheting and reacting off of the elements, the things that happen, the people that show up in my life, then I have no control, no authority and that feels really shaky, It feels much worse than going out there and, Doing something new, worried that I might fail or something like that. Being reactive feels so much worse because you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop or for something else to happen in your life.

It's almost like, you know, when, the teacher left the classroom or like your parents left the house and maybe you weren't necessarily like the party animal person, but you, maybe you had a brother or sister who was a party animal and when the parents left the house, you were like, Oh God, what's going to happen now?

Like now we have no leader and the shit's gonna go crazy. That feeling is scary. maybe you've been feeling that way in your life because now that the alienation has happened you leading your children might have given you the sense of calm that you needed to feel in control but without that, you don't know what to do with yourself, right?

Like I talk about a lot that, um, sense of urgency that I had. I was just talking about it probably last week or something, that sense of urgency that was always in my stomach. Like, it just was turning. Like, I mean, and I was anxious all the time because I felt like I had no control. This was very unfamiliar to me.

And I know that I would not have necessarily felt that way if I put on that role of leadership in my own life. But I didn't. I was in a very reactive state at that time, which is what I needed to go through and it's fine,

 

My default mindset back then, when all the shit was hitting the fan I was in stress response, right? I was in fight, flight, freeze, fight, flight, freeze. I was very reactive and I was definitely not in charge. I was more in, without knowing it, more of the victim, uh, mindset, not what was me at all.

In fact, I was more in freak out, like, what do I do? I don't know how to deal with this. They're hurting my daughter. this is lasting impact on my daughter's life and our relationship and all the things, not that that wasn't a natural response, but from that place, I was very out of control of my own self I couldn't, govern, right? I couldn't govern my own emotions, my thoughts, and my actions Everything was reliant upon them. and also the state of my daughter when she was brought home, I watched her like a hawk, like I was so hypervigilant because in my mind, I knew. That they were fucking her up, which I'm sure caused me to show up in a way that wasn't fully present for her, for this sweet two year old toddler, you know, that needed her mama to, to be there and not in a stress response.

But be that as it may, again, I know that that's how it was supposed to happen. For me and for her for us Now would I love to have been all healed and to the place where I am today sure sure But if I was in this place back then Well first it never really would have happened if I was already to This place where I am today also, I don't know that I would have recognized What to do with the mean the now me back then.

I would have flipped out. It would have been a huge identity crisis. But anyway, that's beyond the topic right now.

 but nothing, and I mean nothing, will show you your default mindset like idle time or catastrophe.

Idle time during catastrophe,  When your world blows up and you have nowhere to run, nowhere to bury your thoughts, nothing to busy yourself with. But you waiting. I had, a potential client, somebody that we've been Chit chatting back and forth and I've just been helping her, you know, here and there, um, for the last couple months or whatever.

And she emailed me the other day, I don't know, the beginning of the week. , we'd had a consult a while back. I gave her the three days. And anyway, I knew it was going to be some time before she did get back to me. But, lo and behold, the day that she decided to email me.

She was waiting for her hearing for one of the hearings for her custody situation. It wasn't like the hearing, but it was one of the hearings. And of course, she's sitting there waiting, idle time, in an uncomfortable situation, and there's nothing that you can do but be with your thoughts. Right. And in those moments, I'm not calling you out because I've been there so many times, you know, um, if you're listening to this right now, but

I mean, so many times I've been there we think that we're doing fine. And I'm not saying that she's not doing fine. I know that she, With my help or without it, she will survive. She will be fine, ? And, but,

why should survival be the standard, right? We've been in survival mode for, for me, I was in survival mode basically my whole life. Most of my life anyway, I'm over survival mode. I don't want to survive anymore. I want to lead in my life. I don't want to ping pong ball react Wondering when the other shoe's gonna drop. And I know that she doesn't, and you don't either, right? I don't want to just get by trying to blend in with the wallpaper, Hoping that somebody doesn't notice and then blow my world up. I don't want to just wait for the next big thing to happen to know that I already have my back, , I want to know that I have my back and have already developed all the skills that I need for anything that comes my way from now moving forward.

That's how I want to be. But it took a long time to get here. I would have said, yeah, that's what I want too, you know, back in the day. But when it came down to it, when the push came to shove, it was much easier for me anyway. And I would have to say for most people, we don't want to have to go chance anything, get vulnerable,

, risk discomfort if we can just try to skate by in survival mode. And because we've already been doing that for so long, we know that that's doable, But doable isn't again. It's just not the standard that I want to live by anymore. And I tell you what, it was getting to the point for me that I couldn't anymore.

It wasn't worth it. The misery that I was experiencing and that's what had me in that so long depression is because I would never actually stand up and advocate for myself instead. I would just barely do enough to get by. I was just only doing the bare minimum to skate by and be like, dodge that bullet.

And then I would, there were times when I would get through the big hump. And afterwards. I'd either think, shit, that was all luck, I don't know how I lucked out, and I'm fucked the next round, so I would live in fear, or, depending on the time, or I would think, oh yeah, I'm amazing, I know how to do this, right, ignoring it.

Like pushing away the things that I've already told myself, I know that I want to learn and do and become before the next big thing happens, right? We do this like with money when we're like, Oh, we're going to save, we're never going to get to the spot again where something comes up and all of a sudden, an unexpected bill comes like your dishwasher breaks

and all of a sudden, all of the savings, the little tiny bit of savings that you had, or maybe you had nothing. You were like, shit, I never want to get myself in this position again. So you swear to yourself that you're going to save. And then something comes up where you want to go shopping or go on a trip and you blow your savings and then you're back where you started, right?

It's the same thing with our mental health or like with your life, with every area, right? You can apply that. I'm sure we can come up with examples. Um, in all the ways, but definitely with my mental health and, investing my time and my.

trust, my, devotion, energy, Investing into my own self, felt like the last resort. Like I wasn't betting on myself, because, again, childhood, how it was, I just felt like it wasn't a worthy cause or something. I never said that. I never, the words weren't there, but it just didn't seem like it was.

Going to bring me back a return, , I was better off relying on somebody else. it's just how I was raised, so doing something different, though, I know that that's what I've always wanted.

Back then I just wanted the results quick That's what my ego and what my brain wanted. I just wanted things to just happen quick instant gratification. Right. But that's not really what I always wanted. Really. What I always wanted was to develop the skills and to, earn all of that.

To have all the experiences that built up to getting the things that I wanted instantly. That's what my soul wanted, I just got the things that I wanted instantly, I never really appreciated them. In the moment, it was like that instant, like, whew, I got it!

Yeah! And then, it was empty, right? Because I was still basing my happiness and my whole life, the management of my life, on the outside world. And that's what I know that so many of us do as alienated parents. We're basing our happiness and our, everything is contingent really on how the alienating parent is being, how the judges and the lawyers and the gals and the, you know, how they're behaving or not behaving.

Right. on our children. if they're calling, if they're returning our calls, if they're smiling at us, speaking to us, all the things, When we're basing it all on that, You will ultimately be disappointed. Because you're managing your life. In a very reactive state based on other energies coming in, but when those energies aren't coming in, in the way that you want them or need them to, then what? Then what? Then you're fucked. It's a very needy place to live and I don't mean any disrespect to you when I say that I'm saying that because I want to help you to move past that and become the CEO or the leader of your own life and not need that, you know, um, I had.

I, I get this often, where somebody will comment on a video or say to me in a consult, usually it'll come up like there needs to be more resources for alienated parents. There needs to be help, more help available.. And I know I agree with you but I want you to live by the, belief that no help is coming.

Nobody's coming to help you. Nobody's coming to save you. It's not for them to do your saving. That's where I want to help you to get to because then you don't need the help when it does come. You know, then you're not reliant upon that. If nothing is contingent on them, whoever them is. More state aid more this more that whatever.

And I know that when we're talking about logistics like we're getting like in the nitty gritty of the case and the legality of our situations of alienation I'm not speaking about that. I'm speaking about when you're saying that you need help to advocate for yourself and for your child, that I want to help you become self reliant in all the ways, but especially, in the way that you lead yourself through your everyday life.

That's what I mean. A leader in your own life would mean that you aren't waiting for the rescuer to come that you're collecting data that you've developed a plan that you are making decisions,

educated, mindful, sound decisions. On the day to day, and you're starting to feel comfortable making those decisions. You're not looking to others to make those decisions for you, Or you're not waiting on information at all times. Your life isn't contingent right on all the things a leader Feels equipped with what they have in front of them and inside of them. an inner compass that they trust that they know works and is going to get them from point A to point B that they know a leader knows where point B is. Right. And if maybe it's not exactly, but you know, the direction that you're headed, , a leader invests. In the cost, educationally, emotionally, and even physically, financially, however, whatever, depending on what your cause is in the moment, right, but you and because we're talking about being a leader in your own life, you're investing in you emotionally, you're investing in yourself physically.

educationally, you know, mentally, you are all in on you. Like I was saying earlier, you know, about how I didn't think it was worthwhile to wait and use my own resources what I had in my brain. It would be easier just to go outside of me and find the answers from other people that are already been through it.

And I'm not saying that there's not, a benefit in that, right? There's definitely value in finding out from people who have been through it before, I know that's what you guys are doing here with me, right? But you'll make the decisions in your own life. Are you putting yourself in that role? Are you trusting yourself enough to be able to make those decisions?

And are you supportive of yourself even when those fail, What are you doing in those moments? Are you beating yourself up? Are you telling yourself you should have known what an asshole. Why wouldn't you have seen the signs or whatever it is that you're saying?

Are you giving yourself compassion, grace, you know, think of like a leader in, in a workplace or like a spiritual leader, right? How would you expect to see them treat somebody? And is it, is that how you treat you? In the situations, how would they treat, how would they treat somebody if they were to make a mistake,

like in the church or something, I don't know, if you're not, don't believe in church, you get what I'm saying though. Somebody that's like a guru of something. Are they looking down on the person that made the mistake and being like, You suck, you should have known better, blah, blah, blah. Or do they have, are they giving them grace?

Are they showing them the way? Are they understanding? And are you doing that for your own self? Or are you telling yourself you're a piece of shit and making things really punitive? Like, another thing that I used to do, and I know we, we've probably all been there I used to, I never said that I was being punished.

You know, like alienation happened because I'm being punished. I didn't have that language. Although I know some of you do. Mine was more like, this is what you get for not being responsible. This is what you get for not knowing or not doing ABC for being, undisciplined or being, uh, I used to think of myself as being neurotic.

Like flighty, And, impulsive. And so I would tell myself that sort of like karma because I'm that way, this is how life is for me. This is all basically, yeah, it was like a punishment. I should learn my lesson and be a different person that those qualities in me or those, whatever behaviors I was displaying were bad and wrong.

And I needed to do better and be better. , which is really terrible. I felt really icky a lot of the time about who I was as a person and because of course, this, the nature of this whole dynamic of alienation is very punishing, right? So you have the alienating parent and maybe even the opposing attorney and maybe some of your family, who knows, like, there may be a whole bandwagon of people that are pointing at you and saying, if you weren't this way, this wouldn't have happened.

You know, that's how I felt for sure. And of course, I think we all have that from the alienating parent, but there may be even people on your side that are kind of saying that or inferring that maybe they don't fully say it, but there's that, you know what I'm saying, right? If that is there for you, just know, please, please take this from me.

It's not true. It's a fucking lie. It's not that you're being punished or that because you were this way, the cause and effect, because you were flighty or because you weren't disciplined enough, you weren't doing the things that were required of you to see your kid, that this is why this happened. Please, don't believe that.

It is a lie. And you know I am all about, I just got fired up about this It's something I'm passionate about because it fucked me up for so long like it'll bring me to tears. It really fucked me up for so long like I shamed myself not even knowing I was shaming myself because I believed it to be fact that I was just irresponsible and fucked up and that's why everything happened.

That I didn't care about my kid in the way that other people would care for her so it was my fault. And I'm telling you that is not the truth. Other people, and I know that you also know this equally as much, is that other people have done some crazy stuff, the crackheads out there and what have you, that still see their kids on a very regular basis.

They're not being alienated. They're not being erased and replaced and all the things, and you know that I am all about personal responsibility and taking accountability for your life, okay? But you can't take accountability for your life if you're shaming yourself. They're two separate things. They're on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Shaming yourself. It's going to cause you to continue feeling shameful and doing shameful. it's not, you're not inherently bad that behaviors or the traits that you might have displayed in the past doesn't mean that they are static, that they're in you forever, and that you need to act in those ways forever.

It's not who you are. taking accountability for your life is like, okay, this didn't work for me. And understanding why you showed up in that way to begin with, that's being accountable and being responsible and being the leader of your own life is really coming to terms with an understanding.

I'm not spending years back in your childhood. I'm not saying that, like wondering all the whys of like, why you acted this way in that way. But like, huh, I was. I didn't feel that I was disciplined back then, and I have more to say about this because actually just the thought or belief that you're not disciplined is going to cause you to not have more discipline.

Right. But there's a lot of areas of discipline. I just picked the word discipline. It could be any of the things that you tell yourself about you. But like, if you're telling yourself that you don't you're not disciplined. I'm sure if you look at your life now, there are plenty of ways that you are so disciplined on the day to day, and you don't even give yourself credit for.

So it's not that you don't have the skill or the ability to be disciplined. You are already disciplined. Chances are, I would, put money on it if you make your bed every day, then you're doing that.

That's just, you know, to feed yourself. Right. It's not just like a survival thing, but it's discipline to, to, especially if you're cooking for yourself, that's discipline to do that on the regular, right? To create like the habits that you do have that takes discipline to, if you work out discipline, walking your dog. Discipline. It's just a matter of where you decide to put your focus, but if you're telling yourself that you don't have discipline, then guess what? You're really gonna display all the ways that you aren't disciplined, you know? But anyway, back to what I was saying.

Being the leader of your life, isn't deferring to what other people think about who you are and who you've been up until now. Being the leader of your life is you deciding, and even if you, like, who you've been up until now, maybe you want to become a new version of yourself, right?

You get to decide that. You get to decide all of it. Just because you were certain ways before doesn't mean that you have to continue. In fact, I would urge you not to do all the things the same as you always have before.

You should always be changing and reinventing yourself, right? And whatever everybody, anybody else says about you, Don't let them dictate who you are going to show up as today because doing that is actually taking the follower, mindset. you're letting them dictate, tell you who you should be, or you shouldn't be, or you're allowing them to live up in your head about where you're going.

And that, my friends, is actually being in the passive role in your own life. And that's what I'm, yeah, that's what this whole talk is about. How are you advocating for yourself? How are you speaking to yourself on the everyday? What limitations are you putting on yourself? And are you good with those limitations?

 

Like, even if you have limitations on yourself and you know, you want to overcome whatever you're telling yourself that you can't do. Just acknowledging them and being okay with them and not having a story . The story about the limitations is only going to cause you to become a victim to those limitations.

Do you know what I'm saying? But you acknowledging those the ideas of the limitations in your life, outing them, and still having command over them is also being the leader of your life. Like, I know that this is what I believe in my default mind.

 

But it doesn't mean that that is going to rule my life for the rest of eternity. In fact, I have a plan to dismantle unravel these beliefs, these limitations that I've put on myself. I know why I developed these limitations because of such and such that happened. Back in the past and that's okay. This was what I was supposed to overcome.

This is the leader talk, it's okay that I had the mom or dad that wasn't present or the controlling whatever you had, I or maybe it's not okay for you and that's okay, too But like acknowledging it and then still standing tall taking the ownership of it so that you can be The governor of it moving forward. , a leader will understand why shit's gone down. What the challenges were understand the mechanics of everything that's happened thus far, everything that's happening now and where he or she wants to go from there. So the same for you a leader is not just about what you're doing on the outside when people are looking or how you're showing up or how you're podcasting or what you're writing in a book and how impactful it is and how whatever,

start with you. It's so easy to lead other people. It really is. But if you're not doing it for yourself first, doing, leading with the other people is going to mean squat for you. Okay? So have it start from within. I know that sounds cheesy and cliche, but whatever. the last thing that a leader is.

I'm taking this from a Nelson Mandela quote I'll probably butcher it, is a . leaders willing to sacrifice all.

For the freedom of his people. And so, I want you to take that for you. You are willing to sacrifice everything. Everything that you are. Everything that you were. For the freedom of you.

What I'm saying here guys, is your ego, your identity, you have to be willing to let that fall away. In order to become new in order to lead yourself into your future, let go of the ideas that you're less than that. You're, only secure when your kids are here, that your only purpose is your kids, whatever those limiting thoughts and beliefs are, be willing to To dismantle them and let them go.

What if it's not true? What if those limits aren't, they're bullshit. Because they are. just being able to notice what those limits even are, like I said, sometimes we've been repeating them so long, or experiencing at the effect of those limitations for so long, that we believe that it's just part, it's fact.

It's the way of the world, but it's not. The only reason you've been at the effective at first so long is because you've been believing it. But this whole time it's been a mirage. so be willing to let go of that part of your identity and really all of your identity, like in the Buddhist culture, religion, , they talk about this a lot as being willing to dismantle and, let go of who you are.

And who you've been up until now is when you will find freedom. And I promise you, it is so true. the day that I became just willing, like I hadn't let go of it all yet, but I was willing , I was not invested anymore in that me and who I had been up until that man loved that me.

But I couldn't, it wasn't worth it anymore. The stakes were too high for me to keep investing in that me. That me had a lot of ideas that were really painful, The day that I was willing to let that go was the day that I freed myself. It feels so scary to do it. To say I'm just not gonna have these ideas, because they are my identity.

But they're not! especially the things that are harming you. You have to be willing to let it all go because your, your emotional brain. Your survival system will tell you that you need all of it. Your survival system is a hoarder an emotional hoarder.

So that's why you have to be willing to let it all go. Like every part of you go, just be willing. I'm not saying that you need to like a little bit culty, let yourself all go and turn into this new person. But you must be willing for your own self to just let it all dissolve. Like that one episode about the caterpillar, Let it all fall apart. Yeah, that one, you know, another one that would pair well with this is the CEO mindset that I did last about a year ago now, actually, but you have to , not want or need to hold on to any of the parts of you.

Because, like I said, your survival system is a hoarder and it will try to keep all the things. You know when you try to like get rid of your kiddos? Clothes or toys once they'd already grown out of them, but if you did it while they were in the house, it never happened. Everything went back in the toy bins and back in the closets, right?

They just threw them in a pile. They're like, don't get rid of that. It's the same thing with you and your emotional brain when it comes to letting stuff and habits and ideas and beliefs go, you have to just be able to like, take it all and say, I'm willing to let all of this go all of this ego all in one pile.

and Walk away from that. Just do it.

Like a bandaid , just rip it off.

It is a leap of faith, but I tell you that is the biggest baller leadership move that you can make. It changes everything and you will feel so free. The baggage, all of the weight is gone. And then you can choose what you want to incorporate back into your life, you know? But starting with knowing and trusting that you are the leader of your life.

For now and forever. And that means advocating for yourself in the best Most mindful ways, if there's something that you need to educate yourself about for follow somebody for a while or whatever that is, do that because you know that you're going to take those. Invest those, the information back into you and your life moving forward.

Make it all count, you know what I'm saying? Don't just listen to this podcast or whatever else that you're consuming just to hear it, just so that you can feel better. No, please, please take this up and implement it, develop a plan for yourself. Take one thing per each thing that you consume, like podcast, book, whatever, or chapter in a book, let's say, each day that you read.

Take one practice, principle, concept, whatever, and implement it into your life, like almost immediately. So really incorporate this stuff. Don't just be the consumer in your life. The passive doer massive, massive action in,

advocating for yourself in the best, most effective, impactful way for you and for your children and whoever else is out there that is waiting on you to lead them. Okay. They're out there right now, right now, as you're listening to this, you're the only one that can do it.

I don't know what you're doing still here. Get out of here. Go find them. Bye.