Drama, Defamation, & Scandal: Confronting Scrutiny As An Alienated Parent

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 85 stay tuned hey y'all number 85 it's only 15 episodes to the big one z0 seems crazy seems like I don't know was just 10 episodes like last week um today you guys I want to talk with you about scrutiny being misunderstood feeling misunderstood so it kind of has been a brewing for I mean since the episodes all of these started since I started this show um but and I had mentioned this to another fellow alienated mom recently who I know through Tik Tok that I would do an episode on this I'd done like the bullied episode before when you feel shaken that one but I thought at some

point I would definitely want to do when you're feeling harassed you know when you're being harassed so that one was one that I mentioned to her as well and then also this one feeling scrutinized feeling you know unfairly criticized which let me just say is not to be conf confused with being falsely accused I think I have to do one separate from that I feel like when we go into false accusations were really talking about a more of a legal matter and I want to keep this to how you handle yourself and how you move through to the other side of the adversity you face when people are talking [ __ ] about you basically last week if you guys heard that the special episode that came out

over the weekend me like retelling that story got me thinking about being back in that very Place back in 2017 what the turning point was I mentioned in that episode that it was like right at the start it was like the cusp of when I was getting ready to like start doing all the work I had been doing work I mean I was an adamant audible listener you know I listened to books nonstop especially while I was still with the other guy the Byron guy trying to get right with myself you know it takes so much before you finally break but there's so much curiosity and uncomfortability like shit's got to change where is it and you look within you start blaming yourself maybe it's me

because hello especially when you're with the narcissist you're like maybe it is me you know and so I had let my audible membership just expire out because I had collected I don't know like 10 extra credits over the years i' been a member since like 2011 or something maybe before that and um so I I hadn't had a membership probably since the beginning of the year this is not a paid promotion for audible by the way just saying but whatever you download while you got the subscription you keep those titles which is kind of nice to know I don't know that I ever knew that until this last weekend so I went back into my audible just by the ti alone you could tell what state of mind I was in

throughout the years right we're thinking all the way back from 2011 until what six months ago right it was really and I was an avid listen reader it was so interesting to me you know how like when you hear a song it takes you right back to that place and or that moment in time where you first heard it or whatever memory it is that stands out for you that's kind of what this audible book list did for me because I I I was I was trying to figure out at what point did the healing Journey actually start and how like what was it that spurred me and it was being so sick and tired of feeling singled out and scrutinized feeling unfairly unjustly hated on misunderstood was such a frustrating

thing for me you know know and I think so many humans in general they don't have to be going through something like this right but feel the same way and it goes all the way back to the Human Condition and how we are bred raised like it's in our DNA to want to be accepted into the group whether or not we want that group like for our own we want to know that we're welcome in any group and so when we're feeling scrutinized U misunderstood then your limic system tells you that it's an emergency that shit's not right that we have to get a back fight as hard as we can do whatever we can do to be accepted into whatever group it is that happens to be scrutinizing You by group

I mean even just one or two people right but it's in us this is just human nature the problem is there are some people out there that want to misunderstand us want to misunderstand you there are people out there that are not interested in the truth in your truth there are people out there that are looking for confirmation bias right evidence to prove what they want to believe or what they already believe and so also it was very convenient let me just say this really quick before I forget full disclosure is that yes the reason I wanted to bring this mess up for y'all is because we this is something we're constantly under right scrutiny criticism just being unfairly judged

gossiped about people take stories and then they run with them and before you know it it's a mean game of telephone and you have become Satan on a mission so there's that and I promis somebody that I would do this episode but also what really spurted along this weekend was like me going through and finding all that stuff it was like this perfect storm of thing but also there was an incident which I'm going to get to in just a little bit so just keep that in mind that I have my own situation of feeling scrutinized being misunderstood coming up so just hold that thought while I go through the rest so I found the one book that really really started my path to

self-empowerment actually when I looked at my that the library and saw this book there it reminded me of going on my hikes I lived in the Texas Hill Country as you guys probably remember me saying before and the hills in my neighborhood alone were just so steep like nothing you would think about Texas such steep crazy uh topography just it was a very hilly windy roaded neighborhood that I lived in with all the deer and all the things and I loved it but it took me right back to listening to Mark Manson's book a subtle art of not giving a [ __ ] and I developed myself this crazy little literary crush on this guy because not only did he just talk in such a matter

of fact who gives a [ __ ] sort of way but he made sense a lot of sense to me at the time in fact after that book I became part of his whatever he had this like Club maybe he still has it like this membership that you paid I don't know something like5 or $10 a month and you got like all of his private content was a subscription basically but I remember feeling like oh my gosh I'm part of Mark Manson's Club so silly but anyway I became an avid Mark Manson follower he really did that book is now I'm sure played out like and I've even listen to him more recently go back on or sort of challenge some of this the things that he said in that book but that book to me was full on

Liberation it was a very relaxed matter of fact look at life mistakes what people say and why it's important to not give a [ __ ] it was so freeing for me during a time where I felt highly scrutinized where I felt ostracized alienated isolated shamed publicly shamed shed and I was doing my own shaming so that book really really really helped me and then somewhere on my path to like in my Mark Manson club quotequote club I believe it was him or maybe it was just in that time frame I read and I forgot that I had that because this one wasn't in my library I had to redownload it and I started listening to it over the weekend because of the next thing I'm getting ready to

tell you and I was like wait a second I know this book like I full on know this book but this book the underlying message There is almost to a te what I share with you guys on the regular basis I think we in our healing on the way to becoming it feels you know clunky and it seems like these were such big ideas but when you've immersed yourself in it marinated in it and then started acting being it um you forget that there even is an it right that this is anything other than what you've always been does that make sense so and it's funny because when I was listening to this book again over the weekend it they suggested that so the book is based on I'm going to tell

you what the name of it is in a second is based on h a philosopher by the name of Adler and so Adler had once said at some point in the future it might be that people forget my name and if that is the case that is great because that means means that my ideas have become so mainstream I am paraphrasing here but have become so mainstream and so familiar that they're now accepted his ideas are now accepted as truths to many not just him right before Adler there was Freud and then Carl Yung came around the same time that Adler did so frud had one way of believing and Freud sort of believed there was always a source to whatever results or outcomes that you've had in your life like if you were

brought up poorly that's why you're the way that you are right now and that's the way that you're always going to remain kind of right and where Adler he was like we can change our state of mind anytime we want and that if we're not changing and if we're blaming it like the Freudian way right if we're blaming it on our upbringing or the fact that we have no resources or the abusive situations that we are in if we're basically having victim mindset then we're choosing that right it's a choice to act in Anger it's a choice to feel victimized and produce whatever results that you produce in your life and now I'm getting into a whole new episode but I just think it was amazing to me to see

really where it all started for me was basically this book that I forgot that I read back in the day and so the book is the courage to be disliked the courage to be disliked I'll link it below okay that book is basically a summary of what Adler believed we are social creatures and any problems that arise in the world in the that arise in your life are due to the way that we are acclimated socially any problem can be boiled down to a relationship that we yeah we are social creatures we do we need the community but also the way that we look at and treat our relationships how we should act shouldn't act we need to impress this person we cause other people's feelings all of that stuff is what

causes our problems today wanting to be accepted by others not blah blah blah so anyway I cannot recommend if you haven't read Mark Manson's the subtle art you go read it please go read or listen to it and then the other one the courage to be disliked is it's basically a conversation with this older gentleman who I believe is a philosopher or maybe he's a anyway and a younger like coming of age kid I don't know I'm going to guess around 18 it's a great setup for basically in my mind I think of it as like the teen voice his reasoning is sort of the naysayer that we all have in our own heads right of like yeah but and so that's what this teen is in this book constantly

questioning what the the older gentleman is trying to explain to him so it's a fabulous read and it does it makes so much sense with the way that we go about caring about what other people think one of the other Concepts that this book talks about also Adler in is what another person thinks of you if they like you if they dislike you the judgments of other people that is their task their business and not yours this is where I got this from and you guys hear me talk about that's their business that is their story it's whatever has gone on in their life up until today is why they have the judgments they have it's all about them and it is no concern of yours or mine whoever is being judged

right concerning ourselves with what they are thinking is a huge waste of time and I know it's so difficult to adopt and implement this concept because of what I already explained and what you guys I'm sure had already known about the fact that we want to be accepted and and even if we don't want to be in that group we want to know that we're welcome anywhere right we don't want to feel uh shunned disqualified judged by anybody it makes sense right so learning how to be okay with people not not liking us it is a challenge and I would argue and urge you to if that is your area of weakness like if that's a you have a really hard time with accepting when people don't like you or when they're

judging you I think that that's when you need to lean into it the most like if you are worried about which this was me too right back at this time frame which is why I think all of these books came about for me is that I wanted to make something of what had happened right of all of this disaster I couldn't take just feeling at the effect of these people anymore these people meaning you know the alienator and and even my the other ex you know I just couldn't take being so passive and having them pointing their finger at me and feeling like such addiction look my life I could not do it anymore couldn't but at the same time I felt so immobilized I felt like if I were to like for instance this

was came later but like say I was put it out there that I was a coach that I was coaching people I was sure that that was going to be cized I was going to be laughed at I was going to be judged I was so sure of it that I I stayed quiet just like I was doing about what was happening with my daughter I stayed quiet and I dared not speak because I was too afraid that I was going to be putting myself on The Chopping Block like just nailing myself up to this the bullseye the target you know like why would I do that that just seems like torture and the way I did it was fine but the best way to get over a fear is of course to go do that fear do the thing that you fear over and over and

over like exposure therapy until it's not a fear anymore um of course you want to do it in a way that's not you're not going to R traumatize yourself but yeah exposure therapy is the way to go basically um just little by little work yourself up to facing that adversity and then facing it radically become an expert at it become an expert at being scrutinized feeling scrutinized and let me just say be game be open to taking scrutiny so long as you're not also scrutinizing yourself that's the one like I think it's obvious but I also think it needs to be said there is a fine line between going all in and then going in with with them I guess just make sure that you're

treating yourself right no matter what you know that you know what's true for you also this weekend I was going down this deep dive I drove up to Orlando I went up to run some errands go to IKEA do what have you up there so I was listening over these books on the drive up there it takes me like two hours to get there and then driving around and then on the way home I stopped to get a coffee and headed back 2 and a half hours back whatever it was and I see on Instagram I had a notification that whoever somebody followed me whatever whatever this one stood out to me though because the person that followed me was this like PA inquiry whatever and I was like

what and so I went and clicked on it and I found that this person who followed me this woman is basically questioning whether parental alien is a thing or not now that was the most positive way to say what her stance is this was I think that's what her tagline is questioning parental alienation in quotes right and I go down and I look and she's got a video of me up there one of my YouTube videos and she was of course she had written all the things on top of it you know there were text on screen I didn't even really pay atten to it and I haven't really gone back there to see it and I haven't gone back there since but basically she was putting it up there to

criticize have other people criticize me and I thought huh that's interesting and so I didn't do anything I just let it be and it kind of sat in my head and I bounced it around and I was like like why you know what is she what what is her and goal here and of course I'm never going to really know that but I drove home and I didn't say anything about it and when I finally hit the house I thought you know I think it would be silly of me to not say something by the way I should also say that some of the comments I haven't gone back there but the comments were like she said something like Shelby Milford believes that reunification camps or blah blah blah are the right way to go

and I don't remember exactly what she said but basically just uh insinuating that I was a supporter of gardener and of pedophiles right and I did not choose to entertain the madness but I did make a comment um on on the post and I just basically said that she could be better she could be a better person and do better concentrate on things that matter things that uplift other women um in so many words right and I left it at that and then afterwards I had these comments and people tagging me and why don't you set the record straight do you is this what you believe in are you do you support pedophilia all of this stuff right and I just I haven't even bothered to go back

and look because to me it's exhausting it's exhausting and it's like there are some people as I said in the beginning that want to misund understand whatever they want to judge about you they've already made their minds up and so basically I've gone back and forth because part of me says well I don't see the harm in actually trying to set the record straight on the fact that PA is a thing and that the other what they're referring to people make false claims all the time and we're not telling people to stop saying the word rape right when people are making false claims against rape we're not doing part of me says this is a losing conversation to even go into but the other part of me

says it needs to be said because if not they take something and then may run with that I haven't really I haven't done anything about it and I've decided I'm not going to do anything about it until and I'm almost there I really am because as you can see I'm not super like riled up about it um I'm not taking it personally because I know what's happening there you know people that get into groups like haters basically that are in groups like this and this you can apply this what I'm sharing with you you can apply this to anything that's happening in your life right whether we're talking about the alienator we're talking about a group of moms or dads that's rare but you know what I'm saying

a group of people that are maybe members of the church or whatever that have ostracized you you see here you can apply it all but people that join together for the purpose of bashing another person it is a really fascinating Dynamic I think because they do it for the purposes of making themselves feel better there's obviously an agenda there I'm not going to assume for all people but there's an agenda there to prove whatever situation that they need to relieve themselves of in their life right but also too there's the sense of importance the Savior complex thing going on the feeling of recognition the need for adoration from others there's all of that happening in those groups the sense of

camaraderie that people feel when they all have the same purpose it can turn into I really don't like using the word toxic because it's infers the wrong thing here but the energy behind that the negative energy behind that is infectious and obviously not a good way but it creates so much momentum and it's really um to me it's very ugly and it's not um obviously not rooted in love right but not much good can come of it that energy to me for me is not worth going up against it's not worth my sanity there are some people that aren't worth reasoning with and I don't mean that their lives don't matter and they're not worthy just there are some arguments that aren't worth having and some people

that are not ready to receive any truth that you might have but I will say the power that people do generate by doing it in groups in order to hate on or to go against to call out other people imagine the people that are in that place I was kind of talking about this in the that one episode a while back about our unintentional hater mindset I did did speak a lot about this about some of the groups people in Reddit and how they all congregate together to just sort of bash each other or Bash one other kind of person whatever it's just hate begets hate ugly it generates more ugly more disease inside right and so if these people that hate on whatever they're hating on they they want to

pretend like they're calling somebody out they want to be more right than another group of people or another person that person's wrong and they want to scrutinize because they want to feel that sense of power and then again in numbers it feels so it's like a sick good feeling right but if you notice if youve ever been a part of a group of like even in middle school or something if you were like Yeah The Mean Girls group you know being like that you ever noticed that you have this like insatiable hunger to K somebody or to point something out or to get one over on them be better than that when somebody makes an account that's anti you and that is what they are thriving

on it does create some sort of it's like this negative momentum but imagine though that feeling is got to suck bad and it's like I don't want to look down upon them that just creates the same thing that they were creating we don't want to fight hate with hate right that's just creating more hate it doesn't solve anything to look down the nose and judge the people that are hating on you or that are being ugly or whatever unfair you know scrutinizing you does nothing for you to judge them back it only creates more of the same and so I guess my m message today is that people are going to want to misunderstand you they're going to want to find things to pull you apart

for is it ideal absolutely not but if you're allowing it to hold you back or to stop you from putting yourself out there you're only going to be affecting yourself negatively you're not saving yourself from anything except for maybe regretting not doing what has been in your heart the whole time right if you have the desire to to do something and you're not doing it because you're worried about what people are going to think even if it's just one or two people what are they going to say about me are they going to scrutinize me are they going to criticize me whatever I think this is something to to look at for you into you know with care and obviously if you have not dealt with it yet go

work with a therapist or a coach um but I say lean into it don't let other people scare you into staying quiet don't let other people decide for you what your message is or isn't don't let other people Muzzle you I think that's just so important because if we're constantly living our life based on what other people might say or might think or going to the extreme of that and trying to only please others you're not living your life for you you're living it for what you think other people want and that's no way to live you will regret every part of your life that's why people go through like midlife crisis is because they get to this time in their life where they thought that they would

have everything and they're like I have everything and now my life is meaningless well yeah it's meaningless probably because they've done everything that they thought they needed to do and they're like well that's I did everything my parents wanted me to do I did everything that my wife or husband wanted me to do I did everything that I thought was great for my kids but I never did anything that was actually meant anything for me you know and so that's why people start acting all weird because they're trying to find themselves and so if you are living your life scared of what people are going to say stop if you are only pleasing them and just doing what other people want you to

do then guess what people don't really know you for who you are and that really sucks because then you know on the inside well they don't really even know me so they like an imaginary me and I've been talking about this quite frequently too and then you get so far removed from yourself that you don't even remember who you are so if you've got a desire inside you and you something keeps coming back around to you like you want to do something whatever it is if you want to use your voice in some way my urging to you would be to at least explore it at least start digging around you don't have to go actually do the thing but start taking steps towards it until you can make the decision that you

want to make in the end don't ignore yourself there's another book um called is it big magic big magic I think it is um that talks about this very thing like she is it's very is Whimsical the right word she sees things in a fun way but I haven't read this since I was back in too but um she believes that when ideas come to you that they are like they come you need to seize the moment with your with the ideas because they have a a lifespan and a purpose each each idea that comes I love I like and I don't like that because also that get might make you feel like you um like provide it may invoke a invoke is that the right word a sense of scarcity and you like it has to happen

now or it's too late and I don't want you to get like that either cuz I don't believe in that that like there's only you only have one shot if you miss it you miss it I don't believe in that either but anyway then go that's another good book and that one I I feel like it's an easy read and that's a pretty quick read or listen the last thing I wanted to share with you is about people pleasing when you feel like you might be scrutinized you know and when you're living your life for somebody else and you're constantly like cons concerned with how other people are going to receive you it's actually it seems like your other Focus it's actually a really selfish way to do things hear me out I I

still do it today so I get you I understand in fact that was why for so long and I'm still working through it I have such a hard time doing Live Events because I'm constantly trying to uh interpret the the needs of those who are actually there live with me it's a lot easier for me to like just record like this because I don't feel like the pressure of somebody like needing me to stop or say something different at the right timing or whatever it is right so I get that you're like this but it's actually a really selfish way to go about living did you think it looks Noble that you're trying to serve other people and that's why you're concerned but actually by doing it you're really

worried about how they are experiencing you you hear me like you you can't experience other people and actually put your attention on them fully because you're too busy worrying about what their experience of you is not what they're experiencing but what their experience and thoughts are of you and so really it all boils down to you right so you can never actually be fully present for whoever it is in that moment that's why sometimes when we meet people for the first time or maybe the 10th time you'll have a hard time remembering their names people's names or like you know anything about the first time you had a conversation with them because you were you might have

been I don't want to say you were but you might have been very concerned with how you were presenting in their mind isn't that interesting and so then you can't actually be there to experience your life and other people the way that we are supposed to when we're in community with them when we could be connecting with them on a deeper level than what they're interpreting superficially about you you know so people are going to scrutinize people are going to be people gon to be [ __ ] and just if you can remember that the reason that they're doing it has everything to do with what they want to believe because of what their story is about their own self and their own

upbringing and whatever is going on with them this lady that I'm talking about that has this you know Al alienation inquiry whatever the mission there is to debunk and give a bad name to parental alienation so why am I going to expect that these people are going to hear what I'm going to say what I could say and I might still say I might actually put it out there but oh this is what I wanted to tell you is that if and when you ever go to quote unquote set somebody straight when you go to speak your truth I think it's very important that you are not attached to needing them to hear you to needing them to change their opinion about you because it will rarely happen people

have many times and I don't mean to say this in a negative way but many times they've made up their mind about you I do believe though that words can be little seeds planted again so long as you're not trying to control their opinion of you because you will waste dream the life the energy out of you if you're making waves if you're out there if you are sharing you and what is truly inside of you your beliefs without the intention of hurting anybody you're doing it mindfully people are going to disagree with you and I think the more that people push against you the more proof for yourself that you're showing up that you are being courageous and vulnerable taking a stance and sharing the

authentic genuine you and that is what matters in this world be you be who you are I'm sure you hear this you've been hearing it probably since you were in kindergarten but I'm going to say it again who you are nobody else can do nobody on this Earth can be you and all the the information that I give you guys I'm not Reinventing the wheel here right I'm not there's nothing new that I'm telling you guys it's just my interpretation of it but you guys come to listen to it because you know it's coming from a genuine place you know it's authentic it's real if I was always worried about how I was going to be received which I you guys know that I do and I overe explain myself and I'm not

sure sometimes but if that held me back from speaking my truth from releasing these episodes I would be in a much different place than I am right now emotionally and this podcast probably wouldn't be working out if I was scared to take a stance right we are also scared of being scrutinized publicly shamed humiliated cast aside away ostracized but the more that you become you like become confident and secure and and broadcasting you out to the world the more confidence you have in yourself the more that you show up and you do it with pride and um self assuredness the more that like you build more of that momentum right and the more people that you will attract that are like you so

haters going to hate they're going to hate you don't need to join in oppose them or set them straight you don't need to cower down or shy away from or change your direction your goals none of that you just keep going on keep doing what you're doing if that's what's in your heart you know I think honestly when people do push back on whatever message you have like I take that as I'm doing it right I'm doing something right I think the push back too makes life more interesting it makes life sometimes not in the best way but honestly that's what keeps us questioning what it is that we believe and how we show up you know for me it sharpens me this lady questioning what I had to say it made me

like think about it for a second wait do I agree with all what I'm saying here and I it like had me renew my confidence and assurance Ness and conviction about what I stand for and for that reason I mean thank you parental alienation inquiry lady you know uh it's okay it's going to happen I'm all right with it and if here's the other thing too and this is the last thing I'm going to say and then I'm going to go is that these people she included were posing questions to me and out there like sort of thought-provoking anger inducing sort of questions provocative questions right that if they really wanted to know the answers they are all here they're all here you know all they

had to do was lift up a paper here listen to an episode there you know it's all here I'm an open book so me to me part of me says like why do I need to go re-explain myself it's all here here and I want for you guys to believe that too about you you know if we're talking about going to court and your kid and protecting yourself against these false accusations like I said in the beginning this is something different and we can address that in a in a different episode but when we're talking about somebody creating drama about who you are and what you stand for and how bad of a parent you are how good whatever it is you know the drama [ __ ] and you feel scrutinized and it just hurts you know

what I'm saying this is what I'm talking about here the need for them to like you is in the DNA is in just who we are as humans but when you recognize why it's there and what your goals are and that what their objectives probably are then it sort of puts everything into perspective and yeah don't let them stop you okay don't Silence Yourself don't let them silence you my my biggest thing and you guys have heard me say this over and over and over again is never act or don't act because you're fearful for me if you are fearful then that is more reason to do it so if you're scared of what people have have to say about you or what they're going to say what they're going to think your lmic system

will tell you it's a life or death situation that you're going to die I mean you may not think that with this part of your brain but your lyic system will sure tell you that like it will be the end of the world like d d d but it's it's not I promise you and if that's your biggest fear then you best lean in go take a public speaking class or do something where you're putting yourself in front of people and speaking your message okay the world needs your voice all right you guys I love you bye