17. Your Inner Critic & How To Get Things Accomplished Anyway

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 17. stay tuned

welcome to Beyond The High Road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grace of alienation I'm your host Shelby Melford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth I'm also a Target parent who felt like my identity in this world left me on the very same day that my sweet child did after hitting my emotional bottom I devoted the next six years to research and personal growth using proven Concepts based heavily in neuroscience and psychology I developed my own playbook for reintegrating with life and reframing my role as my daughter's mother in the midst of living apart from her I went from feeling agonized helpless and directionless to feeling

energized confident and most importantly at peace today I get to help other parents like you to do the same if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned well hello everybody before I forget I just want to let you know that this weekend this past weekend I was when I was organizing everything and getting the email to go to the right place with this new website I found a whole mess of emails that I never knew existed that came in since November 30th I believe all the way until this last week coming from so many of you that were expressing gratitude and also asking questions and asking for some support

I just received them and I felt like oh gosh the feeling in my belly oh anyway that's not what I want to bring attention to what I want to say is that this weekend I spent Saturday I believe it was writing everybody back so if you've written me and you did not receive an email back I've responded to everybody that I saw this past weekend but if for some reason your email or your like contact form if you went onto the website you know and filled anything out and you have not received a response from me I am deeply sorry I'm not sure what I can't even explain to you what happened but if you did write to me and you didn't receive a response this last Saturday I'm deeply deeply sorry and in

no way shape or form did I will I ever intend to ignore or disregard anybody's email so just know that and I see you I hear you I read all of your emails this weekend and I am so touched from the bottom of my soul that you guys have trusted me as much as you have to reach out to me and ask for my guidance and my support thank you thank you so much for trusting me I mean that it gives me validation and tells me that what I'm doing is it just gives me encouragement to keep going as I'm saying this please know that I'm also very sensitive to what you guys are going through and of course I wouldn't never wish any of these things to be happening with you guys right but I'm so glad that I you

know I'm here um helping and if I didn't answer your email if you're not completely pissed off at me please just drop me a line and let me know so that I can try to figure out what has happened and do better in the future okay so that was my first order of business and most important I think also it is the last week before I do the drawing for the free month to the new program which also conveniently starts a week from today on February 1st so if you have no idea what I'm talking about then here's the deal if you review the podcast within the next week your name be entered into the drawing and I will pick a name there's only three names in there right now so it's the chances are

very good and thank you to all of you that have have already reviewed thank you very much not only do I love reading them and find them encouraging and of course my ego loves them but also each one of your reviews helps other parents like us find us so it's like a win-win for everybody the chances are very good that you could win the free month so moving along it is Wednesday when I'm recording this usually I like to record these a couple days beforehand and then do the editing you know when I can and the idea to begin with is to release episodes on early early Thursday morning but lately I've just been trigger happy and just letting them go when I'm done

editing them on Wednesday afternoons and this is probably what I'll do again today but I'm recording today as well so because I have been slammed with getting this program ready for you guys very excited about it I'm sure you're like okay we've heard about it but that's okay I'm still going to tell you that I'm very excited because I do believe it's going to be life-changing for all of us me too this is a first for me putting together a whole membership program and I tell you I didn't intend for this to happen but so the topic for today is inner critic and I tell you that in doing a whole program a membership like this that I've never done before I have encountered my inner

critic just so you guys know too I think probably some of you may think that because I'm a coach and because this is my job that I am immune to having the negative thinking and self-doubt or the tendency to want to react to negative toxic situations if you will and we're putting air quotes around the toxic but yeah so people tend to think that I you know just don't have the reactions or I don't have the inner critic and let me just tell you I do I do I do I have all of the same knee-jerk first you know human reactions I just don't always act on them anymore I just have the tools to manage my mind around it right and that they're the same tools that I offer you

guys so with practice and with diligence is how out I was able to sort of start to make that my default like I'll catch myself a lot quicker than I ever used to but I still hear my inner critic anyway so during making this membership and putting everything together and recording the videos I think I told you last week that I had somebody building this for me and doing some of the editing and stuff like that and then I switched gears and decided maybe it's the control freak in me but decided I was going to do it all myself which was I've been questioning my decision about that for the last week or so this is a lot more work but in doing the editing and in making the videos and what have

you and writing some of the the programs I've definitely been questioning myself I hear this Negative Nancy you know popping up now and again not now and again more now than again or whatever that is so not only is it a relevant topic for me to bring up I figured that it might be useful for you guys to you know hear about too because we all have one so the things that I think are really helpful to know about your inner critic is one the best thing that you can do is become aware that your inner critic is not you it's a it's a part of the committee up there in your brain well I like to think about it as like a committee up there but separating yourself from it is an important

distinction for you like becoming very aware like telling yourself reminding yourself oh right this is this is not me this is the inner critic and the inner critic sounds very as I think this is obvious but the inner critic sounds very you know condescending and questioning and questioning in the way that's like negative right like oh you're not going to do that are you you're not gonna wear that out of the house right because you can't you look fat in that do I look fat you know that kind of talk right and so like I like to think about some people think well how do I know whether that's like if it's my inner critic or if that's me being wise like I'm being

smart by thinking about these things in advance right like the cautious inner wisdom right and you can tell the difference between the two because one if you get like real quiet and think about it like be with it for a minute you can usually tell that you feel differently if you feel condescended right if you feel it just reminded me of what movie is that don't condescend me man I think it's oh it's true romance with Brad Pitt he's like a cameo well before I mean he wasn't even famous yet anyway sorry I'm back on task if you feel like you're being talked down to or that you're you feel like you know a little kid in trouble then you know that that is your inner critic right the negative

self-talk that is not necessarily helpful so and also I think that the critic side sounds more urgent right it sounds like more rushy it sounds more like rash you know in the way that it's talking it just sounds more punishing in the inner wisdom is gonna sound more calm and loving secure not worried about what others are thinking that is super important right is to remember that that if if the voice inside of you is like oh people are gonna laugh at you or they're gonna think blah blah blah this is your inner critic okay and it's usually not helpful okay encouraging yes discouraging no it's kind of like the difference between same but different between self-pity and self-compassion

now self-pity has you looking down right and self-compassion may kind of seem the same but it has you looking up right and you know on the inside sometimes on the outside too but self-compassion is more like we're doing this and and self-pity is like why is this happening to me right it's the same thing with you know the inner critic in your inner wisdom you'll know the difference by how it feels in the tone okay and so the encouraging words obviously we want to hold on to and listen to so having the awareness I think is key right this is the first step to managing your end credit okay Discerning who is what right is this a helpful voice is this not a helpful voice this is serving me is it

not okay and then the second part of it is like having speaking of compassion having compassion and curiosity versus having resistance or judgment okay in the case where you're having this inner critic it inner critical Academy I mean like I said it was happening this this whole past week with my with my with this program that I'm writing but it happens when I'm busy a lot too like when I'm cleaning I told you you shouldn't have done that you should have done blah blah blah it's like when I'm like ruminating about stuff it's always I told you you shouldn't or you shouldn't do this oh you better be aware of this that's the inner critic right and so what I like to

do is with compassion and curiosity I actually like to add a little sense of humor to it too but I have to remember first that my inner critic is only trying to protect me when I view it that way then the whole mood sort of lightens up right like they just don't know any better it's okay your inner critic is coming from the lower part of your brain the more emotional part of your brain right that is trying to keep you safe keep you alive keep you safe and keep you in the cave so if we just remind ourselves and have like bring in your prefrontal cortex and just say oh right this is my inner critic trying to protect me and then so you assume that it's it's doing that and then

acknowledge all right cool it's trying to protect me but it doesn't have to be driving the bus like you got a whole bunch of kids in the back of the bus right all different parts of your brain all different voices an inner critic does not need to be in the driver's seat does not need to be the bus driver okay put the inner critic in the back it's fine that he's coming along but maybe you your prefrontal cortex that's who we want to drive the drive the bus okay that's kind of how I do like to picture it that way I think it's more fun for me it lightens things it also brings the more playful side of me out so that I'm not so Debbie Downer on myself I like to give my inner critic a role like a

personnel right like somebody that I know likes to think about her like girl I know another coach like a Magda right that smokes cigarettes and it eats bon bons on the couch and it's like don't do that you know with like the raspy voice and has curlers in her hair and a old house robon sort of thing that's her inner critic it's got a name for her and everything I have another friend that calls her in her critic Helga it's funny there's nothing wrong with either of these names in fact I have friends with both of these names German but Helga is more brute to her anyway those are just a couple examples but you know you can give them like a whole character and

even assigning a name to it I think it helps to like soften the blows when they're so critical of you you know it's like a little pet name sort of like we were talking about last week but on a much lighter note right and so when you do that it's like you're I've talked about this before you're acknowledging it you're acknowledging like that four-year-old part of it the toddler part of it and so you already sort of pacify it right okay it's here you know the critic is here she's telling me he's telling me that I'm not good enough they can think that and I can acknowledge it and you know Magda Jim whatever you want to call your inner critic whatever that personality Persona

is for you they can think that and that's okay but I know they're just trying to protect me right and I also know that they can have that opinion and they don't have to be driving the bus they don't have to be making decisions for me right because we know when we make decisions out of like this sort of self-loathing voice we don't end up with the result that we want so basically it's just knowing that like acknowledging it becoming aware that your inner critic is not you coming at it with compassion and curiosity allowing it to allowing your inner critic to be there without resisting or judging it or judging yourself and maybe giving it a name and a character a whole

role and reminding it the critic in yourself that you get to call the shots right that you're Drive in the bus that you are the one that's in charge of this cruise ship they're all vehicles right now yeah also there's a couple other tips that help me to sometimes my inner critic like this week especially has been telling me this is too hard what were you thinking like you can't do this in this amount of time you know you didn't give yourself enough time and it was telling me all of these negative things and so in those moments I just had to also be prepared with an answer from my inner critic and that was for me it was like it's supposed to be hard this is not supposed to be easy if it

was easy you know what I'm trying to get done these tasks then it probably wouldn't be worth it and I know that at the end of this come February 1st when launch day is here the sigh of relief and this sense of accomplishment I'll have will be worth all of it right and knowing that you know we're starting something that's going to provide so much relief and resource for for people like me and you out there that's that's what it's all for it's worth it right so it's just reminding the inner critic and reminding myself that just because that part of me is saying that it's too hard and I can't do it doesn't mean that I have to stop right it doesn't mean that you have to stop what

you're doing this is what keeps so many of us in a standstill in the same you know space for years and years and years right and if we just do what we know which is what the inner critic and the back part of your brain would like you to do it wants you to stay in familiar territory but if you just do what you know you're only going to get what you already have what you've already had for years and I know you don't want that right you want to evolve you want to grow you want to do new things you want to you know become the better version of yourself right I'll see what you probably wouldn't be listening to this podcast so reminding yourself in the moment that it's it's okay if it's

difficult and you're you know that party view is going to say oh you can't do it you can just say yeah thank you for your opinion it's noted but it's not helpful and we know different I know different I know that I can do it I can do anything that set my mind to you know you're a human with a human brain and that's like the most powerful thing in the world and if you can think it if you can imagine something then you have the ability to actually do the thing that I know so just giving yourself a pep talk in those moments when the inner critic sounds loud right and sounds like it's you know it'll say things like you can't you can't can't do this what were you

thinking it's not possible in those moments yes it is possible I imagined it if I can imagine it it's doable and if anybody can do it I can do it right or it'll tell you too that you're not qualified what were you thinking you're not qualified or it'll tell you it'll be sneaky and be like you just need more qualifications you just need because then what it wants you to do to stay in familiar territory is to go do more passive work right to go do something sort of on the sidelines where you're consuming more information as opposed to doing the thing that you haven't done before you've consumed information before right you've gone to school or whatever it is that you're doing for you

right like you've done you've done the the passive action right that it's comfortable with it's not comfortable with the doing the big action so in those moments remind yourself that just because it's difficult doesn't mean that you're not supposed to do it in fact that means that you in my mind when it's difficult that's exactly what you should be doing because that means growth if it's difficult this means growth always always always so remind yourself that too and if you're finding it difficult just know that nothing's wrong with you you're just learning you're just moving past like you're pushing past a threshold right you're pushing past you're growing and so just be your own

cheerleader basically but also acknowledge that that inner critic I think that's important the resisting it and the judgment on it or on yourself is what will keep you stagnant so just like loving it with you I think I was talking about in one of the episodes about you know bringing one of the neighborhood pain in the butt kids along with you like in the carpool or to the amusement park or whatever or inviting the annoying friend along to the party same thing just expect it to be with you you just don't always don't have to listen to it all right guys that is all I have for you today if you have been liking what you hear then I would love if you would rate and review and also if you want to

do more work specific to your situation then come join us for the membership it starts on February 1st to get the early bird lock in at the 97 a month you can cancel at any time no fuss about it and this is where you're really going to be able to apply these Concepts that I teach and talk about to your specific situation so that you can get out of the rut that you might be in and move through to a place where you are creating a life that you like and even love even while experiencing the grief of alienation so if you're feeling stuck and you're ready to start thinking and acting and feeling a different way about your life so that you're not just existing

I'm telling you you won't regret it and what do you have to lose I mean 97 isn't a tiny amount you know for especially for some and maybe not for others but the investment is what gets you going this is sort of like I was saying with it being worth it or not like the investment in your time and your effort and even sometimes financially this commitment to yourself is what produces results like if there's nothing on the line you're investment wise time wise vulnerability wise or financially then we Studies have proven that we don't get the results that we want we don't commit to ourselves but when we do when we put something on the line that's when we start doing the work and that's when we

see the massive results so you deserve it you deserve this for yourself we're going to have a really great time in there I just wanted to say too if some of you are hesitant to do to it because you are thinking that you're shy or you don't want to be on blast and you don't want to be coached in the spotlight just know that I will never ever make you do anything you don't want to and you don't have to be seen if you don't want to be you know visually okay I think that might be worth it to offer that to you guys so that you know I know the fear of the unknown I know that and I also respect everybody's privacy so you would still get so much out of this program

without ever having to come on and get coached if that's what you you know if you don't want to do that if you're not comfortable with that that's totally fine so there's so much more to the program than just that okay that's all I'll say I will talk with you guys next week okay

thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyondthehighroad.com see you soon