One YEAR!! You guys... just a few short years ago, I would I have never put money on myself to be sitting here recording this episode.. after 52 straight weeks prior. I've had this episode topic on the calendar for a while now, but the feel of it has morphed a bit...

Over the weekend, while uploading the FIRST episode into the Private podcast, I found some old audio files on my desktop. They must've been from back in 2015. Whew. They were recordings of me drunk, with my ex... right after my baby girl left. Y'all... I was a mess. An ABSOLUTE basket case. And, to add insult to injury, this guy that I stuck myself with... was so abusive. I feel so sad for that girl. I was hurting. BOY.. Was I HURTING. My heart aches just writing this thinking back on where I was.

 I was so desperate. But EQUALLY prideful. I spent so much energy trying to shut out the darkness of alienation efforts that I lost site of my true purpose. Which was parenting the love of my life. I can honestly say now, that although I'm pretty certain their efforts wouldn't have let up; my biggest mistake was wanting to evade my own shame - by pretending things weren't happening/ not addressing or advocating for my OWN self in the most impactful way.

Thus far, I haven't really shared with you how it all happened for me. And I dont know that — on the whole — it's all that important for the kind of message that I deliver. But, it might be helpful for some of you to identify aspects that are similar to your own stories. Sometimes I believe that this can be key in aiding the process of healing. So long as there's a takeaway from the story, and we're not just bashing the other side... you know?

So.. I'll share a story with you about how it all went down. Or at least what brought on the final lawsuit (from my perspective, anyhow).

I returned back to Texas after getting married to... let's just call him Byron. The following morning, I dropped my sweet babe off at school, and on the drive back, checked my messages. A nurse from Dell Children's called, asking to schedule her for pre-surgery prep (bloodwork, etc). I was confused... So, when I called, I found out that her father (or SM) scheduled her to have her birthmark on her knee removed. I was livid.

When she was born, while Im on the operating table, her father said "we can get that removed" I hadn't even seen her yet. E-Csection. I looked at him like he was crazy, and dismissed it.

Back to the present moment: even tho I was pissed, I thought.. "Shelby, pick your battles". There was another similar incident a few years prior, and I knew what would come of me going against him.

So, after thinking about it for the afternoon, I called the nurse back to find out about the details (local or general, how long would she be under, crutches brace, how long out of school, activities, etc). My neighbor across the street was a PA, and she worked in surgery, so I went over to ask her what she thought. She was like HELL NO. I would never put my child under GA at this age. She can wait until she's 15. It just so happened, that her partner also lead surgeon at the surgery center that my daughter was scheduled. So I rushed in for a 2nd opinion. The doctor confirmed that it wasn't needed. It was purely cosmetic. Boy, was I anxious. I didn't WANT to have to move any waves.

Not knowing how to respond, I sat on it for a couple days. Her father still had not disclosed the upcoming procedure (end of week). When I finally did confront him (2 days before surgery) he told me that he'd taken all the steps.

I requested doctor's records, long story short, I received said records on the morning of surgery. He had not. So... nervous as hell, my neighbor standing behind/encouraging me the whole way, I stopped the surgery. She kept repeating to me "you're not saying 'no', you're just saying 'not now'."

Needless to say, it was a SCENE in the doctors office. Id been waiting in another room, and while I was sharing my thought process with my ex MIL, he came in and said "LAWYER UP, bitch".

To this day, I'm still astonished at the lack of perspective/audacity on his side of things. I mean, this was her health. And then what were they teaching her about how she was made? That she could just cut out imperfections to look beautiful? She was GORGEOUS just how she was.

I left that office feeling entirely uneasy. Like hell was going to break loose.

And it did. About 5 weeks later, I noticed I was being followed. Then I was served. This was just one of two major examples of when I tried to advocate for her safety. The other one didn't end great either. I wanted to get counseling ordered in exchange for extra time in the summer for him, and her father refused. Which ended up in a lot of backlash socially. They started going after my friends, allies. My ex actually pursued and befriended the mother of my husband at the time (who later, would testify against me. I'm not entirely sure on her exact wording, but I remember her suggesting that my ex had become like a son to her). T'was...Flabbergasting.  

My point is, anytime I acted to protect her, I got punished. And when I got punished, I got scared. And when I got scared, I stuck my head in the sand. I numbed.

Like... I did the deed of showing up and advocating for her and what I believed to be right for her on surgery day, and it did me in. Now I had to pay the price. And that price would be roughly $100k in legal fees, and other "solutions".

Id used all of my willpower to protect her from having the surgery, that when it came time for the long race, I didn't have the skill. So I crumbled.

The guy I was with was probably the worst person to continue to choose during this disaster. The lawsuit came about in March, and by May, well, technically June, she was gone.

There's much more, but maybe another time.. it's just too long of a story. As I'm sure yours is the same.

I tell you this story to illustrate where I was then, and how I was too afraid to look at my own faults. I was terrified of being shamed. I refused to let them do the shaming. I couldn't bear to see her smug face in another hearing. or watch her throw on the off broadway production in the courtroom and act like I was the disgusting & terrible mom. So what happened? By running the other way, not facing the parts of my life that I needed to up level, I actually ensured that my fears would all come to fruition.

Back then I was frightened by how they could hurt me. I was really good at doing it for others, but As I touched on a few minutes ago, I didn't know how to advocate for myself. I told myself that I couldn't face the alienation without a crutch. I told myself that other moms drank as much if not more than I did, and their kids were home with them... Why should I have to change? I wouldn't be drinking/or even want to drink if it weren't for the constant pressure I felt coming from them.. the berating emails, the badgering and bullying.. I mean, lets just call it what it was : the harassment..

I told myself that I wouldn't ever be able to find another partner who would put up with this level of crazy... that this custody situation would never end, and that they were baggage that I would carry forever. Who wanted to volunteer for this hell?

So I remained with the abusive guy that would aide in the demise of my relationship with my daughter.

I allowed the situation to define who I was. I allowed it to have an effect on my perceived worth.

Today, I look back on that version of me and I feel so sad. I actually wantto go back and shake me (lovingly, of course).

Things Ive learned Since then

1. I am worth more than rubies, and so are you. (a couple years later, I would make a maplewood chest for my daughter. one of the things I painted on it was this. Back then, I believed it to be true for her, but not me. In fact, I remember painting it and shaming myself). Today, I fully know how infinitely perfect I am.

2. Sometimes I suck. And that's perfectly fine. I think we all do at times. But when we're able to love the suck, this is when the suck becomes your asset. Embracing the suck — not in self deprecation — but w/ humility and dignity is empowering, and also kind of relieving. I think embracing it allows you to find use for it.

   a. I am stubborn.. and although I haven't fully harnessed it, that stubbornness can be used for resilience.

   b. I can be overly ladeedah.. in many applications. This can cause a domino effect in my productivity.

   c. I am impatient with others.

   d. I'm still inclined to find shortcuts to tasks when I know that I'll pay in the long run. Lazy? IDK, I choose to see it as efficiency-minded, but...😉

    

   e. I have a pretty "big" personality, and have heard that I can be a lot to handle at times. When I'm being my true self, I do not naturally blend into the crowd, even when I desperately want to.   

3. Talking about the issue causes you to have authority over it. Throughout this last year, Ive found out just how true this is. It used to be that sitting down to write about it would cause me to enter trauma response after trauma response. But there are tools jot emotionally regulate.

4. Just because you think it, doesn't make it a true. QUESTION EVERYTHING. You do not have to believe the things your mind tells you. This seems so DUH. but I had no idea.

5. Just because it's true, doesnt mean you have to think it.

6. Defining who you are means you must also define who youre NOT. Which can bring up some fear. bc if you make it known, then it can feel like youre up on a podium — NAKED. which leads me to #6

7. Being different doesn't make you less relevant - It makes you relatable to your ride or die people. And those are the ones you want to stick with.

8. Putting yourself out there for what you believe is worth the risk. Listen, even in the case of my daughter. I dont know if id ever be able to sit with myself if I hadn't done my best to advocate for her. My regret isn't there. My regret is how I handled advocating for myself.

9. Stress does not have to be a bad thing. If you listened to the recent episode on stress, you know that its not the stress that causes issue.. its what you believe about the stress

10. Helping others is where its at for healing and normalizing pain.

11. Bonus⭐️: Cliche, but rolling with the punches is the only way to live a productive life and experience it to the fullest.  This means that the bad stuff doesn't ever really stop coming, you just get good at experiencing your emotions; enabling you to grow/evolve through the lessons.