To Gift Or Not To Gift? Modeling Unconditional Love As An Alienated Parent

To Gift or Not to Gift: Modeling Unconditional Love as an Alienated Parent

Navigating the emotional terrain as an alienated parent often presents unique challenges, especially around special occasions like birthdays and holidays. One question that frequently arises is: should I gift my child something during these times? As we explore this topic, it is vital to remember the core concept of unconditional love and how it plays a fundamental role in parenting choices.

Gifting and Unconditional Love

Gift-giving can be a complex and often tangled web of emotions and expectations. Many parents find themselves questioning whether their presents will be cherished or simply set aside. The key is to reflect on your motives for gifting. Are you doing it in anticipation of love in return, or as an expression of your unconditional love?

Unconditional love should be free from expectations. It's about giving without demanding or needing something in return. As a parent, your love was evident from the moment you cradled your child as a newborn, giving of yourself with no expectations. Similarly, unconditional gift-giving should come from the heart, aiming to support the child’s own desires and growth.

Consider Your Motives

Understanding the reasons behind your choice to give or not to give is crucial. If the decision arises from a place of wanting validation or reassurance of your child's love, it might lead to an unhealthy cycle of expectation and disappointment. Instead, gift if it aligns with your values and supports the other person’s desires for themselves, not for how you wish to see them.

For instance, a symbolic gift like a scrapbook filled with childhood memories can be a heartfelt gesture showing love and care. This act of giving can break the mold of transactional relationships where gifts are exchanged for expected behaviors or signs of appreciation.

The Impact of Gifting as an Act of Love

When done with pure intentions, gifting becomes a powerful way to model unconditional love. It shows your children how to give without strings attached, teaching them the value of generosity and compassion.

However, remember to stay within your means. Gifting should not put a financial strain on parents. The value of your love is not measured in material costs but in the thought and emotion invested in the gesture. A homemade quilt or a simple, heartfelt letter can have more lasting emotional impact than any store-bought gift.

Lessons in Unconditional Love

One way to foster a practice of unconditional love is by reflecting on moments when love was first given without expectancy. Consider how love for your child manifested when they were too young to reciprocate. This same love, void of conditions, can be extended into their adolescence and adulthood despite any current challenges in your relationship.

When a child's behavior becomes challenging, especially in their teenage years, it is important to resist the urge to withdraw your love. Though it may feel natural to recoil when rejected or hurt, sustaining your love through these times without projecting expectations can create a stronger, more resilient connection.

Conclusion: A Journey of Love

The decision to gift or not to gift is deeply personal and subjective, reliant on each parent's circumstances and emotional state. The true essence of gift-giving is expressing love and support for your children's highest versions of themselves. By doing so, you model unconditional love that transcends situations or attitudes, creating a legacy of love and understanding that your children can carry forward in their own lives.

As an alienated parent, the journey will have its unique hurdles, but the path can be navigated with grace through unconditional love and intentionality in your actions. Even if you face misunderstandings or distance, the underlying message remains: love is abundant, infinite, and yours to give freely.

 

Episode Transcript

You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 111. Stay tuned. Hey guys, what's the halfs two I just said, Hey, you guys and I, the dog. The dog down here. A little Murphy just went running to the door. . anyway, today we are gonna be talking about to gift or not to gift.

That's how this originally started. the topic, um, because this is like such a popular question. like I am going to do a holiday episode, probably next week, probably, a survival guide for the holidays, like what to do, what not to do, how to make your holidays easier. but this one I wanted to dedicate separately because I do have a lot of thoughts about it. And I never really dedicated a full episode to it. So it is going to be about gift giving, um, giving of yourself and unconditional love.

I want to let you know ahead of time that I have in mind, those of you who like , the parents that I think have the most trouble with whether or not to give gifts are those with.

Kids who are like in preteen, teen years, and then of course into adulthood, The parents with toddlers and what have you, I don't think so much have this problem. . So if that's you, if you have a toddler and this isn't a problem for you, then still hang on because this episode is going to be about unconditional love and your feelings about anybody in your life and feeling, giving love.

to those around you, so it will be for everybody, but just know that when I'm speaking about the gift giving that I have, um, the parent in mind that's, maybe feeling a little bit bitter or unsure of themselves.

unsure how the gifts are going to be received. Okay,

I hear this question a lot. Should I gift my kids something? I see it on Reddit. What do I send them for graduation, for Christmas, for whatever other holiday around the holiday season? birthdays, what have you, and then, of course, it's what to give, right? A lot of parents are concerned about, um, Whether it's even being received by their children or not, if it's just being thrown in the trash, for me, my biggest concern, and you probably heard this around my daughter's birthday, um, I was just picking at a card and I went into a whole self judgment.

like I was very concerned and caught up with how it was going to be received, right? How my card that I was choosing to give was going to be received on the other side. A lot of parents, get caught up in.

making sure that it's received in the way that you intend it to be received And let me just right off the bat I know that you guys know this but you can't control that like and and I I needed this just as much as and maybe you need it today. It's that we cannot control that.

And now I just assume that it's very highly possible that it's going to be poo pooed you know, especially from like the stepmom or even dad, there's going to be a passive aggressive snide comment about the quality or the whatever. Right. I just assumed that now, which. I still sometimes have to manage my mind around because then it can take you to a place that moves you entirely away from the whole point of gift giving to begin with.

 

And that's really what I want to bring you guys back to is to gift or not to gift is highly subjective. It really just depends on what you feel this year, this moment in time for the whole situation. Right? If you and I were sitting in front of each other, I could help you figure that out, like locate your specific thoughts and limitations, right?

Like reasons why you wouldn't do it. And then we could decide together. I could help you come up with your best decision, right? But as a blanket statement, whether you give or not really depends on why why are you choosing to give in this moment, if that's what you're doing?

Why are you choosing not to give? If those reasons are based on anything outside of you, like as far as, I want to give because I want them to love me back, or I don't want them to think that I don't love them. I don't want the other parent to think that I'm not parenting, If that is where the concern is,

it's going to be a long road ahead of you. , your mind is going to end up fucking with you the whole time. So instead, why am I doing this? Is this something that I want to do because I am showing up in love, unconditional love for whoever I am gifting. And in this conversation, you're your kiddo, right?

Or kiddos. Unconditional love, as you guys, I'm sure know, let me look at the definition,

unconditional love is, it's actually not in the dictionary because it's a term and I just now realized that. Um, but it's a type of love that's given freely without conditions or expectations And without regard for how it will benefit the giver. When we're giving something, we're giving something coming from the love that we have in our heart because we want to add to them, right?

Whoever we're gifting to, we're giving because we want to encourage it. The highest version of them in their eyes, right? It's not the highest version that we want for the person, right? Like that just reminded me of like the parents that really want their kids to get a law degree, right? And become attorneys.

And so they start gifting them law books or trips to go to colleges that have the best law schools. That's not actually a, uh, a gift of unconditional love, unless the kid actually wants that for themselves too, because they want it for them. And it's not about impressing the parent, right?

So we always want to be giving from a place of thinking about how it will support the other person and their desires for themselves, like their highest desires for themselves, not based on what really deep down we want for them.

Does that make sense? So sometimes like our kids don't know what's best for them, and we can either say that we know what's best for them because of the stories that we have and impose that on them. For instance, like I was talking about with the law degree, whatever, right? That's what you think might be the best because it would save them a lot of trouble and they would make money and then they wouldn't have to go through what you went through or whatever, right?

But that's not maybe what's actually in the child's best interest. Oh, that's, uh, when I said that, that's like a quote unquote triggering word. So like, maybe for like the most, um, unconditionally loving gift that you could give the child in this case is, uh, like a book or resources to all the colleges, if that's really what they're wanting to do is go to a college, all of the colleges with all of the different, the best, um, business programs and law programs and medical programs and art departments and what have you like give the kid. All of the resources. So that they can make the best decision for themselves. That would be given to, their highest version, supporting their next evolution of themselves. So that way you're not imposing your will on them.

This is, of course, if you want to give from your highest place. I should have said this to begin with. If you want to give from your highest place and feel good moving forward and not torment yourself. I did this not last year, maybe the year before, where I gave my daughter a digital, um, scrapbook, if you will, right? I just put together, all of these pictures, all the ones that I could find anyway, salvage anyway from my old computer, and organized them into categories, right?

All these different categories, there were thousands of pictures. I did that because I think every child should have that, and I believe that, like, for my child, I can't tell you what's right for yours, I think every kid loves to look back at their kid pictures, their baby pictures, right, at some point in their life.

And I didn't want her to not have half of the pictures, even more than half the pictures, because in her early life, she was really over at my house more than she was over at her dad's, right? So I wanted her to have all that stuff.

Even regardless of

whether we weren't connecting or not, now, I didn't give it to her with the expectation in my mind that she would Thank me and there was no way for me to tell whether she had accessed those pictures because I actually sent her like a thumb drive or like a little, I don't think they're called thumb drives anymore, but you know, like a little, hard drive, so I have no idea whether she's accessed that or not.

I gave it, I let it go like a butterfly and that's, it's hers, right. To have, but a lot of times what I do see is parents that give, And there is a little string attached, right? And it's like in the way of, well, I'll put it on Google drive. And then that way I could go and look and see whether they've accessed it or not.

And then it would tell me that they still love me. That's where things can start to get sticky. Not only for you and your mind and moving forward because you're constantly, it's going to create like an obsession for you to go check and see and then you're going to make it mean something if they haven't looked and you're going to make it mean something if they have looked.

You know, it's all of the shit that goes on, um, afterwards that causes all this confusion. grief, right? And re traumatization. Um, but then you're also not fully giving from your heart for the, for the reason of contributing to their highest version without any strings, So,, if you're giving, and you want to have the best experience possible. It's to give from that place of like truly giving it and not expecting anything back.

 

I'm going to pull it away from, our kids for a second. Have you ever loved somebody, like, the thought you were head over heels, madly in love with them, and then things happened along the way and maybe you developed a story that they don't love you back. Maybe they even said it to you, that they don't love you back.

What happened for you at the moment that they said that? What changed for you?  Were you still able to love them?  Most of us, we hear that somebody doesn't love us back and we get injured.

We have this heartbroken story about how love was lost. about how, , our heart was broken they stole our love or they, , took everything from us , but

that's not actually how love works. You can love somebody, like if you are choosing to love them, you can love them whether they love you back or not. It's that sometimes what happens is when somebody like person A is loving and person B doesn't reciprocate love, and person A figures out that person B isn't reciprocating love, then person A, Develops a story about how they can't love anymore because it's not being reciprocated, and so now they're stuck feeling empty and like their soul was stolen, That they're not able to love them back because person B isn't letting them But really, all it takes to love somebody is a decision in your heart Whether they love you back or not it's a moot point.

If you really loved them and then they said that they don't love you, then in that moment,  you either to abandon your love for them  because love happens inside of you. It's not something that's outside of you, right? It's not the exchange.

That may happen, energies may exchange, and you may have a story about that exchange, but  love happens inside your heart. it's an energy that you produce inside of you frequency that you produce inside of you.  And so you can at the moment that you hear that it's not going to be reciprocated, you can abandon that love, like not own it and create a story on top of that love.

That you can't love them,  but that would be a lie to yourself,  you know, does that make sense? Like, I'm gonna bring it back closer to home. when you had your baby and it was a little infant in your arms, like with my daughter, I remember cradling her while I was cooking dinner or doing whatever, when she was little itty bitty tiny,  She couldn't tell me she loved me,  but I felt so much love for her. I still do, ? But I felt so much love for her, even though she couldn't communicate her love to me.  She couldn't, there were really no signs that she was loving me, except for the fact that she would later on, she would coo and gaze up at me.

But I am sure that at that stage, she would coo and gaze up at many people, there wasn't any, , validation of love. there was no words that came out that said,  I love you too. You know,  that happened much later, ? When she could talk before that, I chose to trust that she too loved me.

And so that made it okay to give to her freely. You hear what I'm saying? .

 There was a story in my mind that told me I want to give to this little baby,  even though right now she's taking, taking, taking from me because that's what babies do, They eat, poop, sleep, eat, poop, sleep. And all of those things you are facilitating as the parent, right?

And it's exhausting,  but it doesn't fucking matter because you love them so much and you are willing to do anything for that baby the second that it comes out into this world, right?   But they have not stated that they love you back. You just already created a story about, I love them and they love me and yay, everything is wonderful.

So you're able to love and give your love freely. But the second that you believe, any of us, I'm not saying just you, believe that something has tarnished Their love for you, many of us, will be like, well fine, I'm not going to give my love back either.

Fine, I should guard my heart. Maybe I don't love them either. Maybe if they're going to be like that to me, then I'm not going to be loving to them. You know, especially when they get in their teen years. Each time you want to give them love, like if you're still in connection with them, depending on the situation, but if they're not reciprocating or they're telling you that they don't want your love,

many of us will have a , harder time showing it. Because of the story in our head that tells us that we need to abandon our own love for them. But really, truly, it doesn't matter, right? We've already proved that as babies, they never had to reciprocate love, but we just kept giving and giving and giving.

And it was no problem for us. We would do it over and over and over again for the rest of their lives. If they weren't able to speak and tell you that they loved you. Like if that wasn't an option. Right? If you had a nonverbal, child on the spectrum, or with some other sort of special needs, and they couldn't express to you whether they loved you or not, you would just trust that they did love you.

No matter what was going on with them, , but because now what we're making their actions the coercion mean about us and for us and how we should react or response because of it. Now we have abandoned our own love inside of us that we used to give freely to them. We've covered it up with something else. With some form of our ego. Do you know what I'm saying? That's really what gets in the way so often , and communication breakdowns, with our children. I mean, with all, all children going through teen years and stuff when they start expressing their independence and maybe, , kiddos are taking parents for granted a little bit more because they're wanting to, you know, Find out who they are and what have you.

They won't reciprocate love the way that they once did. up until like seven, eight, nine years old, 10 years old. And then they start needing them less. And then the parents are like, well, if they need me less, then maybe there's something wrong with me.

And then they make it all selfish, right? We all do this. So I'm not, um, finding fault. But it's the story that we have that they don't need us anymore. Yeah. What we make that mean about our own self will block the love that you are capable of feeling. All the time for the, till the end of time, you could always feel unconditional love if you weren't blocking your own self from it that's what I'm saying.

You know, like if you just chose to trust and believe that even though my kid right now is telling me that they don't love me or they don't want me around or whatever, whatever, you don't have to actually take those words and, and change your love that you feel for them, you're doing that out of protection, most likely.

You know, but you could still continue to feel unconditional, overflowing love for them. And it would be so much less painful than abandoning your love for them. And then feeling, insecurity and lost and purposeless and meaningless in your life. Do you hear what I'm saying? It's all really about what you're making it all mean it could still hurt that there are Rejecting you if they're outright rejecting you or they're not returning your calls, whatever You could still feel hurt by that and not abandon your unconditional love the feeling Overpouring of love that you once felt for this tiny little baby infant that you had in your arms You can get that back if you want, you know, it's just, like your ego and your, um, trauma, the trauma that you carry, , we tell ourselves, well, we can't, not, we can't show that if we show that then we're putting ourselves out in the line, we're protecting ourselves and that we need to be smart about this and not.

Get trampled over by them or show them that they can they can treat us this way. But really, how they treat you and I know you guys have heard me say this a million times over how they treat you is no reflection on you. It's a reflection of how they're thinking about you due to being coerced.

You showing love to them is always the most brave, strongest, strongest thing that you can do and it's the best feeling. It's free flowing. Like, no matter what, you can have love for somebody, still draw boundaries, feel overflowing love for them, and also not, be a doormat at the same time.

You could give, keep giving and giving and giving, and not actually be, Take an advantage of by them if you are giving because that is coming from your heart of unconditionally loving to benefit their highest self. Does that make sense?

Because then you're not um, putting yourself out on the line. In fact, when you give love, then you open yourself up to more love. You open yourself up to the universe or whatever you believe in, replenishing that love and giving you even more than you had prior. Because giving love is always rewarded. It doesn't always have to come from the person that you're giving it to directly.

So

nobody can really ever take advantage of you or take you for, yes, they can take you for granted, but it doesn't need to affect you and change your decision about what you decide to give from your heart for their best interest. Because you believe, it's something that will, no strings attached, support them in their highest journey.

When we start giving because we're wanting to receive something, that's when, and it's sneaky, so you really have to check your motives, that's when you're going to start to notice, the suffering on top. You'll start questioning, what you're giving, how you're giving it.

You'll start expecting things in return. Well, I sent them this and I sent them that, and I never got a thank you. And I never got this and I never got that. And I have clients that will say, yeah, but that's just encouraging bad behavior. It's not actually encouraging bad behavior by continuing to love somebody bad behavior or not. In fact, by loving somebody, you're encouraging and modeling to them what love looks like. Without strings, right? That is the, the highest form of modeling to your children to just give because it's what's on and in your heart, you can never really encourage their bad behavior by giving, gifting them something  unless you're doing it in order to win their love.  When you're doing it for something in return, then you will encourage the bad behavior because then you've just entered into a bribe.  

You've entered into a contract with them, a transaction with them. I give you this and then you act nicely to me. And then we keep playing this game back and forth where if you're nice, then you get rewarded. You see what I'm saying? It's like, here's the money. And then you get this in return.

 

If you call me, then I will send you, gift cards. You may not say that out loud, but that's really what's happening a lot of parents I'll hear, well, I haven't heard from them then, however, long. Why should I continue to give them stuff that right there? It's, divulging. The expectation off the bat.

Okay, so then you're not giving coming from and that's ok By the way, when I say this, I'm not in judgment. I just want to make the point that when you're giving from that place of like, well, I'm giving because they're actually complying with my expectations on what I think that they should behave like in order to show them.

It's so sneaky, what good relationship boundaries are, or like good morals or good practices are so that they can make it out in society. But really that's kind of bullshit. Like, yes, we should teach our kids how to behave and that there's a proper way to treat somebody. But when you are telling them that they need to call you or they need to participate and be kind to you, then you are putting conditions.

, on your love to them you're not being kind to them back. You're withholding love from them for not being the kind of kind that you expect them to be. Does that make sense? It's a transaction.

So instead gift when you're not expecting them to, or when, not because they just called you or because they aren't being nice to you gift, regardless, when you feel it.

choosing love always feels better than feeling cut off distant from not connected to hurt trampled on whatever fill in the blank, feeling love is free flowing and it doesn't there's no resistance. There's no stopping. There's no. Well, I can't there's no limitations on it.

Because there's no expectations. That is what all of our kids need to learn. Not, oh, well, you only get this if you do this. Parents don't see it, and I know because I do this too. Without, it's so sneaky how it comes up. Well, I don't want to reward that kind of behavior.

Well, I don't want to let show them, because that's what they learn over at their dad's house. Blah, blah, blah, or mom's house, whatever it is. But still, You're actually withholding the very thing that you're asking for from them. So it doesn't make sense. It's not, it's not fluid.

It's not consistent with what you really want on the inside. So if you really want to feel their love, then you feel love from the inside first. You give it. Cause we, we say that we, we give to those we love, but, um, there's a quote about this. It's like, um, a rabbi or somebody, we, the idea is that we give to those that we love, but really know it's that

we love those who we give to. Love is an action word we give, therefore we show up in love, It's not, Oh, if I love you and if you love me, then I'll give you something. that's the very thing that so many of us resent in our parents or ex partners is that narcissistic love, right.

Giving for the expectation of something in return, show love by giving. Not giving from a place of you then feeling depleted. that brings up another point right now is that so many parents to just don't have the money to spend like truly don't have the money but we'll go out of their way and overspend and put themselves into a funky financial spot because they're trying to give over, give to their kids so that their kids will understand that they love them.

And this also is going to fuck you and really send your kid the wrong message to. Like, I don't think there's anything wrong with, I was talking to another, a client, a previous client the other day, who said, you know, I'm becoming like the Mickey Mouse dad. And I was like, well, there's nothing wrong with giving. So long as you're giving in hopes to receive their love. If you're giving because you have it to give and it feels good to give, keep on giving. If you, love the experiences of going and doing the airboat rides and the whatever, I don't know what else he was doing.

A bunch of other activities, right? That cost a little bit of money. if those things are, Feel good. And y'all are building memories. Then great. Do that. There's nothing wrong with that. If you have it, why not?

 

But if you're doing it in place of having boundaries, Loving boundaries in place of parenting your child so that they'll like you you're going to run into a problem. Throwing money at it as opposed to being there in love. Is going to present problems later.

, and it rarely works. No, it never works. It may work, uh, for a period of time, but it will never actually, for you, it will always feel fleeting, like you have to like grasp at it, right. And like, it doesn't feel secure and right and free. It feels very limiting when you're doing it.

in place of feeling true love and sharing true moments. Does that make sense? So, love always feels free. Unconditional love always feels free. And it's coming not at your expense. Okay. Not at the demise of you or your bank account. So when you're going into the holidays, there's nothing wrong with right now, your bank account can support you only spending 20. That's okay. Send that gift from the heart. Make a gift. You know, this year what I'm doing is, um, and maybe this will help you guys. Back when she was in kindergarten, I think she did this.

drawing that, you know, at school where you can turn it into, a t shirt or a cup or a coffee mug. I chose a couple of things, but one of them, which I've kept for, all this time is it an option to use it as like patchwork, for a quilt. And so that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to put a picture here for you guys to see. I have to just go in the other room to get it. So if you're watching, then you'll see that the little picture of it. yeah, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm actually working on this quilt for her, which I have told her that I was going to do for her to go to college.

Since she was in kindergarten, I was like, this, I'm going to send you to college with this quilt and it's going to be all of her baby clothes. And then this one picture is going to be like the centerpiece in it. And, but I'm going to make it look cute and not look like, you know, baby clothes that she wouldn't do something that she could bring to college and feel.

Not, ashamed of, you know? So that's what I'm doing, which costs me very, very little. But it's my heart and my soul that's going into it. My time that I'm investing into it. Because I love her. Not because I want her to have it so that she will give me back love. Not because I want her to feel loved, right?

Because what kid doesn't, what person doesn't want to feel that? . That's why I'm doing it. And so coming from that place, you'll find that your energy will always be replenished when you're giving from the other place, then you'll find it's exhausting that like you're always having your exasperated and always reaching.

And without any reciprocation, it's just exhausting and tiring. And they're just not ever there. That's when they start. In your mind using and abusing you. They're just not appreciative of what you give. Yeah, that's because you have a story that's causing you to give from a place that's not, um, authentic.

You know what I'm saying? It's okay if you're there, it's just that you can, you know. If you're exhausted and you don't like the way it feels, then you can just, now you can become more aware when it's happening and then redirect and teach yourself how to come from this place instead, if you like, and I can help you with it if you want that help too, you know?

So to gift or not to gift is entirely up to you. Just know that, depending on where it's coming from for you, it's going to produce. Different results, Drastically different results for you. in the moment and also moving forward because the, first kind of love, the more selfish love, transactional love haunts you, it's always expecting and holds onto the grudges and the pains, the hurts, , the scars.

Of not being reciprocated right but then the unconditional love is so free and there's never any worry about what's happened in the past or what's going to happen in the future. It is always in the present. It feels so good and it is always replenished not always in the areas that you would expect it.

more so much more than you would expect when you're open to it. Okay. There's also, one last thing before I go. Is there is Fable or a quote or whatever a little story a little comparison I think this is also from that rabbi and it's about this boy who Goes fishing gets this fish cooks it and is eating it and somebody a man walks by and said , Young man, why are you eating that fish? and the old boy says, Because I love fish. And he says, Oh, you love that fish? Is that why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it? He said, don't tell me you love the fish. You love yourself.

And because the fish tastes so good to you, you took it outta the water, you killed it and you boiled it. sometimes I think we over. Use the word love and we actually misconstrue or misrepresent what love actually is.

I'm thinking about like as a young like young adult in some of my relationships, I would like talk about love to my boyfriend because I wanted him to love me that way. I remember, , wanting him to like, Write me songs like Billy Joel wrote songs for Christie Brinkley. But I would talk about all the ways that other people show love.

Like, campaign almost to him how loving other people are. So that he would love me back, which is entirely selfish. Right? That's actually me begging him to love me. That's not me loving him. When you or I say that we love somebody so that we can hear it back, that's entirely selfish.

We're needing from them. We're needing them to be some way in order for us to feel full, whole, uh, good. Right? But instead, when we say that we love somebody and show somebody love, give somebody something from the, that place of unconditional love in our heart, We're not expecting anything in return,

just like when your baby was an infant,

selfish love is wanting to be with somebody, right? Because of how they make you feel. it will not last because humans are fallible they are not going to make you feel that way forever, right? They're going to fuck up. They're going to, um, have bad days or not be able to be there for you and make you feel all the ways at all the times because they're not superhuman.

This is like the idealistic love. And the same thing with our children. You know, so when we're loving them or expecting them for them to behave in ways to make us feel secure at peace, loved, feel loved, feel respected, then that's not actually true love, you know, and it's okay that you've felt this way or do feel this way.

Now, if this is you, it's just a matter of retraining your brain on how to, um, experience And show love to others in a way that feels so good because actually when you're doing it that way and thinking about loving somebody else fully, wholly, you actually experience such great love inside of you, right?

You're following that, the, the like ever flowing energy. The love ends up supplying for both you and the other person, but the other way you think that you're supplying to them and you feel so, Oh, burnt out. And all I do is give and give and give, and they never give anything back.

it feels awful inside, It feels like you've been done wrong or that you're always like hanging like by a string. maybe this time they'll do something, maybe this time they'll, call me back and you're always going to feel hung out to dry, you know?

So, yeah, that's what I have for you