Episode Transcript

  You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 105, stay tuned.

 you guys, I'm popping on, um, real quick before the episode because I didn't do announcements when I did the recording. So quickly, I'm going to be live. Sorry. I have gummy bears in my mouth.

I'm going to be live, um, every day this week. So when you are listening to it, just depends on when you get it. So I'll be live. On Thursday night on Friday, there's going to be a, there'll be links below and like basically a list of all the places I'm going to be live through Monday, which is the opening of the AP survival course.

Okay, so I'll be live every day, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. if you want to come on, I'm going to be teaching some fun stuff and going to be answering some questions and also, um, just providing the same kind of value that you would be getting in the course. Although somewhat different, I will say that the magic, the real Real magic happens in the practical application of the tools that I provide.

So it's like all of your real, like, , the energy is surrounding the coaching because of the way that it's done. And so it's where you know, all the stuff the good stuff is and so and unless you join me for A coaching call you might just get a teaching or something from me like this weekend this week , but it's all gonna be fun. It's all good. so Come on, so i'll close the enrollment I won't close it on Monday, but I'll probably close it on Wednesday or Thursday of next week. Right? So like the ninth or the 10th enrollment will be closed.

Okay. So you have until then, and then if not, then you got to wait. Okay. So that's all come on, you guys, it's going to be so much fun. All right. I'm gonna get onto the episode.

 Oh, and I've kept the

the payment plan is still up there for the monthly. And also, go check the website, go check the AP survival course page, because there's some specials there for you too.

So yeah, if you have not been getting the places where you want to go, whether that's, um, Mentally in the brain as far as like emotionally concerned or whether that's you have a goal or you want to start making more money right and supporting yourself in a more reliable way, moving into your future.

The program covers all of this. We cover your mental blocks and also like your limiting beliefs that may be generational as far as like what was possible for you.

We cover all this in the course because this it really was the secret sauce to me getting out of the. Hole that I had put myself in was getting over the beliefs that I thought I was just bound and determined like this crappy destiny that I was bound and determined to live out for myself that I was always going to be Struggling in that I wasn't able to create anything for myself that I wasn't it just wasn't possible for me.

I really felt so behind the game behind games The rest of the world and what everybody else could create because it was just who I was and I was never going to be able to, move out of it. And that's what this program helps you to, , that's really the secret sauce of the program, is helping you on default thinking, get past all of those mountains that probably got passed down to you from your parents, you know? And them from their parents. And so, basically, let's stop the cycle, y'all. , come on. It'll be worth it. The program will pay itself off. I promise you that.

As long as you are committed to it, it will pay itself off.

Tenfold more than that.. Come on.

 Hey y'all, so I have an idea in my head and I really have kind of a theme But I'm just going to shoot light from the hip because, well, you'll see, I'm going to tell a story. And it basically, , I'll tell you before I even begin where I'm going with it is we hold on to the identity and the stories of our past to define our future and how, it doesn't serve us.

How it limits, our capability and our, uh, potential moving forward. Okay. So I'm going to tell you a story. That I've never actually told anybody like anybody. I mean, I've told parts of it, um, situationally, but I've never actually put it all together like this and thrown it out to the world, especially,

and the reason I haven't told the story, I have judged myself for it. Up until really today, I kept it somewhere, I can't say hidden, I just never really chose to, to bring it out, or look at it, because somewhere in me, I was telling myself that, and I just became aware of this, that my actions or non actions or whatever it was, I'm getting ready to, I'll tell you what happened, um, was irresponsible.

And like, it must have been intentional on some level, and maybe it was, I don't know. But, I guess I've judged myself about it forever, and didn't want to be labeled as the person who did this, so I'm getting ready to tell you now. Okay, so I've had this theme go on my entire life, and it will actually relate to you guys, so just know that.

There is a, there's a moral to this story, I think there is anyway. Bye. so I've had this theme throughout my entire life, or maybe an entire adult life. Yeah, from young adult till, till, you know, some years ago. you guys know, I lived a lot of places, I grew up for much of my, Formative years over in Southeast Asia.

And so I, I was accustomed, used to kind of moving around, and throughout my adult life, anytime I moved or whatever, I several times over. Would leave like boxes of important things, like a doll collection that my dad got every time that he would go out of town when I was a little itty bitty girl, you know, for like years and years and years, anytime he would go to a different country, I, he would come home with a doll from that country.

And over the years I collected, I don't know how many different dolls, like hundreds, you know, and it was just a really neat collection and then, um, when I was living in Marco Island and moved up to Clearwater. I left that collection behind, thinking I would go back and pick it up, and then I never did.

And of course, you know, I don't even remember what happened, but I always, like, held the shame about it. Again, never told any of the story before, so I'm just processing it now too, kind of. So I kind of, I held the shame about not ever, it was like I had a story that I guess I obviously just didn't value that.

And I really did value it, you know, like, why did I do that sort of thing? , before that, my dad had given me this cedar chest that he had from college from, you know, his parents or whatever. And it was a gorgeous cedar chest. And I left that when I moved in college.

just gave it up, just didn't, I didn't, it's not that I didn't want that because I really valued it, but also in the moment I was so accustomed to acting, reacting in the moment and not thinking and not stopping whatever machine was motor was going at the time. Usually it was that I was paying attention to either some guy or some.

Other movement that I needed to stay like FOMO, like I was scared. I was going to miss out on something. So I just needed to hurry up and get to the next thing. so it was the cedar chest, then the doll collection of mine.

And then when I was getting back together with my daughter's father, we were together in college and then, you know, both of us were kind of living all over the place.

And when we got back together, I was around 29, almost 30. And, um, I put all my stuff. In a storage unit in Clearwater, Florida, and I've moved myself up to D. C. where he was and I paid that storage unit off every month for, you know, some years until we broke up and. I always wanted to blame him for it, but it was my stuff.

And in the divorce, when all of the shit hit the fan and whatever, I stopped paying it, or actually we stopped paying it because we, we paid it back then. Um, and I didn't.

I didn't keep it up. And so of course that storage unit, you know, I'm sure got all sold off, right? And in that storage unit was , all of my photos, all of my yearbooks, all of my memorabilia from high school, from all the places I'd lived, all of my clothes. I was a bathing suit model back in the day, right?

A bikini model. And so I had my comp cards that I still think about to this day, which is so silly, right? But just all of this stuff, and in my mind, those things were my identity. Those things, the, from the doll collection, even the cedar chest, and of course the storage unit, was like losing my identity.

You know, I can only imagine if somebody like loses their belongings and, a hurricane the house gets destroyed and there's water damage or a fire, you know? Um,  except for with that stuff, it wasn't their fault.  and I didn't realize until really today.

That I had been carrying the shame, like, yeah, but it was my fault. story goes further than just this, but, um, it was my fault, And I was so, careless. With my identity is how I was thinking about it.

Right. And to this day, I mean, the only reason this came up is because I started thinking back about the fact that all the photographs. So much of my life is gone, you know, who knows where it is somewhere in some Mount Trashmore in Clearwater, Florida, which I'm just across the state now.

but, you know, the chances of me ever finding that stuff is, very, very, very slim. In fact, I called the storage unit one time. I mean, I really like, I've had this attachment to this stuff, So that happened back when my daughter was, just under two years old.  oh,  so before my daughter's father and I split up, he had given me a very nice, engagement ring.

You know, it's like a carrot and a half diamond, a gorgeous diamond. It doesn't matter. The material thing is not important, but he had given me this engagement ring. And I, to this day, I think I know what happened with it. But long story short is I lost it. I could not find it.

I retraced all my steps. I mean, retrace them. In fact, this ended up and I'm not going to go into the story right now, but he ended up, it ends up being in our, custody battle. Like it turned into a whole story because there was, he bribed me. It was a whole deal, but anyway, long story short is I don't, to this day, I have.

Some ideas where it might be that engagement ring, but I don't know, maybe I did lose it, you know, that, and that's the, the shamey part of me because wait for it. Then with the next guy who I married. Also,   I lost that ring. y'all,  I've had this one bracelet of my grandmother's for, I cannot tell you how long.

I have earrings that I've had since I was in high school. Two engagement rings I lost. I can't believe I'm, like, this is the first time I've ever really shared it out, put it out there. And the reason I wasn't sharing it with anybody, I guess there was no real reason to, but it's because I was judging myself.

Because I thought, who does this? Two, not one very expensive piece of jewelry, but  two,  two of them.  And since the second thing happened, and that caused a lot of problems too, but since then, I I've always wondered, or I, for a long time there, I was wondering about whether it was some subconscious messaging that I was giving to myself over the years.

You know, with all of the things that I either left behind or lost, lost custody of, not my daughter, I'm not including her in this mess,  although, no,  I'm not. Um,  funny, not funny.  , lost custody of you know, my actual belongings.

I think that somewhere in me, I've questioned whether it's been an intentional thing or not. I think that And how crazy is that, that I would just continue to self sabotage and lose those things that were so important to me. And then on a separate subject, I was thinking about how clients of mine, usually the first three, four or five sessions we have together, we're still getting to know each other.

And so oftentimes this is the period of time where I need to remind them that I'm on their team. And really all I ever care about is the results that they're creating for themselves and how they feel. As a result of that, and while they're creating the results, like really my interest is in their interest, right?

Like, ultimately that's it. Like, somebody was talking the other day. , in the private Facebook group when we were just chit chatting back and forth, and This happens often where my clients will be like, well, I didn't, . I wasn't being that way to my kid on the outside.

It was just what was happening inside. And so there's this level of defensiveness because as all of us , alienated parents, we feel like we have to prove to all the people and to ourselves that we are worthy and that we are good parents because we have been being accused otherwise. Right. So we're, we have this guilty conscience, even though we know that we've been always thinking of all the perspectives with regard to how somebody can take our, style of parenting, right.

And how we were showing it for our kids, because that's really all we lived for. However long your, your situation of alienation, like while you were. or maybe you still are in it, where you're currently being accused of being dangerous or, not present or whatever it is, So, What I was explaining to this other parent the other day was, listen, my interest is never in how you're showing up to your kid. Like, I don't mean to say, I don't care how you act towards your kid, but I actually kind of don't. And I mean that because I know already that as alienated parents, we don't show up in a way that would be, , disruptive or, disregarding of our Children, every parent that I have met before goes over and above. to fulfill their parenting duties. My interest is always in your interest and you feeling good or empowered or however you want to feel in the moment, that's what I want to help y'all get to, right?

But so often, and this is, this is what I want to. Where the core of this you guys, are so attached to the negativity of your past, And me too, the stories that we've, subconsciously created about our past and about our experiences, we want to carry that stuff with us.

Even though we know it's limiting us. Like you don't want to carry it with you, but it's almost like you're indulging your own , negative perspective that is causing you or creating negative results in your current life and in probably in your future. so, I'll talk to parents and they'll talk about how , the reason that they're this way is because their ex is an asshole and their kids hate them their mom was dismissive of them when they were children or something, right?

And I want to help them to see that that's not the only way that they can see their situation. For whatever reason, and I do this too, they want to convince me that mom was that way and that kids are being this way. And that X is really this way. And I need to understand that, Because really, let me show you all the evidence to how your side that is not serving you at all is so true. And what I always want to help you guys see is listen.

True, not true. You could fill a building with people that would actually agree with you. If it's not serving you, then why are you so attached to it? But this is what we do. We hold on to this idea of who we are, me, with all of the, memorabilia of my past and these rings that I lost.

the chest, my dad's the dolls, all the things those were defining of who I was. And I think my whole life, I kind of feel like the theme has kept showing up only to like illustrate that.

I am who I am in the present because I decide that's who I am. Right? And what I am in the future is also what I decide And whatever was in my past is really just that. It's just memories. Of what was. And it doesn't have to define me moving forward, right? I don't need to carry that stuff with me.

It's just stuff the same with your memories or the experiences that you had before, or even yesterday, or your idea of your experiences, because really it's all just perception, like when you were born, you were born. Into your parents world and you at that time took on your parents ideas of what the world behaved like to you and for you, And then as you grew older, um, and started creating your own experiences, then you collected like layer upon layer upon layer. of your narrative and tone of how the world behaves for you. But just because that's your narrative and tone, doesn't mean that that is how the world is. You know what I'm saying?

It's just only how you perceive it. And if that perception of your world right now is causing you a lot of resistance and a lot of negativity, then you can just let it go. Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about how, and you know there's so many iterations of this, but like, We carry around the baggage of our pasts,  trash bags of manure  that we lug around with us throughout our life. And it's not only a pain in the butt and back to carry around, but every so often we set the bags down and we dig our hands into it and we rub all the manure of our past all over ourselves.

Like re traumatizing ourselves with all of the stories and then wonder why our life stinks in today, It's because we're using that, to fuel our today. why would we use the stuff that has limited us dragged us down to create our future with that? why do we feel so obligated especially the negative. to make that part of our persona today

in one of the first modules of the new course, we're doing work on. Your narrative and what you want to take with you and what you want to leave behind. Becoming aware of where the negativity and the limiting beliefs are truly blocking you from creating something new in your future. Because when we're looking back and saying, I don't want what I have now.

And I don't want the stuff from back here. I don't want to be alienated anymore. I don't want this. I don't want that. Because our focus is there, that is all we will continue to recreate. It will never motor us somewhere different. Define yourself today by what you want moving forward. That is the one thing that we are all, I believe, scared of, is letting go of the story that we have of ourselves.

This struggle with identity. Who are we now? What are we being defined by? Who are we being defined by? Whatever the alienating parent is saying about you, they may resist you. But when you go and resist them, you are meeting them at their level and matching that negativity,

so now you have double resistance. The more you hang on to, Oh, no, I'm their parent. I'm their parent. The more you're going to feel, um, vulnerable at the effect of the threat.

But when you let go of this threat of your story ending of your identity ending, then you know that that is absolute. Nothing can really threaten you. No matter what they say, okay, so yeah, so you'll have to deal with, accepting the current circumstances of your life, but you don't let the current circumstances of your life define you , if you're like me right now and you're dripping love and your child is not under your roof, it doesn't mean that you're any less or more or anything

of your child's parent than you already were. If we allow all the other people to assign our own identity to us, we will always feel like it can be taken away. Another example is my dogs.

You know,

buddy, this guy here is, Scarlett's puppy dog,

 

I got him for her when she was four and a half.

And

he's now getting a little older

and

he's had some health issues and he's the last of the pets that her and I had together.

And so

knowing that

at some point, sooner than later.

it's coming to that end is sad because ,

we want to hold on to some of the last, for me, I always tend to, resist letting anything change, like the last couple things changing. Like when Pepper passed away, it was really difficult for me.

 

In my mind, he's is that last piece of normalcy, the reminder of when things were good, quote unquote good. change is bound to happen no matter what. whether it's him or whether it's a shirt I bought that is Thread bare now from when I was pregnant with my daughter, these last little strings that I hold onto in my brain, I'm making that so negative because if I lose him or if I lose that shirt, then I'm losing my daughter, and that's not true.

That's an illusion.

It's an illusion

of control

that

I think that I have by holding on to the last little

pieces,

scraps of normalcy. normalcy is what I make it, Nobody can take away the experiences I had with my daughter and the influence

and

the DNA that my daughter and I share.

And not one little material item that's in my life or that has floated out of my life is going to make me any less of a person, you know, we. all want to hold on to something of our past to prove to ourselves who we are in today, but you, if you trust

and know

that who you are is who you decide you are, and your story is not going to go anywhere if you decide it's not going to, You create all of it.

So often we're holding on to a negative story from our past or even a positive story of our past but that clutching so tightly it's causing resistance in your ability to create in the today. It's a way for you to keep your foot back in the past. and so long as you've got any part of you stuck back there, you will never be able to create and be the fullness that you really, really crave for your future, So be willing to let it go. It doesn't mean that your role as a parent will be any less or any more, that who you are, uh, becoming will be any less significant or any more significant even. You decide in every moment. It's up to you. It's not up to the alienating parent even. It may seem like it because you think that they are not treating you as significant, but even that is an illusion.

Your children are mean. Even that is an illusion, y'all. You get to decide that. We cannot control how other people view us, experience us, even. We can only control this. And when we keep our, focus on that and that alone, we can live into our potential.

But when we've got our hands in all these different cookie jars of controlling who's seeing us, in which way, experiencing us in the right way, Who's thinking this badly of me, and who's not in agreement with me, and who's resisting me, and who's being negative about me. It's impossible for you to

manage your own life and your own mind around what you're creating in the future. You're too busy elsewhere. That is not living in reality. That's living in your altered reality of trying to control all the things outside. And it will keep you fucking miserable. Miserable. So,

I guess that's really all I wanted to say. Is that

sometimes the things that we just we place importance on are really holding us back, you know, we indulge in this idea of who we think we should be who we were right and want to carry that into today. But all that does is keep us back there and keep us. Walking in circles, motoring in circles, we have to look forward.

You have to create your today from your future. Where am I headed? Where do I want to go? And when you are there and you're focused on your intention for your life, even for how you're showing up as a parent in today, when you're focused on what's happening in here, then you can't go wrong. Past focused.

Focusing on how other people's negativity is affecting you and today, which is something that we as alienated parents, I mean, I can't think of a alienated parent that hasn't really struggled hard with that of other people's experiences of us negative, especially experience of us. , just as you see your world as you are, they see their world as they are. I know for me, it's true with everybody in my life from the time I was a itty bitty until today, I see people as I want to see them.

Anything different is too much dissonance inside me. Your kids, the ex. They're seeing you how it feels right for them to see you right now. And I know that you struggle with that sometimes, especially when it comes to your kids, because it's not right. They should see you how you really are.

And they're being lied to and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know if I figure out a way I will be the first to let you guys know, but otherwise allow them to be wrong about you because what is it anyway? Okay. So people think some things that are inaccurate about you. Okay. You can have it affect you and have it be the end of the world, or you can go about your merry way and show up how you want to show up and not have it negatively affect your results in tomorrow, you know?

So, because the negativity of the alienating parent, or the whoever's accusing you and doing all that stuff, when you go back and resist that, you also are creating your in on that game. You're co creating negativity with them. you cannot fight negativity with negativity.

If you really want to win, you let go of the resistance. You let go and commit yourself to your role, your path, your intentions moving forward. that is freedom. I promise you that the biggest thing for me was, being willing to divorce who you've been and all of your thoughts and ideas that you've carried about yourself and about your world up until now.

So that goes back into all the things that my identity that I lost over the years. I truly believe that today. Those things, subconsciously, not subconsciously, careless, whatever, I truly believe it all was working up to today. Like, that I don't have to fret. About losing those parts, the memorabilia of my past, because it's not important.

It's not, I mean, of course my daughter is important to me because I choose that and nobody can threaten that, you know? Yeah. I did lose a bunch of photos and stuff like that. I've heard too. Oh, I didn't mention there was another time where, wiped my phone thinking that I would with all of my photos back in like 2018.

For, uh, for the four years before that thinking that they would still be on my computer on my Mac at home and they weren't, and I lost everything, but I didn't anyway, it's a whole story, but I lost a lot of the memories with my daughter, you know, um, but I know that the ones that matter are here and they're here, you know, so just look at what you're valuing in your world.

You decide what means something for you moving forward and whatever you're holding on to so tightly from your past, just question it because, and be willing to question all of your beliefs about who you are based on how you've lived up until now. Because so many parents I know are struggling. so committed to holding on to knowing that they're right about how their life has been up until now.

When being right or wrong doesn't make a difference. it just only affects who you become, right? And if you're only thinking about the negative, pulling the negative from your past and making that define your future, then you're fucked. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

You're actually doing it to yourself. It's the perspective that you commit yourself to because we as humans have this thing where we want to confirm our already, practiced beliefs inside of us, even if those beliefs are not serving us. we'll continue to create the trash of our past, the stuff that did not work for us, it's only a perception anyway.

Bye. There are so many different ways that you could perceive the same exact terrible things that happened in your life. You know? So use your past, your present, all of it for you instead of against you. Be willing to let go of what you believe is true about you and about life in general and how it works for you.

Be willing to drop all of your history. Just let it go.

That really was what created my sense of peace and happiness. I mean, clearly this came up for me and I realized that I hadn't fully let go of the identity thing today I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm realized that I actually And placing so much value in that stuff. And every time I think about it, my stomach would just go in knots.

It's because I was telling myself that I was so irresponsible and I must've been doing this to kind of self sabotage or something. But I never really was aware of that part. Be willing to question all of the perspective about everything you've been through and what it means for you today.

Let it go. Most of the time, it's ego anyway. when we feel like, no, it's important, I need to hold on to this. This is wrong. What they did to me is wrong. It's your ego. It's always your ego. Let it go. It never serves you in the end. It only causes you to, rile yourself up, spin your wheels It's a terrible time suck energy suck to any time you feel threatened. It's your. role feels threatened and you need to stand up for what you believe. Cause I'm not saying don't stand up for what you believe in. I'm saying, if you feel so attached to stories from your past, because you believe not holding onto them would threaten your identity in  Then think again,  okay. You decide, okay, guys. Have a lovely afternoon and day. Hey listen, I didn't, um, I need to do the announcements. Y'all, the doors are opening for the new course, for the AP Survival course.

On next Monday, Monday, October 7th. So I'm going to be coming live on Thursday night. I'll be on Tik TOK

Friday I'm going to be live in the Facebook group Saturday. I'm going to be live all weekend Saturday.

Look at the schedule down below because I'll have, all of that posted. So if you want to show up even just for a little coaching, even if you're not going to join the, uh, the survival course, that's fine. You can just come and show up and get coached or ask a question, type in a question. You don't have to show your face if you don't want to.

But yeah, I'm going to be live every day. Coming up the rest of this weekend. Okay through Monday. All right. All right. All right, you guys have a lovely day