How to Navigate Sh*tty Days & Difficult Choices As An Alienated Parent

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 86 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation I'm your host Shelby mford a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth if you're experiencing the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal then this show is my love letter to you stay tuned Hey listen I've been forgetting to say it is that number one is Facebook lives are always on Fridays at noon eastern time and also please if you haven't yet I would love it if you would rate and review and thank you of course as always

to all of you that have written reviews in the past too hey guys how are we doing today today we are going to be talking shitty days it's a topic that I'm actually surprised we haven't visited yet I kept having to go back to the podcast like to the episodes and reread and make sure that I hadn't touched on this yet because it seems like the most obvious of obvious and I must have in some way shape or form visited the idea of shitty days but um you know in past but anyway it won't be like I do today and definitely wasn't the main topic you know I always like to give you guys the little backstory to my inspiration and share with you what's going on most recently with me so

hopefully even if this isn't going on with you which I can almost guarantee not the exact same thing is happening with you you can just relate it on to whatever is going on with you whatever shitty days that you might be experiencing you know this weekend Sunday was my birthday and it was my 49th birthday and so it's not like a big one but in a way it is because it's the end of my 40s it's the end of a decade and I was like this for my 29th birthday it was like this for my 39th birthday and of course 4 nights to me is kind of like one of the ones that's like ooh anyway ever since I had my daughter her birthday her grandma my her father's mother was hoping that I would have my

daughter on my birthday and although I wanted that too I knew that that wasn't going to happen I had my daughter June 1st so less than two weeks from my birthday so always since I was pregnant with her every birthday of mine is the day that I start thinking oh it's my daughter's birthday to and I used to think of it in a really excited and fun way and and of course in more recent years it hasn't been the same I think of her birthday is another one of those like mile markers of like how long it's been or I wonder what she's going to be doing what I should get her you know and not in like the fun excited way but more of like you know like the H how do I gift

her something that is appropriate yet um you know sends the right message and so that is how I woke up this year too on Sunday I my opened my eyes and I was I saw immediately saw a a Miss call and a text from my mom who was calling me from Scotland on her vacation um saying happy birthday and I was like oh it's my birthday my daughter's birthday right after my eyes opened I had this pit in my stomach you know like [ __ ] and so I got up and I had uh sort of hum Outlook about the day from the start let me back up a little bit too the day before I got ni call from my father who was calling to let me know about the reservation that he had made for the day of my birthday I have not

spent a birthday with my father in a while last year he was at of town the years before that I was in Texas and we just whatever um but this year he was made a point he was like I'm going to be in town we're going to do something together blah blah blah he made made a big deal about this year I because of that did not make any plans for my birthday day so on Saturday called to tell me that the reservation is that such and such that to just come to the house to his house and we would go from there great fantastic that's kind of like our the what we normally do I go and say see his dog and hang out for a little while and then we go on from there let me back up even more from that

he is my father is remarried and he has remarried some that how do I put this without taking up too much time not sounding so so judgy or that like I am diagnosing anybody but let's just say and it would make sense because my father's personality and then the way that I've acted and my choices and people the person he's married to displays narcissist adjacent traits she definitely checks those boxes at least in the exchanges that I've witnessed being in her presence he's been with her for I don't know for as long as my daughter's been alive so at least 17 years and before that there was a whole anyway he's been with her for a while I used to outwardly um revolt against her and I

was a bit of a brat about it years ago and then I uh grew up and decided that I needed to act like an adult and support my father in whatever decision he decided to make for himself because he's a grown ass man and why am I going to resist this right just the logical thing to do so anytime I see her I'm very nice and cordial I am supportive of whatever decisions he makes with her moving forward that's just it is what it is and having said that she and I have not shared a meal together since my father's birthday back in December we don't spend time together she doesn't make time in her schedule for me I don't make time in my schedule for her it's a mutual thing it's fine

we both sort of tolerate the fact that we exist when I see her I am very lovely I have a whole mindset I'm going in with it but I don't love the way she treats him I don't love the way that she controls his time the last 15 or 20 times that my dad and I have been out to lunch or dinner or spend any time together she has not been present my dad has made sure to schedule those lunches dinners and time we have together while she is out of town working which happens pretty frequently I know that she's at a town when he calls and says hey you want to go to lunch you want to go to dinner I'm like oh you must be a bachel this week okay get the picture she's not part of the regular

routine that he and I have so he calls on Saturday and says hey I made a reservation at such and such place meet me here like normal and we'll go from there cool couple minutes later I get a call from him and he says hey change of plans why don't you just meet us at the restaurant did y'all pick up on that meet us at the restaurant and I immediately fixs up on it because and I I was pissed I was already missing my daughter you know all day this was Saturday the day before my birthday I was already in a shitty mood because of it on top of that that Saturday when he called me I was cleaning out my garage because I found a black widow spider and all of these egg

sacks that carry like two or 300 spiders babies inside each of them and three of those sacks were already uh hatched so I was like it was icky I was in a bad mood it was just a shitty you know shitty day shitty feel it was oh and I found a snake the night before just got dark you know what I'm saying I found a uh I thought it was a copperhead it ended up only being a a corn snake I think but it was my back porch anyway just they felt icky and something else happened too but anyway it was just not the best weekend the start to the weekend now I learned that my dad's narcissist wife is going to be present on my birthday in previous years I would have like grinned and

bared it been like oh okay and then I would have been passive aggressive pissed off of my father the whole time when I was out to lunch and probably made him pay for it Without Really intending to but couldn't control myself in the moment I would have just acted like a brad about it so that that was Saturday I kind of stewed about it for Saturday and Sunday morning you guys I realize when I'm sharing this that you guys are going through something more than just your birthday and feeling like [ __ ] I want you to be able to apply this to all your situations the same way you know and I'm was just sharing with you the way that I can be just as bratty or annoyed [ __ ] about [ __ ] as the next

person so as the time the next day unfolded I became more and more Curious still very pissed about what my father was ever thinking to invite her to lunch for my birthday it didn't make sense to me why would he do that and then it did make sense to me because I'm like of course he would do this because he doesn't want to hear the backlash and if she's already got fomo and is controlling with his time and he tries to tell her he's got to go somewhere it's just a scene and I can see that he was trying to save himself like self preservation in the moment so I get it but i' also think that he wasn't thinking about me he wasn't considering what I wanted that day and that's what

pissed me off I can't change how he thinks he is who he is I also think he was oblivious and that pissed me off finally I decided to say something he called on Sunday to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that I could come over to the house beforehand if I wanted to and I was like why why did you do this who were you thinking about were you thinking about what I would want were you thinking oh gosh I know what Shelby would like Shelby would love to have my wife who does not care for her be at her birthday dinner lunch you know anyway I probably should have waited until I wasn't so pissed he did get defensive and he I actually haven't spoken to him since

because I told him that I wasn't going to comp romise myself this year that I was not going to go and cater to do backflips for somebody that wasn't even interested in me you know ever let alone on my birthday I just wasn't going to play the game that one day of the year any other day of the year I would but that one day I didn't I I didn't want to do that and so I basically I canceled lunch you know he wasn't I didn't expect him to I wasn't I didn't expect him to like say I to his wife don't come I knew he wasn't going to I was pissed because in my mind he put me in the situation the choices I had in the moment were not great ones you know it was either go compromise

myself and be pissed at him the whole time for all of this also be pissed at myself for going anyway be pissed at her just for breathing being who she is you know um so that wasn't the wining answer but also I spent my birthday at home here putting grow lights up for my plants I was really bummed then of course the whole time I'm thinking about my daughter and what's upcoming and me not being there for her 17th birthday and when should I send the pr it was it was a just a icky day all around you know it was a shitty day and I had shitty choices I did I I didn't like any of the options in front of me but I did have choices years ago I would have been in that situation and felt completely

victimized I would have blamed everything on my father and then I would have inevitably gone through the whole spiral of going and blaming my father for the reason why I chose my daughter's father now look where I am today all because of him you know I just would have been a big [ __ ] show of victimization and today this my birthday it was not a fun day it wasn't I mean I was talking to myself out loud in the car as I do I was like shitty days just happen sometimes we don't like the choices we have sometimes the options in front of us they're all a bummer not one of them is one we would really choose you know and I think it's really important to acknowledge that it takes

some of the pressure off and out of the situation as a whole just allowing things to be shitty I was disappointed all day on my birthday pretty much all day I went through periods where I was emotional can't say I was fully crying but I was a little teary eyed and sad about all of the whole situation my daughter being miles and miles away from me and I haven't spoken to her and I don't know what she wants this year for her birthday because I haven't talked to her and so I had that going on and then I had this conversation about my father and my brain and his choice and women and this whole situation he's gotten himself in and you know it was just a [ __ ] show all around and

so I think acknowledging that it just was a shitty day and it was not ideal you know I would definitely chosen a different route but I also had to give equal air time to being like proud of myself for the choices that I did recognize and make in the moment I think I could have handled the conversation with my father better for sure I am proud of myself for standing my ground and setting a boundary if you will about what I was going to accept that day being that it was my birthday I was not going to subject myself to playing along with that game of lunch it wasn't what I wanted to do in my heart and I know I would have been mad at myself for doing it and so it was

probably one of the first times that I've taken a stand like that with my father for sure and not allowed myself to sit you know backseat in my own life which I've done way too many times so I I had to recognize that for myself on Sunday the choices that I had were all together not ideal but I did the best with what I had at that moment and next year I won't make the same mistake I won't get my hopes up to have an experience with my father maybe we'll have worked it out by then and maybe we will have a nice birthday whatever something or whatever you know we'll get over it I'm fine with him what happened there speaks more to where he's at the choices that he makes and how he

has to survive at the moment um and keep the peace for his life so shitty days not only happen it's what we're signed up for here on this Earth in this life like adversity it's one of those inevitables it's all relative to each person it's subjective but we all go through some sort of adversity and disappointment in our relationships and in our life we all have shitty days and I think that there is no antidote to them there is no cure it's not something that we need to cure to make it a better day to make it better in our mind you know like oh I need to have a Zen Outlook or an uplevel Outlook yes always perspective is everything but sometimes it is what it is you know people do dumb things

inconsiderate things they disappoint us sometimes it's not just because we have some expectations things happen and are not good and there's no real explanation for them there are absolutely going to be I mean that is just I feel like it's one of those guarantees in life we will find ourselves feeling like we're stuck in between a rock and a hard place and that [ __ ] feels dark and sometimes I think that it causes us to unnecessarily question whether we're on the right track or not is this a sign am I doing it wrong should I have done something else is this my punishment is this blah blah blah right I if you're asking me I just don't know if that's a a great way

to look at it because it can't help you that can never help you to also then add in am I on the wrong track is this a sign that I shouldn't have done blah blah blah because you have nowhere to go from there I think the best thing that you can offer yourself when you find yourself smack in the middle of a shitty day or a shitty predicament bced with making a decision with shitty options on the table whenever moment you realize things aren't going well decide how you want to feel about it moving forward like instead of allowing your emotions to swoop you up and take you maybe I was talking about this in the Facebook live this last week too I feel like I mentioned it recently in one of these

little events you know podcast or live but yeah is to not allow the emotions to take you but and for you to feel at the effect of the day I mean it's going to happen how I was on Saturday and Sunday when he called me for the second time and let me know that I was to meet them at the restaurant I had a lot of thoughts in that moment one of them was oh of course if she's going to be going she wants to spend as little time as possible with me so she's like let's just meet her there and get this done and over with right and so I was pissed about that I wanted to be pissed and then I was pissed at my dad and you know the whole bit but I did I chose to be pissed about it because that was

authentic for me at the time there's a difference when you choose it on purpose and when you feel at the effect like they are taking you for the ride like the emotions are because of how what the other person did in my case my father and his wife right I won't even call her my step mom but yeah I would have felt victimized by him and that would cause me to blame and point at him and need him to change in that moment do you see like I would have BAS my whole day on needing him to go say something to his wife for him to take back everything that happened and like have a whole redo and that could never happen right so I would have just set myself up for a lot

of failure instead I decided I am upset with him but it's my responsibility to advocate for myself in that moment which I did you know I ended up just saying you know what I'm not don't not going to do that and so it wasn't him that caused me to feel that way yeah they did some things that I don't like and I'm going to choose how I want to think about that I really wish that that didn't happen and he didn't choose to invite her but it is what it is you know I have so much more power when I can decide on purpose like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I want to feel flexit about this I'm not happy that he did this so number one is if you are in a shitty situation and hello

alienation being one large one but all the little situations that surround that let's say one of your kiddo's birthdays is around the corner like my daughter's is how do you want to feel on that day and the days leading up to it about the fact that it's their birthday instead of feeling like of course it's my kiddo's birthday of course I feel like [ __ ] of course I'm missing them of course I feel slighted and taken advantage of rejected erased disrespected you know all the things we think it should be a fact that we feel like [ __ ] about their birthday or about whatever is in front of us that like anybody else would feel that way but it's not really it's a choice you know

and you could very well choose all of those the quote unquote negative emotions but still when you know that you're the one choosing them then you have so much more authority over your life I hope that I'm making sense right now so you can have a shitty day but when you choose to have that outlook on purpose then you're not a victim of that shitty day so there's always choices in any predicament work in even when we think that we don't have them open your eyes a little bit more because you can decide how you want to respond in that moment I didn't like that my choices were the ones that I did have the other day would you know like either not go and take care of myself and not

compromise myself and have to play into the game I didn't want to stay home that day but I also did it more didn't want to go and do that you know I wanted to have respect for myself and I could have actually gone and still respected myself how I if that I felt like that that was a better option for me you know but anyway so number one is to choose how you want to feel about the shitty situation at hand as opposed to having it being done at you because it's not a given it doesn't always have to be that you decide that you want to feel like a positive about whatever is going on feeling an allowing for the negative emotion is a positive does that make sense but when we're fighting that

negative emotion and telling ourselves we should be having a positive experience that is a double negative does that make sense people are always looking for happiness happiness happiness happiness and happiness really isn't actually a an emotion it's sort of like a state of being it's a it's a a feeling that you're just like I was kind of saying on the right track right that things are settled chill and you're going where you want to go right but when we're on the search for Happiness and happiness only like I need to be there I need to get to happy you're actually creating a negative experience for yourself because you're basically saying that you don't have

happiness now here is lacking so you create this negative experience for yourself as opposed to learning how to create happiness for yourself in any sit situation that you're in not needing to change the things outside of you in order to to generate and sustain your state of being overall the other day no I was not thrilled about the day but I wasn't willing to compromise my whole state of being and telling myself that like I was this was my life was off track that my father was terrible and I was victimized by that I I chose not to to do that hopefully I'm making sense here striving for things to be any different than what they are is going to make you experience a double negative so

if you can just instead accept where you're at is exactly where everything should be like you're right on track you're creating fluidity is that the word I'm looking for like there's not resistance going on and so then you can create your own force field of homeostasis in any situation you put yourself in that's not to say that you shouldn't experience negative emotions it's just that you're not fighting them to fighting the negative emotion fighting the experience fighting all of that on top of whatever you can't control that's happening anyway you feel me okay so number two the other thing that you do is even if you do choose the quote unquote negative emotions you want

to be disappointed unhappy angry whatever it is give equal air time to experiencing the positive possibilities of the same situation I did a very early episode on this it was narrating equal air time and whatever that that episode like six seven eight one of those episodes give equal airtime to the positive side of things in that situation that you decide that you want to feel shly about so even if you you cannot see a positive side in a parallel universe how might it be possible that a greater outcome could be as a result of whatever has happened for instance with my daughter I don't want to feel joyful about the fact that I am not going to see her for her 17th

birthday right I don't want to be thrilled by the fact that I don't know what she wants as a guest or that I haven't spoken to her whatever F in the blank here and I'm okay with that I've chosen that on purpose but if I'm going to tell stories to myself about all of that if I'm going to catastrophize and sort of ruminate on the bad stuff and like the worst case scenario of what could happen if I send the wrong gift or whatever spend the same amount of energy effort time in thinking about what could possibly go right about me sending her whatever gift I sent her how could this be the perfect gift for her how could this be the perfect situation for the both of us

even that's a like a a little bit more of an advanced question to ask yourself you know so if you're newly you just realized that you've been alienated and it's only been happening for a short time maybe wait on that one like how could this all be happening for me that's it might be a stretch for you and that's okay but look for ways that it could in a parallel universe benefit you in the long run you know what I'm saying how can you use it for you you know it's funny now that I say that I got this message the other day from an old client of mine on the fitness side of things right back um in Austin um a client and really a friend of mine who knew me when my daughter was with me

all the time right and then also when she wasn't with me as much um yeah he knew me from my like the old life right and he wrote me a message about sometimes I post um the the Live Events the Facebook Live Events if I have like a 20 minute video or 20 or 30 minute video and if it was like something I think other people could benefit from I'll post those in on my regular um beond the high road coaching page right not always every so often if it was a if it was a good one and it's just me on camera anyway I'll post those and he watched one of those videos and he wrote to me was really sweet I just watched your latest post and it was wonderful I could listen to you all day

I started crying about how you felt in some ways your daughter saved you made you better and stronger and then he asked do you have a podcast so although I don't fully agree with I believe always in that you and I should really recognize our choice in the matter like I my daughter didn't save me the situation I chose to save myself and I chose to make something out of it you know what I'm saying and I think the same for you if you're taking steps to better yourself as a result of this [ __ ] awful situation of alienation then I think that's commendable and that's amazing and you did have a choice there you could have just like I was saying last week stuck your head in the

sand gone and drank yourself into Oblivion and stayed angry for the rest of your life you know what I'm saying many many many people do that and so for that I think that's amazing of you to be listening to this podcast for instance knowing that this is all about how to to to heal yourself and move on and make changes to your life and to you who you are as a person this is amazing you making these choices yes maybe you wouldn't have made them had this situation not happened but you chose you're choosing over and over each day that you wake up and decide to work on yourself as opposed to giving into the anger you choose that you choose that that is you saving you you know what I'm

saying and I know what he meant here and this was like the sweetest to me I got this and I it meant so much to me like that's so sweet you know I I knew what he meant and I know that he didn't know that he was saying like that my daughter saved me and that I didn't have any power over that I know what he meant he met well and it was very touching but in all reality I chose that I had that power had this shitty situation of alienation not occurred there's probably no chance I mean who knows I don't know we we not in that situation but it took a lot of banging the head against a wall in order to get me here a lot and for that reason I do believe that these things have come

into our lives each of Our Lives for a purpose for a reason like for me you know there was like one thing and then another thing and it got louder and louder and louder and louder until I finally took the hint and here I am here you are listening to me talking in your ear hole right now you know but it was a choice it's still regardless it was a choice I could have done so many things with this and that's what I want you to empower yourself with the The Power of Choice the power of seeing how many decisions you can make in this moment sometimes when you feel oh so stuck and like at the effect of the world and the unsupportive people family friends situations custody

evaluators judges around you I promise you in the hardest of Seasons it'll feel like nobody's supporting you that you have no resources your future looks dark and gloomy and like there's no way out and I want to tell you that I truly believe each time you face that discomfort in like that I don't have any resources I don't know where to go there you I promise you open your eyes and there is a huge opportunity for growth sitting right in front of you almost always it's either right around the corner or smacking your face and there's a choice to make that either number one you are avoiding right and that you don't want to um acknowledge is in front of you and

that's usually one of the choice about your choices your everyday choices a habit or something going on that a relationship that you need to say goodbye to you know complete that relationship and move along with your life there's something going on a choice that you really really need to make that you've been putting off putting off putting off putting off but promise you those kinds of things nine times out out of 10 they have a a way of just becoming louder and louder and louder so there's either that is is going on and there's a choice that you've been needing to make or there is a choice that's going to present itself very soon an opportunity for you to really make something out of this P

mess of alienation right and it may not be instant results you may be feeling like shitty days for a little while and usually how it worked for me and how I've witnessed my people my clients experience it is that when you need it to change when you need the shitty days to go away they will persist but when you stop seeing them as all shitty that there's no choices that's when you start reaching the summit you can breathe easier and you you're able to sort of see a bigger picture of what's to come and what's already happened that's when the shit's behind you you know is when you allow yourself to be okay and feel like you're on the right track even in the midst in the valley in

the gunk of it when you learn how to like bring peace to your own ecosystem of you your immediate energy surroundings a shitty situation or not there's nothing that you can't face you never need to r on anybody to act react respond do not do invite you to whatever in order for you to be happy to feel on track to feel like you belong that's what it all boils down to in the end is that we're all just wanting to belong we want to belong to our children we want to belong to a partner when we want to belong in this world we want to know that we have roles that we're fulfilling and that we're leaving a legacy working towards leaving a legacy that we meant something that we

mattered to people that we contributed in the highest way all of us no matter who we are that's really truly what we're looking for that sense of like mattering and when you matter to you when you realize your own worth the rest of that [ __ ] falls into place you know and then you can make the decisions the shitty difficult decisions like yeah no I'm not going to do that on my birthday even if it is that I end up spinning it alone you know even if it is that I am sad about the fact that I won't see my daughter for her birthday and and share moments with her shitty days happen they do the choices that we may have in front of us sometimes they're [ __ ] terrible you know they

don't feel good no option seems like the one that you want that's okay just make the best option for you at that time and know that you always do have choices and you can choose how you want to feel about it feeling shitty and at the effect of it and wanting to feel better that is going to double your negative emotion you're adding suffering by being like I want to be there I want to feel like this I want them to be doing this so I could feel this way you're adding a [ __ ] ton of self-inflicted negative emotion on top of the shitty situ inition that already is so stop fighting it so that you can make the best decisions for yourself so yeah so if you want to feel a negative that's fine but

also consider the positive all right guys love you have a good day Hey listen I've been forgetting to say it is that number one is Facebook lives are always on Fridays at noon eastern time and also please if you haven't yet I would love it if you would rate and review I haven't actually checked to see in the last couple weeks that there's any new reviews but yes please I would love for you to rate and review especially Apple reviews because they're the only ones that really do written reviews that I know of um but the more of those and that's really where the bulk of um listeners come from so the more people that review the more traffic that apple and other podcasts end up sending

podcast platforms end up sending us so other parents like you and I can feel a little bit of relief so if you're feeling the relief let's let them feel it too and thank you of course as always to all of you that have written reviews in the past too and some of you have actually reviewed two times and when you do that just so you know I learned this from one of you reviewers um thank you by the way when you review a second time it goes on your same review but it goes in a separate like on a separate section of that so if you ever done that and you want to know where your second review is just a scroll down on your first review and it will be there and other people

can see it as well so anyway okay listen thank you for your in in advance for your reviews and your raing I appreciate it you guys and I will see you next week or at the Facebook live this Friday okay bye have a good day thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next week