What To Say When They Ask About Your Kids & The Urge to Commiserate as an Alienated Parent

In episode 126 of the Beyond the High Road podcast, Shelby Milford discusses strategies for responding to questions about your kids and dealing with people who want to commiserate over difficult family situations. Shelby combines insights from a previously unreleased video with reflections prompted by a scene from the TV show White Lotus. Listeners will learn a three-step process for succinctly responding to inquiries about their children and setting boundaries to avoid oversharing. Additionally, Shelby provides her thoughts on handling commiserative conversations, emphasizing the importance of practicing responses and focusing on one's own well-being. This episode is particularly valuable for those navigating the challenges of parental alienation and seeking to maintain healthy relationships while preserving their mental health.

⁠Friends and Fam Parental Alienation Info: ⁠⁠https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/friendsandfamily⁠

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview

02:08 Handling Questions About Your Kids

08:19 Practicing Your Responses

11:27 Dealing with Commiseration

18:07 Understanding Others' Perspectives

20:50 Focusing on Personal Healing

25:30 Setting Boundaries and Moving Forward

31:42 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

#parentalalienation #parentalalienationrecovery #podcastforalienatedparents

Introduction

In our journey through life, we often encounter situations where others feel compelled to pull us into conversations, particularly when it concerns our difficult experiences as parents. For those of us navigating the stormy waters of alienation, these conversations can become both taxing and redundant. Today, I want to share some thoughts on why you're not obligated to entertain negativity and how setting boundaries can liberate you.

Understanding the Pull of Commiseration

Whether it's friends, family, or even acquaintances at social gatherings, it's natural for people to want to empathize or even indulge in shared grievances. They might know a bit about your story and try to support you by engaging in negativity about those who have hurt you. Often, these interactions can stir up old emotions that you've worked hard to overcome. As an alienated parent, these times can be exceptionally difficult as they often feel like a regression in our healing journey.

The Emotional Tax of Reliving the Past

Recalling old disputes brings back emotions and exhausts energy better spent on healing and moving forward. Conversations steeped in past pain can feel disingenuous, pulling you back into the negativity that you may have intentionally distanced yourself from. Every parent who's felt alienated has a version of this story and has at some point battled the urge to relive it through these encounters. It's crucial to remind ourselves that we do not owe it to anyone to regress into the past narrative that burdens our present.

Giving Yourself Permission to Set Boundaries

It's essential to acknowledge that it's okay to set boundaries. You don't need to surrender to the expectation of reliving grievances just to comfort others. Most of the time, people feel uncomfortable themselves and resort to negativity because they simply don't know another way to converse about such sensitive topics. By setting clear, loving, and compassionate boundaries, you not only protect yourself but often relieve others from the cycle of negativity too.

Recognizing Motives and Letting Go

Understanding the motives behind others’ attempts to engage in commiseration can bring clarity. Many times, they do it out of discomfort or because they do not know how else to approach you. This doesn’t justify their actions, but it can help you approach the situation with less animosity and more understanding. It’s about choosing compassion over commiseration, focusing on what nurtures rather than what drains.

The Power of a Positive Stand

Taking a stand for yourself can have a profound impact. Choosing to divert from negativity can empower you and offer new insights into your situation. It's a movement towards positivity and personal growth, demonstrating that you’re not a victim of your circumstances but a creator of your healing path. By not resorting to old stories of woe, you allow room for new stories of success and wellbeing.

Simple Steps to Decline Negative Conversations

When someone invites you into a negative conversation, you can respond with: 

1. Acknowledge their concern.

2. Gently express your desire to move past that kind of dialogue.

Typically, you might say, "I appreciate your concern, but I'm focusing on positive healing right now." This statement allows you to redefine the narrative and position yourself toward growth and healing, moving away from the cycle of rehashing the past.

Conclusion

Remember, when dealing with others who wish to commiserate, the choice is yours. You can kindly step aside from these conversations, prioritizing your mental and emotional health. Not only are you protecting your healing journey, but you might also inspire others to adopt more positive communication paths. Drawing boundaries is a gift to yourself—one that sets you free from the chains of past grievances. May you embrace them wholeheartedly as you continue to navigate your life with resilience and grace.

Thank you for reading. Stay strong, and take care of yourselves. You've got this!

 Episode Transcript

You are listening to the beyond the high road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 52. Stay tuned. Okay. You guys today we are going to be talking about when you feel like you need to commiserate. Or like when they want to commiserate with you, when your friends or your family members or whoever, maybe just some acquaintances, neighborhood people, you know, at a get together, when they want to

talk about how awful and ugly and Mean your ex or whoever's alienating your children from from you are and when they want to engage in the negativity of you know, just circling the dream, talking about all the things and all the old. Like rehashing all of the old events, right. Instances where you know, we're, we're,

You know, all of the ugly instances that you don't necessarily care to relive, but when like friends, family members or something are in town, you just feel obligated to, to entertain it with them, this is like why I avoided so many of the conversations back in the day is because of this. Like I didn't have the energy.

To go down and like into all the negativity and relive rehash all of the events that have transpired, had transpired up until then. And the updating and even feeling like I owed them, whoever I was going to be speaking with an explanation of some kind and that I had to.

In order to get the point across or let them know , what an injustice it was, I needed to, to take on or like regress in my healing in order to show them just how hurt. I was or how much the, my ex had hurt me and our situation. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I felt, this obligation to step out of my current.

Trend of progression put that on hold so that I could have this conversation with this, with these people and act or behave or say things in accordance to what I thought that they wanted the things that I thought that they wanted me to say, So in order to do that, that I had to like regress. in my healing process. And so it just felt so not only disingenuine, but it also felt so taxing. And you know, it's negative, you know, how, what, I don't feel like I almost don't even need to explain this, right? Like, I just feel like every one of us has alienated parents We've gone through this some version or form to some degree have dealt with this feeling like you need To commiserate with the other people, and so this is probably going to be a quick episode today.

I think I don't know how much it needs, but I think it's really important and very, could be very helpful for you to like, sort of have the permission, right? To, to, to know that it's okay. To draw a boundary there with them, right? It's okay , to not fall into that, to not regress not give it energy.

Right? Even though you think that that's what they expect from you. I want to let you in on a little secret there. Is that most of the time,

they, whoever it is, most of the time, they feel that they need to Interact in this way, because, you know, it's kind of an uncomfortable you are very well aware that it's a kind of an uncomfortable conversation to have anyway, right? Many people do not understand it, do not know it. This dynamic is, has been hush, hush for so long that, you know, it's just not talked about.

We just push it under the rug or, or, you know, we, we toss it to the side and, oh yeah, well, Jimmy's situation or, you know, Linda's situation is this, right? We just don't talk about our kids around them when they do bring it up to you. When they're like wanting to commiserate with you and bring up all the negativity.

Well, there's two kinds of people, but when they're wanting to like, Oh God, I can't believe them. They're such assholes. I mean, what were they thinking and what are they thinking now? It's the same kind of person that's like, don't worry when they're 18, you know, the, your kids will come back to you and they'll see all of the things that have been happening and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Right. And you get annoyed, but it seems easier to just not fight it and jump on a bandwagon, right? Oh yeah, it is. It's been so horrible. Not to say it's not been horrible, but you've already been there most of the time.

Most, when we are doing that, when we jump on that train, of commiseration. It's just, we've already been down the road of this has been horrible, whatever, whatever, right? You don't want to have to get dragged down that again. If you jump on, you're jumping on because it just seems like the easier route. I don't feel like stopping them.

I know I can't change how they act. So why even bother? I'm not going to risk pissing off more people, right? Because you already feel alone. And so when somebody Comes and wants to support and commiserate you kind of feels good, right? Because you're in, you've been in a situation where you felt so isolated and the last thing that you felt is support.

Right. You felt so unsupported looked at through a microscope micromanaged and picked apart disparaged, criticized. Right. So when somebody offers you the support and it's like, Oh God, how dare them? I can't believe it. Poor you all. You are such an amazing mom or you're such an amazing father. Anybody could see that. How dare them? What assholes they are. You know what I'm talking about, right? It kind of feels good.

A little bit. I was, I was talking about this. a little bit when it comes to going down that same sort of drain with, with watching the social media posts, ? But this kind of feels good too. It's like, yeah, somebody's supporting me. Yeah, they are assholes, but I'm sure you know too, that it also feels like the easy way out, right?

When you jump in on their, your ex, you know, bashing of your ex, you know, it kind of feels like The easy way out, the lazy way out. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way, because I have definitely engaged in this kind of conversation. And at first I engaged in it because I didn't know how else to think, right?

I didn't know how else to, to what else to believe about my situation and why, of course, I feel like they're assholes and I'm the victim because I am a victim and I cannot see anything past that, right? That was. That there was no other choice for me that that was all I could see for many years, right? I didn't first there was I was traumatized and then I became bitter and angry right and so in the bitter and angry stage I've definitely had no idea what that's of course, I would think that who wouldn't Think this, right?

And then as I'm starting to do the work on myself, and people, you know, I'd gone sort of quiet. I, for me, I retracted. Most of us do, you know, retract in some way or another. And then people start coming to you, trickling, you know, into you, the phone starts ringing and people start texting. Well, I haven't seen you in a while, blah, blah, blah.

It's usually, guess where I saw so and so, guess what I saw, blah, blah, blah. They'll come to you with bits and pieces of information like bait and not because they have any, there are any bad motives. They're not, you know, taking your ex's side or anything, but this is how they know to open up the conversation with you.

They don't, they don't know of another way. Right? It could be that this is who they are. They have always engaged in gossipy sort of stuff. Or it could be the way that they know to open the conversation because it's the elephant in the room. You know what I'm saying? And so they don't know how else to approach you.

But they miss you and they want to see you and they want to talk to you for, you know, because you're an amazing person. And they also do truly feel bad for you. Right. This is an awful situation. And, and the people that shy away from you completely are the ones that are usually scared that this possibly could happen to them.

And so they don't even want to address it because they don't want to, they don't want to consider that idea that this could be a reality for anybody. Right. But the people that are coming back to you and they're engaging, wanting to engage in this negative, negative conversation so often, it's just because they don't.

Know how else to engage with you. Okay. And so regardless of what their motive is, I think it's just nice to kind of consider what might be going on with them as opposed to just shutting it out. I think it helps for our own compassion for the situation because even though they're not the real victims, you know, you know, being, you know, having dealt with this for, I don't, depending on how long you've gone out, gone on, it's been going on for you, but.

You know what the awkward conversations that, that, that happen as after alienation happens. Right. So, it puts stress on all of these relationships because this conversation is so weird and awkward. Okay.

So I think it is nice to consider. It's helpful for me to consider, what might be going on in their heads, like their motives. Right. Not because it really matters with how I act, but then, you know, I was like, Oh, right. Of course, of course they're human too. They don't know really how to approach this situation.

My father still does this. Where he will start to engage in that like, Oh, what a dick? I can't believe blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm not, I don't ever shut it down because there's times where I'm like, yeah, it's true. He totally is. But I don't allow it to I don't jump in on onto that train anymore onto the bandwagon with him anymore.

And he, he doesn't really even, it's not a thing anymore, right? But it used to be, and it used to be very difficult. I used to avoid a lot of conversations. I think that's probably what happened there with, with so many, of my friendships, my you know, the relationships that I did have is that I didn't feel like going through All dredging all that stuff back up and having to explain it and having to regress and go back to that place where I was like, entertaining all and giving the alienating parties, the attention anymore.

I didn't want it to be about them anymore. I really, truly, I was like, I'm so sick of thinking about them. You know, and so it finally got to be that I did, because people kept coming up, I learned how to draw the boundary with them, right? Because when you give in to them talking about that, then you end up dropping the progress that you might have made up until now.

On, you know, pouring into you and considering how you can start to rebuild and grow your life and you get back on that negative feed. If you will, right? And that negative feed does, especially in the beginning has a very strong hold, especially if you haven't built up the momentum in the positive feed area, right?

And so it takes so much energy. I like picture it like high tide. Right. And so, or like a, you know, like seriously, like circling the drain, imagine a huge, huge drain, very strong current. Right. And when you're in that negative pull to get out and get back on the positive again, it takes so much energy. You know, and so what I find is that even though it's super easy to like slip into it right to get, I mean, it pulls you in and you can go and you're stuck right until you finally get the energy to come out, pull out, swim out, and get back onto your onto to your former your previous place right to the into

the positive energy pool, you know what I'm saying? So I think it's just helpful. This is, like I said, a very simple way to, to deal with those, whether who, whoever it is that wants to commiserate with you, with you feel, obligated. To entertain them. I think first ask yourself. Why do I feel obligated to entertain?

Their negativity right now, even though they may not mean or they're not intending for me to Regress, I can't blame them Whatever their reasoning is, that's because of their story. Whatever they're telling themselves about why they need to go into negativity. Like I said, nine times out of ten it's because they don't know what else to say, so they decide to go there because it seems like what they think that you would want to do.

Right. And so many people, especially the, the, the more emotionally grown ones, you know, they will feel a relief when you, when you draw the boundary, right. When you let them know, Hey, look, this isn't. Fun for me, right? They'll feel a lot of relief. Then they'll be like, Oh, great. I don't need to do that. I don't need to go that down that route.

Right. But then there'll be some of the other ones that really do want to, because they are used to thriving on the gossip and the negativity. And that's fine. They can do that. You don't have to be a part of it. Right. So ask yourself, why, why is it that you want to go down the drain? Go, you know, that you feel obligated to, to entertaining, the.

They are negative attitude. ? What about it is appealing to you? Because there always will be, if you're doing it, if you find yourself in the habit of going into the negativity, are getting drawn in, you feel like it's due to an outside influence. Like you feel like I'm fine if I'm by myself, but the second that somebody else wants to do it, then I just feel tempted to jump in.

The band, you know, jump on the bandwagon and do it with them. It's like you'll be fine, fine, fine. And then you get on the phone with the person that you always used to gossip with, or the person, maybe you go to you know, it's, there's always somebody that you're just, it's just where your brain goes, right?

So ask yourself what the benefit is. Okay. What, why do I think that it's worth it for me to. To give into this to get it given to the negativity. Okay. And then once you learn what your benefit is, maybe like, for instance, I can imagine like for me at times, like I was saying earlier, it was easier for me to go, especially in the beginning to go to the negativity, because I had that well rehearsed.

I'd been thinking the negative thoughts for so long. It was just easy for me to go that route. Also, I was doing it because I wanted to people, please. Because I didn't want to disappoint the person who was being negative, who was drawing me in, right? And like I said, a lot of times, depending on how emotionally evolved they are, they will, they will find it a relief when you actually the one that stands up and draws the boundary, which is so interesting, right?

So but yeah, I would do it because of people pleasing. I didn't want to feel the discomfort. of telling them and standing up for my own healing. And so instead I felt the discomfort of being in that negativity. It's like, kind of like this odd gratifying negativity that ends up lasting a whole lot longer than the discomfort You would feel to tell them, Hey, listen, I don't really want to entertain the negativity right now.

I'm just not in the place for that. Which is such a simple answer. And then that discomfort's gone. Just takes a second. And you're also probably then respected by somebody, but we're not doing it for what anybody else thinks. Okay. So I would have done it for people pleasing. . For also Because I felt peer pressured, which will turn right back into people pleasing too, right? I felt pressured to do it because I thought that if I didn't, then I wouldn't be accepted by the other person, that , this was my in.

Finally, I felt so out on an island and unsupported. Now this person is coming and they're offering me their support by, by way of being negative. And I better take what I can get. And then the last way is I kind of hinted at this earlier was when you give into the negativity, because you think that this way it'll get known how poorly. the alienating parent or alienating party, did actually treat you and what a raw deal you got. So, therefore, somehow eliciting, more support for yourself, right?

But in turn, Like sort of publicly victimizing yourself, even though you don't want to identify as that identify as a victim. None of us ever do. Right. But that's sort of what that part of our brain does is look, look, look what they've done. Do you see? Look what they've done. And in this way, then they will be found out.

But meanwhile, now you feel kind of measly, like, incapable. You don't mean to do that, but that just ends up being a byproduct of it. But so then it could, because if you don't give into that negativity, then it'll seem like either you don't care. And therefore, what kind of parent are you? Or that it didn't affect you as much as it would affect them.

You think that they would be affected or somebody else, right? It's like these silly reasons. That we continue on. It's all much of it is for appearances Right what we think that they are going to think about it, but the and the and but the Price that we pay as a result is high, right? It's no fun.

And then you find yourself avoiding conversations, not answering your phone, turning it on silent all day long, you know? And then the next time that you do want to have a conversation with this person, you realize that you've been avoiding their phone calls for however long. And of course you can't call them So then you sort of like isolate yourself as a result of avoiding The negativity that you think is going to be whatever.

Okay. So I beat that into the ground. So what do you do? So you, like I said, you ask yourself what you think that you're getting from it, the benefits that you are getting from it, and are they worth it to you? Okay. Once you spell this out to yourself, like really recognize it, acknowledge it, then you'll notice that you'll start to drop the behavior or you'll become more aware of when you're doing it is like the first thing.

Maybe you're not ready to drop it and that's okay. Like anything is okay. But I do think it's really smart and really helpful to be aware of everything that you're doing because then you're choosing it on purpose and you don't look back and like, And you don't look back and like, God, I, you know, I wasted my life or I didn't do this and I wish I would have when you're aware of everything that you're doing and why you're doing it, then you're making it, then you're choosing it.

Right. And you're choosing exactly what you want. And then there's no, you know, you're living a life purpose, you're purposing your, your intentions. Okay. So what are, what are the benefits that you're receiving from it? Are they worth it? And if they're not worth it and you're ready to draw a boundary, if you remember from the boundaries episode, the boundaries that you set are for you.

So like in this instance, somebody comes, they want to commiserate with you, I was just talking with a client about this at the end of last week. And so they had family members coming in and friends coming in for a, for a hearing, and , he felt my client felt obligated to entertain their attempts to commiserate.

And was a little nervous about it. So here's what you do. You let them know kindly with love and compassion. It means nothing about them. They are fine for wanting to do the commiseration. They're fine for wanting to go to the negative space.

It makes sense. This is something that's not known, you know, like this is, this is new. It's something, you know, you people. People judge what they don't know, and they fear what they don't know. And so this is how a lot of people respond to it. So you just say, you know, I found that for me, when I go to that negative place, and I start to, rehash all of the events, although they did happen, and I am not denying that they did, and I'm not allowing them to get off.

You know, Scott free, right? However you want to say that, but I know that they've happened. In fact, painfully aware. And now I'm been so happy working on my own healing from this. And for me, because I tend to. Go negative. I would prefer to focus on what I'm doing and where I can find my power. it's fine that you talk about them that way.

I'm not offended by any means, but I'm just going to excuse myself from the conversation if and when you feel the need to do it again. You know, and so you let them know, just like in the boundaries episode, if you haven't heard that one, then you can listen to that after this and then just apply it to this situation, right?

There's nothing wrong with the fact that you're doing it. I, I, I, there's, you are, this is completely normal that you would, you would be, you know, that this would be. Attractive to you to want to bash them and I get it. I feel you. I was there to times a million, you know, but it's just doesn't, this is one that I used a lot. I'm just not there yet. I don't want to, to take myself to veer off the track right now because I feel like I'm gained some momentum and I'm really liking the results that I'm creating for myself. Focusing on what's ahead. What's now? What's ahead, right? That doesn't mean that when you say that doesn't mean that I'm not focusing on my Children.

It's just that I'm not focusing on past events that I can't change. And so each time that they bring it up, you decide what you will do as a result. It's your boundary to, to make, right? To draw, but they can continue doing whatever they're going to do. You just may or may not excuse yourself in the conversation or whatever it is that you decide.

Right? So yeah. They're going to want to, a lot of people, it's the easy way out. They're going to want to commiserate. They're going to want to bash them. It, it feels like when they do it, they, they feel like they're doing you a solid. A lot of times they think that that's, that is the way that they know to support you to feel like that they are comforting you.

Right. That's how we, a lot of us have been conditioned, right? This is how we've been brought up, socialized. Is that when somebody's hurting, then we just... You know, go have drinks and bash the person that, that hurt them. Right? But more and more data is coming out showing that this does not help. Right?

In fact, it can be re traumatizing. It can, like I was describing earlier, suck you into that negativity pull and it's much harder , to recover from, so yeah, that's it. That's all I got for you is that if you feel pressured into negativity or into the negative conversations about your situation or whatever it may be.

Right. It's okay to, to draw a boundary for yourself. In fact, I think it's. Entirely healthy and it could, cause them cause your friends, family members, whoever it is that you, you do this with, it could cause them to to also want to follow, to, to,

to follow that same route, right? You could be modeling to them without even realizing it. You could be, you know, a teacher or an influence for them. Who knows, but yeah, standing up for yourself in this way is, it feels so refreshing, right? It feels so, I feel like it feels like a release. Like you are setting your own self free from all of the negativity that happened in each time that you do draw this boundary and don't and you decide not to follow them down into the negativity.

It's like you're one step further away from being a victim. In your situation of alienation, right? It's one more conversation that didn't dominate you, right? And let you and cause you to go back into the shame cycle and into the all of the negativity, right? So hopefully that helped somebody. You guys have a wonderful, wonderful week.

All right, take care guys. All right, that's it. I think I did it.