Letting Go Of "Should" Talk

guys how's everybody doing today it is ugly outside I think it's ugly everywhere pardon me while I finished putting a top coat on my nails I was just painting a Valentine's Day theme even though I really I can't say dislike Valentine's Day I just think it's kind of a holiday but I made these cute little hearts I don't know if you can see them or not oh that looks really fuzzy actually the heart looks way cuter than what that's showing there anyway they're really cute when you see them close up they look like real hearts not like blobs so today you know before I even start as I'm painting it just reminded me of somebody's podcast I can't think of who it is right

now it'll come to me in a minute where this is a genius idea where they it's a girl she's blonde I can't remember who it is but she has her guests come on and they knit or they do something while they're talking about like emotional topics who is that because they're doing something with their hands while they're talking it actually allows the guest that she's interviewing to divulge more information than the guest otherwise would have I think it's genius and so they sit and being creative and it opens up that part of the mind and plus two while you're doing something like that of course it calms your nerves and so more authentic you know genuine thoughts come out so um that just made me me

painting my nails finishing up my nails there just remind me of that that is genius thing to do and if you are like me and a little bit ADHD or a lot bit ADHD you know probably how amazing that sounds to be interviewed or be doing anything honestly if I could be roller skating and recording this I would be doing anything other than sitting down for a few reasons but I'll get into that in a second but yeah I mean I work so much better more efficiently when I'm able to be doing something at the same time especially in conversation with somebody um some might want to call that a nervous tick but I think it's actually the way that our brains work we can tap into different areas of our brain

depending on what we're doing with our hands and with our bodies so anyway not at all what we're going to be talking about today speaking of uh sitting or standing the last couple weeks I had this happen for like a hot minute back in like 2020 is but the symptoms Went Away really quickly and then it hadn't happened again until a couple weeks ago I have self- diagnosed I have not yet gotten into the doctor because here in Florida one thing I can't stand about living here is it takes like 6 months to get into the damn regular doctor it's ridiculous it's all the older people living here no offense to anybody but anyway besides of the point I'm just trying to shift responsibility for my

own health right now I believe that I have thoracic outlet syndrome which is I get like it happens on my left side but it's tingling in my left hand and my thumb and forefinger and my index finger doesn't hurt it's just uncomfortable and it happens when I sit so if I'm a little Wiggly today and you're watching this and you know why that's just my little disclaimer I might be a little bit more Ants in My Pants than normal but today we're going to be talking about for the year I'm offering that you join me and making taking the word should out of your vocabulary my bet is that the word is more ingrained in your thoughts your thought systems and your speech then you

might think maybe you already know you're like oh yeah no I should myself all the time but maybe you don't even know that you're saying it to yourself but it's rarely helpful for us to should on ourselves I wrote down some of the instances that might come up for y'all the way it has come up for me and I recalled some of the things that my clients say we should on ourselves and then we also should on how other people should be behaving in both of those cases though it rarely produces the result you want and if it does get you to the end result the way that you got there is usually by guilt which means that you are not likely to keep creating the result that you want from should so

I'm going to give you some some examples some of the things I wrote down here I've got them separated in present and past tense if you're yourself it sounds like I should go to the gym I should start dating again I should eat better I should write that email I should be further along than I am I should look forward to my parenting time I should look forward to my scheduled call with my kid I shouldn't feel nervous about or have mixed feelings about see my kids I should be writing them letters in my journal every day I should be journaling every day I should be sending them more gifts I should be doing more I should be doing less I should be more focused more

disciplined more self-aware more poised you get the picture I'm going to stop there for a second and go over the present tense for our own selves we often times by should in ourselves we're really putting pressure on ourselves to be different than we currently are or to be doing something different than we currently are doing um we're either should be further along and that is inferring sending the message to ourselves that we are not enough we're not doing enough we're not where we're supposed to be and I'm sure that you guys if you've been listening to the show for a little while know my stance on this and how I'm helpful that kind of thinking is and where you currently are

with your healing with your maybe rebuilding your life where you are on your profession where you're headed all of that is exactly where you should be and when we should ourselves want us to be want our own s to be somewhere different than where we currently are we end up guilting ourselves into stagnancy I can think back to so many of the times I think I know that I actually did an episode on this before if I should be further along then that means that I should be somewhere that I don't even know where that is yet because if I knew where I wanted to end up like exactly where I wanted to end up then I would have had a plan and I would have already been there but if I'm not

further than I am right now then clearly something is there's a gap and I haven't yet figured out how to cross that bridge so by should in myself like I should be up there but here I am here in the dold drums then I end up creating this place of confusion and uncertainty it's the opposite of helpful let me also touch on one that I hear from my clients on the constant and that is and one that I still do sometimes on myself but especially when I didn't understand or realize what I was doing I would often guilt myself for not looking forward to my parenting time with my kiddo I always want to spend time with my daughter but when and and I did back then and I'm not

just like I I love truly love spending time with my daughter and if it were that alone there would be no issue but for me each time I spent time with her before was a reminder that things were not right in my mind that things were not how they should be in my mind and so the time leading up to the 24 hours leading up to exercising my parenting time and by parenting time I mean supervised visit I would Teeter between excitement dread fear and shame and that would be a little cycle that I did for a good 24 hours sometimes longer before leading up to going and having our visit which was weekly at that point and I remember very distinctly like getting in the car on the way to see her wanting to

like crawl out of my skin because I was still in that argument with reality facing that things were the situation was what it was and that I was yet again going to another supervised visit to see my own daughter I would often bring crafts to do projects for us to do so that it wasn't awkward like you know the loom where you would make like poot holders but we made different stuff or we made those bracelets We would paint rocks and made Garden stones with u little stones that you would put inside like or the cement and whatever so I would bring one of something like that almost every time that I saw her either that or we had something else planned right I would still dread going there

because I knew that I would have to face the situation and see the supervisor there with us the shame of that and the cold hard reality that after two or three hours that I would have to part ways with my daughter not see her again for a week or two and that was brutal but what I did and I think what I would have loved for me to know back then is that the shaming I was doing on myself leading up to going to see her was not that it I was going to have to face reality and have the supervisor there I mean that was there a little bit but the shaming I was doing on myself was you should want to go to these this is your daughter why aren't you looking forward

to these of course you should be jumping for Joy because you get to go see her and you're not what is wrong with you you shouldn't be anxious you shouldn't be dreading this you shouldn't feel fear you should feel comfortable around your daughter you should know more about what she wants what she is doing these days you should know more about her Hobbies what her favorite color is now what her blah blah blah blah when we shame ourselves guilt ourselves it is not rational and so that part of you will forget to add in the context for why you're not looking forward or why you don't know the favorite color it only paints like this very vague sloppy picture sort of making you out to be the

bad guy and the bad parent in that situation and so I I think if I had that clarity back then this Clarity back then I would have been maybe a lot easier on myself than I was I really guilted myself shamed myself a lot and told myself that I should have been different than I was and so if you're going through that right now just remind yourself each time with any of the shoulds bring all of your thoughts to inquiry and make sure that you're providing context for your yourself so that you're not just making yourself out to be this horrible person that should want this or should know what your kids Milestones have been if you're not spending the time with them so in the

present tense too when you're telling yourself that you should be doing something I actually have more thought I thought this was going to be I always think it's going to be a quick episode much more to say than I thought when it comes to I should be eating better I should be making more money doing something that you're not I think the best better question or the better approach to that is deciding what you want to do about whatever you're Shing on yourself ask yourself in that moment when you're like I should go to the gym do I want to go to the gym do I have time to go to the gym again bring context and decide whether that's something that you are going to do and

then move forward in a very intentional way a about whatever that thing is and let go of the should because if you can decide like for something as simple like is I should go to the gym if you can stop it takes maybe a few seconds to do this and go okay do I want to go to the gym yes I absolutely want I truly want to go to the gym not like I should want to go to the gym but I actually do want to go to the gym is this a possibility is anything else in the way of that okay well work and blah blah blah and and I actually probably won't have time for it fill in all the context then do I decide to make time for it or do I value the other activities more than going to the

gym today that way you're like mindfully deciding what it is you actually want to do about the situation you're being logical about what the illogical should brain is telling you that you should be doing that part of your brain is there to sort of torture you it's this this sense of obligation that you should be eating better when you come from a place of I want to be eating better I do want to eat better I am going to prioritize eating better see the difference in your attitude towards eating better or going to the gym or whatever it is that you want to do I should go for a walk right now okay am I going to go for a walk why or why not I don't want to go for a walk

right now but I made a commitment to myself to go for a walk right now we're coming off of New Year's not coming off of resolutions but coming just out of the time frame when things start getting real 25 days into the new year and people are like deciding whether or not they how long they have could I make it for another two months I had a three-month goal am I going to keep going willpower starts to wear off right about now and so that's why I was doing this episode today because so often we have these bright ideas about making these resolutions and about what we want to do before summertime we want to get our swimsuit body back or we want to lose such and such pounds so you can

wear that cute pair of shorts or you want to gain so much muscle or whatever it is so common for people to make these very lofty goals for themselves but when push comes to shove and if you're using willpower in order to make that goal happen then it's not uncommon to run into some fatigue we only have so much willpower per day really and so much overall willpower per goal like that is science backed so if you have made a commitment to yourself to go to the gym every day after work for the next 3 months my bet is is that come 6:00 or whatever it is whatever time it is that you get off work and you're headed towards the gym you've already made a lot of decisions throughout your day and

your willpower especially if you're on an eating plan too your willpower might be like at the point where you're teetering it's not as strong as it was when you woke up in the morning so those are things to think about that's a whole different episode and being that came from my nutrition and fitness background if you guys want I'm happy to do a series on that stuff on proper goal setting for your health and fitness happy to do that but today I'm going to stick to topic so basically what I'm saying is you want to put context to your shoulds on yourself right is it something I want to do and Is it feasible if it's not feasible do I want to make it feasible and then have your

own back on whatever you decide once you gain and spell out all of the other factors then you usually have an easier time for you to let go of the should you stop tormenting yourself do you want to do it do you not want to do it is it realistic y yada the second one we're going to talk about is the present tense they that might sound like they shouldn't be alienating my kid from me they should be supportive of my relationship with my kid my neighbor should be less annoying my mom should call me more my kids should want to spend time with me all children should be respectful of their parents my child should call me on my birthday my partner should do more

around the house loving Partners should fulfill each other's wants and needs they should know what I want and provide it my boss should pay me anymore lawyers should charge less money people shouldn't be rude you know that I could go on and we could get very creative with this but you get the idea you guys have heard me talk about the manual before when we have these unspoken set of rules for each person that we have in our lives right all of those shoulds those are just standards that we have for other people and although some of them seem across the board realistic for somebody to follow as if there is a general code and a rule for all people to follow one way it's

not the case you know different cultures have different ways of thinking about this even from family to family the ideas of what is considerate and what is not what is acceptable what is not changes right and so there are a few of those on that on that list that I know um all of us probably share and that's that kids should be respectful of adults of their parents and that are your kids should want to see you they should look forward to their time spent with you that the other parent should be supportive and should be an advocate for your relationship with your kid those are the ones that I think probably hit home the most they should be your supportive of your relationship another

very common one is that I should have had more guidance more support from my parents when I was growing up we want things to be different we want them to be different when we're telling ourselves should it's still not helpful but it's so much more controllable because we have the power to change that when we're saying that somebody else should be different than what they are then we have now victimized ourselves right they should act better they should want to see me all of these rules that we have that we don't even realize our our own thinking as a result of our own thinking each time that you say that somebody should be some whatever way ask yourself who you would

I got this from Byron KY but who would you be without being able to think that thought how would you be able to show up if you didn't have the ability to think that thought if that thought never occurred to you that they should be different how can you get to the place where they should be doing exactly what they're doing maybe not every kid does want to hang out with their parents and what I like to do is take like however they're being when I want them to be different than how they're acting then I usually like to think about how it is that they are being the way they're being for me like not that they're doing it as Charity towards me or that they're doing it uh

that their intention is anything other than what their agenda is but that how is it that this situation of them being the way that they're being could be beneficial to me and be my teacher like how are they being my teacher in this moment what can I learn from this maybe I decide that I want to learn patience right I want to exercise more patience for whoever it is that I'm speaking about maybe it's that I am expecting my kiddo to show love to me more than how is it that I can show me love to me more right because when I'm loving me fully then I don't need my kid to love me any more than she already is when I'm loving myself fully then I don't need my partner to do all of the things that I

think and expect a partner to do in order to show that they love me I have way less rules for people when I am fulfilling my own needs that's the answer to everything you are so much l less needy and feeling less victimized when you know that you are able to provide for yourself in all of the truest most genuine ways that you possibly can and so usually the follow-up question what I would have asked back in the day is well what if I'm not able to provide the things that I think that I need and if that's the case for you then I would just urge you to look further into that because you right now as you are are absolutely fully equipped to provide yourself with

exactly what it is you're looking for in somebody else when you learn to provide it for yourself the rewards you create for yourself your result is that much sweeter and it may take longer when you're doing it for yourself if we're talking about like external things like money it may take longer but the fact that you have now taught yourself how to be the person that creates that money for yourself the emotions you generate from that alone is so much more than feeling like you need to rely on somebody else to create that for you okay so now we're going to go into the past tense version of should I should have sued for custody I should have filed the modification earlier I should

have eaten better I shouldn't have driven that one night I should have acted on it sooner I should have known better seen the signs anytime that there's a should shouldn't about our history anything that happened back when it's always a way to punish ourselves or hold ourselves back in the now limit our capabilities in today I should have applied myself in school and then I wouldn't be where I am today I should have known not to date him or her back then and I wouldn't be where I am today or I would have been further along than this whatever it is when we look back at what we did or didn't do it is most often a romanticized view of what could have been so again provide the context

ask the questions should I have was that really an option for myself and back then did I have all the information that I have today and if I did or didn't do whatever it was I had all the information there was obviously other circumstances that I'm not considering right now that I was considering back then that made me think that this was the right thing to do at the time right so it's just always as with all the other things that I offer to you guys is just advocating for yourself in the moment when that part of your brain wants to torture you for this year my proposal for you is to really if you're going to focus on one area I think that eliminating these shoulds shouldn't

would be so helpful for your mental health in your state of mind on a day-to-day basis take out the shoulds that language ends up limiting you and your possibilities for your future and how you view yourself today instead of using should make the decision in the moment is this something that I want to pursue or is this something that I can put on the back burner is this a not yet not now thing it's a simple way to eliminate the problem because the should suggest to you that you're not doing enough and that you need to be contemplating the decisions you already have made and that keeps you on the fence it keeps you stagnant and second guessing yourself oh what you really

should be doing is blah blah blah suggesting that what you are doing right now isn't the right thing to be doing as if there is one right thing that you should be doing it also helps you to hold yourself accountable for the choices that you are making and do you want to redirect yourself and go towards whatever you're shoting yourself to do like do you want does it make sense for you to go do that thing if you're mindfully deciding in the moment you Empower yourself so it's a surfire way to get you into motion and out of the place of uncertainty confusion and doubt a lack of trust with yourself so yeah next week we'll actually get into that more we're going to be talking about

developing self trust and discipline with yourself for yourself but we will talk about that next week so I would just like you to consider what life might look like for yourself if you eliminated the should the obligation to be different than you currently are it's two different things to Aspire to grow into the future version of you mindfully intentionally and then it's another thing to say that you should be somewhere else right this idealistic unrealistic version of yourself you will find that when you go the first route you will move the needle a lot faster and you will feel a lot more confident and better about yourself in the process so yeah take the should

and shouldn't out of your vocabulary next week we shall talk about self trust and discipline okay guys have a wonderful week