In the latest episode of Beyond the High Road, I explore a deeply personal and significant journey of self-acceptance and radical self-love, especially tailored for those experiencing parental alienation. I invite you to delve into the topic of "holding space for yourself"—a practice of allowing yourself to be as you are, without judgment or the pressure to change. This philosophy not only impacts our self-perception but also the message we send to our children and the world around us.
The Journey to Self-Love
Throughout life, many of us are taught directly or indirectly that we must change to be loved. My personal narrative is no different. Reflecting on my childhood, influential figures like my aunt and a nameless kind-hearted man from my past showed me that true love doesn’t require anything but being yourself. They didn’t need me to wear masks or perform roles, offering acceptance that felt almost intoxicating. This notion of accepting oneself unconditionally is pivotal, especially in the context of parental alienation. As alienated parents, we often find ourselves questioning our worth, trapped in the tumultuous emotions of loss. This episode is a gentle reminder that you are whole and lovable, irrespective of external opinions or past experiences. ###
Navigating Negative Situations
Acknowledging negative situations without labeling them as such is another profound aspect of self-love. I shared a story about an eye doctor visit where my accommodating nature led me to forgo my needs. This incident, though seemingly mundane, mirrors broader life patterns—especially those we develop in childhood. We learn to accommodate, to fit in, and often at our own expense. By examining these patterns, we can begin to see that every version of ourselves—past, present, or future—is worthy and enough. It’s about redefining situations, not just spinning negatives into positives, but seeing them without bias. This practice requires us to look at our lives with fascination rather than judgment. ###
Holding Space for Yourself
Holding space for yourself means allowing your feelings and experiences to be just as they are. Imagine yourself through the eyes of those who love you unconditionally. They don’t seek to change you; instead, they cherish you as you are. This practice extends to how we parent ourselves, offering kindness and acceptance for our emotions and actions. It’s challenging, but crucial, especially when navigating hardships like alienation. By holding space for ourselves, we set a powerful example for our children, whether or not they are currently in our lives. It teaches them resilience and self-worth in the face of adversities. ###
Embracing Radical Acceptance
The concept of radical acceptance involves acknowledging your journey and appreciating each stage of your life. It’s recognizing that your past selves, including those that made mistakes, are equally deserving of love and acceptance. Each experience has cumulatively brought you to where you are today. Embracing this perspective fosters growth without undermining where you’ve previously been. As you pursue growth, aim for an "and" mindset rather than an "or." You are striving for betterment while appreciating your journey so far. It’s not about achieving a superior version of yourself; it’s about evolving while knowing you are complete just as you are. ###
The Power of Being Enough
Recognizing that you are enough right now can transform how you approach life. Acknowledge your accomplishments, not from a place of deficit, but from a foundation of pride and appreciation. Your past and present selves have laid the groundwork for your future. Remember, there’s no definitive better or worse version of yourself—just different facets of one beautifully evolving being. In closing, I encourage you to love yourself madly and hold space for exactly who you are. In doing so, not only will you navigate your personal journey with grace, but you will also inspire the same resilience and self-love in those around you, particularly your children. Remember, the pathway to self-acceptance and love starts with you, and with each step, you are moving toward becoming the most authentic version of yourself. Stay tuned for more insights, and as always, thank you for being a part of our community at Beyond the High Road. Until next time, take care.
Episode Transcript
You are listening to the beyond the high road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 115. Stay tuned. Hello, you guys, how are we doing today? So I am recording this sort of on the fly. Hence the very casual attire. If you're watching, in fact, so casual that I have camo what do you call these kinds of shorts?
Cargo shorts on under, you can't see the below, but, um, very casual right now. But anyway, , Today we're going to be talking about, holding space for yourself. And what I mean by that is allowing yourself to be who you are, how you are, what you are.
without coming into a space of judgment or needing to change anything. so yeah, that's what we're going to talk about. But first I wanted to read that kind of review the second review that I was referring to last week. this is from Luke
says from broken to thriving. I found beyond the high road after listening to close to 100 other podcasts on parental alienation. Nothing else came close to what Shelby brings to the table. Her story, her strength, and the way that she breaks things down make you stop and really think about yourself and your situation. . I went from feeling absolutely crushed about losing my kids to realizing I could actually become someone better through all of this.
Shelby doesn't just talk about the pain and the effects of alienation. She gives you the tools to thrive. She shows you what's possible when you do the work to rebuild yourself. Her insights into the human mind and heart are on a whole different level.
She's been through so much and yet she's so strong. Every episode leaves me in awe of her resilience and makes me want to grow into that same kind of strength. Honestly, I want to be like her when I grow up. If you're struggling with parental alienation or narcissistic abuse, or even if you're just trying to figure out how to move forward in life, this podcast will speak to you in ways you didn't know you needed.
Shelby is a gift, and Beyond the High Road deserves all the recognition it can get. This is such a, like, I have chills. Thank you. I wrote you a response email last week I'm sure you got that, but just that made my day. It makes my day again to read it today. I thought about it last night and you put a smile on my face as all of your reviews do. but this is just so thoughtful and, I know it took some time Probably took some time to put all that into words.
So I just, I really appreciate you Luke. So thank you. And yeah, there was something he said in here that actually ties into what we'll be talking about today. But a couple things, actually, but
he said I went from feeling absolutely crushed about losing my kids to realizing I could actually become someone better throughout all this, or through all this. And that is something that I think is, it really is next level for all of us to envision for our, each of our lives, right? Because it's one thing to see a situation those things outside of us that we can't control and just decide to, because it's a negative situation, , like come up with the, silver linings, . And think positive ways about the situation.
Right. And so it's still a negative, but we're just going to think positive. It's okay because it's going to teach me to grow, right? That's one way to go about it. And that's excellent. And it will change a lot of lives. To, take a negative situation and find the positive from it and move forward.
Right? And then it's a whole nother level to look at this negative situation and realize that maybe it's possible the thought that's negative situation is just that it's only a thought and that maybe possibly there are other ways to look at the situation so that it's It's not a negative situation at all and I know that when we're talking about our situations of alienation, that seems crazy town, right?
There are tweaks and ways to not hacks, but ways for you to, and it's just very, it's a personal, um, very subjective, Ways to look at your situation and find really focus on. All of the positive and focusing on that positive will really make you question the negativity that you once thought was there.
So I do this now, and I'm sure you guys have heard me sort of stumble on my words in the past about what if there was a genie in a bottle. came and granted me one wish, what would it be? And I'd always say, Oh, well, if you asked me a million times over, I would just go back to how everything was and get my daughter back and never have any of this stuff happen.
Right. But as soon as I say it, I always am like, is that true? Because if that were true, and of course, for my daughter's sake, but still even that. Like, who's to say that this isn't going to make her into the most amazing human in the world and who knows who she's going to help or who she's, you just never know what's going to happen of this situation, right?
Kind of like that, um, that old fable that I talked about with you guys, with the farmer and his horse, right? Good luck, bad luck, hard to tell so many times we something blows up in our lives, and we like instantly want to label it bad or good or wrong or right or difficult or easy or whatever it is, we, it's human nature to label something and just so that we can settle our minds, know what we need to do to move forward, But a lot of times those labels are what get us stuck in repeating all the Events of our past over and over again, So, what he said there is exactly that. It's, it's, it's one thing to just be able to say, this is an awful situation, but I'm going to make it better.
. And it's another whole thing to be like. Okay,
Because of this thing, this, tragedy of alienation has now shown me how I can grow as a person. So for that, it's a huge plus. I don't know if I ever want to give this back. You know, the, the current version of me back, I was just thinking about this last night too. I wasn't even relating it to what I was going to be sharing today, but I was like, Gosh, you know, I, I, I was thinking about the past version of me back when my little one with Scarlett was like one and a half, two years old, and we were first living just her and I, I was thinking about how
naive I guess I was, like, Oh gosh, I, I would love to go back to that time and experience those happy moments again, because I still do have that idea in my mind that back then. There's a part of me that thinks back then was better, right? And that's something that I'm still coaching myself through.
So there's this like idea that's kind of stuck in the emotional part of my brain and the mom part of my brain. Right. Which will always be there. But like that then was better because. It was bliss and it was enjoying all those moments and that part I don't think that I'll ever want to change.
But I was thinking about me back in that time too and I was like, I don't know if I ever want to go back to that person that I was then. Not that she was wrong or bad or anything, you know, I just love what all of this has brought me. What I have made of all of this, right? It wasn't that the alienation caused it, right?
It was what I decided to do with it. But anyway. Um, so thank you, Luke. Okay. So reason why today's topic came up is because today's topic recently I noticed some habits of mine that were not loving to me, from the outside looking in, it's so subtle. That maybe many people wouldn't see it, but I notice it and it is, it's sort of like sneaky little things and I'll explain.
so, I wear contacts. I've been wearing contacts my entire life. I can't see far away. and then of course, now that I'm getting to be, the upper, upper forties, I can't see a closeup as well with my contacts on either, but I have had this ongoing saga with my.
Nearby eye doctor since, since I moved here pretty much six months after I moved here. bought like a three year care program and I have been on , this three year, three year saga. of trying to find the contacts that actually work for my eyes.
Now that I'm doing like the close up and far away, right? I had the right formula before when I left Texas. But this place there's just a high turnover over there.
Doctors have been in and out. And so I will get established with one doctor and they'll leave and then I have to start the whole process over and it's super frustrating. Right? Well, the last doctor that I saw, was. Um, efficient, you could tell, seemed like he knew what he was talking about, but also seemed really rushy. And in retrospect, looking back, kind of like he just wanted to get to the next person and didn't really care, right? But I'm not bitching, it is what it is, I get it, it's whatever, but I noticed in me that I didn't end up getting the care that I wanted and get my context, my vision taken care of because I was like the empath in the situation, I was feeling him needing me to rush.
So I just, I just settled for the contacts that he ordered for me, even though I knew that they weren't right. I noticed in the moment when I was sitting in that office that I was rushy and I was like fidgeting and acting on his behalf.
The entire time I was there, like accommodating him and maybe nobody else noticed it, but I sure as heck did because now it's been affecting me for the last two months because now I have these other contacts in my eyes that don't work. And so I did all that to my own detriment, my daily detriment, you know?
Um, and. I was like, why, Shelby? why are you caring so much about what others, needs are? Not that I never, like I was going to be, considerate and aware of that on some level, right? But overly to the point where my needs don't matter. And again, this is subtle and it's not having to do with our situations of alienation, but it does also because it's all about your self care and the way that you're showing up for yourself and the way that you're talking to yourself about yourself and how you show that out to the world and the message that that sends.
To your children, if you are still in contact with them, and even if you're not, because if I look back on my situation with my child, and I know, I would place money on that all of us, who are alienated , we have, put ourselves and our needs and our, like, Uh, what we knew we wanted to do, or what we knew that was right for our Children.
We put that on the back burner in order to accommodate the Them, them meaning the alienating parent or the, relatives of and yada, yada, This is what we do we think, well, they must know, maybe not with the alienating parent, but with other people, they must know better because they seem so confident about what they're saying.
So maybe I should just listen to them. And so we kind of, then we put ourselves, we disregard what. We know to be right for our own selves. So we're not the authority in our own lives. And I don't know, of course, then our children's lives and it affects a lot of how, we behave in all of our outcomes, right.
I mean, it really affects all the areas of your life, like how much money you make and how, your relationships go, the roles that you play in like romantic relationships and friendships, and also the relationship with your kid. So it really does, even though I'm bringing up this story about the eye doctor, it really, really does affect, I can see that, model was working in my life for ever, really.
I can't remember a time that that wasn't working I know that it started in childhood. We don't just come out doing that. We learn it from somewhere. Right. And I've been thinking about this story a lot.
Back when we lived in Burma,
I was there from 4th through, like, the end of 6th grade part of 7th grade. I can't remember now, but, um, back when I was a kid, we used to go to this place called, um, Original name we were part of the American embassy and the place that we could go to go to the pool and, you know, recreational stuff, play softball and stuff was called the American club.
And so, I would have my driver on the weekends and maybe 1 day during the week, , take me, I would get in the car and we would Blair Van Halen. I remember so clearly, and we would drive down these beautiful roads and now it's called Yangon, Rangoon, Burma. And he would take me to this American club and I would hang out with whoever was there, my friends and my parents were usually busy doing whatever.
I don't really have the recollection of what was happening there, but I just know what I did. And so, um, I became friends, with this man who also worked in the embassy and who would come to the American club to eat his Dinners, lunches, whatever.
He was just this genuinely nice, man who, I grew really attached to throughout the week, I remember Looking forward to going and spending time with this man. He would listen to me. I felt like, and I couldn't, didn't have words for this back then.
I didn't know why I really liked him so much. And I actually remember my mom asking me about it. Like, is everything copacetic there? why are you wanting to hang out with them? And I didn't know why. mean, in most of us as humans, sometimes before we learn to think about why we are attracted to the people we are, we just know that it makes us feel a certain way, right?
Now looking back on it. I can pinpoint to a tee what it was he was undistracted and he didn't require me to be anybody other than who I was.
He allowed me to be the kid, that I was. I didn't need to show up or put any face on for him. I could just talk and I could just be. And it was,
Almost intoxicating. It just was something that I was, I was just so attracted to that energy, right? Like, I just wanted to keep seeing him and spending time with him, almost like like, uh, your favorite uncle or like your granddad, you know, except for he was probably my dad's age. But anyway, so after some time, like, I would always look forward to going and seeing him, um, there at the American Club. And we would sit in this booth right by the pool, and we would just, I don't know, we, there was nothing remarkable about our conversations.
I can't remember. Any of that really. I just know that how I, I loved to see him and I felt such a closeness to his energy and to who he was and how easygoing he was. And so, one day, he let me know that he was getting transferred back to the States. And I was devastated. I was in tears, like, sobbing. probably for many, It might have seemed disproportionate, you know, I was just, it really hit me hard. In fact, even talking about it right now makes me emotional because it really affected me.
And he had such an influence on me because he gave me such this, amazing gift. he said to me before he left, he said. Listen, it's okay. We can write, we can write letters. And so, um, that's what we did. Back then, letters took three or four weeks to get to either place, it was a snail mail. And he would write a letter. I would write a letter. and forth it went for, I don't know, some time. He started off writing by hand and it was just regular adult writing in my mind as a kid and then his handwriting started to get increasingly more childlike, sort of scribbly and I remember thinking that that's weird, right?
I was perplexed by that but then his scribbly writing turned into typewriter typed letters to me. And once that happened, he wrote maybe, I mean, what a devoted. Man, right? I mean, he had no reason to do this.
Actually, I'm just thinking about this now to, to devote such time and energy, to this little girl that, you know, he spent some time with around the pool, back in this country. He doesn't live in anymore. But, um, soon after he started typing the letters, the letters, Just stopped coming
he was sick and that's the reason why his letters became scribbly and I believe he had, uh, I think it was that he had MS. And so then finally, once the letter stopped, my dad let me know sometime afterwards that yeah, he had actually passed. He passed away. And it was really my first experience with loss as a child. it was so hard for me to comprehend because what that guy, what he gave me, and you know, to be honest, you guys, I said that guy right now, I don't even remember his name.
I don't remember his name. I'm sure if I were to call my mom or dad, um, one of them would maybe remember but to me, it doesn't matter almost what his name is because especially in the last couple years, I still feel his energy sometimes. He gave me such an amazing gift at such a young age.
He accepted me for who I was and he didn't need me to be anybody different than who I was. There was only one other person that had taught me that. And that was my favorite aunt Donna. And from the time that I was born, she did, was not married or did not have kids. I think she was 17 when I was born.
She devoted so much time and energy. In fact, my mom used to, when I was like three or four years old, would put a high ponytail on my head, pat me in the butt at the airport and send me flying to go see my aunt Donna down in Miami when we were living away.
Donna was really influential in my life from the time that I was itty bitty and I never really understood why I actually, I know my mom doesn't listen to these, but it would suck if she did, but I actually preferred my, my aunt Donna on many occasions, because, you know, This Donna gave me the same gift that this nameless man gave me.
She didn't need me to be anybody I wasn't.. She just loved me. I felt seen by this man and I felt seen by my aunt and I didn't have that with anybody else my mom, I did feel like I needed to fulfill roles for her. In fact, literally she would, enter me in talent competitions, and even though I couldn't sing, she would put me up to doing the stuff that I didn't want to do, and she would get me all excited about going and doing it, but y'all, I can't carry a tune, and she knew that, because she would make me practice with her, and then I'd go out on stage, and I would make a complete ass of myself.
It was awful. I mean, I know my mom didn't have any malicious intent, but I really always did feel like I needed to be playing a role for her. She would do that with, like, dressing me up as a leprechaun for St. Patty's Day, I was the only one in the class in, second grade that was looked like a fucking leprechaun with green tights and a red wig and all the stuff as I walked into this brand new school that I had , just started.
I mean, crazy shit that she always put me up to. And I know. I know she didn't mean any harm, but I also know that I never felt like, rarely felt like, I could be who I was, show up exactly as I was without expending the energy, in order to be right in her eyes. and then with my brother like the face that I had to put on About him to him for him Really?
It was just it was a lot of energy for a little kid to be expending right? And that's why these two angels living angels in my life Meant so much to me and still to this day means so much to me. My aunt donna's still alive very much alive. We could have a disagreement or something go on in her life or my life or just, you know, time goes by and we don't talk with each other as much as we once did. I feel seen by her. But at that very time too, whenever this man moved back to the States, that very same time, my aunt Donna had just recently gotten married, and I found out that she was pregnant with her first child.
So I was already feeling like a little bit lost right there was not really an anchor. Donna was always sort of that, you know, um, she just loved me for who I was. And I was her first priority and finding out that she was going to be having a kid. I knew that I wasn't going to be that anymore.
And I sort of, I remember writing a letter to her, drawing her a picture and um, Basically, the picture was revolting against her being pregnant. But that was just my kid like way to deal with it. Anyway, I was going through a tremendous amount of loss at that time. My whole point of all of this is not to put on my sad, horrible childhood because it wasn't.
I wasn't, um, my parents didn't abuse me per se. It's just that I didn't feel like I could be myself. And I know that I'm not alone on this one, and that's why I'm sharing it with you guys, you know, I've never had words for it until very recently, I never had words for it and more words are still coming, you know, but I know for a fact going back to the beginning of this episode, that experience with my parents.
informed I got the feeling and the confirmation from them that I wasn't enough how I was that I needed to always put on a mask or a role in order to be accepted and even to my own family, right?
So, of course, years later, I find myself sitting at the eyeglass place and I am accommodating. The doctor who is at that point serving me, right? It makes sense why I would do that. If mom expected me to , put all these hats on and dad was just fleeting then of course with my brother, I had to accommodate his, uh, missteps. You know, back from when I was younger I kept that secret for him. And I guess for me, I didn't know what to do with that. And so I, yeah, of course, then I got that message early on and it doesn't even occur to me today. It's such an old, , belief system that is in me that I sometimes don't even notice, you know, now I've done so much work on, the patterns as far as like how I think you'd feel about the false accusations and all of the, the way that my exes treated me and what have you.
But when it comes to the oldest, oldest beliefs and where it all stems from, I'm still working on that and I have a feeling that, you know, you too, like that this is something that will be a work in progress for years to come. It's not something that just, boom happens overnight. , but because you already have the skill of knowing how to become aware and then hold space for yourself. Like my aunt Donna and , this man who I can't remember his name did for me.
They showed me, both of them
And continue to show me right through past experiences. that I am perfect the way that I am. I don't need to be anybody to be loved. I can be just as I am and be . Overflowing with more than enough. For the people in my life that I choose, that have the ability to love me, I know we've talked about this before, probably in one of the worthiness episodes, but like you are a hundred percent lovable just as you are. There was nothing that you have done or can do to make you more lovable. I think I've used the example, if you like a movie, and I don't like the movie, it says nothing about the movie itself.
Right? The movie is the movie. It's a separate thing. You liking the movie and me not liking the movie says everything about the thoughts we think about that movie. That's why there's so many movie critics out there. If not, we would just have one, right? it's all in the eye of the beholder.
a tree. That tree is 100 percent lovable, just as it is the one outside my window. Some people like it, some people don't. It says everything about the person who's liking, or loving, right? The tree is beautiful, there's so much beauty to behold in it.
Just like with a piece of art. Okay, alright. So, there's nothing that you can do any different to be any more lovable. And this comes into play when we talk about our own children, right? Yeah, they are, they are and they have been being abused.
And so their, judgment has been skewed. It's been. Oh, gosh, I'm going to say this, but I hope it's not activating tampered with, because they just like me as a child, and you as a child your influences, your brain is so plastic at that age and your parents are there to guide you and, teach you and love you the most possible so that they can, you know, push you out into the world, and you already have this sense of, self worth, right?
But, many times, we're victims of victims of victims, and we don't get taught that stuff. That's okay, because you can re parent yourself today. You can teach yourself how to continue to love yourself in all the ways. Which, I mean, is kind of the best way, if you ask me. Would I have loved to have parents that, like, were full of self worth themselves and then just put that off to me so I didn't have any problems
sure, that sounds good. But I just had all the love and support. from the get go, and my life and my childhood was perfect, and everything was great, , I went to an Ivy League school, and I've got this great job, and blah, blah, blah. But also, as soon as I said that, I was like, I have a great job.
I love my job. In fact, I feel so blessed to be where I am today. Is it hard? Fuck yes, it's hard. Yes, it's hard, just like they probably have hard things going on the person that had the parents that whatever, which by the way, I still I have to question like, does anybody ever have those kind of parents all the way through and through?
And I just, I, I don't know. If that was the case, then why be on this earth? Because I think all of our I don't know. Missions here if you've heard me, this is your first, episode you're listening to. I've recently talked about that, that I think that our souls choose this route, you know, because we're learning how to, we choose the challenges way ahead of time so that we can grow to the fullest versions of ourself, like in all the dimensions,
So I just think that like, we always think it's going to be better. Some other way and that we needed to be more supported, less supported. Like, it's okay that I had that childhood. I mean, honestly, I was really lucky. like blessed.
I did some really amazing and had some really amazing experiences. I wouldn't have changed living overseas in Southeast Asia was like my favorite. Like I wouldn't change that for a million. I can't even tell you, like, I love that. And the experiences that I had, and I also had some really shitty ones. You know, really shitty ones.
And I'm, I'm okay with calling those shitty because what came out of the shitty, what I made out of that shitty is amazing, you know, so, and I, I don't know that I would have any of that stuff the other way either, but I'm still working on the brother thing, but anyway, you know what I'm saying? So
holding space for yourself now, getting to the, after all of that, let me get to the, real meat of what I'm, what I'm trying to say if you got the message somewhere in your past that you needed to be somebody different than who you were in order to be feel accepted, then it's highly likely that today you are still giving that same messaging to yourself. And it also is highly likely that that messaging lies way underneath the radar, the eye doctor for me the other day, didn't fly way underneath the radar, there are even more subtle ways that it can show up. Like, one thing I used to say to myself all the time, and now I've made a point to stop myself but I'll say, I'm better than I was, or it's better than was before, meaning like, if I'm cleaning an area , this is just a simple whatever, and I'm not able to fully get it clean because I'm in a rush or whatever.
I say, . It's better than when I started. I really dislike saying that because it's suggesting that it wasn't good to begin with.
And that something has to be improved. And I know when we're talking about. The cleanliness of an area, it seems like not a big deal, but when we're talking about the jobs that we're doing in our world about the way that we're approaching life, and we're telling ourselves that we need to get better at something, get better at making money, get better at communicating, get better at.
Acceptance, right? Accepting what's going on, then you're sending yourself that message that you're not already enough. It's so subtle, but you're already telling yourself that there's something to be fixed. And I know I've touched on this on some other episodes, the way that I'm, wanting to, address it with you now is that it's like this radical self acceptance of like, listen, there may be areas where you want to evolve.
There may be goals and this is something that I'm still working on too, guys, this language. I mean, clearly, cause I'm sharing with you but , you want to get into the future version of yourself.
What I want to offer you just sort of the same even as what I was talking about with Luke's, review is that how you are, how you were, all of it was a hundred percent lovable and good and right.
Every version of you up until now, the now version of you too, is perfectly made. , and you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You needed all those things in order to get where you were. I mean, you, you, make what you mean out of that. I don't mean to make that your truth if it's not, but that's how I kind of think about it.
It's like, I needed all those things to happen. And. I don't want to change them, or I don't want to just skirt around and change my thoughts, like make something that's really shitty, a happy experience,
But I can redefine this whole situation so that I'm not making just a bad situation.
Good. In my mind like tricking myself right but instead who's to say it's a bad situation hard to tell whether it's a good or bad situation I know right now I'm feeling bitter sad blah blah blah recognize those emotions in you without wanting to change them and that's really what that that gift that I was given. Thank you By these two angels in my life is that I never needed to be anybody that I wasn't I never needed to put on any hat or do any sort of dance or any sort of recital or Uh sing off key or on key For these people ever.
I just needed to be me and I was loved fully for that. And it's such a, it gave me this idea of, uh, you know, guys, no, I don't love the word hope, but sort of a, a hope or a vision that. That is there it also introduced me to the idea of being okay for my own self.
No matter what that I didn't need to put on anything to love me. And so now today I can remember that in the moments when I am feeling bitter or annoyed or sad or whatever and allow me to myself to be those things right to have that those emotions. without wanting to change the emotion or get out of it by buffering in some way by like trying to numb myself out of it or distract myself away from it.
I can just say, okay, this is the situation. I do feel bitter or hurt or whatever. And that's okay. I don't need to change myself or anything about me. In order to be okay in the long run, Like, this feeling isn't going to last forever, but acknowledging that and not wanting to rush out of it, because that's what we've always, that's what I did from an early age, because I thought that it wasn't right to be, The negative, any of the negative emotions, right?
That wasn't convenient for dad or for mom and, or, you know, whatever was going on for me, the times that those negative emotions were okay, it was with Donna and this man, you know, for me. And so offering that to myself has been such a loving act, right? The, the mistakes that I make or like the acting, um, On this eye doctor's behalf right and screwing up my own vision Life for the last two months It's okay That i'm like that like I don't need to look at that and make it mean something about my progress Like how much I haven't grown.
Oh my gosh. I'm still doing that Obviously, I haven't grown as much as I thought I have, or I'm not ready to go to the next step because look what I was just doing. Clearly, I don't love myself. Do you see how, like, we may put all these labels and we make all the findings of our selves, like, we make that mean something for our future and for who we are and what we've already accomplished up until now.
like massive accomplishments, we will throw right out the window in order to focus on the one area that, oh, my gosh, look, see, I really haven't groomed, you know, it is we end up sort of betraying ourselves. without even realizing it.
you know, when you leave somebody and you just feel better about yourself, I was kind of referring to that earlier, like I did with these 2 people in my life, I was left them wanting more and I always felt so at ease and felt loved and, valid and all the things, If you can be that for yourself on the daily basis, because usually the climate up in this brain of all of ours is not that. Is not the accepting it is the judging it is making wanting to make all the things that happen and that we do and the mistakes that we did in the past and the thoughts that we have today about whoever our children are, uh, the situation that we're facing.
Right? We'll look at that and say, or like our money situation, our money, or somebody said to me the other day. One of my clients said, I'm not where I want to be career wise or personally. They're right there was showing me showing him also An opportunity for him to really practice self love
like, where did you expect yourself to be? And what are you basing that information on? What is wrong with who you are right now? And what is it about right now? That's you're going to use to, to get you to the next version eventually. But really what I, yes, I want you to get to that evolve to the other, the next version.
But today, I really want to help you to focus on or see that whoever you are today and whoever you have been is okay. Like you don't need to rush out of where you are in order to get somewhere better. And then just so that you can say, okay, I'm somewhere better now. You could actually decide that about your current life.
Now, that, I am in an amazing place and all the places were fine, but look where I am today look how far I've come. Look how much I've evolved, right? Not like it's such a subtle difference. And I know I was just talking about like how I said, you know, I, it's better than it was. Right.
And I don't like saying it. It's because it's saying that what, what it was, wasn't enough. And where, when you're looking back and you're saying, look how far I've come, you're really talking about all of your accomplishments, not how bad it was to begin with. Do you see the difference? Like when we we want to sometimes give ourselves credit like when we're feeling icky about our situations, we want to get out of feeling icky. So we're like, okay, let's hurry up and find all the good things that we've done so that at least we can give ourselves a pat on the back and get like a little check,
we want to get the quick wins, we want to look at,
Well, at least I'm not there anymore. At least I. In a better house, or I have a better car. So that tells me I'm on the right track. Right? And again, I want, I think it's very important. It's very helpful for you to keep evolving to look at where you've come and where you want to go.
And are you on your track? Like, are you completing the things that you said you wanted to complete on the deadlines?
But when you're looking at it from a deficit, like, well, at least I've done this, at least now I'm better, I'm a better person than where I started, or I'm a better whatever than when I started, it's suggesting that you were worse before, but maybe that was just all of you, all of the wholeness of you throughout this whole time period.
Right. Like, none of them are better or worse more worthy or less, it's all just your evolution of the most perfect being because we are all that, you know, and so that's what I want to offer you today. It's just being able to hold space for yourself. And what that means is to whatever situation that you're in.
Like, I was taught this in my second coaching school, the life changing school, is in order to hold space for somebody else, I needed to make sure that I coached myself before the session about my own thoughts and my own life, so that when I'm coming to the coaching session, this is going to make sense for you guys in a minute, I am free and clear of judgments on my own self and judgments on them, or whatever they do bring to the table, and sometimes that means that I need to.
I'm not as often anymore, but, like, I coach myself while I'm coaching them in the session to make sure that I'm keeping my opinions separate from the work that we're doing because my job in holding space for whoever my client is at the time is to show them their thoughts from a clear non biased place, not to change them, not to add my opinions in about what I think that they should do.
And this is how you solve this. And this is what you do with you. This is how you, , none of that. It's so that from a non biased, I can show them all of their thoughts and help them to decide what they want to do with it. None of their thoughts, none of their feelings, none of their results are wrong or bad, right?
Like, and I know you've heard me say this many times over nothing that you think or do or have done is bad or wrong or, anything. It just is. And that's really what holding spaces for another person, right? Is being able to help them to pull through the yarn and see what's going on.
Be that unbiased, mediator for. The birds nest of thoughts that we all have inside our brains. Right. what I'm asking you to do is the same thing for yourself. So all the things that you think all the results that you've created in the past, all of the results that you will create in the future.
Everything that's happened, your feelings, all of the emotions that you felt. None of it is bad, and none of it needs to be changed now. None of it. Even, especially the circumstances of your life. Holding space is really just allowing for all of it. And really loving yourself through all of it. learning about who you are and where you want to go. And that's always evolving. As you know, coming at it from a sense of fascination, not needing to change, like the people that I felt the most love from those two people in my early life.
I never needed to change a thing.
I was fine, beautiful, more than enough, just as I was. There was no emotion or thing
or whatever
that I did that was inconvenient or wrong in their eyes.
That is true, pure love, right? There's
nothing that needs to be condemned
or
condoned for that matter or punished
or anything.
It's just, I am. It is.
And,
and it's enough.
And so if you can show yourself,
like to me,
that's my goal is
to be able
to continually show myself that same love. accepting all of it, even the messiness of the situation of alienation. I'm not saying, well, I mean, yeah, it would be good for you to get to the place where you can not need to change anything that's going on for you right now, even though you have goals to,
uh,
advocate for your kid.
Like
wanting to get out of where you are right now is only going to cause you to act in fear or striving. And so instead accepting it all for what it is so that you can think clearly and then develop a plan.
But the same thing with you personally, like the steps that you're going to take and how you're going to get there,
loving yourself through it, as opposed to coming at it, like by badgering or bullying, or you need to change, or you need to be like this,
you need to show up this way, or you need to, you know, You know, put on a leprechaun outfit Or whatever it is for you, you know, like
you need
to
to be this other person in order to be okay for you is not Going to be okay for you
long
long term
You know what i'm saying? So like who are those people? If you had them in your life, one of the times in your life that you can think that you really felt like it was okay to be everything that you were all of you, and that you, you still wanted to be now, because as soon as I said that, I thought I had also like relationships where I felt like it was totally fine to be me, but almost to the other side of things where, um, that was almost a bad influence on me because those people didn't expect anything big from me.
They actually wanted me to stay the same and not excel at things. Cause I'm assuming it's cause that would, , cause them to feel uncomfortable and they want it to remain the same and stay in their survival system. Right? So not that I mean, those people that were truly accepting and loving you and encouraging and everything that I wanted to be and everything that I was, already.
So how can you embody that? For yourself, how can you be your own living angel, like a radical acceptance for who you are, who you've been, what you've done, the results you've created for yourself and the results that are currently in your life. And that was a hard one for me back.
I mean, sometimes it can still be hard one for me, but like, especially when I was. scrounging, like penny counting, literally counting pennies to put gas in my tank or to feed my belly living in a place I didn't want to live with a man that was abusive and all the things like it was very difficult for me in those times to Love what was, it seemed so Out of my reach out of this world, but it is possible to feel terrible, feel like you want things to change, feel uncomfortable, feel disgusted and just recognizing it and allowing that to be there just for the moments. Like I am, disappointed with what's going on in my life right now.
And I don't. Like the relationship I'm in, . I do want to do something about it, but it's okay that I'm here too. Like right now, yes. I'm going to take the actions to change it, but it's okay. I've done nothing wrong. This was clearly something that I needed. There was many things maybe that I needed to experience as a result of having this relationship, and I have, and I'm growing and it's going to be hard and there's going to be a hump that's even harder, but I'm here for it.
I'm here for all of it instead of wanting to run away from your current reality, being in that radical acceptance and really brutal honesty with yourself, but brutal, loving honesty, radical, brutal, loving honesty, you know, and knowing that you're going to be okay, no matter what.
but that loving yourself through it and being making a pact with yourself to, to, to keep your eyes open like for not only the opportunity, but keep your eyes open for the duration, It's such a loving thing to do for yourself. the internal environment that you're creating for yourself, just maybe just do an assessment is, how do I feel on the inside day to day?
And, you know, sometimes I do this, Like throughout my day, like how am I feeling? I do this a lot actually. How am I feeling right now? The other day, it was really ornery and it happened quick too. I mean, I was like, I went from zero to 60, like, In a snap, I was able to identify the thought.
I had to go back. At first I was like, I don't know. I just am. I'm just pissed at everything. Right? We're quick to just want to dismiss and move forward and blame it on all the circumstances of our life. That's because those people aren't calling back or that didn't blah, blah, blah. It's because my bank account, Quick to say that it's because of those things outside, but I promise you it never is. It never is it's usually because it always is because of a thought A story that you have about whatever's going on there. And once you're able to be patient with yourself and, uh, kind enough to yourself to see that story, allow that story just to be, and you're not bad or wrong for that, having that story.
Just see what it's creating for you. We're so quick to rush out of that, the uncomfortability because there is better, but it's not, I promise you. You may have opportunities there or whatever, and I want you to, of course, keep growing and evolving yourself. But where you are is enough. You are enough.
Exactly where you are. This version of you is in the past version of you has set you up to get to the next version of you. So keep setting your future you up. I guess what I'm saying is, is like, yes, we're always going to want to, if I mean, I always want to evolve, but it's an, and it's not like I need to be better. Right. I need to get there because that is, that'll say more about what I've done and who I am as a person and what I've, uh, overcome, right? Like I need to get there.
So that that's the statement. It's, it's an, and it's like, I want to get there because that's what I've decided. And that's, what's going to make me feel proud for accomplishing it, right?
But also, here is not bad. I am not less than, nor is the past version of me, or the one before that, or the one that was the naive mother of a two year old who made some mistakes. She was a beautiful, whole, perfect person being, just as she was, and mother, just as she was back then.
And whatever mistakes or moves that she made back then, she, I, she did those things, thinking it was the best , most protective thing, given the information that she had at the time. Right? But there's no better or worse.
I'm not better now than I was. My life isn't
superior now to what it was before. It's different because I've taken the steps I've taken, right? But so who I, who you are now is perfect
and I'm also looking to continue to evolve, right? It's an, and it's not a, but it's not a, or, you know, so anyway, All right. That's all I got for you guys. I hope you have a lovely, lovely week and I will talk to you next time. Folks. Bye.