Welcome to the Beyond the High Road of Parental Alienation blog—a companion to my 99th podcast episode. If you’re an alienated parent who's grappling with the heart-wrenching belief that "My child hates me," you’re not alone. Today, we’re diving into the emotional turbulence caused by cognitive distortions, and how addressing these fears can help heal not just your relationship with your child, but transform your perception of yourself and your life's purpose.

The Burden of Cognitive Distortions

Last week, we explored how cognitive distortions—our irrational, flawed thought patterns—can intensify the emotional distance between us and our children. This week, we segment our discussion into manageable parts, focusing first on the pervasive fear that permeates the lives of many alienated parents: "My child hates me."

As parents, it’s natural to face fears about your child's feelings towards you, especially when you encounter rejection or indifference. But it's important to recognize that these feelings are often projections of our own anxieties, fueled by distorted thinking that clouds our judgment and understanding.

Identifying the Root Fear

Three major fears often dominate the landscape of alienation. When your child is young, there's the fear of them facing unmanageable situations without adequate guidance. As they grow older, this fear morphs into a more personal dread: they may begin to accept negative narratives about you, leading to allegations of hatred. Eventually, fear creeps in that they might become versions of the alienating parent.

The focus here is on the feeling of being hated or rejected. It's crucial to understand that these beliefs are not grounded in reality. They are often a manifestation of your child’s internal conflict and external influences, rather than a true expression of their feelings towards you.

Navigating Fear and Rejection

Experiencing rejection from your child can be devastating. It might seem like every cancelled plan or unattended event is confirmation of their disdain. However, it’s essential to dissect these moments, recognizing them as cognitive distortions and grappling not with their supposed reality, but with how they affect your perceptions.

When rejection feelings take hold, they evoke defensive mechanisms, closing you off emotionally. This not only impacts how you interact with your child but also entrenches these false narratives in your psyche. To move forward, we must shift these perspectives—choosing to see beyond the immediate pain of rejection.

Shifting the Narrative

Our instinct might be to perpetuate these detrimental beliefs, repeating ad nauseam that "they hate me," in a twisted form of self-protection. However, this reaction only invites further emotional distress. Instead, we should reframe these beliefs; not as absolute truths but as transient feelings influenced by external factors.

Your child’s rejection isn't about you—it stems from misinformation, conflicting loyalties, and a natural, albeit painful, loyalty conflict. By acknowledging it’s not a personal vendetta but rather a reflection of their internal struggle, you free yourself from the chains of perceived rejection.

Taking Action with Compassion

What if, instead of assuming the worst, we assume the complexity of the situation? Understand that alienation is a deeply ingrained issue, with your child caught between conflicting stories and love. Approach the situation with empathy, offering unwavering support and understanding.

Implement boundaries and practice patience, allowing your child the space to navigate their beliefs. Your focus should remain on upholding the truth of your worth and the love you have for your child, presenting a consistent narrative of stability amidst the chaos of alienation.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the journey through alienation can be isolating, but by challenging cognitive distortions and shifting the narrative, you arm yourself with the resilience needed to face this turbulent period. Remember, every small step towards understanding and compassion brings you closer to bridging the emotional distance, helping both you and your child build the foundation for healing.

Join us next week for our 100th podcast episode—a special “Best Of” collection celebrating the journey we've shared together. Your input matters deeply, whether through one-on-one coaching or participating in our courses. As always, I’m here to support you on this path to healing and to remind you: your journey is one of incredible importance and profound potential.

Episode Transcript

 You are listening to the beyond the high road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 99. Stay tuned.

Hey guys quick, I know I made a long announcement last week about the upcoming course and the release of that I am aiming towards Very early october if not the first very close after that to release that. so continue to Submit your answers to the poll I'll pop it again And today's episode.

So you could just, , if you're on Spotify, just go to the episode itself. And then you could, put your vote in there. And also I'll put the link for, I made a very simple webpage for the same thing. Just, just you putting your, yes, I'm interested in the self study or for the group coaching, um, in order to start feeling better about your life, your situation.

And maybe make something of it. , the way I've designed the course, it can go for both formats. I, it's only going to be released in one format. , . So if you're thinking that your input doesn't matter, if you are interested in it, And feeling better, and maybe even Turning your pain into purpose, then your input absolutely matters So, please don't forget to put that in there. I want to hear from you on that and also if you've been interested in One on one coaching now is a better time than ever because from here on out anyone that's bought in the last month and moving forward you will get have access to all the events Included in that course When you sign up for one on one.

So basically what that is, it's ridiculous. You guys, you guys, you know, I am not a salesy person at all. It's just not my thing. I really actually need to get better at it because I am running a business, but, I want to first and foremost,  I want to make sure that everybody, all the parents who are hurting have resources, .

 Have access to the tools To help you through healing,  right?

But for those of you that it's doable for I could not feel and back myself more when I tell you and I have all the previous clients to also back that I keep telling myself i'm going to make a web page with all the testimonials and I will do that that needs to be done, but I cannot What?

stress, how life changing this work was for my own self, my own life. And then of course, I feel like it could be even more impactful for y'all because when I was doing it, I was picking from, I didn't know what I was doing right. And now, especially with this course and also with the one on one, , y'all are getting, It all spelled out for you.

So your attention can completely be focused on yourself, right? And moving through this, giving you the tools to feel better currently and plan your future and whether that is to go back and get your kiddo or create a beautiful life for yourself moving forward

, I couldn't back, these programs enough. Otherwise I wouldn't be talking your ear off about them. , but anyway, if you buying one on one right now, you get three programs, basically.

In one package, honestly the quality and Results that you will see doing this work. If you do day to day work, which is like 10 minutes a day, within six months. You will look at your world in an entirely different way in a way that you thought you never could before. . And it's not just while you're with me within the six months on the one on ones. You are given all the tools and then the time to reinforce these beliefs, the new beliefs that you pick so that when we part ways.

 

You have everything that you need to move forward with your new way of thinking. I do have clients that will sign back on with me and I do a special, really special deal for them. . But you are given all the tools within that timeframe.

You believe fully confident that you've got this, your mindset, your beliefs worked out from the time that you leave moving forward, So anyway, you can go back to last week's episode to learn more about, , the course. Also, I made a similar announcement to this in the private Facebook group  that by the way is also free.  So if you haven't joined yet, don't feel like there's nothing sold to you.

It's not, there's no nothing. It's free. You can just go join. Just make sure that before you do, um, respond to the questions that I asked those. Questions. Are how I make sure that all y'all that are coming into the group are actually parents who have been alienated from their children And are looking to heal and are not going to disrupt the group or try to sell y'all things You know what i'm saying?

So just make sure you you respond to those questions Okay So bottom line is now is a better time than ever To sign up for one on one because you get three programs For the price of one. All right. Moving along.

 Hey y'all, so last week we were talking about, how we can sometimes cause ourselves to feel more distant from our children based on the cognitive, distortions that we adopt. As a result of living into the fears naturally occurring fears that come up for us.

You know, Surrounding all of this and what's going on with our children, and how we can unknowingly, unintentionally push them away, whether that's in our, your mind, right? Or, and also, of course, if you're still in contact with them, in how you show up, because how you're thinking is going to affect how you feel, and then, of course, how you show up when that's going on in the back of your mind.

Um, But this week we're going to talk about, and I know I mentioned to you that I had two topics and this week, I was going to approach it at first tackling three of the main fears that we go to, many of us go to anyway. And I realized that this was so broad

and I thought I'd better break this up into three sessions. And so, um, let me just tell you right now, the fears that I came up with, I separated because, when your children are young and alienation begins, like, infant age to toddler age, the main fear that I've noticed and I experienced myself, , is my kids, is going to be given situations that they are not equipped to handle, right? That was, I know for sure, that was the fear that ate me up, um, because I sat up at night, like I may as well have been, like, Ringing my hands and rocking in my chair my heart ached and like stomach wrenching at all times because I was imagining how my child might be feeling in each and every moment, you know, um, and how unfamiliar and scary it might feel for a toddler to not comprehend the, um,

very polarizing views that she was getting of her mom and then what they were, telling her the life was supposed to be like, you know, the basic gist of alienation. So I think that that is like the overwhelming fear when they are young, right? And then once they become, , eight, nine, 10 and on years.

the fear of being given situations that they can't handle. It's there, but it's sort of morphs into  My child is going to start believing the things that they're saying  

They're going to not want to spend the time with me.  They're going to want to spend more time over there. They're going to  ultimately, they're going to reject me,  and then  they hate me. 

They're trying to hurt me.  And then the last one or another one, is,  They're going to turn into the alienator.  And that is after a child starts demonstrating, , I mean, usually it's after child starts demonstrating, rebellious behavior, right?

And the teen years or preteen years and what have you. Your child starts reminding you and behaving toward you the way that your ex did when you were with them. Right? And so, you know it's not the child that you raised, and where is this coming from, and the next thing you know, you are so wordsick that they're going to become a carbon copy of , the person who's alienating their child from you.

Right? Okay. So, because that was so much content, I decided to break it down into sections. So today, Even though I've recorded all of it, the part that I've edited is the second fear, which is my child hates me. ? just know that for those of you that have toddlers or younger children or do actually feel the fear more of like my child is going to be given situations that they're not equipped to handle, that one's coming.

Okay. And also the other fears that I just spoke about. Those are on their way too. So, enjoy. ,

,  ultimate fear is they're going to reject me. or one that shows up a lot when I'm speaking with other parents like us is they don't want to see me. They don't want to spend time with me. They don't want to be here.

Maybe they're your children are home with you on certain weekends you share custody you have parenting time. Although you don't feel like you actually use that time the way that you would like to use it because they are in your mind closed off. And very well could be, I'm not saying that they're, they're not, but.

one scenario, common scenario, is your children are in their teen years, and they're not showing interest in spending time with you, maybe they come home from school and they go straight up to the room and maybe they don't come out. for the weekend or if they do, it's to say a few choice words to you. They go back up into the room  and your mind,  there's no appreciation.

They hate me. They don't want to spend time with me. They just prefer to be over at the alienating parents house.  And so sometimes it gets to, just depending on where you're at with it. A lot of parents I speak with are like, well,  why do I even bother? What am I doing here?

Right. Why am I even trying?   , but , I mean, that could be coming from you being tired as a result of living into the fear that they don't want to spend time with you. , I'm not disagreeing with you or arguing with you that they may not be wanting to spend time with you.

Chances are that it is because of what the other parent is saying. And they are going through a loyalty conflict So let's just say that all of that is true just for the sake of this here today, yeah, That is exactly the truth They are showing that they don't want to be with you and it is all due to what they're being told Okay. And, but, you believing the thought that they don't want to spend time with me , doesn't feel good. When you think they don't want to see me, they hate me, they don't want to spend time with me, how do you show up in your own home when they're there?

And even when they're not really. Before they even come back home, from school or whatever, maybe the 20 fires before, if you're thinking that they don't want to spend time with you, it's going to you're going to feel tense. You're going to feel maybe even not worthy. You're going to feel like. The spare human, right? 1 of my, Clients. one of the dads texted me last week   I feel like a foster parent,

 When I think of, I've never been a foster parent, and that's what I was trying to explain to my client, I asked him, have you ever been a foster parent?

Now, we don't know exactly how a foster parent feels, but I think that there's not one way for a foster parent to feel right. Like where one foster parent might feel entirely so lucky and thrilled and, uh, blessed to be a part of these children's lives, And be okay with the switch out and maybe behavioral problems that some of these children might have when they show up due to not them not feeling loved and feeling rejected.

Right? Another parent might feel what he was alluding to was like used and abused and like the spare human. Not really needed or welcome or like, it's like just an essential. All right. Adult that needs to be there in order for them to, you know, get through school and get through life. This is just a formality, right?

But when you think of yourself like that, as the spare person that the rejected parents, the person that your kid hates. If they're there with you, you might feel like a guest in your own home unwelcome, like you're walking on eggshells, like anything that you do or say could set them off and could start World War 3, Again, I'm not saying that they wouldn't, they don't react, inappropriately or that they are not oversensitive.

That's one thing. But when you are conducting yourself from a place of fear and feeling unworthy because you're believing the story that they don't want to spend time with me, that's the thought that you choose out of all of the thoughts available to you. Your experience each time that they do come home is going to be miserable.

You feel me? Like so many parents I speak with, tell me it's a fact that their kids do not want to see them. Their kids hate them. they're trying to hurt them

that their relationship is doomed and that they're going to keep rejecting them and not be. , um, alienation is just gonna continue, and get worse and worse and worse until, they're, they never speak to each other again. That's like, they believe it, it's a fact. There's no other way to think of it, because they have all of these instances that show that this is the track that it's going on.

And I get it. I get it. I mean, I feel you on this, But. When you choose to spend time on and believe that they hate you, that everything you do irks them, gets under their skin, rubs them the wrong way, and no matter what you do, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

 Of course, you're going to, dread the 24 hours before come home and then when they're home the entire time,  so you walk on eggshells, you talk a little quieter, you make all their favorite dishes and hopes that this time will be the time that they, Oh, this is amazing. Thank you. Or you're just praying for a little twinkle in their eye.

 

You bend over backwards. In hopes for breadcrumbs for one tiny little glimpse and I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that with doing the things that might work, but when we're focused only on this belief that they don't want to spend time with me that I need to.

Find the secret, like the, the key that's going to unlock the alienation, or the thing that's going to make it all work. And bond you guys together, and erase all the other things, or put you on the right track to the healing. Then,  I think you're just, you're looking in the wrong place.  It's natural, our kids aren't loving us in the way that we think it should be. And so you're like, no, let's fix this. Let's figure out how to make them react the way that I think that they should, but that's going to be

a chase. To always be trying to elicit a response from them. Instead, determine whether you're on the right track by how you are feeling and what you are choosing to think about the situation at hand. Sometimes we assume that they don't wanna hang out with us, , or we assume the worst case scenario, before we have all the information. Sometimes We don't take into consideration all of the context. If you, let's say you've made plans with your kiddo to go to lunch at some point. Maybe you haven't seen them in a while, and then last minute they called up and said, Hey, no, sorry, I got something.

And they cancel on you, And your mind immediately, because of your history, you go back and you pull out The belief that, Oh, of course they're going to cancel because they don't want to spend time with me because they hate me. They don't ever want to spend time with me. And they're just going to continue to be more and more alienated, right?

All of those are separate beliefs, but that is a protective habit belief that you have developed over time. And now, anytime that you see the threat of being rejected by your kid, you're Your brain goes into, I was explaining this to a client this morning. It's like it goes back into, digs back into the cedar chest in the belief basement of your brain, And it pulls out The one unhelpful thought they hate me and they don't want to spend time with me and that is how you frame that whole exchange why they canceled but many times we don't even entertain the idea that maybe just maybe there was some truth to it. Maybe they did have a practice that they needed to go to. Maybe they do have homework that they haven't done. Maybe more likely is maybe they have a sort of social anxiety when it comes to coming to see you.

Have you ever like, um, been really close with somebody and then y'all just like lost contact and then the longer it becomes like longer, it is since you've spoken with that person. The more you kind of put it off and you get this like social anxiety around calling them because you in your mind, you're like, I think it's going to take too long.

We're going to have to go over all of the things that have happened in between then and now. And maybe that some of the things that have happened in your life, you haven't been very proud of. So you just don't feel like rehashing them again or having to explain them, especially if you really care about that person's opinion, right?

And so you're like, I don't really want to face the shit that I've just been through, so I'd just rather just ignore that it's happened. And the only way I can really do that, because I can't look them in the face and lie to them, is by like just not seeing them and not addressing them. Do you know what I'm saying?

That, I think, nine times out of ten, is why not only kids, but us as humans, adults, all of us, cancel plans. It's basically, it's social anxiety. It's the fear of facing ourselves. You know, it's like, I don't want to have to deal with that because if I deal with that, then I have to look at myself and what does that mean?

That means I have to change. I either have to change or I have to ignore it and deny it. And brain habit brain is always going to say we vote for ignore, deny. Let's do that. Right? We want to go find pleasure, avoid the pain, not do anything new. Right? That is just the way our survival system habit brain works.

Thanks. So just remember that I think whenever you are facing, moment of rejection kiddo, especially if we're talking about kids in the teen years, you know, your kids. Nine times. Yes, they're going through a loyalty conflict. If we're dealing with alienation, you know that they're going through a lot of cognitive dissonance inside them, right? They've got these two beliefs that are so right?

And it's so difficult for them to address that within themselves. Much easier to just avoid one or push it away. Okay. . And of course, they're going to choose the parent that is less threatening. .  Which is you.  what that brings up for me right now as I say it part of my brain was like, man, I wish I would have been less,

accommodating back in the day. Less, um, no, I always want to be, um, Accepting and whatever for my daughter, but I wish I would have,

exhibited or laid down practice, better boundaries earlier on. And I think that that would have helped a lot to model to her from an early age, also maybe would have helped me to stand my ground in those, in those areas. defining moments in the early days, um, in front of the alienating parent and stepmother, you know?

But anyway, that's neither here nor there because we cannot go back and clearly that's how it was supposed to be, right? but yeah, I think that so often we'll get in situations where we're getting ready. We think that it's, we're going to be rejected, right? And let's just really go into that.

When we fear that we're going to be rejected by our kids, they're just going to tell us or they're going to not show up or they're going to tell us that they don't want to see us right now.

But when they say that to you. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you. What they're saying is, is they don't want to see you right now because they've been told something by somebody else. So really they don't want to see you

because of

what they've been told by somebody else in

their mind.

they feel conflicted by that.

But it's the influence of the other person that's causing them to feel uncomfortable about going to you. It actually  doesn't say anything about who you are because it's not based in reality.  Do you hear what I'm saying? Like it doesn't, it's only the story that they have going on in their head.

So really you are actually never being rejected. They are rejecting the idea of you.

But you you can't actually be rejected. I hope i'm making sense there like

yes, you miss out on the experiences and the memory making Opportunities times that you guys could share right and that is saddening. It is awful,

Sometimes it can even be angering right and but

 your fear about missing out on those experiences is a separate thing. I mean, they kind of seem like they're related, but you, it's what you're making it mean. Like, So you have the core pain, your grief, Of missing out on these experiences, with your child or children,  That is more of a slow, deeper pain.  And then on top of that, you have your ego that is saying things like my child hates me. They're going to reject me. Um, you know, the fear based. Faster, more urgent feeling, feelings, And those are the ones that muddy up the waters for you. So that it's very difficult later on to separate and determine what's what.

So that you can actually get to processing the real feelings of grief. Right, like where it's really at. so that's what I'm here in this talk. That's what I'm trying to separate out for you.

 Like for me My daughter rejecting me or not showing up or not wanting to see me. I mean, I never really believe that. I never really have attached myself onto she herself actually doesn't want to be with me. I know that when that has ever been said, um, that she is choosing them. Over me due to her belief that what they are saying is either true or right is or what she has to believe.

I know that she's not choosing them because I am terrible and I am worthy of being rejected. Do you know what I'm saying? So I think that there's a difference there. I'm always worthy, fully worthy. And I'm, I, I, I know that. And she may not be choosing me, but it's not because of me.

Does that make sense?  Even with all the mistakes that I've made in my past and the imperfection that is me,  And so. We can't actually really be rejected. Um, it's, it's just how we interpret it. So like, if your kids are cancelling plans, or maybe not making the plans, maybe they've blocked you, whatever it is, the story that you have about that, it happening, not happening, whatever, is the story that you can clean up. It's not that they've done that. Don't mean to minimize it, but you can, if it's not working for you, you can decide to think something different about it.

You don't have to choose to think it's because they hate you. Why? Even if, like, they said that to you, that they hate you.

I hate you. I'm, I can't even tell you how many times I probably uttered those words to my mother, especially growing up, um, and the tumultuousness of that whole relationship, right? But even if they full on believed that they hated me,  why would I want to pollute my mind With that thought, my child hates me.

That is my belief that I'm choosing to think over and over in my head.  Why would I do that to myself?  Why would you do that to yourself?  I mean, I know that many of us have done this before, but that's what I want you to question . Like, why am I choosing to repeat that to myself?  Because it's almost like you're abusing your own self with those words.  

You know, with all of the thoughts that are available to you, all of the different beliefs that you could, you could repeat to yourself. Why would you continue to think my child hates me? full stop, That's where it ends. My child hates me. Boom. They don't want to see me. Boom. Every time that you don't hear from them or they don't respond to your text, that's because they hate me.

They hate me. actually so abusive it doesn't make sense, like, you may not even know that you're doing it consciously, but you think that you're protecting yourself, or like, that's the, the instinct is to protect yourself.

They hate me. So you want to put up this wall and put up like this front, So you want to like, call it out  before anybody else has a chance to or something?  So by stating it, nobody can like, take advantage of you get to you. But that's actually not true. by stating it, you're actually welcoming that belief and that whole mindset into your life. You could just choose to believe that my child is being misled right now. And although that's awful, I'm going to continue to, get creative and find ways to show up and model for them, even from afar, because when you're thinking my child hates me, my child doesn't want to be with me, they don't want to be here in this house.

The chances are you aren't showing up and innovative, creative light, uh, modeling for sort of way. You show up feeling guarded and not worthy and they don't like me. How can I get them to like me? Right? When they're not going to that's never going to elicit a favorable response anyway.

So you just end up playing into that whole game. If you will, that whole narrative and so it really becomes your reality. But when you can take a step back and say, okay, my, my child is definitely displaying. Some, behaviors that are not what I would love, but I know that  my kid is definitely feeling conflicted about something.

 . Then you're much more apt, able to

show up from an innovative, more helpful, more, open space. Right, where you don't feel like you're walking on eggshells in your own house, like you're a, you know, a guest in your own house, right? Scared that any reaction is going to set them off. That  plays into that energy.   energy sort of meets energy, right?

So that might actually encourage more of the same behavior from them. But instead, if you are unaffected and choose to believe that this is definitely not about me, And knowing that alienation is going on, clearly has to do with the loyalty conflict,  

And I understand too that a lot of times with anything that we have going on in our life, whether it's something that we like and we label or determine is going to be good for us. Or something like alienation and the fact that we're not connecting with our kids in the way that we always thought we would and want to  we'll have like

assign a bunch of different meanings to each situation that comes in front of us, right? And some of those will have like a mixed bag where part of us is happy, part of us is sad, right? Like that bittersweet,

and so I understand that it's not that all of you is All the time thinking that your kid hates you. Like part of you may full well know that your kid, you really trust that your kid does not hate you, that, you know, you've done, and you've educated yourself about alienation, right? About PA and how it manifests, you know, it right.

But just because you know, it doesn't mean you're. Subconscious is always going to listen to and follow that, when we're in the heat of the moment you know, the most primal part of us is going to wanna pay attention to the fears first. And this is when you can sort of poke holes in the oldest beliefs you have, which might be fear-based, right?

So anyway, Okay guys. So that's all I have for you today. And next week is number one Oh, Oh, 100. We're going to be doing a best stuff. Okay. And so I have gone back and collected all of the clips from the beginning of time, the start of these episodes, back from episode one, all the way through.

And that'll be next week. And it may, I'm going to have to do, there's so many clips actually I've tried to narrow it down. Um, anyway, there's going to have to be a couple volumes of it. , because there's just, it's too much. So with that being said, have

a wonderful week.