"My Life Is Doomed": 3 Signs To Help You Break Free for Alienated Parents

There is a very real, all-consuming trap in the survival mode of parental alienation. And that trap can quietly convince you that defeat is your permanent identity. Today, we're going to be breaking down the mechanics of the passive bow-out and why the storm that you are in right now was meant for a chapter and not meant to be your whole biography. So, you were listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 260. >> Welcome to Beyond the High Road, a podcast dedicated [music] to healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation. I'm your host, [music] Shelby Milford, a twice-certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic

growth. If you're experiencing [music] the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter to you. [music] Stay tuned. >> Hi guys. What's happening? So, today we are starting a series. I feel like always, um, at the end of the summer when the school year is ready to begin, um, and that's different, I know, all around the world, but in even in the United States. But here in Florida, school started this last week. And I know, like where I was in Texas, it starts next week. But it's all around that same time. And I feel like for me, ever since I had my daughter, that's when the new year started, right? I always seem to start things right around August, September,

new. You know? And maybe a lot of you guys are like that, too, having kids. So, um, we're starting a four-part series today, and I'm going to talk about that here in a minute. But this came, uh, today's topic, and then the rest were built on it, came up because I think I was talking with you guys a couple weeks ago about how I thought that I was the sacrificial lamb, right? I was convinced. And I even told my ex, my boyfriend at the or my husband at the time, that's what it was. I was convinced that I was a sacrificial lamb. My life was meant for mediocrity and um suffering. You know? So, um with that said, I'm going to go ahead I've got a little bit of a prepared

already mapped out intro that I'm going to somewhat read for you and then we're going to get into the meat of the episode, okay? So, if you look at your life today and you feel like a black cloud is permanently parked over your head like I did. If you secretly concluded that maybe your life was just meant for mediocrity, right now I want to invite you to take a deep breath in and hear what I'm about to share with you. Because I know that feeling so well. I lived it. After alienation took its tightest hold on my life, I reached a point where I looked around at the complete destruction of my family and I broke. That's what it felt like, you know? I used to call it the perfect storm.

No matter what I did, no matter how hard that I tried, it felt like a dark cloud and buzzards followed me wherever I went. I I These are terms that I used to say, repeat to myself and out to whoever would listen often back then. And because the pain was so constant, my brain did something dangerous, kind of dangerous I think now looking back, to survive. Just to survive. It created a story to make sense of the chaos. I told myself on the rag, well I guess I must be the martyr here. I'm the one that suffers, that's just what my life is going to be for. Clearly it is because it's never letting up. Just when I think it's going to let up, boom, something comes and knocks me

right down. Why else would all this be happening to me? Was the end result. And the moment that I accepted that illusion of cosmic doom, you know what I did, of course, is I stopped trying. I passively bowed out of lots of things, right? I turned down career advancements, um money-making opportunities out in the world because, of course, a broken parent doesn't deserve to live some sort of big life. It's not even in the cards for me. Why would I even try? I stopped going to social gatherings, and worse than that, y'all, is that I stopped trying to create or find new opportunities with my daughter because of this sting of rejection, how it felt too heavy for me to outmaneuver.

And so I let this the storm of alienation become my identity, and I pitched a tent directly inside all of the wreckage. So, if you are sitting in your own tent, if you're letting fear or guilt or shame slowly erase your presence from the world and from your child's life, this series that I'm doing right now, today being the first part of it, is your eviction notice. Your loving eviction notice. Because what I learned later on and what saved my life, literally, is that that storm was meant for a moment, not for a lifetime. Yes, I believe the way that I think about it, the what helps me is, yes, you were supposed to experience this heartbreak. Yeah. And also, the pain, of

course, then had to be inevitable. And but in my eyes, you were meant to grow through it, get to the other side so that you could carry out your true mission on the other side of this crisis, not so that you could die in the dark. So, today we are kick-starting a four-part masterclass, basically, on reclaiming your agency. We're unmasking the illusions that keep us paralyzed. We're learning how to step out of the role of the sacrificial lamb, if you're there, okay? So that you can finally begin to heal your life. And of course, with that comes so much relief. So, let's get started. Okay, y'all. So, you know that I am not a big fan of using clickbait words like danger or the

narcissist, dun dun dun. You know, um but I do believe that, like I kind of mentioned just a second ago in that intro, that there was a very dangerous belief that I clung to, developed, and then clung to in that time, right? It was this belief that cosmic or never-ending do, you know, silently changed my day-to-day life and my behavior, really, which changed my life. It was how I slowly, quietly, almost unnoticeably at first, because it happened gradually, you know, um chose to bow out. Missing career opportunities, and I'm going to talk about that in a second. Ghosting friends, you know, or opportunities with them, and just subtle withdrawal of reaching out to the world

or participating in the regular everyday community events, exchanges that I used to do. I changed who I was, really, without even realizing that that's what I was doing because of that one belief that I am doomed forever. I must be doomed. I must be the martyr. I have buzzards flying over my head. This was all the perfect storm to bring me to my demise, all of that, right? That language ended up changing who I was. For real. Changing who I hung out with, really who I didn't hang out with. I didn't hang out with anybody. I I closed myself into a corner, into a room, and the door shut, you know, padded walls. And it was very dark, very very dark and hopeless. Um directionless, purposeless,

meaningless, you know? And so, yeah, I do believe that this kind of belief, even if you don't realize it's there because it's so subtle, which it is kind of a sneaky way, um that survival system, your survival system, will start taking over and convincing you that the world out there is dangerous. So, I'm going to give you three signs that this might be happening with you. It's not exhaustive by any means, but three big signs that I saw in my life and I see in other parents' lives that have not yet started their healing journey. Or maybe they've tried to start, but because of this belief, which I have um somebody in mind right now when I just said what I said,

uh we were just had an uh an message exchanged the other day, as I've known him for a while, where he has a similar belief to this, and I have talked about this before. A lot of parents have this, where they think that they're unfixable. They're unfixable, they're uh hopeless cause, that sort of thing. It's all the same. So, if that ever comes for you, like things won't work for you, right? Oh, that's not going to work. It could work for everybody else, but it won't work for me. Um I I I really really beg of you, almost, if if you love yourself, you love your children, and you value your life and your family to listen closely today and to take what sounds what resonates

at all and apply it to your life now. Moving forward so that you see that it's not true. Things that work for other people can also work for you. You just have to find your Um you have to find your combination. I'm not putting my words around, but I'm sure you will see what I'm saying. So, the ghosting of friends, the subtle withdrawal from you reaching out to your children, right? Shifting you from an active participant in life, like I was talking about with me where I was once very vibrant, active, doing all the things, to observer, an observer in the wreckage of your wreckage. When you believe you're earmarked for mediocrity or for failure, you actively stop

investing in your future. It's just That's just I want to say math here. When you're When you believe I'm going to fail anyway, of course you're not going to try. You're never going to try if you're saying I'm I'm going to fail or what's the point? My life is meant for suffering. Why would you try? So, you preemptively reject the world before can reject you again is another way that some people think about it. It just depends. So, sign one that brings me right to sign one. It's exactly what I was just talking about is the what's the point paralysis. The passive professional maybe and social withdrawal. And maybe just a withdrawal from not just socially, but within you, like

your drive to do things, right? Not everybody was working or had a professional life before alienation happened, right? Or that wasn't the main goal and maybe you were at at home and your job was to take care of your children. That was me. And so, when it came to getting out in the professional world, it was I was screaming and fighting tooth and nail, like pounding my fists, kicking my feet because I did That's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to stay home with my kid. Anyway, so how this manifests, one way it can manifest is what the paralysis That's the what's the point paralysis. Is if you were in the career world, maybe you're passing up promotions, maybe you're letting career change

opportunities pass you by, or business ideas, you're just poo-pooing them because in your mind you're saying that you don't have the bandwidth, right? Or that success doesn't belong to someone like me. Now, I have a story that I actually forgot about um until today when I was writing all this this outline out for y'all. I can remember clearly I was still living in that the house, not the house on the hill, but my custom home, the one that I had sold for to go back to court. I was still living there and my friend Marco had come over. At that time, I had maybe I was still teaching some classes over at Lifetime. I was definitely doing boot camps, but I was also had started making

cornhole boards. I made cornhole boards. Maybe I told you guys this part, right? I made cornhole boards and really I was never a woodworker, but the idea, the whole point of it was to hand-paint logos and business names, you know, bars, restaurants, distilleries cuz I lived in Austin, right? Texas, where a lot of that live music and there's a lot of outdoor functions there. And so I wanted to paint something that was beautiful, but also usable in a fun atmosphere, right? Um it was my way to escape. But anyway, my friend Marco had come over. I had made him a set of boards, painted his logo on hand-painted his logo on on the set. And he offered me he loved the boards and offered me this

opportunity with Walmart to make them mass produce my brands for Walmart. He knows that somebody that's really high up in corporate and it could have been like a done thing. But at the time I can remember standing in my driveway handing him his boards and sending him on his way and telling him no. I didn't want to do that. I wasn't interested in. I was so adamant that I needed to reject that offer from him which could have it could have brought in so much money, you know? But I didn't I didn't want it. I wanted no part of it. Part of it was maybe I was telling myself that that would be selling out. >> [laughter] >> That then I wouldn't be able to do that the painting and that's what I adored

doing. But I could have also done that anywhere else. Anyway, there was so many naive arguments that I had but mostly I know for sure where I was at in my life at that time. I was in an abusive relationship with the next guy, right? And it was it was hell where I was even though you wouldn't really know it from the outside. I was living in a very dark dark dark space because the alienation had for sure taken on at that point. In fact, my daughter Scarlet had just been she just moved over to her dad's house for real for real. I was barely seeing her. I we were going back and forth to court and I hadn't seen her maybe in I mean months at that time. So I was really down in the dumps,

right? And so I told myself number one exactly what I just sort of outlined for you guys that I didn't have the bandwidth for it. That I didn't have the space. That I thought that um maybe this is hopefully not too activating for you. I think right before that whole Marbo offer, you know, for Walmart happened my ex had come in with a hammer and after I just finished a whole set of beautiful set of boards for somebody another bar, he had taken a hammer into the the decks of both of them and destroyed them. I mean, it was I told you it was a messed up relationship. I actually forgot about that until I just said it out loud right now. >> [laughter and gasps] >> Taking a deep breath, but kind of

actually shows you where my self-esteem was at that time back then or when I even chose him because he came obviously after my daughter father and I split up. And I really did want to create a family for my daughter, but I was taking less than scraps. I was okay with abuse because I thought that in the end I was in survival mode. I was in constant stress response, you know? That I thought that I could make us be better and I was already too invested. I invested too much time in him. So, I would figure out a way to make everything calm, which was entire It was really backwards thinking now that I'm out of that, but in the time I I couldn't make sense of anything. So,

anyway, so I didn't have the bandwidth. I thought that my current sleeping with the enemy uh partner was going to sabotage anything I had. And I also know for a fact that my whole everything in my life, how I had manifested what was showing up in my life, came from this idea that success doesn't belong to somebody like me. Clearly it doesn't. It's not for me. Anyway, so that's one area where I definitely passed up money opportunities, advancement, career advancement opportunities, all the things. And obviously make this yours. I'm sharing my experience because I I know sometimes in the those experiences you guys can find yourself even if just a sliver, you know?

Um, another area is letting friendships fade as I kind of hinted at a little earlier, right? Ignoring invitations, right? Ghosting support networks. Because sitting in a room with normal, happy families feels like salt in an open wound. Right? I didn't want to sit with my the friends that I always spent time with because those friends obviously fittingly had children that were around about my daughter's age if they weren't exactly my daughter's age. Because of course, that's who I was hanging out with all the time. It's who she was hanging out with, of course, right? And I think we can all kind of relate that to that. Even my neighbors, you know, they all had kids. Everybody played together.

And so for me to go spend time, and I'm sure with you, too, go spend time with those people in my mind back then, and it makes sense at first, right? But I kept it as such that I made up a story in my mind that going to be around them and seeing their kids play is only going to remind me of what I don't have. But I was being reminded of that all day long anyway. So, what's the difference? The difference was back then, I wanted to close myself in because I was in stress response and survival mode, which only actually prolonged that state for me. So, I one by one sort of started shutting my friends out, and each time they would ask me to do something or extend a hand or ask me what was going

on, I didn't want to burden them with the heaviness of my situation was another thing, too, you know? And also, every time that they would ask, then I would get activated because I hadn't normalized it for myself back then, and I really wish, like if you are right now early on in this tragedy of alienation. Um I'm telling you right now that I would have done this differently. I thought I will deal with friends and all of that stuff later. I can't it's one more thing that I just can't take. And of course you know what's best for you, but I will say that back then I didn't know what was best >> [laughter] >> for me too. Like I may have on some level, but I was in such stress response

that of course the way the human body works is is is going to keep you in a dark room if it if it can. If it can convince you to stay inside and stare at the TV drooling eating >> [laughter] >> That's what I did. Eating bad snacks and saying stationary sedentary it will because that's what it thinks you need. Unfortunately, that is like the last thing that I know I needed and most people need when all of this is going on. And so it's of course I'm actually going to do an episode that addresses this a bit deeper coming up. So on I think it's the fourth out of this series there's it's a four-part series. So just hang tight because I will get more specific about that, but I just right

now today's episode is more for you to identify it's you are here and then just to know that there are steps out. Um so I have another point to make on that and now I can't remember. So I'm going to maybe come back to it. There was another Oh yeah, let me go back to the heaviness. As far as like my closest friends that would ask all the time I felt like the burden on them and I also I'm going to address this deeper in that upcoming episode, but I just want to say right now at least if that is you just to remember that it may be heavy for them and you don't have to use your friends as if they're your therapist. You know, there's a time and a place for everything, but I've recently and I

actually mentioned this to a client somewhat recently. Did you guys ever see that movie Sally Field? Um I'm going to have to look it up right now. Maybe not because I don't know, maybe not all of you would have wanted to watch it, but Oh, yeah. Okay. So, it's called Remarkably Bright Creatures. Okay, it's Sally Field and I don't know who else, some hot younger guy and about the octopus. Anyway, there's a part in the movie where Tova, Sally Field, was down in the basement with her other friend, right? They've been long-time friends. Sally Field had dealt with uh her son's passing. Actually, this movie is fantastic if you guys haven't seen it. And right now just thinking about what

happened with her, um is making bringing me to tears in a good way. But anyway, Tova's son had died and they didn't know actually how. Like, did did son commit suicide or did he die out of an accident? What happened? And she it was 30 years later and she had been stuck in this place of grief, heavy grief. And she had closed herself off from all of her friends really. I mean, they they were persistent, but she became very grumpy and a bit jaded and even chose a job where she was just doing the night cleaning at this aquarium, right? And I don't know, somewhere up in the northeast, which was a really cool job. But anyway, I'm getting off topic right now. So, she lived pretty much closed

off from the world. And her one of her best friends, her husband had just died. Sorry, I'm getting to the point. So, she just became a widow. And she said, "You know, it's really difficult. I'm trying to be your friend and you're not allowing me to be your friend. You don't share anything that's going on with you and that causes me to not want to share with you because I don't think that you're open to hearing it. Now, I am obviously way paraphrasing, but the whole point of what I'm saying here and the whole point of that scene was saying that friends are there for a reason. Like your good true friends, whoever it is in your life, even family members, clearly they're not going to

understand what's going on with you because they've never been through it. Unless you your friend is also alienated or your family member, then okay, whatever. Doesn't apply. But clearly they they're not going to understand it. Just like you won't understand somebody experiences that they've gone through. Maybe yours does feel darker. Surely yours does feel darker because you're going through it. So, they don't have to know what to say to you and you can actually, this is something that I've done with my people, I've said that to them. Like you don't have to know what to say to me and please don't try to fix my pain. I don't I definitely that's not what I need. I just want you to hear me.

I just want you to to know what's going on with me and likewise, I want to know what's going on with you because that also helps me to take me out of my situation, out of my doomsday sort of thing, you know? So, having that conversation, if you do have still have people wanting to hear and you trust them, I think it's such a loving move for yourself and then also for the relationship and to them, for them. For everybody involved. Because if not, if you are choosing to shut off and now I'm going into it more than I wanted to, I was intended to, is that if you choose to shut yourself down because you're telling yourself that you're a burden or that they won't

understand or whatever it is, you're only punishing yourself what maybe not even meaning to, but you're also punishing and putting a wall up in the relationship by keeping yourself silent, it causes this passive sort of rift between y'all. Anyway, just have the conversation with them. Here's what I need and here's what I don't need from you. I would love it if you would just remember that. And if they bring it up or they do something that you're not in love with, I mean that it's their right because they're adult humans. They can do what they want, but at least you voiced it. At least you've opened a line of communication. Okay. So, the whole point of that um sign one

is to say that you aren't protecting your energy by pulling away from the world. Now, even though you're thinking that you're protecting your energy by pulling away from the world, you aren't. You end up treating the brutal season that you're in of your life right now as if it's a lifetime sentence of isolation. You're actually putting yourself in the corner with the dunce cap on. So, don't do that. But anyway, that's the sign. It's It's as if you've noticed that you've backed off from the world. So, number two is a sign two is what I am calling curbside capitulation. Okay? It's about stopping before you start when it comes to your child. So, this idea, and I know that we've all

many of us anyway, the majority of us have done this in some way, likely not even intentional. It's the passive retreat from your child that happens after something like alienation because the engineered rejection from the other side hurts so deeply, your brain will end up trying to protect you by convincing you that not trying is actually a form of respect for their space. Now, I know if you've been alienated for a while and if you've gone down the deep dives, down all the rabbit holes of what the experts say about alienation, this is part of that narrative, right? Don't push, don't push. And so I'm not saying that you Again, you know what's right for you, or maybe if

you found that rhythm for yourself, you have to pick your battles, which again is part of the series. I'm going to do a whole episode on picking your battles when it comes to this. But just know that if you have seen yourself, right now the sign is that if you seen yourself bow out out of fear of the rejection, or fear of making things worse, you might be doing this, okay? So how it manifests, it depends on where you are in your alienation, like how long it's been, what the status is, if you see them, if you don't, you know? So make it your own, but what I wrote here is that you're deciding not to send the weekly text if you haven't been seeing them, the birthday card.

I've told you guys, if you've listened for a while, I've shared with you each year about the birthday card thing with me. >> [laughter] >> Where I've Actually, they're still I still haven't moved it. There's still a birthday card from a couple years ago where I didn't send. It was three, maybe even four years ago now. And I have a birthday card and even a gift that's sitting on on the second shelf of a table right by my front door. And I didn't send it because I was in my mind concerned about what how it was going to be received. Or even like your low-pressure sort of check-ins that you might have done before, going to games, going to school events, going

showing up wherever your child is, and you know that you have a right to be there. Because you're either thinking with the gifts and things that they'll just ignore it anyway, so what's the point of even trying? Or when it comes to events and stuff, you're scared of the rejection that will happen, public rejection that will happen, or you're scared also the fear is that you will make them uncomfortable and put added pressure on them in an already high-pressure situation like a game or performance, what have you. The other way, and it's just a continuation of that, is assuming that if you stop pushing, that the conflict will stop, too, right? How many of you? Me, too. I did it where I

wanted to act like the wallflower, like blend into the scenery of anywhere I was, because then that way in my mind, oh well, the conflict will stop. Just don't make waves, right? Completely forgetting though that if this is you, that your silence is actually where the narrative is born and then it thrives there. It's like festering there when you bow out, right? It's like it reinforces the win. If I don't believe in winning and losing in this, because I think that that puts us in that black-white mindset, but it does in their in the game that's being played it reinforces the win. It reinforces the quote-unquote power, their perceived power. So, the quiet times when you

choose not to see your child out of fear, right? Or not to speak up when otherwise you would, on your side of things, is going to also then, like I said that in on their side of things, that it's going to reinforce their win, but on your side of things, it's going to reinforce this idea that you're not the parent, I'm not I'm going to speak about it in the first person with me, is that I'm not the kind of parent that speaks out. I'm not the kind of parent anymore that goes up to my child and hugs them after a game or before a performance or whatever it is. I'm just not That's not who I am. >> So, it becomes your identity. >> So, on the other hand, it can provide

the alienator to like in the quiet times, depending on the kind of alienating parent you have and what I mean is their style. It can provide whoever's alienating your kids from you with the ultimate proof to then tell the child, "See? This other parent Your mom or dad doesn't love you. They just stopped caring or all they care about is themselves." Or whatever. You're kind of damned if you do and if you don't. So, if you don't show up, then that's a problem. And if you do show up, then that's a problem, too. That's how it was with me, you know? Like, "Oh, she's so selfish. She shows up even though you said not to." And then, you don't show up, "Oh, see?" It's like double-edged sword. And I

could share with you guys I mean, I have so many stories about this, but I want to keep it under a certain amount of time say, so I'm not going into a full hour episode. But, the whole point of that is that there's a massive difference, y'all, between giving your child breathing room, massive difference, and giving up your seat at the table completely. Rejection is temporary. And it's really um in the eye of the beholder. It's kind of also a perception assessment on what's happening. You could see your child as rejecting you, or you can see your child as rejecting themselves and Not that you want to put it back on them, but it is ultimately what they're doing or your child in pain.

You know, that's ultimately what it is. Um So, rejection is temporary, but the voluntary disappearance, y'all, leaves a permanent scar inside you and also leaves a neural pathway that will become a superhighway in your mind and your body the more that you internalize and reinforce the idea that all you are is rejected or that all you are is a parent that doesn't You're not the parent that speaks out or you're not the parent that shows up no matter what your child how your child responds. Like you showing up in a loving way, you know? Okay. So, sign three that you are bowing out quiet. I'm calling it pitching a tent in the perfect storm. I mentioned the perfect storm earlier in the intro and

this is where your identity starts to fully shift into becoming the sacrificial lamb. Really, the person that bad things always happen to. Trauma becomes your narrative and also your personality. You're the person that lives in trauma. Whether you want to or not, most people don't want to. I don't know of many people that like with their higher thinking want to, but I know many people I had conversations with many parents that clearly are valuing the trauma over the free and clear living in a life of joy and meaning, right? Maybe you're not always joyful, but a life of meaning. They don't necessarily want to choose or value that sacrificial lamb story, right? The victim story, which by the

way, this is going to be a whole episode in this four-part series. Not next one, but the one after that. I forget. Coming up. But what happens is that the narrative, the tragic narrative, becomes comfortable. It becomes the your default way. When you accept the identity of the sacrificial lamb, you stop looking for clear skies. Because you're so used to and you get addicted to the predictability of the black cloud because at least it's familiar. May not be comfortable, but it's what you know. And I again, I was there for a long way too long, way too long. But at that point, when it became my fully my identity, um not only was I I more cynical and more negative, I got I wish I had like

recordings of myself back in those days. I mean, I kind of do. I kind of don't. I mean, yeah, I do. Just for um sharing with you guys maybe, so that maybe you could identify with that story that I had back then, but it was very I know it was very negative, and I can tell that it was very negative by the results that were in my life at that time. That's how you know. Like you know by the results, I mean, outside that you see what a person I'll be inside is thinking and and feeling on the everyday. You know? So, how this manifests, you guys, is defining sometimes This is a I'm only giving a couple examples here, but I can there's I'm sure there's more. Um one way, a big way, is that you define

every single inconvenience or many of the inconveniences that happen to you, a flat tire, a bad day at work, a broken appliance, overflow of bills, um another a missed call from your kid or a missed visit because they canceled a canceled visit, I should say, as proof that the universe is out to get you. You know? Like of course, this is just the way things work for me. I never get a break. Lucky? What are you talking about? I'm I'm I'm the unluckiest person in the world. I'm the always the person that gets caught. I'm always the person that gets the short end of the stick or straw or whatever that saying is, you know? That's just who I am. Uh failure is what becomes your norm.

Right? And you think that the bad thing showing up is just more evidence that that's your destiny. I would get like so exasperated and worked up. Actually, you know what, you guys? I'm saying this about before, I had a small bout of that this last week. And now that I'm like thinking it over, and I'm just going to share it with you because it was on the small scale what I used to do back then, and I used to throw tantrums, like days-long tantrums, because it just made me so mad and kept me down. I felt like somebody, whether it was my ex or whoever, was just like pushing me down constantly. It was like this heavy weight, like a machine that just kept pressing me down. Just when I

thought that I saw a little sunlight, boom, smack down again. That's what it felt like back then. But this last week, I'll just share with you something more recent, so I'm not just talking about divorce, um because I'm human. You know, we all have things. I had a I won't go into everything that happened, but there was just one thing after another last week that the kinds of things that never happened. First off, it started with I was doing my regular jump rope workout that I do daily almost, and it's really hot outside, so it wasn't like I wasn't warmed up, and I heard this was uh the 31st of July, actually, the end of July. So, I was jump roping and I did a turn,

a turn that I'm totally used to, and I don't know if I was distracted or what happened, but I heard a pop in my knee. I felt I didn't really hear it cuz I have my headphones on. I felt the pop in my knee. It was really uncomfortable. Long story short, after going to the doctor and the MRI the all the things, well, I haven't actually gotten the results back from the MRI. The doctor is saying right now torn meniscus, but we'll see. It doesn't even matter what the diagnosis is right now. It's just that for a full week, I could not walk. And now it's I guess this happens with meniscus tears. Depending on how it's torn, when the flap angles or like the piece, if it depending on what it is of

that cartilage, gets in the wrong place in your knee, it can lock your knee up like it what it was doing for me and it can cause a lot of pain and like a rat like pebbles are underneath my kneecap, right? And then all of a sudden the other day, I woke up and it was not hurting at all. I feel like twinges in the back of my knee. Anyway, that was what kicked it off and then it was I had a weird client somewhat new client session and then my father and his wife, all of the things in my world were a little crazy and it just didn't match up to what my life has recently been. It's like when it rains it pours, that's what it was. And I was really upset about it. It was really like it just

felt like one more thing on on top of another and on top of another. And it was really mad and I was like, why does this keep happening? What is going on? And I was mad at I was like yelling at the universe. Throwing soft things in my house. Back in the day I would throw hard things and break things, but no. >> [laughter] >> But for a for a 10-minute period, I had a moment, you know? But this time I knew not to make this some huge thing about me. This time I didn't make this about the universe or some machine trying to push me down. I was just expressing my frustration where before I made this the way set of my life. Of course this is going to happen because this is how life works

for me. I'm meant to suffer. I'm meant to fail. I'm meant to stay in the darkness. Is what I did. And so there is a huge difference between the two. It still wasn't pleasant in the last, you know, week and a half or whatever, but it it's survivable. Not only survivable, was able to get through it and the same thing with you. Anyway, so another way that you can see the perfect storm pitching a tent in the perfect storm manifesting in life is that you will end up using your trauma as this like absolute shield against any form of personal growth, accountability, joy, goodness in your life. And we're going to talk about this during this series more in depth.

But you will use it without even really well wanting to use it and actually maybe resenting the fact that it's happening like this, but you will still use it as a shield to ward off any goodness. You'll say, you know, well, you just don't understand. You don't understand my life. You don't understand my pain. You may say this outwardly or you may say this on the inside. People don't understand me. And so you without wanting to be as it becomes like this the special snowflake syndrome. You know, where you're like, nobody will understand, nobody gets it that this is pain that I need to feel and I need to sit in it. You end up quote-unquote processing for sometimes years. I've seen that happen.

For years on end where people parents will use their pain as their ticket or their pass to not do anything. Or they'll say they truly want actually to find relief, to feel, create peace in their life. But then if you notice if this is happening with you, you'll notice too that you'll end up weaponizing your own traumatic events like some usually it's the unprocessed trauma of your past. You'll weaponize that against you as opposed to actually using it for you, growing through it. I know that sounded cliche-ish, but it's true. So if you're telling yourself that like, oh yeah, but how can I even try to find peace, create meaning in my life now with everything I'm carrying,

then you're backing yourself into that corner. And I'm going to go into this further in upcoming episodes, but just know it doesn't have to be that way. The whole all of that summary of of sign three is the buzzards only stay if you keep acting like the dead animal. Like something that's dead. How I did. Everything was very dark. In fact, I even dressed like death. >> [laughter] >> I funny not funny. Like I dressed like a in the colors of a bruise, I used to say about myself. It was black, gray, dark brown. There's nothing wrong with those colors. I still love all those colors today. But everything I chose, my full energy was that of somebody who gave up.

You know, and like I said, the buzzards only stay. They only keep swarming or whatever they do they're doing up there, circling up there. >> [laughter] >> They swarm. Bird birds of prey anyway, circle. If you're acting like the dead animal. So, if this is you, it's time to pack up that tent. Saying this with love. Stand up and realize that you are allowed and supposed to survive this. Not just pass it, eke by, and pass through this and like No, you're supposed to get through this, come bring yourself through this, pass to the other side of this with flying colors. Okay? That's what I believe. And I don't see the downside of believing that. Of training your mind to believe that,

looking for evidence on how that's true. Because truly, why else would we all have gone through this? I truly believe that we are all meant for or called for more than what we were living. You know, and I believe too that it was always going to for me not every bit people this piss is people off when I say it, but that it was always going to happen this way. For me. I'm not saying that about you. Not saying that you're not meant to be a parent. In fact, I believe that we are so the parenting that we do through this whole thing of alienation, it may not it's clearly not the traditional way method of parenting, right? It's not the chosen way for any of us. But I believe the kind of parent that

you become through this is leagues away from what we were and what other parents some other parents are. And I don't want to make this about comparison, but there's it doesn't just happen because there's bad luck. I didn't know that for me because when I tell you about the perfect storm, I there was like I would just get a like get out of a bad situation where I could have quote and quote lost my daughter. Like I won in court and then woo, dodge that bullet. And then something somehow someway where the perfect storm where like everything the stars, the planets, everything aligned to create a situation almost exactly like the one that I got out of before and in a ways that I never could have

imagined. Circumstances that would happen reappear and then cause me to actually lose another freedom with my daughter, access to her. You know, in all I could I mean if I spelled this out and I'm actually doing all the writing on this right now, I'm not going to cuz it's going to get too long. This episode's going to get too long. But there are so so many instances. It's without a question that this was supposed to happen for me the way that it did. And I hated that in the beginning. >> Oh. >> When we got the idea of this because it was suggested to me through somebody that was not alienated ever, didn't even know what that meant when I first met her. In fact, she was my um first coach

that got me on this whole pathway to sitting right now where I am with you and speaking to you guys. She suggested this idea that maybe it was always supposed to happen this way and I I wanted to do bad things to her. >> [laughter] >> Got to say things that maybe I shouldn't say on on the camera. So, I'm going to leave it alone, but I was really really really angry with her. Because of course I'm supposed to be a mom. Of course I'm supposed to be with my daughter and support my daughter. That's the whole Why would anybody think anything different? What are you trying to say that I'm not good enough to to mother my daughter? That the the stepmom is better?

Boy, did that make me mad. And it's not about that. Now I see that maybe it was always supposed to happen this way and who knows what's going to happen ahead, but this is exactly what needed to happen for my daughter to get where she's got to go. And yes, there's pain. And yes, there's abuse happening. Absolutely. And there was abuse happening when it came to me, you know, it in that situation. Before. Um for sure. And bad things happen all around this world. They've been happening for a thousands, hundreds of thousands of years. However one since the first person is on this earth, bad stuff has been happening. Barbaric things. And I'm not saying that that's right. I'm just

saying it's part of the human condition. And so, I'm not meant to stay nor are do I believe that you are meant to stay a martyr. You know? I believe that the martyrdom and the the suffering for me it was required. It was a prerequisite for me to get here today so that I could help y'all out there. And so that I could make meaning in my own life outside of alienation and so that I could grow in the areas that life was clearly asking me to, calling me to. It starts off as a little poke, you know, "Hey, little tap on the shoulder. Like you might want to grow here, change what you're doing here." Back in the day, a little tiny little nice little tap and then it's like a little hit check.

>> [laughter] >> Like it's a pull on, whacked over the head. Funny, not funny at all back then, but it was what it took for me to realize. Like there were it was constant It was circling, you know, not like the buzzards. I mean, yes and no, but it was because I was not taking the hint early on. This wasn't as punishment, it's so that I could fast track my way to where I am today. Because this was always going to happen. How it happened, whatever it whatever. But this, where I am and where I'm going, you know, cuz clearly I have more growth to do just as we all do, right? But I needed to get here first. I needed to to grow, open up, stop the ha- habits and all the things, you know, that I was

doing, let go of those so that I could become more conscious and let go of the blindfold I had before. I was living in a very unconscious way and if you've been listening for a while, you know this. You've heard me talk about this. So, I'm not going to go into a huge thing and in fact, where I'm going to um pivot now and bring it home. So, if you've recognized yourself in those three signs, I want you to know that there is no shame here whatsoever. It's an entirely human response to buckle, to go into retrograde when you've been beaten down for so long. That's what it feels like, you know, when you have been a parent experiencing alienation. But here, my friends, is where we draw the

line in the sand. If you want to find peace, if you want to create meaning, purpose, and a life of light, you know, you have to realize that this entire passive retreat that may be going on for you is based on a lie. If you're here, you're likely telling yourself that staying small is what is going to protect you from more pain. Here's the thing, is it doesn't. It just ensures that the pain and the smallness wins. I had to learn the hard way that my tragedy, and tragedy it was, was meant for a moment, not a lifetime. That moment, I know, can feel like eternity. But I promise you it's a drop. If you let it be a drop, anyway. I had to realize that my daughter definitely

didn't need a martyr, and I know this sounds um icky to say, but rotting in the wreckage of a broken family, of our broken family. She needed a parent, she needed her mother, she still does, who was strong enough to build a beautiful, stable life, independent of the chaos. So that when the fog does clear for her, she has a lighthouse to come to. So your mission, now I'm speaking directly to you, that your mission didn't end when the alienation began. I promise you, your job as parent did not end when alienation began. In fact, your real mission, in my minds, the work that you were put on this earth to do, that is just getting started. But you cannot build a lighthouse, build

your lighthouse of you, while you're still feeling like and playing the part of the sacrificial lamb. So, for me, once I realized that I was allowed to step out of that role, that finally, oh, okay, I don't have to stay in that role, that's not actually a fact that every parent remains there. That's what I thought back then. Like, what else am I supposed to do? I It was my way of and I'm going to talk about this next week, but it was my way of It was showing allegiance, right? To stay in that in that role of martyr. It was necessary for me to look at the survival traps that I built while I was down there. And next week, we're going to be diving straight into the hidden faces of

self-punishment and how we actively keep ourselves broken because suffering feels like the only way to pay our debt. That's what we're going to talk about next week. So, I hope you guys got something out of this today, and I look forward to talking with you guys next week. Okay. All right. Love you all, and bye.

Okay. I think I did it. Holy I think it's good. But Cool. >> [snorts] >> Okay. So, where is that? Oh, but am I still recording?