Navigating Nostalgia, Remorse, & Uncertainty

In episode 131 Shelby Milford delves into the mixed emotions that arise with springtime nostalgia. She shares her personal reflections on regret and remorse, prompted by some treasured memories with her daughter before alienation. Shelby emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between regret and shame, encouraging listeners to embrace their growth journey. She explores how changing the narratives we tell ourselves about our past can foster healing and growth. With a poignant example of an Instagram post (thanks to Max Stossel), Shelby inspires parents to stay hopeful and believe in a brighter future despite current hardships. She concludes by underscoring the unbreakable bonds between parents and children, offering encouragement and support to all alienated parents.

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview

00:36 Springtime Nostalgia and Memories

03:27 Reflections on Regret and Remorse

05:29 Understanding and Overcoming Shame

10:35 The Power of Perspective and Storytelling

30:16 The Unbreakable Parent-Child Bond

32:17 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Episode Transcript

  You are listening to the Beyond The High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 131. Stay tuned. What's going on y'all? How are we doing this week? Um, I am, I'm mixed. I'm kind of mixed. I'm like overall in great spirits, but, Also, this is what the topic's gonna be about.

I've been, this is that time of year y'all where I, I think a lot of you feel the same way, like springtime, you know, when the Easter dresses start coming out, when you start and I start seeing the little girls, I don't know if it's because where I'm living, you know, like in Florida, I kind of remember this happening in Texas though too.

Um, but around this time I just see the kids out playing more and, um. You know, the little girls with their cute, messy hair done and their little dresses on it is just going to target and seeing them, it's just that time of year where everything's so active again, and it reminds me of when I was doing that stuff I was thinking yesterday, I was outside repotting, some plants yesterday afternoon, and I sat like on the ground and on my porch, pavers. And I just sat there and was thinking about back in Austin, I would pick my daughter up From school. We would go home, do her homework, and then we'd grab our bathing suits.

Every year right around, SXSW we would start this routine I'd pick her up from school, we'd go home, my house was just right around the corner from school well, for part of the time, we'd go home, do our homework, and then we would grab our bathing suits and go to my friend Mark's pool and we would spend all afternoon early evening there.

And play. You know, I would tie balloons to her little bikini so that she could float around if she was too tired, you know? and we just had a ball. kitty chicken fights, you know, it's just, we had so much fun, around this time of year because also like Christmas.

As y'all, if you've been doing the exchanges for a little while or did do 'em for a while, um, Christmas, I, I always knew I was gonna have to split up, so, I guess, I don't wanna say I got jaded around that, but it was a little bit different. Whereas the spring and summer, I knew I was gonna be spending a lot of time with her, you know?

And yeah, we did, uh, alternate the spring breaks, but when I did have her the year of spring break, the years that I did have her, oh my gosh, it was glorious because we would go to the pre SXSW stuff and I'd take her down to the Children's Museum, which was right downtown, back in the day.

You know, we would just march around town together and have fun, get our faces painted, I'd get her face painted (until I started doing it for her. I would paint the kids' faces in the front yard, every year too). But anyway, I guess it's just that time of year, this nostalgia. there's a lot of really great memories and knowing that.

Summertime, it's on its way. And I al always spent so much more time with her over the summers, you know, because, you know, um, school was out. I, I couldn't wait every year for school to be out going places, coming down here to Florida, to the keys and, so it's difficult every year still.

Then yesterday as I'm sitting out in my patio, I was thinking about regret, remorse really, wishing that I would've known some things that I know, of course today, not living in it. But, I am sad for the things and the tools that I did not yet have back then. The things that I did not yet know back then, the courage that I did not yet have back then.

I spent a lot of time a lot of energy trying to hide. I don't know that I thought those words back then, but I needed to. I was trying to protect myself and protect my daughter. So I just needed to remain like unseen like, not make myself a target, And by doing that, by sort of like creeping into the shadows, I feel today, now that that was an oversight.

You know, if I was to do it over, I, would've faced everything head on as opposed to just hoping for and praying for silence and, no activity, right? Like no news is good news. That's how I lived my every day with them back then, because the blowups were just so upsetting.

I spent. Like the email exchanges and the attacks, it was just so much that I just wanted to keep everything quiet and not, you know, make any waves. And I know that you guys all understand that. But now looking back, not that I would choose to make waves, but I definitely think that today I wouldn't be as scared.

Of their responses, of their backlash, because I know that today doing the things that I needed to do and facing them head on would have produced different results. They kept pushing because I was shrinking. The more that I shrunk, the more that they pushed, and I also was hiding too, because. I was protective of my own habits and my own, um, shame, you know? so anyway, I guess what I'm saying is, is that it's okay. I think re remorse especially is, so long as you don't turn it into shame. There's a big difference, and I know I've done some episodes on this, but I always think it's a good reminder.

Not everybody listens to every episode, so . I just think it's good to remember that

regret remorse.

They're both okay to feel. the bittersweetness of these great memories, amazing memories, and wishing that they were still, and knowing now what I know and knowing what I didn't know back then. Like the gap in between. It's okay that I didn't know, and it's okay that I didn't act in the way that I would today.

I mean, that's, this is life, We don't know if we could live life backwards. It would be an entirely different experience and probably pretty boring actually. But I mean, I would take boredom any day if it meant that I had my kiddo. But how could I have known? How could you have known, the missteps or the lack of taking action or the whatever it is that you

guilt yourself about. I think just allowing it to be okay is so loving to yourself and also will help you to be more loving towards others, compassionate towards others, When we afford ourselves, you know, give ourselves some grace, we're much more able to show up. of coming from a place of love for all the other people in your life, including your children.

I think what happens sometimes is when we allow guilt, which is different than remorse, Regret is kind of like one of those in-betweens, it's a little bit more self-centered, right? So you remorse, I dunno if I've talked about this before or not. Remorse is more like, other centered, like it's an emotional response, deeper emotional response. As a result of knowing that you impacted somebody else's life in a way that you wish you hadn't, like a moral acknowledgement of having. Cause somebody else pain or having been a part of the pain. Also can be, Also too remorse can be, um, This happened actually with one of my friends. . Maybe you were driving the car and you came out unscathed, but other passengers in the car were.

Hurt. That could , of course cause remorse. You could have not been driving the car, but been in the car and been the only survivor and the other ones have gotten hurt . And also feel remorse because you were present when others were hurt. regret, on the other hand, I think I did have an episode on this regret on the other hand, is more of an, not necessarily an admission of guilt, but more like.

You're wishing things that would've been different for yourself, like wishing that you wouldn't be feeling the guilt that you're feeling. Regret can it's not always a bad thing. It can actually be useful. Like you have regret for not doing something, taking advantage of an opportunity in the past, right.

Going to college or, um, you know, like that regret is usually more self. Like introspective, you know, where remorse more centers around the feelings that you have about the way that your actions or non-action impacted somebody else's life.

Can help you to learn from your mistakes, It can help you to reflect self-reflect on how your actions or how whatever thoughts you were thinking back in the day caused you to feel and then act in certain ways. And today, maybe you don't want to act that way. So regret is helpful for that, for your own self-reflection and growth, right?

Remorse can help you to be morally accountable, right? To understand and acknowledge the harm that you cause. whether intentionally or not intentionally,  and that's where I think is key for us as alienated parents is most of the time we're coming from survival. Well real like we gotta save our kids, we gotta save ourselves, and this is what we think we need to do.

So you're not actually thinking with your prefrontal much of the time when you're in survival mode.  And so maybe today. You look back on the things that you did like, what was I thinking? Or why did I do it that way? What's wrong with me? And that is where, like that punishing stuff, that is where shame comes into the picture and, um,  cuts off your ability to actually grow and learn from the situation and do it different because now you've taken it.

Shame and shame will take your, remorse or take all of your mistakes and shove them down and wanna keep them secret.  As opposed to, which makes sense, especially because depending on how long you've been alienated or when you made these mistakes, , just even five years ago, we weren't, society as a whole wasn't in a place where it, it like personal growth through your mistakes was a thing, you know, and especially coming from the person that's alienating your kids from you, right?

They want to shame you. They want to, you know, denigrate put you down. , but today, the accountability and acknowledging how you affected somebody's life, like I said, uh, knowingly or unknowingly, um, even coming from what you think is, was right to do at the time, which is all we all can do, right? It is more accepted. Remorse also is what causes you to want to make amends with somebody? Well, most of the time, I mean, coming from the pure place between regret and remorse, remorse is the one that causes you to want to rectify and. Own your part of things and move forward.

Remorse will prompt you to wanna make a proactive effort to like repair the situation to, Rectify your situation by making amends you know, just owning your situation, coming from remorse that happens.

 So I was thinking about that and about how I didn't know, and then I was thinking how could I have known and how could I have known what was to come for me back then when I was in the, you know, survival mode and. Hiding out, right? How could I have ever known what was to come for me throughout the, you know, however many years it's been? 

I could never, never have dreamed up that I would be sitting here today talking with you guys after bringing myself through what I did  without drinking no less, , using a crutch in order to. Not feel for so long without having some guy be my savior, you know, or getting into another unhealthy relationship or, you know, whatever.

I, my whole life had sort of, as you guys have heard me say, just sort of ricocheted off of. People, places and things. And so for me to be sitting here today talking with you guys, other parents going through this and being on the other side of that, if you know what I'm saying, like I'm still very much in the alienation as far as my relationship with my daughter.

But I never in a million years would've guessed that I would be here as comfortable in my skin as I am today. Um, and have created a life around helping others, to do the same, following what we've been through never in a million years. And so it made me think about like if this version or even a future version of me, which I don't even know.

What that's gonna look like. Could talk to the past version of me. what would she say? You know? And then it reminded me of this Instagram post that I saw. The guy's name is Max,

Dosel, and he's a poet. He had this post. that stopped me in my tracks, and I thought it was such a great comparison.

Now, I believe the comparison that he was trying to make was life and death and that there's more after death, but I think that you can use it for anything. For me. I was thinking about the way that I'm gonna use it with you guys. Okay? So I'm not gonna do it justice, so you, and you may wanna go look it up and watch him do this, but I guess it's the opening to his show and

he talks about.

These two babies that are having a debate on life after delivery, so they're in their mother's womb, and the first baby says to the second baby, do you believe in life after delivery?

And the second baby says,  of course there has to be life after delivery. Maybe we're here to prepare ourselves for what will be later. 

The first baby said nonsense. There's no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be? The second baby says,  I don't know, but there has to be more light than here.

Maybe we'll walk and run with our legs and we'll eat with our mouths and our hands.

Maybe we'll have so much more than we can't even understand now,  and the first baby says that's ridiculous. Walking is impossible, and eating with our mouths and our hands. That sounds absurd. We eat with the umbilical cord. The umbilical cord provides us everything that we need.

It's far too short to supply us out there.

And the second baby says,  but what if it's just different than here? Maybe we don't need that cord anymore.  And the first goes, okay, well if there is life after delivery, then tell me why. Has nobody ever come back from there? Delivery has to be the end of life

and the second says, but certainly, oh yeah. out there is nothing but darkness and oblivion. takes us nowhere and we'd have nobody to take care of us. And the second said,  but certainly, , we'll meet the mother, and the mother will take care of us.

 And the first says, mother, you actually believe there's a mother.

If the mother exists, then where is she now? How come we don't see her now? And the second baby says.  She's all around us. We are of her.

We live inside of her. Our world is her. Without her, we couldn't exist.  And the first says, I don't see her.

It's only logical that she's not here. And the second replied,  sometimes when you're in the silence and you really listen closely, you can hear her, you can perceive her presence, you can sense her. You can hear her voice.. you can sense her.  that was the end of the post, but that was enough. You know, it's this idea that, of course things are gonna be so much different. There's this whole world, these babies who obviously can't really talk, but there's this whole.

World playground out here after delivery. This is when we believe, right now that life begins I think it is just so interesting to think about the fact that.

Before we start anything, before , any venture that we begin,  we really have no idea what's in store for us. Until, we're on the other side. We just don't know.  Me, same thing. When I was in the darkest moments of my life, I could never, ever in a million years imagine that I would've made it out and made it out. Um, emotionally, mentally, even better than how I was back then. More emotionally intelligent, more, um, whole, than I was back then, more aware who would've ever thought that? it took the courage of taking one step and taking another step and another step. . So if you're in that place right now where things seem hopeless and you're just not sure of how anything could ever get better for you, how life could renew for you after.

This tragedy of alienation and the abuse that may still be happening with your children. remember that nothing is off the table. The possibilities are really endless. And I think that when we're, in our own worlds and looking at our own path,  wearing the horse blinders of trauma.

Where we can only see what's in front of us. It's so hard to understand or fathom, that good could come from what we've been through, what we're going through, But

keep putting one foot in front of the other. Choose to have faith in your future, in your child's future.

 another thing I was thinking the other day was about how I've chosen the story, the stories I guess, that I have, strategically, like the story that I used to tell and the story that I could tell to this day about my life and what all of this alienation is going to mean for me and what it does mean for me and what it means for my daughter and us combined.

I could make it mean. A lot of things. The story the other day, I was thinking about how I used to tell, the other day, I was thinking about how I used to tell, like when alienation was happening from the get, like all the strategies were being put in place by my ex and his now wife, um, very early on. But things really didn't start to take hold. The way that I see it on the timeline is really about the time when I got together with the second guy, for a long time I told the story Silently on the inside that it was because of him. And if I never would've met him, then none of this would've happened. And so I could tell my story to this day about like how I was just minding my own business in my house and I was cleaning the floors, which is actually legit. I was cleaning my floors.

I remember what I was wearing when my friend at the time, this girl Kristen, brought. My now ex over to my house one night. Like I was not out looking to date anybody. She just brought him over for the purpose of, you know, being a playing matchmaker. And so she had her boyfriend over there at the time, but if she never would've brought this guy over to my house, none of the rest of the events would've ever taken place.

And I could actually feel a victim to that. But I don't, to this day, I don't tell the story about how this guy came over and. , made me believe that he was one person when he was another, and that he knew what he was doing the whole time and that he was, you know, just trying to get me and playing me.

Like a fiddle in order to take advantage of me later. I don't tell that story anymore because I know that I had a hand in that. Now, did I want to be a hand in that and was my life going in a different direction? Was I just gaining some ground, like in my own journey, my own path moving forward, like alienation was happening?

There were some crazy stuff that happened in the couple years beforehand. Um, I had gotten pulled over for the DUI and what have you, and. I was on the upswing from that, and so whenever I met Brian, things started to take a sharp turn back south.

Right. But Today. I don't blame it all on him. It is true. I do believe that if I never would've met him, these things would've happened. But I know too

 That I made so many decisions, like after the initial meeting him, you know, he came to my house. I didn't have to say, okay, spend the night. I didn't have to. , the next day after we'd all hearted ask him to come back over, at the first red flag. I didn't have to continue seeing him. I chose those things. And I believe today that I made those choices because that's what I was meant to do.

Like it was always, always gonna happen this way. Right. And so nobody took advantage of me. I was in the mental, emotional, spiritual place that I was back then because I still needed to go through things, right? And yeah, it was a lot of suffering. It was a lot of unconscious living, but it was me that was there making those decisions.

I don't fault me today for that. I am sad for me back then. I'm sad for me, I'm sad for my daughter, uh, you know, for, for everybody involved, especially her, but I also still trust to this day that this is what's going to, I have faith that this is what's gonna bring her to her highest self and me to my higher self like guaranteed, if I didn't go through what I did with that Brian Guy, I wouldn't have so much wisdom that I have today about myself and about, uh, the personality traits of somebody that would do that and why I chose that. You know, I don't choose to spend time on. Learning more about the narcissist or narcissist type person, but I definitely learned a lot and still continue to learn a lot about my choices and the role that I played, you know, what I brought to the table in each one of those relationships.

So anyway, I think it's just important to make that distinction in each one of y'all stories too, like. Yes, things went down and I'm sad for that person back then, that mother or father back then that didn't know.

But that's actually a reason for you to celebrate the growth that you've done since from then until now. Do you know what I'm saying? Like now I know the difference. How amazing is it that I'm more aware today than I ever was? Right. It's. Terrible that I had to go through what I did in order to learn it.

But how else are you gonna do it? You know? Like I had this set of skills from when I was a kid and those skills served me. Those thought behaviors, those patterns that I had back then, they served me for a period of time. They just stopped serving me at some point.

And the sooner that I acknowledge that, the sooner that I. start making a better life for myself moving forward. there's a choice always. There were choices back then for me. So many that I made over and over not knowing. Yes. And there's choices today that I have on what stories I'm deciding to regurgitate.

so many of us, the reason why we're suffering is because we choose the story that's on repeat in our head, like, on like auto replay in our head. For every situation and scenario that comes up in our life, we already have a narrative, like easy access, like grabbing eight tracks,  and I do mean eight tracks. 

If you guys don't know what that is, like if you're listening and you're in your, you know, twenties or thirties, go look it up. It's just like old school tapes that we, our brain will just pull up. And put in and press play for, because   📍 our brain likes to what? Be efficient. So now  it's gonna take a lot of effort for you to start choosing stories on purpose so that you don't suffer as much as you were.

Right? Like when a stressful event comes up, your brain will go through a cycle of, of secreting stress hormones, you know? And because if you've been through any prolonged period of stress. in childhood or later on in adulthood, you know, like what we're going through, what we've gone through, then your brain has probably gotten your body, your central nervous system has gotten used to secreting that, cocktail

so in order to retrain your central nervous system and your brain,   📍 it has to start with your thoughts because the thoughts are the eight tracks that your brain has,  made all habit, And so every time that you replay an old. Tape an old eight track, you have the option to incorporate your higher thinking, your prefrontal cortex and say,   📍 wait a second.

Is that the story? Not even. Is that true though? You can say, is this really true for me?  Is this really what's hap what happened back then? And is it still happening now? No, it's not happening now. Cool. Let's make a new story. So you can write then and there. Take over. Be the curator of your past.

Present and your future by deciding to retell it. Don't take your past events and the stories, the eight tracks that you're playing as fact, and that's how you need to always tell them. For instance, like for me, you know, the Brian Guy broke my arm. I mean, he kicked it into two, you know, and had to have surgery and all the things.

I could tell that story in one way. Where he was an awful, ugly whatever to me,  And I could have that story affect me from the time that I told it back then to each time that I retell it. In today's world, I could enter a stress response thinking about that time when he did it. I mean, I could go back and replay the events in my head and think, what an awful monster, but what is that gonna do, but only haunt me in my today and forward,  Instead. I choose to be the hero of that story. So I don't tell it from the perspective of what a evil I was being attacked, and I.  Sort of the brain won't perceive it as that you were then being attacked. It's like, I am being attacked. So that's gonna have an effect on you now and moving forward and how you approach each and every relationship that you get into from here on out, romantic relationships.

And now of course, then other relationships. I'm talking about me really. But if this is you, you know, if you've got a similar story and you're continuing to retell it from like, almost like present tense about your past. With the same facts as you're reliving it, right? You're re-traumatizing yourself each and every time you do it.

 I don't have to take those facts.

Use them against me, just like for you, your story, or you could decide to not even tell that story at all.  Which by the way, that story that I just right there tell told you. There was only, I think one other time that I've actually fully told that and that was with you guys on here. Ever think about that stuff?

Except I will say with my arm, I still have to coach myself when I knock it on something and it hurts on what I'm making that mean for me, you know? But otherwise I don't tell those stories. And I, most of the time forget all the stuff that really happened.

Um, unless some reminder, you know, some old, my brain starts to decides to randomly grab some old eight track due to some sort of, uh, environmental, Reminder. I hear a song or whatever, but otherwise I choose not tell those stories because they don't need to be important for me.

They don't need to be like the markers like you look back on your life and look at back on your situation of alienation. So long as you're not going back to court. Like if you need those things on recall for you to go back to court and do whatever, then there's a way to do that. I'm not talking about that here,   📍 📍 but look at the,, timeline of events that you retell yourself or like the little mile markers if you will, that stick out about your past, like the monumental events that have happened. 

What are those, are they stories of defeat and of suffering or are they stories of growth? overcoming, mean, it's the easiest thing to do is go, okay, what am I telling myself about my past right now?

And the first thing that pops up in your head, go into that story and reconstruct that for yourself. Each one of them,

you know. 

If you're not ready to take on the higher ground story or the story of growth unicorns and puppy dog tails and rainbows and all that, you don't have to take that. But instead of saying life is over, it'll never get better from here.

, maybe just ask yourself,  but what if? What if it does get better from here? What if my child and I do reconnect at some point?  What if I grow like crazy and completely, Outdo all of my expectations of myself. What if I could come through this, bring myself through this, and surprise myself, surprise everybody, What would that say about me in the end? That I'm  not only a survivor, but I'm a badass. You know what if I'm a badass? We already know the answer to that.

You know that you are, you're sitting here It doesn't matter where you are in your story. If you are dealing with somebody standing in between you and your child and you're still here standing and wanting to listen to a, podcast with the intention to heal your life, you already are a badass.

You've already come through so much.  The courage and the, um, audacity that you've already displayed to bring yourself through this far. You're not a number like I used to think about,

like statistics,

Oh statistics say and whatever. I don't wanna be a statistic. I wanna be the exception, So don't compare your life to others or what you think is possible for you or what. If it looks bleak right now and you're just not sure, it's the unknown and you're going to all the, you know, worst case scenarios, just   📍 what if, what if There's no scenario that's even possible for me to imagine is my end result.

Like, what if , it's so good that I can't, it doesn't even make sense Can't even fathom it because it's that good. What if.  What's the downside to, thinking about it that way?

What could be the worst consequences for you to believe that maybe, maybe. Something better than I could ever have dreamed of. Could come out of. This will come out of this. What's the drawback to that? I don't see any, The only reason why we don't do that for ourselves, why we don't look to our future dream, you know, is because we think we don't wanna be disappointed. We better just set our expectations low. And you know that if you've listened to any of the episodes that I used to share that same, and I still work on that for myself, um, view, like I just need to set my standards low and my expectations low so I don't disappoint myself.

But really, what's the disappointment? You've already come through so much, so much that you never thought you would ever be able to come through, so what's the downside to trying, the real failure is you not trying at all. the active failures of trying and going and dreaming and, and, and believing in yourself and your child and the, your union and that   📍 your bond can never be broken, ever be broken no matter what they do. How deep the, Brainwashing or alienation abuse runs, y'all's bond can never be broken,  and that is why you're, the alienator knows that, and that is why their efforts continue is because they know that that is a constant fear for them.

They know that y'all's bond is never, it's unbreakable.

Like, I don't know if you've ever asked yourself like, gosh, why can't they just stop? They've already won. You know how many times I used to ask that to myself? All the time? Aren't they satisfied? They've gotten everything that they want, they've taken everything from me.

They have my child, they have my money, they have, stripped me dry. Why do they keep coming at me?  This is why they know that y'all's bond is unbreakable. because also it is genuine, it's real, it's authentic. They know that you have the capacity to, connect on a level that maybe they can't.

So just know that. That needs to always be in your back pocket, not as a judgment and a better than thing, but just trust in y'all's bond You are interwoven into the fabric of your child or children's, each one of your children's being.

Not only is your DNA interwoven into each cell inside of them, but also all of that time you spent with them before this all happened. All of those little moments that you share come out in their daily interactions with the world. the way that they stand or put their hand on their hip or. Talk their, their accent or however they carry themselves, facial expressions.

It all shines through, , you can never be removed from your child at a cellular level, it runs deep. So just keep remembering that. Don't tell yourself stories like that. I've lost my child forever that I. Nothing good can come from all of this disaster that we've all been through.

It's not true. It doesn't have to be true. Anyway. Okay, so that's all I have for you guys. Um, I hope you have a lovely week and I'll see you next week.

Okay.

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