What's Holding You Back? How To Reignite Your Ambition for Alienated Parents

What's Holding You Back? How To Reignite Your Ambition for Alienated Parents

Introduction

Welcome to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, where we tackle the complexities of alienation and strive to empower parents who navigate through these challenging waters. In today's exploration, we delve into what might be holding you back from reigniting your ambition and reaching your goals, particularly as it pertains to parents estranged or alienated from their children.

Understanding What's Holding You Back

As we've discussed in previous episodes, prolonged periods of life stress and unprocessed trauma can form a pattern where your brain convinces you to avoid perceived dangers. These so-called "habit brains" can become obstacles. However, there's good news: the barriers you face are largely self-imposed, stemming from unexamined and rogue thoughts that appear factual but are actually optional narratives. Recognizing these thoughts as non-factual is crucial to overcoming the inertia that holds you back.

Setting Meaningful Goals Post-Alienation

It's universal for humans to require a target—without it, life can feel meaningless, especially when you're already struggling with alienation. Post-alienation, it's paramount to cultivate goals that go beyond recovering past familial bonds. While reuniting with your children can provide profound happiness, ensure it’s not your sole focus. A deeper, longer-lasting satisfaction emerges from diverse, fulfilling goals. So, set your gaze on new ambitions and aspire to goals that cultivate personal growth beyond your current status.

Navigating Obstacles and Burnout

Addressing the understandable burnouts that come from trying circumstances such as litigation for custody, it's imperative to tune your mindset towards resilience and tenacity. Sometimes, the anxiety around these endeavors stems from erecting unnecessary psychological barriers—telling yourself that you need more time, skills, or knowledge. Redirect your focus to practical steps, rather than obstacles. Streamline your strategies, whether it’s learning court protocols or honing new skills, and cultivate a belief in your capacity to effect change.

The Journey Over the Destination

Reflecting on my personal journey, I recall how obsessive focus on end results can overshadow the value of the journey itself. During my early forays into fitness competitions, I was initially consumed by the competition day. Yet, it was the preparatory weeks that transformed me, unacknowledged at the time but appreciated in hindsight. The true reward lay not in stepping on stage but in the daily dedication, discipline, and transformation.

Similarly, in overcoming alienation, power resides in the ongoing journey of self-betterment rather than simply achieving a distant outcome. In this context, resilience becomes an essential ally. It allows you to withstand and recover from setbacks, maintaining focus on your direction and execution rather than the timing set by others, such as court decisions or external validations.

Overcoming Mental Blocks and Guilt

Let's talk about the guilt of dreaming while being alienated from your child. Many parents might feel that aspirations become indulgences, and thus neglect their personal growth. It’s vital, however, to continue to aspire and pursue dreams—not despite your circumstances but because of them. Empower yourself by cultivating dreams that enhance your path to reunion, equipping you with the emotional and mental fortitude needed for such complex challenges.

Remember, alienation doesn’t strip you of your right to future aspirations and fulfillment. Rather, it can teach invaluable lessons, pushing you to be stronger than before. As you navigate through each phase, focus on cultivating resilience, refining skills, and nurturing a growth-oriented mindset.

Conclusion

In essence, overcoming what holds you back involves a profound shift in perception. Recognize the rogue thoughts for what they are, and redirect your mental focus toward actionable goals. Invest in the journey itself, embracing each developmental step as part of a broader path toward fulfillment. By doing so, you're not just waiting for circumstances to change but are actively redefining your course while bringing substance and meaning to your life. Let's not forget, the journey is where the magic happens.

Join our Facebook group for support and share your journey with others who understand. Remember, you're not alone, and together, we can reignite our ambitions and traverse this path toward healing and transformation.

Episode Transcript 

You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 110. Stay tuned.

Hey you guys, what is going on? It is a gloomy day here in south central Florida. Um, it's been off and on sort of raining all day and has me in like a la di da mood

I'm not on the ball as I would like to be. So I decided I'm just going to record my podcast episode for this week, get myself on the ball. And on top of that, we're going to be talking about what's holding you back.

What is holding you back from succeeding or getting the thing, whatever that thing is in front of you done attaining the goal, this came up for a lot of reasons. I think this is just an area that, um, when we've gone through,

prolonged periods of dis ease in our lives and we're still carrying some unprocessed trauma, it is highly likely that you have also got a habit brain that likes to convince you to stay out of danger Right, right. We've established that in many of the other episodes previous to this one. But today, we're going to talk about what it takes, , for you to not hold yourself back and Basically how to get there, how to get your goals done,

so I'm going to answer the question that the basic, the main question was holding you back right off the bat, but telling you anything that you feel held back from Any, any goal that you have for yourself, the reason that you're not working towards it is a direct result of the unexamined rogue thoughts that you and beliefs that you have bouncing around up in your brain that you don't recognize.

as optional because you're believing them to be fact. Does that make sense? So I'm going to say that again. They're unexamined rogue thoughts and beliefs that you have bouncing around up in your head that you don't recognize as optional. Because you're believing them to be fact. That is what's holding you back.

Guaranteed. I don't care what we're talking about. You could say, yeah, but Shelby, no, it's really the alienating person. It's really the courts. It's really whatever, whatever. Okay. I understand that those are, um, barriers, right?

But what's holding you back from taking action is guaranteed thoughts that you have going on in your brain,

so right now, I want you to like, think about whatever goals that you have ahead of you. Um, and if you don't have goals, and you're coming from this tragedy of alienation, Then you're likely just trying to survive, and you will feel burned out, you will feel,

easily frazzled, and like you're striving, right? So we, as humans, all of us, need a target to be working toward at all times. Or else we're going to end up feeling like we have a meaningless life. And then we add in our situations of alienation on top of it, and meaning has been taken out of our lives in the way that we're looking at it.

Then we're like it's like a double whammy, right? And then we're like, we really have no meaning. We have no identity. We have no purpose that we're working towards. So I think

more than ever after alienation happens, it's so important that we do have goals that we're working towards.

I can almost hear there's I could probably almost guarantee there's 80 percent of you out there thinking, well, I do have a goal. Once I get my children back, I will be happy, my life will be grand and I can die happy because I'll have everything I ever wanted. That's all I ever wanted was to have my kids.

And that's what's going to make me happy. And I'm telling you right now that I, yes, of course, that would make me happy. That would make all of you happy to have our children home when we would have reasons to. Feel at peace, That the world is right again, but I can guarantee you that that will not cause you to be happy for the rest of your life.

In fact, I. I don't mean to be negative here, but I would venture to say that that would last for a short period of time. As far as your, um, all over happiness, you know what I'm saying? You may be happy always with your kid, right? And feel grateful that they're home and that y'all are connecting and what have you.

But for you as a person, you are not going to feel fulfilled. If that was your only goal and now you're done, I can die now. You know, I have my kid home. We have to be working towards a goal. But here's the thing, is that, because our mind is fixated always on whatever goal that we are, we want to attain, like, for me, Back in the day, The first 📍 figure competition I ever did. I know that most, the likelihood of you guys also being fitness competitors is low, I get it, but take it and use it, apply it to whatever goal that you've had in your past, right?

So, the first competition I ever did. I was so excited to get on stage and compete, right? And I had this amazing trainer and nutritionist I was scared shitless of her. She did such a great job keeping me in line. She held me accountable and was the perfect person for the job because I was scared of her.

So every Friday, me and my daughter would show up at her, Office at her gym, basically, and she would measure me and do all the things that I would always stay in line because I was so scared of the look on her face whenever, um, you know, I showed up with my daughter there. She was so sweet. So I don't know why I was so scared, but she just she had that effect on me. But the whole time getting ready for this 15 weeks, it took for me to get ready for my first comp. Um, I was doing all the steps to turn myself into this different version of me physically, I had been in fitness for years and years, but I'd never ever Committed myself to this eating plan and this, , level of workout before ever,

my lifting schedule and stuff. And so, doing it, I really had to, one, I had to, in the beginning, believe, That it was possible for me to do this there to believe that it might be possible and to

had to stay on track on target with my attitude and with my actions on an everyday on a really on an hourly basis with regard to my intake of food. I was on a very strict, very, it was a planned diet and I also had a toddler at the time. So it could have been very easy to sneak bites of mac and cheese and what have you just because.

So there's a lot of prep to go in, 15 weeks of , rigorous training for my first comp ever. And 15 weeks. during it was a long time. This is always how it goes with time, right? During my training felt like an eternity, but then the day came I was competing in

 

two

different brackets, right? And so, although it was an all day, all evening event, it flew by. And then after that competition was over, Everything was just back to normal everyday life. and about a week after the event had passed,  I entered into my first ever long standing depression.   I stayed in that for about a year. And the crazy part is, is I didn't even know I was depressed. For most of that time. In fact, I don't even know that I knew I was depressed until after I was coming out of the depression.

The reason I hit that depression is because there was all this buildup , the event came and went. I spent 15 weeks of day in, day out, eating, sleeping, thinking, dreaming. about this competition for it to all just go away, in the matter of, a few hours.

, I can remember working up to the event, thinking, I just can't wait to afterwards be able to say that I did it to be able to say I've accomplished it. I had the, willpower and the stamina and, uh, drive and the belief in myself and the courage to go through with it and get myself up on stage, even though I'd never done it before.

To me, that was like the end. I was so excited. I just wanted to be done with the competition. But once I got there. It was one of the biggest depressions, well, the second biggest depression of my life. The only two depressions of my life really was this depression And you guys know about the second one, but I was convinced that once I got that one competition under my belt, that I would be happy. That would be an chapter of the book I could close and I could keep moving on with my life. But then I didn't have anything to work towards.

And I ended up, kind of checking out. Without even like, uh, on a unconscious level, I checked out of my, my, my life, really. I mean, not with my daughter, because that was always first and foremost, but with all the other things with my clients, because it was personal training and, , teaching classes back then.

That's really when my burnout began. Was after my first competition. And then years later, I went back in thinking the problem was, that I didn't keep up with the competition. So then I went and did another competition and another competition. And those weren't nearly as fulfilling as the training was in the first one.

And this was my first lesson into really consciously putting together that it's not the day of the competition that's so important, not only for your results, but for like It's the journey, right? It's not reaching the summit. That's the greatness, But we're always fixing our, our gaze towards getting done with it. But doing that, you miss out on the, all of the meaning and all of the goodness, that first 15 weeks was fantastic for me because it was new. I was really committed and I was down to do anything. I was wishing away all of my experience because I just wanted to get to afterwards. Then when I got to afterwards, I didn't realize I was missing all of the stuff Because I wasn't fully fully present for it when I had it.

 

But right now you feel like you are unmotivated or are lacking, purpose, Your life feels less than you would like it to feel. then I just want to let you know,

Because we have so many different kinds of listeners, like I have some parents that are actively in litigation right looking to get regain custody some of them that just have recently regained custody back other parents who are dripping love grandparents listening and I also have some alienated kids listening to so there's The gamut of you. regardless of what is going on with the situation of alienation and your contact with your kid, your child, your grandchild, however, 

it's so important for you to get clear on what you're working towards at any given time,  like at any given time throughout the year, , if you want to feel your best then you should  always be working towards a goal,

Giving your all to one or two main things in your life,  the last week of the week before, , in one of the recent episodes, I was talking about quitting ahead of time, Giving up ahead of time. this theme, is definitely applicable here because We will often

talk ourselves out of doing the things that would make us the happiest to achieve, reach back out to your child or, start a blog, we will talk ourselves out ahead of time saying that we're not ready. actually, earlier today, somebody messaged me that very thing. Oh, I thought it was just when I think I'm ready, I'm not. I always think that I'm ready to start and then that something else comes up and I realize that I'm just so behind , the game here.

I'm not ready to, to begin my journey or I'm not ready to begin advocating for other parents,  I hear this all the time, you guys.  I was just talking about it. Um, in the Facebook group, I believe that was in the Facebook group another parent was talking about going and telling their story, ?

And they were like, Oh yeah, but I just don't know how my story's going to turn out. So I just need to wait. And again, I'm not, um, I'm not giving that parent crap. It's just a good example to use. Like we think that we need things to happen in order for us to start making moves towards the goals that we have for ourselves.

Let me tell you,  when you think this way, you will stay in a place of inaction until you die.  You will never get anywhere because there will always be something that needs to happen before you can go and do the thing. That's what your brain does. It does it really well, and it sounds really convincing.

It'll sound like it's a fact, like it's absolutely impossible for you to start the thing or attain your goal or even try because of whatever, extenuating circumstance because somebody else is already doing it better You don't have the skill or the knowledge or the confidence or the, wherewithal to get it done.

Your brain will tell you that you're not healthy enough mentally, that you're not, committed enough, that you're not confident enough, not smart enough, it will tell you whatever it needs to tell you to keep you in stagnation because in stagnation You don't have to grow I know you guys have heard me say this a million times over but in order for you to get past that and like get to The good stuff of life, you've got to move through, manage your mind around those thoughts or beliefs that you have that are holding you back,

So there's nothing wrong with the fact that your brain tries to talk you out of death. Doing the things that you know are going to make you the most happy. Right? There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, if that's what's happening with you, and you have a brain that's been convincing you to not do the thing, then just congratulate yourself because  you have a working human brain. 

It's okay. That's actually what you need to overcome to get to the place where , you want to get to.  This is your work.  Is to learn how to manage your mind around these kinds of thoughts. , it's so crazy how it will trick us and distract us,  gaslight us  In order to keep us Doing nothing so that it doesn't have to do anything, but that's the thing that's actually  not doing anything is what's going to keep you miserable and feeling trapped in your life, feeling like your life is meaningless. 

That is normal your brain's going to come up with all these things, and you can just think it for itself. input. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. But we're going to go ahead and try to do the thing. Anyway, I'm going to be audacious enough to believe that it could be possible that I could achieve ABC.

So just calling your primitive brain out when it wants to keep you, locked in your house, watching Netflix, doing whatever, drinking wine, , telling you that you're not good enough. You're not smart enough.

, you don't have the resources, the money, the whatever, whatever. It's okay. It's going to tell you that  just know it and keep going.  So you can't succeed at doing anything new if you don't believe that it might be possible. Right? Now, the other thing is, if you have been trying, you've got goals, right? You're not, Sitting still and listening to his rival brain. You have goals and you've been trying and trying to achieve these goals But you keep like running your head up against a wall and it's just not working and it feels like you're forcing it And you don't know what else to do but Most of you really still wants to do The thing right like for instance if you are trying to get your kids back, right?

maybe you're going back to court you're representing yourself. it's frustrating and it's exhausting and you don't know how to enter the pleadings or you don't know how to enter evidence and you, there's just seems like there's a lot of work ahead for you. And you are wanting to talk yourself out of doing it because you're telling yourself that you're trying your best, but your best just isn't good enough because they keep winning. 

don't quit because you think that you can't do it.  So what I mean, is if you feel Completely like burnt out and you're like, I just can't do it. It's just too hard. There's just no way my best will never be enough. Then I want you before you quit, or if you have temporarily quit, but you kind of know, like when you're using your prefrontal that you want to find out if you could do it, which by the way, I just.

want to put a little birdie in your ear that if you keep having that but what if I can guarantee you you can do it. It's just a matter of managing your mind around some areas. So ask yourself okay, is my best not good enough? My best hasn't been good enough yet because Why?

Like ask yourself why your best isn't good enough because a lot of times what we'll do is we'll just be like, it's just not good enough. I just can't. I've been trying, been trying as hard as I can and everything I try. It just doesn't work. And we feel like done, right?

And defeated. that's the case for you,  please, please, please, please don't ever just quit.  Okay, because there's other steps you can take if you're doing your best, you're doing your absolute best, which by the way, everybody at all times is really doing our best in that moment. It's just that oftentimes we can do better without even realizing it until we do realize it.

Okay. But if you're doing your best, what about your best isn't cutting it. Like,  why isn't your best working?  And the answer to that question, will provide you with the steps that you need to take in order for your best to be enough, in order for you to keep going.

Okay? So, why isn't your best enough? If we're talking about representing yourself in court or something like that. Listen, let me just tell you that I have never actually myself in court. So I'm just hypothetically talking maybe talking out of my ass. I'm not sure. But it doesn't matter.

These steps can actually apply to anything that we're talking about on the face of the earth. I'm just picking that one. Cause I just brought it up very relatable, if you're representing yourself in court and you feel like I can't do this because I just don't have time I don't know how to do a, B, and C.

I don't know how to. Present evidence. I don't know how to, speak in court and, get my point across to the judge and whoever, those right there are your direction for what you need to do next. Those reasons are exactly what you need to figure out how to do.

It's your manual for what's next. You don't know how to do this. Okay. Well, you can figure it out guaranteed.  chat. GPT, how to present evidence and family court in Illinois.  And then you learn, right.  You've become the person that knows how to present evidence in family court in Illinois. 

there are simple steps that you can take, but when we just accept that we're just not good enough,   we end up quitting   we hang our heads and we're like, Oh, well, our best isn't good enough. Some people are just better than us.

 

That's not ever, ever really the case.

If it's a skill that you need to develop, you can just develop that skill. And then you have to manage your mind around getting, attaining that skill, right? You have like a compelling reason that you want to do the goal. You have to get clear on that. Now, it may not be about going back to court. It may be about, you know, running a marathon or whatever.

Why is it that you want to do the thing? You need to get really clear on that why, because that why is what will compel you to keep following through and develop skill like if we're talking about doing an Ironman marathon, whatever, You know, just like my fitness competitions, there is a rigorous workout schedule ahead of you. If you're getting ready to compete in Ironman, there are weeks and weeks of training involved in swim, bike, run, at the end of it, no matter what,  you will be a different person than when you started out  because you've gone through all of this extra training, right? 

You have showed up for yourself in a different way than you ever have before.  So when you simplify it like that, like a lot of times with things like court or , money goals is another one that a lot of us, if we have baggage around money, like I just did an episode about that recently unprocessed or unresolved trauma or, issues around going back to court because we feel like we're going to be put into a stress response. We're going to complicate the whole process. So much and it's going to feel overwhelming and like it's impossible. I just don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed.

There's just so much. I have to basically become a lawyer to do this. And I just don't have the time or the energy. I don't know which way is up or what to do next. But when you simplify it and take away the trauma, drama ask yourself, why isn't my best? good enough. Why is it that other people are succeeding here?

Not to compare yourself, but

 

It can be done.  Other people have represented themselves and what is it that I'm not doing that's not measuring up? where do I need to get better? I don't know how to present evidence. I don't know how to speak to a judge.

I don't know how to whatever. Great. A, B, C, things you need to do. Then you have to be constantly looking at your attitude around the goal. Okay. If you're telling yourself that you're not going to be able to do it and you're doubting yourself and look, everybody else can do it, but I know I can't because I don't have the skill or I'm just so far behind everybody else and blah, blah, blah.

I just don't have the time or I don't whatever. That's when you have to recheck in with your commitment. If you're telling yourself that you don't have the time. And if you're doubting yourself, doubting your ability, you have to go back to your belief. do I dare to believe that it might be possible?

If it is, then let's lean in to the belief and not get stuck in the doubt.  You cannot have a journey that is filled with doubt and disbelief of yourself every day be downing yourself. And I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.

I suck, blah, blah, blah. And then expect to actually get the goal arrive at success and like, no, you can't.  So you have to manage your mind in your attitude. , around how you're trying to change yourself, how you're trying to change , your world, your life, right? I think all of us were, we go through the situation of alienation for different reasons, right?

I, again, please know that when I say this, I know that, Sometimes I don't articulate it the way that I intend to. And sometimes it can be off putting I don't mean that this is some penance that you're, that each of us is paying and that this was meant to happen because you were supposed to learn a lesson.

I mean that. Everything in life happens, I believe for us in one way or another. And we don't see that until way later sometimes, right? Like how, because of this tragedy, you turned into this person that was so much, more empathetic and, maybe, you became a leader through it, maybe you became someone that was, more confident and sure of.

Who you are as a result of this tragedy happening, right? So I do believe that  no matter what happens to us in our lives, happens for us.  It just doesn't always reveal itself, And it's different reasons for all of us. I mean, maybe some of us share the same reasons, but it's unique, Like for me that because my identity was wrapped up in my daughter so Much my only goals. Well, I did have 📍 the figure competition goal, and then I lost myself after that because I didn't really have My identity and at right around that same time 📍 as the figure competition is when my daughter started going over to her father's.

He had a step up plan back in those days. And he, she started going over to her father's house on Wednesday nights. Right as like I had the competition, it all fell in the same week. That, she advanced to going over to her dad's house on Wednesday nights and every other Saturday or something like that.

And so, I felt like I was losing myself, who I was, all in one big race. Right. And I wasn't managing my mind at the time. But for me, my identity was, was wrapped up in her. And before that, I didn't know who I was. I was just bouncing around. Having her really helped to ground me, at least in her. And my, um, belief that I was, you know, I was here on this earth for something my devotion I had never been devoted to any body any being any anything the way I was to her like I've never known something so sure in my life until I had my daughter and then when all of a sudden that was in question my motherhood my ability to mother my safety and all that was in question boy did it rock my world.

I You know, because I basically just three years before that, had her bore her. And, um. Developed and was continuing to develop this,

Foundation in her, which now looking back I know that that wasn't the solid foundation I truly today actually want and need,  Where I would love to have my daughter home, but she is not the foundation  back then I wasn't aware,

you know what I'm saying? Okay.

But so for me, I believe all of this happened so that I could develop me from the ground up, Develop who I was, , stronger than I ever was  and that I am. 

But I needed it all to fall apart, So in order to achieve the goal of you need skill, your attitude, commitment, right? We talked about those three, um, and resilience. For each goal that we go for,  let me just say this.  It's not like just after the alienation one for me, when I was, learning how to Put Humpty Dumpty back together again. You know what I'm saying? It's not just then that I needed to develop, skill, look at my attitude, my commitment, my resilience. I need to do that each time I. set out for a new goal.

Each time that I start on something new, I need to look at my levels of where's my skill going for this goal, where's the gap? How do I bridge the gap between my best now and my what my best needs to be? How can my best become Better than what it currently is that I think is the challenge for all of us at any given time throughout our lives if we just quit when we were like, oh, I did my best that my best just isn't good enough.

I'm just going to have to move on to something else. That's basically like. picking up your toys and going home. And so instead, a better, more uplevel question would be, what are the steps that I need to take to become better so that my best is way up here and not where I am right now, which is life.

Right. And no matter what we're doing in any new task, we're going to have to practice, practice, practice in order to push the threshold up right now I'm thinking about back to fitness. um, , your anaerobic threshold. If you guys are into fitness, then you might know what I'm talking about, but like when you are doing any sort of HIIT workout or you're wanting to increase your cardiovascular fitness, there's a point at which your workouts.

become anaerobic where you're breathless, where you can't say more than two or three words, right? And so in the beginning of any fitness regimen, like, let's say you've been sedentary for a while, you have to it's a good idea anyway to find out where your 80 is where your anaerobic threshold is at what heart rate

does your body start to, not take an oxygen. Right. And so just depending on your age, like, for me, for a long time, I don't actually know what it is. I just guesstimate now, but it was at 173, right at 173 is where I became breathless and started to burn more sugar than fat, basically, then the I worked out the more I did hit workouts and, practiced.

Trained to up my anaerobic threshold. The higher my anaerobic threshold came. So then I didn't hit my AT until I was at 179. And then it was 180. It's the same thing with any goal that you're trying to attain.

I do like the Arabic threshold example, because it's something that you can't just make change.

It requires your diligence. It requires your commitment

with daily, sometimes twice daily efforts, In order to push that threshold up, your body doesn't just conform because you thought it right. Not to say that that doesn't happen sometimes. And I think when that does, that's freaking amazing and take advantage of it. I'm just saying that achieving the goal of changing something like that is going to take, it's going to take time.

It's going to take time. Consistency. And so, be real about that. And your resilience is so important in order for you to get there, the definition of resilience is the ability, where is it, capacity to withstand or recover quickly from difficulties, toughness, And so

With the AT example, there will be times where I do a HIIT workout and I'm not feeling my best and I might be like We'll forget it. This is never going to work. I'm already feeling breathless at one 53 heart rate, right? This is never going to work. I'm going backwards and I could choose to actually not, uh, embody resilience in that moment.

And I could give in to survival brain to primitive brain. Who's telling me that I'm behind the ball, that I am, at everybody else. They can do it, but I can't, I'm stressing myself out. So I should give myself rest. And this goal isn't the right goal for me because my best isn't good enough. I could do that, right?

But that would be  giving up on myself ahead of time for lack of belief of what I can do.  We could also talk about this with your situations of alienation,  Having resilience is so fucking important. In our shoes,  every single one of us, resilience is, one of the most valuable skills, tools that you can learn and practice for yourself in this situation of alienation, especially when you're dipping love even when you're not, because  things are never happening at the speed we would like them to happen. 

When it comes to our situations of alienation, whether that's when your children are going to realize that this was all a sham or when the courts are going to decide to review your case nobody's ever going to be doing it on our timing. Our timing was, you know, years ago or yesterday.

in order for you to play the long game. And. Succeed, create meaning in your life during the journey On the journey of getting to your goal of having your kids come home. you've got to build, resilience in your everyday life with the way that you're thinking about your kids,

where you're placing your direction, your focus with regard to your goals. If your goals are, , I'm waiting for my kid to finally realize that the other parent's been lying to them. That's kind of a low quality And I know that we've talked about that before, but you're not stepping in your own power and placing the focus on the things that you can control right now.

And you will always feel burnt out because your kid is never realizing soon enough. make your goals attainable for you to measure based on your actions, your thoughts, your beliefs, Your emotions. So having resilience is key to attaining any of the goals and the biggest one being, living a life of meaning during this whole alienation thing, 

it's the journey.  When I was talking about going on stage, it was that 15 week journey that I wasn't paying attention to the whole time because I was focused on the end and the end came and went like

a blow of the wind. It was there and gone. And then I was left in a year long depression after that, because I wasn't appreciating that 15 week journey of the person, the woman that I was becoming during that whole time in order to get myself on stage. so much. I mean, I still became that woman and now I appreciate that journey.

But back in that time, I wasn't going through it. I just wanted to get to the place where I could say that I did it. But then I was missing out on all of that goodness, all of that character building, all of that muscle building, all of that, mental strength, endurance. resilience that I was creating for myself by not taking the bites of mac and cheese.

Although I will tell you, there were a few times where I did it, I would always try to get my trainer to tell me that I could have some sort of hard candy. Can I just have a One of those root beer barrels? Can I just have one of those? Shoot. I'd say you could have Tums.

Oh God, it was terrible. Looking back on that now, I can laugh and see all the goodness that was, I was creating during that time too, you know, even through the chaos, there was a lot of chaos going on with my daughter's father and that whole situation and, and at the same time, She and I, our Fridays going to my trainer, we would spend, I would teach classes in the morning, take my daughter with me.

I would teach eight and nine o'clock classes. And then I would go to see my trainer with my daughter. And then her and I would spend the entire day every Friday. Um, 📍 going to paint pottery or whatever, you know, we would go see the movies or we would go, you know, just picnicking or doing whatever that was like our day to go really have, um, you know, just an amazing time me and my little toddler transit around Austin was amazing, but so there was a lot of beauty back in those days and also during a time of intense Ongoing traumatic events that were happening, it was bittersweet. Anyway, just don't let your brain, those rogue thoughts in your mind, convince you not to go and do the thing. I don't care what the goal is that you have ahead of you. Pick one. Whether it's, you know, to go run a 5k, represent yourself, for your child in court, to go get a new job, like the dream job that you've always wanted to start a blog, maybe it's to, , start a side gig.

Advocating for other alienated parents, for alienated children, who knows, start a non profit, , 501c3, whatever, it's the attaining, it's the, all of the work and the journey in attaining the goal, getting to the final product. That is where all the good stuff is though. Not in getting there. I promise you this. It's who you're becoming in the process of getting to that goal. Always after you, when you get the goal, especially if you've been doing the work to believe in yourself, you will already, it will feel like, of course I got the goal because I've already become that person already

I've already believed in myself enough and done all the work to close bridge those gaps. That I was experiencing in the beginning when I didn't have the skill, I didn't have the commitment, I didn't know how to follow through all that stuff. Now I have all that stuff. So of course I attained the goal,

so again, this can be in any area of your life, but don't complicate very simple tasks of you completing goals because of your rogue thoughts. don't let your head stop you from trying to get your dreams and don't guilt yourself for having dreams, even though you're alienated from your child Okay, please Please don't do that to yourself.

You deserve to also to dream, and work towards those dreams, especially because you're alienated from your child.

All right, you guys. Have a lovely week. Okay. Um, you know, I'm still live on in the Facebook group on Fridays at Noon 30, I think I started doing it or maybe it's 1215 check below cause I'll have the actual real times there. Um, and I'm going to start doing Tik TOK lives again, too. I just, um, I want to pick a different time because for our Thursdays, 8 p. m. or whatever I was doing was way too late. I'm asleep by eight Or at least in bed by eight This time of the year. All right, you guys I love you all. I will see you next week Okay,