Silently Suffering? Social & Emotional Connection as an Alienated Parent

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 76 stay tuned welcome to Beyond The High Road a podcast dedicated to Healing your heart and life following the grief of alienation I'm your host Shelby Milford a twice certified life coach with an advanced certification and post-traumatic growth and grief using proven Concepts based heavily in neuroscience and psychology I developed my own playbook for reintegrating with life and reframing my role as my daughter's mother even while living apart I went from feeling agonized helpless and directionless to feeling energized confident and most importantly at peace today I get to help other

parents like you to do the same stay

tuned hey guys so I just wanted to take a moment to thank Jess very much for your review this last week I actually just um decided to make a quick new segment Jess's review said I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for sharing your experience with the trauma loss and ambiguous grief of Parental alienation on your latest episode when you shared your experience of paying child support to your ex who had totally inequitable salary worth than you girl same I will never understand understand how our family court system continues to fail so many families anyway thank you for your vulnerability support and encouragement I appreciate you respectfully Jess so I just wanted to

say thank you so much for that review the very kind and thoughtful review um thank you since I can't find that little blurb that I recorded a couple weeks ago I wanted to say a quick thank you to back's mama and she said Shelby's able to voice the unbearable questions and gives guidance by living her life ahead of mine she brings us with her without leaving us behind and letting us know she remembers what it was like and is still living in real time the pain of Al alienation without hiding her vulnerability I hope this makes sense yes it absolutely does I'm less alone and feel a bit less crazy and desperate and that's a lot more than before thanks I have chills reading that one

that's the one that put me in tears a couple weeks ago um because it that's what movie is that from that's exactly what I was going for that is that's exactly exactly to a te what I I'm I'm I'm hoping to provide for you guys is to let you know that I I've been there and it does get better right and that I always last week's episode I know that I had some followers that didn't follow me anymore I think after last week's episode and that's okay but what I wanted to say was that I wanted to go to a place that signifies and represented me not being out of touch with where each one of you it currently is or has been I know all of us are on a different part of our own path and some

are right in the beginning some are in the middle some of it's been years and you've been healing and healing and so I want to always try to remain in touch with each phase that I went through as well you know so that it's relatable so anyway I just wanted to say thank you for the both of those and then also the person that left this review is some Roman numerals with a two and a one in here and a v like a five so I'm going to just leave it you know who you are the title of it is A1 and so I found this podcast only a few weeks after looking and looking searching false accusations and parental alienation in that short time Shelby's topics and the manner in which She lays it out have become an

invaluable resource that I look forward to listening on my two from work thank you Shelby for your strength and courage bless you your listeners and so yeah I just wanted to take time and read those out to everybody because you took the time and to go through the Apple podcast which is a pain in the butt and try to find the review thing and took the time to write this very thought F and kind words so I really really really appreciate you and hopefully with each one of those reviews and all of the other ones that we've had in the past that were astounding each and every one of them there's 10 reviews in all and each one of these are just so beautifully thoughtfully um from the

heart written so thank you to all of you that have done that and now I'll shut up and get on to the episode okay hi you guys how are we doing today um today we are going to be talking about social isolation yes but more are you reaching out are you advocating for yourself in the times that you need it so earlier this morning I was writing a lesson for the new course I'm going to be offering and I was talking about disenfranchise grief which I've done an episode on that in the past so I was talking about disenfranchise grief and once alienation happens our role as parents I don't want to say changes completely because I know that there are some of you out there who are still

actively parenting your children but your role as a parent is in question we all experience to one degree or another some form of isolation of alienation not just from our children because your role as parent may not be as participatory as it once was then your role in most of the areas in your community maybe you spent time hanging out with your children's friends parents while your children were playing and now you're not going to the park at lunchtime with the kids and with the moms or the dads or maybe you were a sports coach for your kids' teams that's not happening right now or maybe you feel less welcome at those places you were once maybe on a first name basis with the teachers and

the administration at school and now not so much they're suddenly have made themselves less accessible to you and are keeping you a bit at Arms Reach so by Nature already just because your role might have shifted slightly or maybe a lot in your child's life then all of these other roles that are related to it also change right and so we feel more and more isolated this is before we even talk about the alienator does their thing and campaigns against you to the community maybe it affects your roles with your family your job there are so many different areas that this can infiltrate and I don't mean to sound negative when I say this I hope in the end it's going to give you some steps to

take and some positivity and some clarification for maybe what you might be experiencing and not been able to put words to so all your roles are in question or have been shifted suddenly we feel like we have nobody to really turn to what do we do with our time and who do we talk to about all of the emotions that are associated with grief right and the trauma the trauma that we've been holding and so I always encourage parents that come to me to if they haven't already go see a counselor right to deal with whatever trauma you've been holding on to from the experiences that have gone on it is so so important for us as human beings to feel understood by somebody anybody and

even if we don't feel completely understood to know that we have support people in our Corner these things are so healing and if we don't have them it can hinder our our growth or the possibility for post-traumatic growth I'm sure I've shared with you guys about the neuropeptide tachin that our brains secrete after any sort of prolonged isolation and by prolonged after I think a period of 48 hours it's more not necessarily like if you're just alone by yourself but if you feel lonely if you feel unsupported right and what tacky kinden does is its effects because of the way it I'm not going to get all into the weeds because I would do a shitty job at explaining it and I don't think

it would do you guys a service to try but you guys can look it up basically it interacts with your body to cause you to feel heightened amounts of paranoia insecurity anger and fear it makes that magnified and that's why you hear about like elderly people who have some cognitive decline that have been living by themselves they're like angry and paranoid and conspiracy theory and feel like people are about to get them this is why no matter what age we are our body can start secreting this neuropeptide the more that we produce and secrete and the more alone We Are The More Lonely we feel for the longer periods of time the chances get much much higher for early onset cognitive

decline and so again I don't mean to I don't want to tell you this to try and scare you I think it's just information that is really good to have when we're making choices about whether we want to sit home alone on a Friday night when we have the option to go do something with people that no one love us oh that's right attack two could happen I am so comfortable with where I'm at right now and this you know it seems like the easier way out it would just be to sit at home and watch Netflix and just whatever whatever but remind yourself too that it may not be the best option for you I can picture myself back in the day when push came to shv and it was like okay I can either go and hang out

with people and answer the questions from the Neighbors about how things are going for me you know with normal people people that weren't experiencing anything like this or didn't know um the easier answer and the path of least resistance would have been to stay at home keep isolating and not put myself out there right and just know when I say this that I'm not ever going to go to the place where I'm like yeah tell all your neighbors and Friends what's going on with you put yourself in a vulnerable space doesn't matter if they judge you and you feel hurt I going say that at all but we get so comfortable with choosing to stay home especially after the pandemic for all of the world who's

not going through alienation right I think we've got we've really become a sort of antisocial Society we've really all settled into our own which I loved back in the day because it gave me an excuse to not socialize like I loved the pandemic I was talking about that my mom was in town this last weekend how I was like the pandemic came and I was like yes I mean obviously not for the deaths that happened and covid but the excuse to stay locked inside and isolated it was at that time really when I was emerging from my depression but still it gave me that extra buffer of time to really you know get myself together and move forward I love being locked down at the time I was in Texas and we really

went through a lockdown I don't know maybe that's just was my interpretation maybe other states were worse but anyway it seemed to be like we really had curfews and stuff like that and it honestly didn't change my life one bit because remember I was the hermit on the hill already so this was like oh good now everybody's forced to be like me I'm not the Pariah but anyway neither here nor there we have all gotten very comfortable with retreating to our home and not stepping out not making the effort to reach out to loved ones or ask for help when we need it this is a big one asking for help for those of us that have gone through something is traumatic and heartbreaking debilitating all the

things that alienation is um is so difficult for us not all of us I mean some of you I was actually writing to somebody the other day another alienated mom you're either the kind that goes down and you immediately go outward and you need to talk it out reach out and you need to find other people that have gone through this right or you go Inward and you isolate completely where I once thought that I was an extrovert and that the first option would have been my route I in fact did not do that I went completely Inward and isolated more and I know that a lot of you out there have done the same and are doing the same you have shut the doors down closed up shop and you don't want to

tell anybody because the people that you have told have either disappointed you or taken the information and in your mind betrayed you or breached the trust or whatever so you just decided to you know eyes to the floor keep going and hope and pray that you get through this and to the other side and by the time that you do share this information you've already healed from it everything will be fine right but the problem with that is you hold yourself back in so many of the areas that count in order to heal your heart and your mind really but emotionally you must have this human connection we are creatures that are we yearn to be understood the easy way out would be to stay inside watch Netflix

again each Friday night in your sweat open up a bottle of wine and isolate right self isolate alienation seemingly threatens most of our basic needs your financial needs having a roof over your head putting food on your table in your belly maybe your job is in Jeopardy because of the effects of alienation maybe you're not showing up to work as brigh eyed and bushy tailed as you once did maybe your ex is sending emails to your boss maybe you're spending so much time in court you're having to represent yourself so your attention's going to that so it affects your livelihood how much money is going out to the attorneys and to the court system evaluators and

psyche vows it is financially exhausting exhaustive and then it affects your own children and so your safety feels like it is in Jeopardy and it actually could be as well because we're coming from many of us coming from a very abusive situations so we are in this place where we're like emergency emergency trauma response is like in continual prolonged activation reaching out is one of like the last things on our mind although We crave it so much in fact I think that there are studies out there that show don't quote me on this but I'm almost positive studies that show that the brain activity that happens from when a person is feeling lonely maybe they did this on

mice is almost identical to a person or a mouse in this case who is hungry and searching for food the the effects of loneliness on the brain are essentially the same thing is going starving right you cannot survive without food your brain does the exact same thing when it comes to loneliness isolation so it would make sense that given the information I gave you before that because all of your basic needs are being threatened that you would put your your self-care your social life on the back burner but I want to challenge you to think about this a little differently your social life doesn't mean that you have to be going out to bars and hooping it up different that it's not the same

thing your social life or your moral support your social support your close family the need to feel understood the need to be understood it should be very high on the totem pole when it comes to your hierarchy of needs like what you should take care of first when you're looking at the areas of self-care like how can I advocate for myself today speaking to somebody that you love feeling love like for somebody and compassion on an everyday basis is very very important even if in small doses getting on the phone with your mom if that's you know what it is for today call calling texting a friend reach out is what I'm saying it's super important so like I said the tendency is to put

the social life on the back burner and also because we've gone through so much and maybe do feel unsupported by the very people that we would be turning to we clam up we throw up the walls and we choose feeling betrayed or bothered by them the negative emotions and the negative experience of them over the possible benefits the possible pluses it's always a choice and I'm not saying compromise yourself by any means but a lot of times I think that our brains because it's in survival mode will want to tell you don't talk to that person they betrayed you they did this the other person oh no not them your brain wants to keep you like I was talking about in a recent episode keep you

locked up in your little cave in your comfort zone and it wants to keep you away from having to exert energy and put yourself out there get vulnerable by connecting with others but this is the very thing that will actually make you very very sick keep you from furthering your healing so don't listen to your brain in the times where it's sort of being the bully and the negative influence on you learning discernment asking yourself questions about the excuses that your brain gives you automatically oh no don't talk to them they did that thing and they were to us so we don't like them anymore let's shut them out we become so defensive with that tattoo and feeling

paranoid anxious and stay away from me you're bad you're bad you're bad what we end up doing is pushing ourselves so far away from all of the support that then we're on an island and we've got nobody again I'm not stressing or suggesting that anybody go compromise your values in order to just be with people not at all I'm just saying question the excuses that or the arguments that your brain tries to provide for you in the moments when you think about reaching out to that person maybe the fact that they didn't call you back on blah blah blah occasion doesn't have to be such an offense that we aren't speaking to them anymore pick your battles if you don't don't have anybody that you feel like

you can be supported by and also support that is a very important element here so somebody can lean on you that also brings us and I was talking about this recently the sense of purpose doing service work for others service work for those that we love and maybe people that we don't know at all right like in a soup kitchen or a women's shelter even like an animal rescue right all providing meaning to other living beings so first and foremost feeling like that you can share with somebody but also to the reciprocal side of things is a close second and then of course if you're like me you inherited a menagerie of animals while you were going through all of your

stuff the animals of course are also a very good option but are not enough you need the human connection for your healing as I'm sure you guys know there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely I can feel entirely supported sitting in this house right doing my work by myself I can feel supported and not lonely or I could be in a crowd of people smack dab in the center of that crowd of people and feel painfully lonely there's a difference one way we're opening up and have chosen to trust and rely on others and the other way we've closed everybody out okay so just because you're amongst people does not mean that you have connected and I think that this is a

very important point because so many of us are like oh well let we'll just go out we'll go out and have drinks with people I went out with people I've been social this is so big for you and I People Like Us oh I went out I socialized I was fine I was just out with the whole gang from work last week I was just this that whatever right but did you feel known seen amongst those people did you feel valued and heard and if not I'm not saying that that's their fault I'm saying that not it's nobody's fault but it's on you when we've come from something like this because all of those basic needs have been at risk and threatened we get into that like I was starting to talk

about before we get into that extended prolonged trauma response we get into a mindset of victimization without even realizing it please know that I'm not like calling you nobody likes to be told that they have a victim mindset but I think it's impossible for you not to at some point in your victimhood in this alienation predicament it's almost impossible that you wouldn't because you have been a victim you are a victim still so being in a victim mindset would be understandable but when we're there in that mindset and sometimes often most of the time not knowing that we're there and you'll know you're there when you're telling yourself you can't do something

because of the alienation our brains so easily dismiss any possible options any possible actions or Avenues to take we shut ourselves down from seeing what's next or where we can make a move because we're in that place of I I can't make any moves they've blocked me in every which way right and so you want to throw your hands up and be like there's nothing I can do there's nothing I can do nobody wants stay hang out with me I don't want to have to go explain my situation they're going to judge me they're going to betray my trust they're going to go and tell the alienator this I have nobody I can hang out with and I'm right it is very very easy to slip into that without even realizing

you'll notice because you here you are alone you haven't reached out to anybody you haven't thought of ways to connect with whoever in your life and again you don't have to share with these people what is actually going on on with you down to every Last Detail but you can share the basic emotions that are going on you know I'm going through something really tough right now and I'm not ready to share all of it with you but just know that I feel alone and I just want somebody to sit next to me are you that person you know most people feel delighted to have somebody be that open with them simple I don't want you to solve my problems I really don't I just want you to sit with me watch a movie

with me how about we go shopping together it it can look all different ways but if you just get down to like the nucks and bolts of it let's just hang out we we can talk about whatever I know I did talk about this in a in an episode maybe back in the 50s 50 maybe four 55 and I can't remember um so that would have been back in like August September September or October but I I'm not sure I'm sure it's a different take than it is today my point is that if you are not in out this is your friendly and loving reminder to do so take a little inventory of yourself when was the last time you were hanging out with somebody that you felt understood or seen by when was the last

time you picked up the phone and initiated a conversation with somebody when was the last time that you reached out just to tell somebody you love them just to tell somebody maybe you don't agree with them but she really appreciated who they are a good way to gauge is like what what if the world was ending tomorrow who would you be like why didn't I reach out to them sooner why have I waited this long was this Grudge that important was my pride more important than me not connecting with them every day since whenever you stop talking with them if there's any squabbles that you might have been in since this whole alienation thing began are they worth it and are you ready to

to put it in the past would the pros of reconnecting with them outweigh the pros of not do you know what I'm saying I guess what I'm saying is is just assess your social emotional support and wellness area and if you're not reaching out please do it and ask for help you guys please I see too many of us parents who are hurting so much and not just saying hey I'm hurting would somebody just sit with me even through a screen I just want to like be here you don't to say a word but I just want to connect with another human this is so important and you know if you're like feeling misunderstood or not heard at all there are so many of us out there speaking of if you're not a member of the private

Facebook group unjoined this is what that's there for just to feel heard and supported and loved and knowing that somebody is there to lift you up yeah you don't have to go through this alone by Nature this is a very isolating situation Dynamic that we are enduring but we don't have to do it alone just because the person who's alienating from your kids from you wants that for you doesn't mean that you actually have to fall in line there is help there is love there is support always for you it may not always be in the way that we want it or we think we need it but open up your mind to the possibility of maybe maybe what's out there is better than you could ever have expected or dreamed up

do you know what I'm saying there is so much support and love I know that I have for each and every one of you so whether it's that you're reaching out to another alienated parent or you're reaching out to your own family members or you're volunteering your time at a animal shelter get yourself out there and connecting with others feel seen feel heard put yourself out there enough to be seen to be heard okay that's all I have for you guys today have a lovely one this Friday noon in the private Facebook group I will be doing another live event there and um you guys I'm going to be announcing the launch of the new course coming up I believe it's going to be sometime in

April and it's so good you guys I've been writing and recording and doing all the things pretty much every day for the last little while so um I'm really excited it's basically going to be a survival guide course Community for all of us going through what we're going through I've written like basically like a book in there and so it's my Ode to us to you and to me and to every alienated parent out there it gives you all the tools that you need to heal and I'm going to be doing it in phases too actually I took this this guidance from one of the current members of the healing reinvention program you know that I've actually closed the doors on for current until we I do open up this

course but they suggested that I do like phases like stages and I love this idea so there'll be like a stage one when you're still needing to get out all of your Grievances and the anger and upset that you might have at the person alienating your kids from you and maybe even your children too um and then there's a phase two and possibly a phase three I haven't worked that one out yet but it's basically beginner and intermediate phases to the course and so anyway that's all I'll share with you now but it's coming up very soon I just bit my tongue I'm looking forward to seeing you all there and other than that that's all I have for you you guys have a lovely lovely rest of your week okay

thanks so much for listening today if you like what you're hearing and you'd like to hear more please make sure to click subscribe wherever you're listening or watching also for bite-sized clips and tips be sure to find me on Tik Tok or Instagram see you next

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