The Science of a Freak-Out (& How to Stop It) for Alienated Parents

But when your PFC connections are pruned, the volume knob is effectively ripped the off. It completely changes a person's personality, your my personality in daily life. This is why you can't just think your way out of anxiety or trauma. When you are disregulated, the machinery required for logic is physically like actually shortcircuited. It is imperative that you learn how to build internal safety because you cannot rely on external circumstances to provide it. You are listening to the Beyond the High Road podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 199. Welcome to Beyond [music] the High Road, a podcast dedicated to healing your heart and life following the grief

of alienation. I'm your host, Shelby [music] Melford, a twice certified life coach specializing in post-traumatic growth. If you're experiencing [music] the effects of alienation and you're ready to heal, then this show is my love letter, G. [music] Stay tuned. Hey y'all, what's up? So, um, we are going to be talking today. I'm going to go through right now the my agenda for today. Um, and then we'll get started. I don't even I don't have it titled yet, but some things came up this weekend that all sort of fit together in a way that I think would be really useful for those of you who seem maybe you know that your nervous system is disregulated or maybe it's just that you know that it takes a

long time for you to come from up here like a an event happens and you get you're aroused and not in the pleasant way, right? Um, in a stress response and then it feels like it's hard to talk yourself off of a ledge, you know. Um, so I'm going to be talking about that today and then how to actually fix it. So, let me go through I haven't collected my thoughts, but I just kind of made a a quick pretty well actually not such a quick outline, but an outline. So, I'm going to tell you a story, okay? Um, a personal story about my own situation. And then we're going to talk about a client's story briefly. And then I'm going to talk about the science behind the freak out. Okay? And

then, well, I'm going to use a couple different metaphors actually that maybe will help me to picture what's happening with you on the inside. I think that that can be really helpful. I know it was for me back in the day because now I've effectively and you'll hear in the episode trained myself out of the freak out having that stay in an extended spot. I've done that. I don't know. It's been years now. And I'll go into that more later. But so we'll go to the science behind the freakout. And then we're going to talk about the long-term effects of a disregulated nervous system on parents like our us, you know, with an ongoing traumatic events that are going on or

just an ongoing um I'm trying to think of the right word to describe this, but I guess maybe an unrest for you if you are still wanting, aching, needing your child to come home or for things to settle down, you know, and so we're going to talk about the not the the long-term effects and then of course how to rebuild. Pardon how I look today recording you guys. I just was doing the prep and I thought I have some free time right now. I don't know if I'm going to get the whole thing recorded in one sitting. In fact, I have a pretty good idea that I'm going to have to do this the second part of this tomorrow. But that's neither here nor there for you. I just wanted to

get this started because the story is fresh in my mind right now. So, this past weekend on Sunday, I got a text from a friend of mine back in Texas who she is one of the ones, if you guys have been a longtime listeners, I know that I've mentioned there were two people that really stood by me throughout all of it. Our kids are um six days apart, their birthdays, and so we spent a lot of time together, her and I, our two kids, for um the first couple years of their lives. And then as they got older, they went to different schools and whatever. And so they were just basically um acquaintances. Barely, if that, they kind of knew of each other, but didn't really spend any time together. And then

in more recent years, um, back when I was still there, my daughter would get Snapchats from him and they kind of knew each other just through groups, even though they were kind of far away from each other. Anyway, they didn't spend that much time together, but I remember her and I, my friend, and I used to always think about how cool would that be if they ever got together later on in life, you know? So, she had text me this weekend and sent me a picture of my daughter that was taken the night before. So, this is Sunday. That was Saturday night. Was actually of my daughter and her son and her son sent it to her. And so initially, of course, I was over the moon because I haven't seen

a picture that wasn't like I haven't seen a photo of her that wasn't like on Instagram or Tik Tok, any of that. In fact, none of even those in none of social media anytime recently. Um, and those two social media is a bit different. This was very candid and it was I don't know. I was over the moon. I was so excited to see her. She's just so darn beautiful and um she was relaxed as opposed to posing, you know. So, it was just a I felt like it was right right there with her, you know. That's what I It just was a overwhelming amazing feeling. and knowing that she was at least for this night. Who knows how often they they do hang out, but at least that that she's in touch with him,

my friend's son, uh gives me I don't want to say hope, but it's very reassuring because he was from a a household who supports her and my relationship, you know. Anyway, so I was all in all I was thrilled to get this. Then upon looking a little closer at the photo, like I said, she's just breathtakingly beautiful and she's just I love that she's got I love all of it. But it the other part of my brain said, "Okay, this photo was taken at 1:00 a.m." Which she's 19 of this is beyond expected, right? Of course, she's gonna be up out late, especially in the summertime and what have you. This is just what kids do, young adults do. But also, her eyes were red. And I mean, I don't want to,

if I'm speculating, I should say I do know that look, what appears to be that look. It's very difficult to tell from one photo, you know, but from my own personal experience, I kind of know that look from my own earlier days, you know, who knows what was going on, you know, and what they were doing. I don't know that it's helpful for me to speculate and to wonder, but that's the whole point of this episode. So, the where my brain wanted to go was that there is some concern about how she's coping, right? if she's coping. I mean, she's obviously coping somehow, you know, but what's happening with her? Like, even if she is using something or drinking or whatever it is, I I actually

don't blame her if this is the case. Again, I don't even know. But like, I wouldn't blame her because first off, it's what she's seen. It's what she's known, you know, what's been in her environment. But also, it's understandable given what's gone on for her. She's always kind of internalized her emotions. So, a substance, if this is even the case, is the one accessible and also socially acceptable way to set her emotions free, right? In the short term anyway, it feels like a relief of your emotions, right? At that age, I don't know that I would have known any. It's just like, oh, let's just go decompress. Let's let it all out and then she could be herself. I don't

again, you know that I'm I'm only I maybe right now I'm saying this because in the case that she ever did see this, which I doubt, but you never know. I don't want to think the worst or I don't even think that this is a bad or good or better or worse situation, but I don't want to assume things that I don't know about, you know? So, I get it. if she was to be using something, I mean would make sense why. But I also know from my own personal experience again how substances can work to do the exact opposite of setting your emotions free of letting go of stuff and decompressing, right? They can substances can help somebody as you guys probably know very well to bury your

emotions, right? to bury the real the core of the emotions. And also substances can work to harden perceptions. And so for me, that last part too um was kind of sticky in my mind the other day because of course as parents going through this, we don't want anything impeding or like blocking possible pathways back home, if you will. You know, and I feel like substances, if that's the route that somebody takes, I'll speak from my own experience when I was using alcohol, whatever you name it, other drugs to numb myself and push it away, it only, and you guys have heard me talk about this before, it only causes you to tolerate the intolerable in your life. And so it sort of hardens

I almost want to say like puts barriers like uh rocks in the way of these pathways that were once open to connection and all the things. You get my drift? Oh, and let me just say too, I also found out in the text conversation with my friend that she's not going to the out of state school that she was this past year. That was her freshman year. She's not doing that. at this year and she's actually going to a fantastic school um in Texas which I'm so excited about. But that also means that she will be the imshment could continue because she will be very close to home you know and so that was another like ding up in my mind like these little baby red flags

if you will. At no time have I gone down the hole, the rabbit holes of either one of these and gone like freak out, right? But I'm going to talk about that here in a second because I'm actually going to now that I've set the stage and you know what's going on with me. I Well, maybe I'll ask you first. I want you to mentally put yourself in a similar scenario. And I know that you guys have all had those scenarios come up for you just depending on where you're at in the how old your kids are and what they're going through and how much contact you currently have. There's some some similar scenario that you can put yourself in in your own life. Like think about how you would feel if you saw the

photo, right? Or a similar photo like that or if you open an unexpected text message from your child or from your ex. What is your immediate reaction is what I really want you to be thinking about throughout this episode actually. Like where does your mind go when you get some piece of information like put in front of you? Do you feel a sudden drop in your stomach? Does your brain instantly start spinning some massive terrifying story about how it's the beginning of the end? You know what goes on with you? Do you start compiling this long text or message with explanation, all the points, bullet points, and are you consumed for the rest of the day? What? No matter what happens, really, I

just if that does, I want you to know right off the bat that you know that this reaction is not you. It's not something that's set in stone for you. It's a conditioned trauma response. It's something that your body has learned how to do and you can unlearn it too. And that's what we're going to talk about towards the end. But in order for you to understand why your brain actually automatically jumps to the catastrophic conclusions and you stay in that heightened state of fight, flight, freeze, maybe even two, we have to look at the physical, I call it the male sorder that's inside your head. We've talked about this before, but it's been a long time ago. And I'm going to

explain it differently today. Um, with a little bit more detail, but also a little bit more leaning into the metaphors as well to help you understand because I think that it it can really in the moment help you to normalize it so that you don't have a story on top of your story like you get to freak out. Something happens, emotional happens for you, right? I don't know, was it the right wording? But you know what I'm saying. Um, you get an ugly text from some from your kiddo or from your ex and you immediately go into this and beginning the end. Oh my gosh, it's all over. I'm never going to see my kid again or whatever it is for you, right? And then a lot of times what will happen

is then because you are offline basically then you will start judging yourself about being offline about the fact that you always jump to conclusions or that this is oh you always get this way and you can't calm down and then you can't focus on other stuff. It's this big thing. You have a story about the story. It creates so much more suffering for you. And so that's why I think it's important to know what I'm getting ready to tell tell you. But before I go into all the science, I want to give you another story, quick one. Um, and basically I'm just backing up a little bit. So that was Sunday that that happened for me, right? So we're going to scoot to Saturday. So a client of

mine right now, she is getting ready for an upcoming hearing and it's in September. And you know how when you've just entered a lawsuit and how long they can take anyway, but responses start coming in from the other party, whether sometimes it's in the form of interrogatories or depositions or other kinds of statements. In this case, for her it was a declaration, okay, that came from her ex, right? She opened the document and she almost instantly got triggered by just a few words that her ex wrote. Just a few words, a partial part of the story, right? Her brain immediately manufactured another story that now he's gonna win because he always gets to tell his side. And he

tells it so convincing and his only goal goal in life is to hurt her and she'll never have her relationship with the kids. She's got three kids with her kids ever as a result of his doing. How many of you have had a similar thought process go on? Maybe that's a full-on narrative belief for you right now that it's like the second that you see them in action, you're like, "Oh god, this is it. I'm over. It's done." Because they're so convincing and they're so poised and whatever. Whatever it is, right? Like she went, now I'm back to my client. She went all the way to it's all over. I will never see any of them again. Now her kids are young, right? Two of them are very young adults and

then one of them's not I mean barely in high school, you know. So I guess what I want to say here is like yes, so she went to this full spin out, right? She was really hurting. Of course, you know, when you're feeling that it's awful. We've all felt that. But what I want to say you guys is that I don't mean to make it sound like that it's preposterous that she went there, right? This is it makes complete sense that she would go there given the history and the trauma response that's happening. It's a it's a physical response it's happening within the bo and physiological response that's happening inside the body that you have no control of until you know how to have control of it. [laughter]

But naturally otherwise you would not. Your body is performing exactly how it's supposed to or exactly how you might have and the conditions around you have taught it to. It's it's you're basically what I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with you. This is not a weakness. Your body is actually being very efficient or so it thinks. The other day going to go back to our phone conversation. The other day I finished coaching her through what was going on for her and she said, "I want to ask you a personal question. Is that okay?" I was like, "Of course, go ahead." She said, "Do you ever freak out and like spiral about your daughter? Is it ever like a thing for you?" And I was like,

you know, really, honestly, not anymore. Not at all. It's been some a few years pro. It's been a while. She's like, "How how is it that you're doing that? How do you not freak out anymore? Has it just been so long?" I said, "No, it's not about that. It's because I trained my brain. I literally brainwashed myself to think differently and to master emotional regulation when it comes, especially when it comes to her. You know, the funny thing is, guys, when it comes to some other things that go on in my daily life, like dumb things, those things I have sometimes a harder time with than anything that happen happens with my daughter because mo for the most part with my daughter, I did so much

work on retraining those pathways because it was such a pain point for so long. I mean, it was miserable. Those of you who heard my story and listened throughout all the episodes, you know how much pain, in fact, I did a lot of processing in the early days through in this during this podcast. I was crying like every other episode, you know, and also I now today know the info that I'm going to be giving you today. Like one about the brain's tendency to sort of jump to conclusions when it senses danger, right? So I don't freak out anymore because I stopped believing half the crap that it offers me. I mean, even though I know too that the things that it's offering me, even the freakout

stuff, it's doing it to try to protect me, but it just actually isn't, you know? So there's the part of it that I learned how to and basically rerouted information to did this a long time ago. learned how to manage my mind around those the things like I was talking about earlier with wow she's got red eyes or now she's going to be imshed because she's still going to be whipping towards you know very close to home those kinds of things where normally I would send into a whole day of spinning out I stopped doing that a long time ago because of what I'm going to share with you so now I want to give you guys the science behind the freak out okay so if going from spinning out as soon as you

see a an email or whatever happens and new information comes in for you. Going from freaking out for 3 days and then finally settling down and then probably having a hangover from that freak out like a emotional hangover and then finally getting back on track. I want to help you to shorten that time of the freak out so that you can go from basically where my client is right now to where I am today. Not that you have to model everything after me, but a similar version for you where the information comes in and you can sort it immediately because nothing is going offline and then you can choose the story that you want to keep. It's very efficient, very clean and you can move

forward. But in order to you have to know science. All right. So think of it like this. There is a male sorder. That's what I like to call it. That is dead in the center of your brain. It's like actually in the center of your emotional brain. And it's called the phalamus. Okay. Every single thing that you see, you hear, or that you experience goes through the sorder first. Its job is to take the data that it's been given, right? Like if it's something that you see, it comes in through the retina and then its responsibility actually one of its many responsibilities is to sort that information and then send it down to different delivery routes. I like to envision it like you know those

pneumatic tubes that either at the bank or at the pharmacy that you use those tubes that you send into the chute and it sends information over to the clerk or whoever's on the other side. That's how I like to envision the thalmus sending messages. It immediately the thalmus will immediately make copies of whatever information that it takes in the email that you see, the photo that I saw, the document that my client was reading, and shoots data capsules down both pneumatic tubes at the same time. The first two is basically a high-speed express tube, right? It's a direct line to your amydala. Both your amigdula both of them. Okay. In neuroscience, this tube is officially called the low

road. It's a very raw. The information inside this capsule is a very raw, blurry, lowresolution. This is how I like to think of it capsule that is fired instantly. It's lightning fast because it has no stops to make. Before you can even consciously recognize what the text says, like my client the other day, she read just a little bit of the the blurb of what her ex-husband wrote. The capsule arrived and triggered her heart rate spike, right? Her chest to tighten, her stomach to drop, and all the conclusions to start coming, right? Danger, danger. It's like going into like what is that like Mach five danger alert alert shit's gone going down. So that was the low road. Now then there's

the scenic route. That's what I'm calling it anyway. And this is officially known as the high road in neuroscience is known as the high road. Okay. So at the same time that the lowresolution um capsule was fired off right straight to the amydala also another capsule gets sent off to your visual cortex right through your oxipital. And so this too takes longer because it has to analyze the grammar the context the history do all that stuff and sort the when and the where out. Okay then its final destination it's got to go all the way up to your prefrontal cortex. So, it's got more stops to make. It has a bigger job to do that capsule. All right? And so, basically what I'm saying here is

that the way that I'm picturing it in my mind is that you have these two capsules. One's going straight to the amydala. The other one has to go this long route from all the way to the back down to the occipital all the way back up to the prefrontal cortex. It's like a race. Basically, the race is on. an irregulated brain. The fast tube, the the one that goes to the amydala, triggers a brief splash of adrenaline. A split second later, the high definition capsule arrives at the PFC or arrives at your prefrontal cortex, your iron thinking. There is where all of a sudden now it applies logic and says, "Wait, we can handle this. We can do whatever. Stay calm." Shutting the freak out down

effectively, right? And that's where I was the other day and have been about the information that came in to to me on Sunday, right? About the photo and the red eye, all that stuff, right? It's like, we can handle this. It's all going to be okay. We don't need to go jump to conclusions. But in a disregulated nervous system, and I was there for many years, the moment that that fast capsule hits the amygdala, it panics, okay? and it floods the brain with all of these stress chemicals. That chemical flood that happens there instantly shortcircuits basically the potassium gates in the in the prefrontal cortex. So by the time this slow highdefinition capsule finally arrives at its

destination of the prefrontal cortex, the cortex I like to picture it as in this analogy is like a cog wheel, right? And so that cog wheel is supposed to spin, process data, apply logic, and say, "Hey, relax. It's just a garden host, not a snake, or it's just an email or a document. It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of your relationship." Right? But in a disregulated nervous system, there's been so much cortisol and norepinephrine or adrenaline that's been pumping through your system. those specific cogs like on the cog wheel up in your pre PFC, a lot of those have been worn down over time because an overflow of potassium, which basically is the energy

that your brain needs in order to process that information and be efficient, effective, and logical. Apply the logic. the all of the energy that it needs in order to spin the wheel and actually act as a even each one of the little cogs the neuropathways the energy is all gone it's depleted so it can't it's flooded out basically is what I'm saying so the mechanism of applying any sort of higher thinking in that moment is completely paralyzed it can't spin your cog wheel can't spin it can't process the logic and basically the CEO of your brain of your life is officially offline. Okay? So, it is not your fault and it's not just that you overreact about things

going on in your world. It's that your body has been trained to do this. Like physically, your body it's it's disregulated if this is going on for you. And it's not your fault. Now there are things that you can do to bring it back online >> and that's what the most important this is the most important part of the episode you know is but for actually before we go into that I want to talk about the long-term impact of this because I think it's really important for you guys to know this that if your nervous system stays disregulated it causes physical wear. You know, I thought for a long time that when your system when you flood, I just explained everything I had just explained probably

not as effectively as I wanted to, but anyway, I always thought that it built up plaque inside the brain, but that I was wrong. In fact, I had to go relook this stuff up. I was mixing that with um cognitive decline. So, it doesn't actually leave physical plaque behind, but it causes this wear. So the the cog will remain stuck and the neuropathways kind of stay silent for a while because nothing's able to get up there. It's almost like no oxygen coming to the brain except for it's the opposite of that. But anyway, it's it's not working the way it's supposed to. So the brain eventually begins to prune those cogs, those non-active cogs away, literally breaking down the teeth of the cog,

leaving an empty space there. Right? So that's a neuropathway that is now not working. Okay. This is why you can't just think your way out of anxiety or trauma. When you are disregulated, the machinery required for logic is physically like actually shortcircuited. It's been flooded. So to fix it, you cannot just force the cog to turn like by the way that you're thinking. It can't go from top down. Okay? You have to go bottom up. And I know that I'm sure you guys have heard somebody talk about this if not me that you have to use your body through your breath, sematic movement, felt safety, like you creating safety in your world to snap those potassium gates shut so that you

can restore the lights, the electricity, right, and get the [ __ ] turning again. That's how that's the science behind it. So, I wanted to be real with you guys about this because I don't want to just give you fluff and tell you that this doesn't affect you long term. It does. But I also don't think that you want to add suffering and fear to your world by saying, "Oh, now my brain is [ __ ] and it's I'm not going to be able to get back online." It's not true. I used to be convinced that I that the trauma had damaged my brain to the point where I I was never going to be able to get my memory back, my cognitive ability, which by the way, the last few weeks I have

had I'm back now back online. I've had the worst time with my working memory and trying to get cohesive thoughts out. It was been it was a real [ __ ] for like maybe three weeks or so. probably came through in that uh podcast episodes because just because. But anyway, it's fixable. Okay. I think mine had to do with hormones. We can that's not it's not for today. But what I'm trying to say is that I want to shoot y'all straight. I want to give you guys the real deal here is that when chronic trauma like alienation causes the brain to prune away those dendritic spines or like the cogs like I call them, right? And the PFC, this isn't just an abstract medical concept. Yeah,

>> it is. It completely changes a person's personality, your my personality in daily life. The long-term physical effects look like this. I'm going to give them to you, but there's so much hope afterwards. Okay? Executive dysfunction. So, your executive functions become broken. Okay? The PFC handles decision- making, future planning, and impulse control. But when it is structurally pruned, when it's all cut back because of shortcircuiting, we lose our basically our mental whiteboard or mental computing. We become easily overwhelmed by just simple tasks like organizing legal documents like writing down timelines and doing all that stuff, right? I used to get so

activated doing things like this and I would try to force myself through it. But for the anyway that's another topic again will suffer from severe brain fog okay and experience profound indecisiveness. So I just want you to know that if this is you you're not alone. This is not a disease. I don't think so long as you've been up on all your doctor's appointments. This is this is coming from the trauma coming from the stress. Okay. So, another area that can be affected long term is the loss of your emotional brakes, right? Your hyper reactivity and healthy quote unquote healthy brains, your PFC acts as a volume knob for your amygdala, the fear center. But when your PFC connections

are pruned, the volume knob is effectively ripped the [ __ ] off. [laughter] Okay? So, you might be living in a state of constant hypervigilance, right? A single cold text or a vague email from an attorney or from your ex doesn't just stress you out. It can trigger a fullblown physiological panic attack or depressive on the other side depressive shutdown. Okay? So, don't be shocked when this happens for you because if you're not regulated, which is it's okay. It would make sense that you're not. It's just because of what's been going on inside of you. You were having a physical response long term to this. Okay. Another area that this can affect long term is context blindness is

what I'm calling it. Basically, it's like a time warp that you go into. And I we've talked about this before, but again, it's been a really long time that chronic stress can shrink the hippocampus, right? The hippo campi. I think it's the double is what they're called. Hippocampi, which is your brain's memory indexer. Okay, because the hippocampus and the PFC can no longer talk properly, right? Because the hippo campus, the cog wheels all kind of jacked, the brain loses its ability to put events into context. I still actually have this problem where I have a hard time remembering and I do I used to remember like years really well but in the trauma area like when the whole

thing was going on with my daughter I mix up years I mix up months years all of that it just a whole big fog of a time block for me. So if this happens with you, you know, a trigger that happens basically today, I say trigger, an event that happens today that feels triggering will actually seem like it's exactly the same dangerous and agonizing event that happens years before, like the worst day of your life. If you have a trigger for it now, it can feel like that event's happening all over again. With long-term chronic stress, the brain loses its ability to distinguish past trauma from present reality. All right. So, I'm going to talk about the recovery

timeline now, and then I'm going to give you your actual steps. Okay? So, I'm actually I can't believe it. I'm actually getting through all of this in one sitting. I thought I was going to have to do two recordings. We'll see. So, how long does it take to rebuild? The good news is, as I've been hinting at the whole time, you guys, is that your brain, as I'm sure all of you know, has neuroplasticity, which means that it can heal. The cogs can be rebuilt is what I'm saying. However, neural tissue doesn't grow overnight. So the first two to four weeks after learning how to manage your mind and after just regulating your nervous system you shut the gates that remember

I told you the overflow the potassium channels are just running free and all potassium just leaks out of your the neurons. This initial phase is about changing your chemical environment. Okay. So by using daily sematic practices, breath work, trauma therapies, whether it's EMDR, neuro feedback, whatever, you stop the potassium leak and you lower cortisol. The cogs aren't rebuilt yet. Not by a long shot, right? But your electrical shortcircuiting actually stops. The flood, the dam is back working. You start to get your baseline focus back in the first two to four weeks already. It takes several months of consistent safety and regulation for yourself, creating safety

and regulation for your neurons to physically grow new dendritic branches and synaptic spines. Okay. Around the 90day mark, parents usually report noticeable shift. They can pause before reacting working memory improves, right? And they feel less hollow inside. It's basically at this point at the 3 to six month mark. If we're working with my cog wheel, like I was talking about before, this is the time where you're starting to sprout or bud new teeth. Imagine them like little flower buds coming or little like branch buds. You know, they're just starting or teeth. And then at the 1 to2y year mark basically to fully mature these brand new pathways that are being built and

structurally shrink the overactive amygdala because the amydala will grow. It takes one to two years of sustained lifestyle changes y'all and emotional processing. And this is a phase where basically you're re hardwiring the system. [laughter] Okay? It's this is the phase where the high road transitions from agonizing daily effort to your automatic default setting. And this is why I always suggest the sixmonth path. Like if you're coaching with me or been thinking about coaching, I will always push the sixmonth path over the three-month path. Although that the three-month is always available because I want it to be affordable and accessible for more people. But really

scientifically, it takes a full year at least to rewire, hardwire your brain again. So you must be imshed. Immersed. Immershed is the wrong word. Immerse yourself in with the new way of thinking, the new lifestyle. And once you do that, it does switch. And I've talked about that a lot actually about how it's a grind in the beginning to become aware of your thoughts and to like really acknowledge that they're there. the unhelpful, the self-created suffering thoughts, you know, but it's so necessary because the current narrative that you probably have if you haven't done this work yet is creating so much suffering and um dysregulation like an influx a constant pumping of

cortisol and adrenaline into your system that you don't need that's just creating keeping those gates open. Okay? So all the thoughts, the narrative things you don't even notice going on is going to just restimulate all this. Okay. So here's the thing is that there are brutal obstacles to overcome especially when it comes to us as parents going through what we're going through. Rebuilding your brain while actively enduring alienation comes with rather unique. I would say this is a unique situation and incredibly frustrating obstacles, y'all. I'm going to just be real. It is. There's a lot. I don't want to say there's a lot against you because I don't want that to

be your narrative either. Just the recovery. There is this paradox of having this active war zone, if you will. most of the data out there. This is why it was so hard for me and hard for I'm sure a lot of people whenever I started this whole pathway to get to sitting where I am with you guys talking with you guys right now, you know, is that the scientific data on neuroplastic recovery assumes everything I found out there that the stressor has ended. Somebody returning from war, you've left the abuser, whatever it is, it's that the there's been a stop to it. Right? This is every alienated parents um I don't want to say gripe and make it sound like but grief. This is part of

it, right? It's just it's ongoing alienated parents. We're trying to heal our nervous systems while still actively inside a quote unquote war zone. So, every time a new court date drops or your child rejects you or whatever it is for you, a fresh wave of stress chemicals threaten to blast away the fragile new connections that you've just spent weeks or maybe months trying to build. So, it is imperative that you learn how to build internal safety for yourself because you cannot rely on external circumstances to provide it. Now, this actually reminds me of a conversation that I had, a messaging conversation I had with another client who I won't go into much detail here,

but he was on his way. He lives out of the country and he was on his way by train to go see his kiddo and the train schedule, it was late. It was like over an hour late and all of a sudden now he's faced with, oh my gosh, what's going to happen? And the other parent decided to not make the child available for him even though he was traveling so far. And so she was like, "No, sorry. You missed your time. I'm taking her anyway. It was not even an option to see his daughter anymore because of something he was at the the mercy of, right? The train schedule. It wasn't his fault. It was supposed to Anyway." So what he wrote to me though is that although and I heard the desperation I

could feel the desperation through his first message that he sent to me because he just wanted to see his daughter and I'm sure he felt helpless right but by the second message he said the thing this is teaching me is that I have to create safety basically this is paraphrased I have to create safety for myself because I can't rely on the outside circumstances to give it to me because [ __ ] like this is going to happen all the time. And that is always my message to you guys when I'm speaking with you is to create safety in your world as just assuming that the shit's going to keep going like blowing up. And I don't mean that to instill fear in you or to have you take a negative stance,

but if you can create safety in a world that's going a little crazy and blowing up then and create light like light like a light source, sun [laughter] in your world, rainbows, puppy dog tails, beauty in your world without needing anything external to change. then you've hit the jackpot and you now have become a master at I mean of your destiny and at your emotional regulation you know which is what I had to do okay so that's one thing is the active war paradox number two is that in order to grow new pathways the brain requires a specific growth protein right which is called brain derived neurotropic factor which basically is BDNF okay it acts It's like a miracle grow for neural

[ __ ] these [ __ ] that I've been talking about. Chronic stress, poor sleep, and depression completely tank your BDNF levels, which will effectively put the brain back in a state of neuroplastic bankruptcy. So, the whole takeaway from that is that you cannot think your way out of BDNF bankruptcy. You have to aggressively use tools, physical tools like intense aerobic exercise is one of them, which is why I jump rope every day or and run and do whatever I do. It's huge. Strict sleep hygiene, meaning going to bed and waking up same time frames every day. Super important. And proper nutrition, putting the right foods so that your brain can actually use that food, that

nourishment. This will help to force the brain to manufacture the fertilizer that it needs in order to rebuild. I know this is a lot of the like the boron stuff you guys for some of you anyway, but it I'm telling you this kind of stuff is so important. So, I've got one more challenge to talk about and then we're going to go straight into the reset plane. The third issue that we as alienated parents have is basically our default mode friction. The brain is inherently lazy as you guys know. It wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and be efficient. That's just really what it wants to do. It doesn't want to do, learn, be anything that it already isn't. It prefers well-worn paths. The

hyperreactive survival loop, the low road is a massive four-lane paved highway. I've talked about this before. It's like a super highway for most of us. The new logical path, the high road, is a basically a dirt trail covered in weeds. In fact, I used to talk about it as like if you're walking through the woods, it's the path that isn't a path yet. You have to make the path. It's like you've got weeds and sticker bushes and all the things. Okay. In the beginning, trying to choose the logic over freak out takes an immense exhausting even amount of metabolic energy. Okay, it feels deeply unnatural and completely mechanical at first, which causes many parents to give up

thinking this isn't working. Okay, this is my this is the one thing that especially with my brand new clients like in the first few sessions that's why it's so important that they come weekly to me and don't like do one week and then wait some weeks and then do another one. That's a few clients recently have been doing this and this actually is the worst thing because I know it feels clunky in the beginning and it feels like it the logic that we're applying it feels unnatural and at the same time almost um elementary so it doesn't feel like things are working properly but it is I there's a reason there's a science behind my method and that's why it's so important

to continue on even when it feels clunky. Not this isn't just for my clients. I'm saying that to y'all to you like anybody that's listening, watching or listening to this is that this the the high road if you will or beyond the higher road really um in a different sense than I was talking about last week, right? But this other pathway, the logical pathway, it is like I said, it's exhausting, you know, in the beginning to be aware and acknowledge every single thought that comes up for you. It is the only way that I know sciencebacked way that I know to move yourself from disregulated basically to regulated long term. I mean, this is the lasting way that will serve you for years and years

to come because once you learn it and you re hardwire your system, like the motherboard of your brain, once you've done it, I was just talking about this with like I can't believe I'm going to compare myself or us our brains to puppies. I was just talking about this with training a dog early on. If you train a dog early on, you know, like do all the things you teach them right, then you don't have to worry about it ever really anymore. But if you don't, and if you're just halfway doing it half ass, and you're not consistent, then that dog is going to be a problem for the entire time, and they're probably going to be disregulated, right? It's the same thing with your brain. You

cannot just go in and out like that. You have to do it if you want the lasting change and positive for going positive or negative positive results. You've got to do it from the ground up in a consistent way. All right. So now for the emergency reset, I have I actually had two different ones. I had a three-step quick in the moment one which maybe I should share with you on a different episode I think and I want to give you the emergency reset plan which is four or five steps. What did I break it down to? Four steps. So it's not much longer. So the emergency reset basically when alienation crisis hits or anything that goes on in your life, right? A toxic email, toxic using air quotes for toxic

email, a court threat or painful text or photo comes through from one of your friends of that of your child. Your brain instantly goes into the full potassium leak like we talked about, right? You cannot think your way out of it as discussed also. You must use your body as the circuit breaker to stop the electricity from bleeding out of your brain's logical cogs. So, step one is easy. In fact, I learned this from Hubberman a long time ago, maybe a few years ago. Step one is the physiological sigh. It's basically it's you're going to change the chemistry. What you want to do is you take two I've talked before about taking inhales and exhaling longer than your um inhales. That really does

help. But there's another way too. So you want to take two deep inhales through your nose only through your nose. Okay? So you take a inhale like a you can take a long one at first and when you're at capacity then take another quick deep inhale through your nose, right? to fully fill your lungs up with air and followed by one long slow exhale through your mouth with a sigh. So repeat that two or three times. Basically the science behind this is that this the specific breathing pattern instantly pops open the collapsed air sacks in your lungs. It dumps carbon dioxide and triggers the vagus nerve again to slow down your heart rate within 30 seconds. It does it no matter

what. Okay? It acts as an immediate chemical damper on the stress hormones flooding your brain stem. So it works without fail every time so long as you actually complete it. Okay? Do one deep inhale almost to capacity and then a sharp next tail next inhale and then blow it out deep side. Okay? That's step one. Step two is you can do a peripheral vision expansion. So basically, you're going to disarm the threat system here too. So what to do is you want to pick a single point on the wall directly in front of you. While keeping your eyes locked on that point, consciously relax your eyes and soften your gaze until you can see from the far left and the far right edges of the room in your

peripheral vision. You want to keep your vision wide for 30 seconds. Okay? So the science behind this is that when your brain is in a freakout survival mode, your eyes naturally go laser focus, right? Tunnel vision to track the threat on an email, on a social media post, whatever it is. You go right in. It's like you're wearing horse blinders and you can only see that. So by forcing your eyes and there's also another way to do this. We're not going to cover right to go into the peripheral right mode you actively hack basically open up your autonomic nervous system. Okay. Wide vision physically signals to your brain stem that there is no immediate physical danger which forces the

amygdala to lower its alarm. Step three is hard grounding and sound sourcing. So, you basically want to break the time warp. Okay? Talking about like noticing a trigger happens today and you feel like it's happening like you're all the way back to when it happened the first time, right? So, this one is easy, simple. Well, they all are. Stomp your feet hard into the floor twice to feel the physical impact. Boom. Boom. Okay. Then, close your eyes and identify three distinct sounds in your room in the physical area. Okay. the hum of the fridge, a car outside, the air conditioner, the birds chirping, the wind, whatever it is. Identify with your eyes closed three

distinct sounds. Science with that is as elated appearances trigger instantly drags your brain into an traumatic time warp. Like I was saying, making today feel exactly like your worst nightmare from years ago. The hard physical impact of stomping your feet, right? And auditing your current sounds breaks this loop. It pushes you back into today and forces your sensory networks to report back to you present moment reality back up to your brain, stopping the context blindness and orienting you into the here and now. Last one is the strategic delay. You want to set a physical timer on your phone. I know this is a long one. This is This one's going to be the

the kicker for you guys. Set a physical timer on your phone for 20 minutes. Sit on your hands. Sit on your hands. Like, close your laptop, put your phone in somewhere else, right in another room would be great. Turn it on silent and do absolutely nothing related to the trigger until that timer goes off. Honestly, if you could sit on your hands and let go of whatever story is going on in your mind, that'd be great. Okay. Sing songs, recite poems, jingles from TV, like commercials, doesn't matter what. Rock in a chair, that would be great, you know, or if you've got like one of those like um swings, you know, the little pod swings, whatever. So the science behind is that it takes roughly

20 minutes for your this is important you guys for your liver and your kidneys to clear the initial surge of adrenaline and stress chemicals cortisol from your bloodstream. 20 minutes is what it takes. By forcing the 20 minute delay you prevent yourself from sending a reactive panicked text number one or emails while your cogs are still stuck. You're waiting for those potassium gates that I spoke about to snap shut so that your logical brain can actually assemble a rational response and before forget the assembling the logical rational response. It's so that you can create safety in your world. This is most important. [ __ ] the outside. [ __ ] the response for a

moment. And I know that this 20 minute marker can feel like an eternity when you're telling yourself that it's has things happen to hap h have to happen right now because because we think anytime we're in that state we're like oh my gosh it's I got to get the response out right now. I got to fix this right now. I got to whatever. But you nine times out of 10 y'all it doesn't need to happen as fast as you're saying it does or you're thinking it does in that moment. Okay, 20 minutes mo like like I said nine times out of ten is going to in the end benefit you much more than firing off whatever it is or reacting in the moment. Okay, although it's going to feel like an energy. I know all of this

to say that I want you to know that when the trigger hits today, tomorrow, next week, next month, whenever it is, your brain's processing cog is likely going to jam. That's just biology, y'all. It's not a failure of your character. It's not a weakness. Do not try to type. Do not try to reason. Don't act if you don't absolutely need to in the moment. Instead, in order to regulate yourself and start healing the pathways in your systems inside, step away from whatever it is. Use my little circuit breaker. Four step circuit breaker. reset plan to stop the potassium leak and give your brain the 20 minutes it so desperately needs in order to come back online.

Doing this and all the other things that I really talk about in the episodes, you are essentially rebuilding your brain from the ground up, one choice at a time. Okay, so let me know if you have any questions and I'll see you guys next week. Cheers.