Episode Transcript

 You are listening to the Beyond the High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford, episode number 102. Stay tuned.

 Hey guys, I have three, I said, I said three with holding a two fingers up. I have three quickie announcements. So the first announcement is I am still doing Facebook lives on Fridays at noon. Also, um, I added in a Tik TOK live at 8 PM Eastern time. Um, also the noon was to Eastern time, um, on Tik TOK, Avi.

And then the last one is. Uh, we've decided we meaning me and actually y'all because I went by your votes, everybody that, answered the poll on the website and whatever. the only responses I actually got were for group coaching. So that is going to be how the program is. Format it. as of right now, doors open on October 7th, but y'all here's the very important,

but

 For my email subscribers and also for the private Facebook group. I've already opened pre enrollment. So basically, it's like the early, early bird special. If you pre enrolled now, you're going to get a huge discount off of the price. So it's worked out to be 25 percent off.

 and just so you know you guys I don't I hate talking about money but I also think that it's important for you to know what you're getting but in the end if you're considering this What you're interested in is the result that it creates for you, And if you want to feel better about your life Start thinking thoughts that propel you forward On default and systematically go in and basically rewire your brain, the.

method that I use, has been proven it's back in a ton of neuroscience and it's what, it's the very thing that I used, right? I'm not really bragging on me. I'm more bragging on my schooling. Um, so I just want to let you know that it works. It really, really works. In fact, it works so much that I have a money back guarantee.

Okay. But what I was getting ready to say is that I don't know that you can put a price on. Feeling free from the hell that we've experienced with alienation and that you might still be experiencing, I for sure don't think that you can put a price on that, but I also know that we're dealing with money.

And it's not easy to let go of , any amount of money probably for a lot of you, right? Right now. And I get that a hundred percent. So in comparison, like if you were to go and match this course to somebody else out there, not even somebody of the same caliber schooling as me, but just any coach who went to school or didn't go to school,  this course will be priced at 5k.  

So what I'm offering it at, especially right now with the 25 percent off. Is way, way below that. And, , I also understand that maybe right now money is tight for you. A hundred percent get that and that's why I have priced it so low. I want to make it accessible for everybody that wants it,

I still know that money is hard to let go of and it feels scary, And so, um, that's why I offer the money back guarantee, but, , I also offer a payment plan just know that I do understand how scary it is to commit to something like that. So that's. The payment plan is there. I've got low pay.

You can go to the website and look at it all and see everything that you get. But if you have been wanting to get out of get feel free from the hell that you've been experiencing This course will get you there so long as you're committed to doing the work and that's another thing like the money part of it I think it is important because then you have skin in the game.

You know, when you value something, when you're giving up, sacrificing something of yours the more that you're actually are going to put your effort and time , you're going to invest in it. You're going to invest yourself in it. And that is the whole point of the money exchange, Just with anything, , something like this, I do know it's scary, but the return you will get on it. So long as you, you two are invested, so I'm very excited I'm excited for you guys, all of you that sign up because it's going to be the ride of your life and it's going to change you.

So 500 off. Is the pre enrollment price that you guys get it for a very limited time. I'm not going to offer it at this, at this price anymore. So don't think if I wait longer, longer, it'll go cheaper and cheaper. It's not going to be like that. Okay. So get on it like sooner than later, if you do want it.

 

 But, right now I already opened it, the program for the private Facebook group and for, my subscribers, you know, email subscribers you get now for a very short, limited time.

you sign up for the group coaching program you get an extra 500 off of the program. It's really 25 percent off of the program I have payment plan and I also have a pay in full. I hate talking about money you guys but I just want you to know Because I think it's important that you know, like the value that you're getting just for reference.

And the value you're getting is beyond monetary value, but like if you were to price this course out with another coach, not even a coach of the, of the good schooling that I want. I'm not bragging on me. I'm bragging really on my schooling, but, um, of another coach in any coming from any schooling, if they went to it at all.

This course will be priced at , 5k per person, what you get, you're going to get lifetime access to the group coaching calls. You get so much. So it's really like, I'm giving it away. I mean, I'm not, it's, I understand that it's a, um, and an investment on your side, but I also know too, that investment, when you put that, like What you risk, what you put on the line, then that also it helps to keep you accountable.

And then whatever you already value, you value the money that you're working over for it. You're going to value the You know, the relationship and also you're going to value the content much more and be that much more invested in it because you have, you've got skin in the game, you know what I'm saying?

So anyway, I don't need to talk you into it anymore, but just know that yes, I know it is an investment financially, but what I promise you that in the end that you won't regret it. You know, I know I do know it's an investment and that's why I put payment plan there available for you, okay So that it doesn't feel like so scary to fork out that money all at once if you don't want to I'll put the link for Everything right down below in the show notes.

. It's beyond the high road. com backslash alienated parent survival. Okay. So that's it. I'm very excited to have you guys. It's gonna be so great And then there'll be a community of you guys and you guys get to meet once a week Well, actually really if you're doing like if you're going to the course classes, too It's basically you the first six months, it's twice a week.

and then you get, uh, community boards and you get your own personal course library with all of your dripped content to you, new content dripped weekly, and we have live classes. That's the other thing. So anyway, yep, it's super exciting. I'm very excited for it. Email me with any questions.

 

.  Okay. I'm gonna get on with the episode

now.

 Hello, you guys! Hey, you guys! What is that from? I probably should edit that out. That's, um, Goodies, right? Um, Sloth, right? yeah, Anyway. guys! It seems like it's been a while. you're watching me, you'll see that my eye is all jacked up. Just a word to the wise do at all costs, avoid shampoo in the eyeball.

It is not a fun experience. I am seeing blurry. I wear contacts, so luckily, like the con, my contact actually protected my, you know, the retina, But you cannot, what if you're looking at me right now, what you see is not doing it justice. It is a hot mess.

On the side of my eye. Anyway, yeah clarifying in the eye. Not a good idea Obviously an accident anyway I just wanted to again say how much I appreciate you guys and all of the emails and texts from the clients social media messages Congratulating me us for this, a hundred, episode mark.

. It's been such a ride and I really enjoyed, I was going to say every minute of it, but I want to say almost every minute of it because let's be real. Um, I have a love hate relationship with doing the editing. I, at some point, I really, that is the goal is to actually have somebody doing that for me.

So I could just record and hand it off. But I, I still don't like I'm not ready to delegate. I think if it all came down to it, I would really have to trust whoever does any of the work involving the podcast, because I, it's so special to me. And I know it is to a lot of you out there.

So I just want to say that  thank you again.  And I really do appreciate you guys. So  really appreciate you all of you.  So, and I, I, yeah. Anyway, most of the time when I bring up a topic it as you guys know, I mean, I can at times go from what is written down on my my list. , but most of the time I like to bring you.

Along my ride with me, so it comes in waves. I have been experiencing in the last, probably, you know, it probably happened right around the time, when the 100 mark of this, podcast came.

I'm already feeling myself tearing up, you guys, because I have been going through this wave of grief.

it might be because of like this milestone. It might be because I know you guys were talking about our kids here, but it's also coming up on not even yet, but like the year. That passing of my, my beloved Nita, who, I know she was my pig, but she really, um, I think of it as though, because I got Nita, in order to replace my daughter, even though I know nothing would replace her, my coping mechanism became Nita and so, and if you guys are just started listening, Nita was my pig.

She was my potbelly pig who I had for seven years and then she unexpectedly, like, unexpectedly, um, passed away last October 26th. But anyway, so I got Nita right as all of that turmoil had gone down. I mean, right after my daughter had left my house, you know, living with me. And so I think that I transferred a lot of the everyday habits and love giving on to Nita, and she became like this, my surrogate daughter in a way, I know, again, like, I know that she's a pig, but we do that. Those of you who have pets, you know what I'm talking about, I've been going through these, having, I can't even say going through. Yeah, I'm going through it. But these waves, tidal waves of grief have been

rolling through my daily life for the last couple of few weeks.

So I don't know if it was the anniversary or the, , reaching the mile marker or if it was just this time of year when school is starting back up, and this would be normally when I would, be getting my kiddo ready for the new school year, even at her age, she's going into her senior year of high school.

so I don't know, maybe it's just all of it combined. But I have been experiencing large, long sets of grief waves, over the last couple weeks. And I noticed that at first, I mean, I'm, when I'm saying waves of grief, you guys,  I mean grief,  

almost daily being moved to tears. And not, yes, in, pain and sadness and, uh, feelings of loss of things I wish I could have said or did, um, things that I would say now, especially the things that I know now that I didn't know then, um. You know, like that has been just one sort of after another and after another and, um, I mean, it's okay.

I'm okay with it.   what I want to share with you guys is that , we think that we've gotten enough time built up but I just want to offer that there is no rhyme or reason to grief. into loss of the emotions of loss I believe that as we move through life Little reminders will come up Also, I think the more healed we are the more open we are to experiencing and feeling processing through the deeper Senses of loss that we've been holding on to, and that the nervous system has just been protecting us from, , until, you know, the day that we do experience it.

the human body is an amazing, amazing machine. And, when we're not able to handle so much grief at once, so much, um, loss or anger or whatever the emotion is, many times the body will just cover that up for us. The nervous system will sort of, dull it and put it to the side.

either the body will do that for us. or we will take matters into our own hands, telling ourselves that we're not ready to feel that yet. And so we go numb ourselves with whatever activity of our choosing, so I guess what I want to say today about these grief waves that inevitably do come. And I truly believe that I think that these waves would come. Even if let's say I were to, reconnect with my daughter, I still believe that these grief waves would come because of the grief and loss that I've already felt throughout all the time, and just because we get that somebody back.

It doesn't mean that. You still don't have that grief that you still didn't experience that loss, right? And so for some of those, , in particular, I have some clients that listen to the show that have been reunified with their kiddos, and maybe things are very good with you guys now.

Grief will still be there. And so when we expect that, not make it happen, but we just, when it does, when the tidal waves of grief do come in, , that we just know it's okay.

I found myself even wanting to argue with it the other day. like it's been so long, I've processed through all this stuff. Why am I coming back to this place where I'm still so sad like deep, slow pain, where I found myself on my patio, literally like just on to my knees, not praying, but like in grief, you know, sobbing out of nowhere.

Um, you know, I went outside to, to do something to sweep the patio and boom, in a wave came I found myself a little bit bargaining with it. Yeah. and then I noticed what I was doing and I was like, Oh, right, you know, you know, the deal, like, this isn't a surprise I think the difference between how I handle it today and how I handled it, back when it first was happening and I didn't know anything about grief. most of the time today when I realize if I am bargaining with it, I hold space for myself. I allow myself the space to be, to grieve, to feel sad, to feel angry, to feel whatever it is.

I hold the space, meaning I just let myself be how I am and feel how I am without wanting to resist it or talk at it or make stories up about what this grief means for me and my healing and my life moving forward and what today grieving means about my past. I talk with so many parents that.

This is what's happening. They're making the emotions they're experiencing right now. Like I was talking about, , maybe three or four episodes ago, emotional reasoning.

When we make our grief, what we're feeling right now means something for the truth of our relationship. And so for y'all, like if you have this grief and you're feeling this deep sorrow, then this must mean that we're doomed going forward. If I'm feeling this deep of a loss today, then that must mean we're never going to reconvene.

We're never going to reconnect. Because why would I be feeling it this deep if, if we were if that meant good later, and that I think I was just want to open the conversation up and let you guys know that That does not have to be fact. You can feel deep loss, even for some time, um, lost, And still reconnect with your kids later. The two are not related at all. so

holding space for yourself, allowing yourself to just be present in the moment when you're feeling the whatever emotions you are, instead of questioning them or wanting to label your experience. and make it mean something about going forward, or maybe even make it mean something about your past.

Like, I must not have ever meant something to them because I feel so discarded today. I must not have ever been important to them. I talked to a lot of people like this. especially, um, in comments and social media and stuff that also use , the emotional reasoning like, oh, well, now I see looking back and I was like, now I can see how they treated me terribly and they favored the other parent I've always been treated like dirt.

So our relationship was never as close or as good. And they never valued me as much because I can look back and see it now. Listen, I want to offer you guys that you  don't make that mistake.  , labeling and making your grief today

cheapen or take away from whatever relationship you did have with your children when you did have it. That,   bond is something that can be unbreakable if you allow it to be.

 So many of us are just the second that we feel the discomfort And the grief wave tidal wave come in and you start to feel sad you feel. Anxiety, even

Fear, loneliness, unhappiness, depression, even

overwhelm, sometimes even disconnectedness, right? Those are all emotions under the grief sort of umbrella, none of those are very comfortable, We all just want to be happy all the time. We want to be joyful, gleeful, motivated, all of those kinds of feelings.

Of course we do, but going through what we have, we also are going to have these moments where it's not all, you know, roses. And I know that you know that think we all learned that in preschool. But, the second that the emotions do come up, what do we do? We wanna label it, we wanna, our bodies like freak out, like, No, no, no, no we shouldn't be feeling this, we shouldn't be feeling this, it's been too long.

We should already be past this, we need Either busy ourselves out of it and go go go and not think about it. Let's do something else. Let's redirect pick up an extra shift at work or get busy around the house or call somebody Surround yourself with tons of people avoid avoid avoid or We sit in it and then question it like why am I feeling this?

I don't understand. Why is this coming up again? It's been however long I have already been through this pain

but who says that you've already processed it all the way through. And in fact, if it's coming back up for you, clearly you haven't, there's more corners, edges, like. , remains that are left over, But we want to question it. We want to make it mean something about our past or our future, right?

We usually either minimize what our past was well, they must not have cared about me anyway. Like I was just saying, they must never have cared about me. They must have always cared about the other parent more, which we know when we're actually using our higher thinking and know the dynamics. Of alienation, Of coercive control, then we know that this is not the case, You did once have a very close, loving relationship, right? but the brain in the moment, emotional brain will want to talk you out of that because it wants to like, Shut down the discomfort of today.

So if we convince ourself that the relationship was just doomed from the beginning, then we can feel better about moving forward. Right? And maybe we'll get out of the pain that we're experiencing in the now. That's really, really what your survival brain is wanting you to do is let's just get out of this pain.

So let's minimize what it was for us. And maybe that'll get us there. or we like I was talking about just a few minutes ago, or we make it mean something for our future, right? We're fortune telling. And we're like, well, if I'm still feeling this now, and I'm feeling this deep of loss and anguish and depression, this must be .

A sign of what's to come, And so then we're in like, doom,

we make our grief in the moment means all the things for our future. So we define our whole life moving forward. And when we do that, we have now become this narrative developed by survival brain. And you will end up creating that result in the end if you don't become aware. Like, obviously we can't be in control of whether your child or children are ready to and if they reach out to you or not. But if you continue telling the stories about your grief and about your discomfort today and moving forward. That is what you will become. You will have turned into that state of mind and eventually that will be your personality and your full set of beliefs.

That it is doomed, it was doomed from the start, it will always be doomed, they will always hate me. These feelings that I have are, are warranted because I've been discarded as a human. And then the rest of your life will look like that. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like it's a self fulfilling sort of prophecy and Until we recognize, realize what we're creating for ourselves, we will just keep reinforcing that behavior.

Now, I just went to like sort of an extreme example of that, but if you can, when you start to feel the uncomfortable emotions, next time now you can just hold the space for yourself.

Allow yourself to feel the tidal wave of grief, to feel sometimes even the rolling, slow rolling waves that come, you know, those are kind of nice. They seem like, for me, the rolling waves. Are sort of all the, memories, but they're good. You know, they're like, it's almost like in between if you've ever been out like boogie boarding or surfing.

on the beach, you know, and you wait on your board in between sets. And a lot of times you're waiting in those just those slow rolling waves. Bobbing in the water, And then you have those waves that bring you all the way in and up onto the beach and they're fun while they last, right? You think about, old memories or you had good times in your present life. And then sometimes you'll be bobbing in the water thinking everything is fine.

And then out of nowhere, you hadn't turned around to look in a little while. And a wave comes and takes you Tidal wave comes out of nowhere and smacks you. underneath the water,   it's kind of like grief.  the waves become fewer and farther in between.

The more healing that you do, the more, as you guys know, I don't believe it's just time. Time alone will never heal. It will just dull things, but you've never really fully processed through. You got to do the work, you know, in order to really fully process through. Else it'll come out sideways. But, I do think though, the further that you get from the situation, the more that you can prove to your central nervous system, to your body, that you're going to survive, because in the beginning of the whole mess, however, it went down for you, when you are still in high alert and in your fight or flight, You may not think it's life or death, like with your higher thinking, but the rest of your body sure as fuck thinks it it is life or death situation, like when you're just first separated from your kid,

and then you learn over time that, okay, no, I'm not going to die. Maybe my kid won't die. Things are going to be okay, but it's just a really shitty existence right now, right? And then the waves get a little bit further apart, the sets of waves get a little further apart, and then, you know, it is, it lets up after a while, but what I think can lessen your load, lessen the blows, is you being able to hold space for yourself.

I remember , when, it was just all happening for me, and at the time I was married to that guy, the other guy, he had a few kids of his own, , at that time stepkids, right?

When the boys came over, his two youngest, came over to the house, this was my house where Scarlett and I lived, before. And so when his boys came over for the weekends, they had to sleep somewhere. His middle child was, low functioning autistic.

And he would always sleep in my daughter's room. And it was so difficult for me at that time because I wasn't ready to say that my daughter wasn't going to come back home You know, I was getting ready to sell that house to go back to court, you know so in no way shape or form was I giving up but at that time I didn't understand how grief Came and went and what was going on with me I just knew that I really hated it When his middle child would go and stay in my daughter's room, because I really needed her room to say exactly how she left it.

Like I really needed that, you know, it makes me so sad to think about me being back in that time because. I wasn't able to hold the space for myself because one, I, um, I didn't know how, you know, I didn't know what I was experiencing and what I was going through. I just didn't, I know that I didn't want, um, anybody replacing my daughter.

Right? Well, besides the pig, but it's different because obviously a pig isn't going to go move into my daughter's room and try to be, be my daughter. You know what I'm saying? But, I didn't want anybody replacing my daughter and I was sure as shit not going to change her room in any way, shape or form, you know?

But on the other side of things, um, my now ex my husband at the time. kind of expected me to, he really wanted me to, redo the room so that it was more for his son, right?

His middle child. I was, I was not ready for that. But, I felt bad he called me selfish. She called me self centered and how rude of me to not want to help his son, and he made it about. That I just didn't like him and that was not the case at all. I loved, I loved his kids, you know, but they also, the kids were pretty destructive in the house, you know, and I had a really nice house. And then my ex was just, he was just not a nice guy in any way. I will go out into my garage for the entire weekend. That the boys were there because I, I felt like a, um, a stranger, like, like a visitor in my own home when they were there, they just kind of took over the place.

And if I was in the house, I used to like go into like a panic attack because they would break things and like screw up my daughter's room and like. It just it just it was awful, right? It just was an awful place for me to be because if I spoke up then also there were other issues, you know um, and so sorry if I That's activating for anybody But Today when I was thinking back about that I was just thinking about my grief. Leading up and then what was it like in the beginning when I was really starting to grieve, you know because I wanted to relate that to you guys and this is the first experience that came up for me was like These destructive boys and then my ex and how he expected me to change my daughter's room.

And this had, she had just left like months before that. And they just wanted to take over and I couldn't deal. And so I went and hid in the garage every time they came over. Cause we really didn't live together, but he would come over with the boys for those weekends. the weekends that he did have the boys, he would bring them and everybody would stay at my house. And I was thinking, how does my inability to feel grief or experience the grief back then relate

what was going on there for me. And I think the deal is, is that I was with somebody that was a pure reflection of what I was already doing to myself, I didn't give myself an opportunity to really fully grieve back then for the extreme loss that I was feeling and the extreme now I can say I think, disregard for what I was going through by my ex, right?

By this other guy, and I don't care about him. That's not an issue, but what it made me think of is you. This is what I want to get to for you guys is that I'm sure you guys have heard that saying and I don't really know how it goes, but basically that the people that you attract into your life how they treat you is merely a reflection of how you treat you, how you speak to you.

 

I know that I attracted this second husband into my world, not knowing what I was doing. And definitely the way that he behaved was like, almost like the ugliest way I would ever probably came across different than I ever spoke to myself like, but he was a complete reflection Of the disrespect or the disregard that I already was showing to my own self, right, the erasing that I was already doing to my own self.

 

There was a piece of writing that somebody wrote on Reddit years ago,

as for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and maybe you hang on for a while.

Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating for a while. All you can do is float. You stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are a hundred feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come ten seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe. You can function. You never know what's going to the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything. And the waves come crashing. there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everyone, you'll find that the waves are only 80 feet tall, Or 50 ft tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming an anniversary, a birthday, Christmas or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming. And for the most part, prepare yourself when it washes over you. You know that somehow will again come out the other side, soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage.

But you will come out, take it from an old guy. The waves never stopped coming and somehow you don't really want them to, but you learn that you'll survive them. and other ways will come and you'll survive those too. If you're lucky, you'll have a lot of scars from a lot of loves and a lot of shipwrecks.

so that is just such a beautiful, way to describe, I think, what really goes on for any kind of grief. I mean, I know in this one particular, I think that he was definitely talking about a death here, but I see this applicable here for us too. that the waves don't ever stop coming and they're not supposed to, nor would we ever truly want them to, that is the key.

Because if I were fine and didn't have any emotion and felt, completely removed from the situation, I don't know that I would like the outcome of that really. I would You know what I'm saying? Like, sure, everyone wants to be able to feel like, Oh, it's no big deal. And you can get there, for sure.

But that doesn't mean that you won't experience these deep feelings of loss. that's what humanizes us. when we have these moments, for me, these, these, these, set after set of these big, huge, slow moving waves over the last couple weeks, I think that's what humanizes us.

It is me experiencing my humanness and

I think that the slow moving part of that is because I'm today allowing the grief to happen. And when I say slow moving, I don't mean that it stays around for longer. In fact, I believe that it doesn't. I believe that like the, the deep sadness. The clean pain of this does feel slow. It feels heavier than the suffering, um, the anxiety and nervousness and urging, pushing us to get through it.

For me anyway, there is a difference between the two and I know I've spoken with you guys about the clean pain and dirty pain before. but today, although it's not comfortable, I actually welcome this grief. Because just as this man said from Reddit, that if you're lucky you will have a lot of scars from a lot of loves and a lot of shipwrecks.

You know, because it just means that we have. Love so deeply and do love so deeply and that doesn't me need to mean anything about what the relationship was then what it is today or what it is for the future. The grief just is they're just rolling waves of emotion emotion and experiences that come through. And the more that we just allow them to be present with us, the less suffering and, processing we have to do later. You know, when we tell ourselves that, Oh, let me just busy my way through this. I don't want to feel this right now. I don't have time for this.

What you're really telling yourself is that you don't have time for you. The real you number one. Okay.

And two, you're only making the time double, quadruple, whatever past that, because you're still having to keep those emotions and that grief down all the while, while you're busying and then for however long it takes for it to come back up for you again.

also, let me just add to that, whatever problems that you're buffering, like you're busying, causes for you separately. What I mean is, is like, if you're, um, using a behavior that maybe is causing you to have like an addiction on top of that, then you have to deal with the aftermath of all that stuff too.

it's okay that it comes and it doesn't have to take you to the point of no return to the point where you cannot, you won't come back from it. the grief is just part of our journey and I actually wouldn't want it any different.

, when I was Out on my patio the other day and I found myself on my knees, in anguish, deep sadness, longing.

Um, I was able to, allow that energy. Like I was able to be with that energy and release that and enjoy the memories I was having. You know, of, our time together, I was able to laugh even through the cry, laugh and had moments of pure joy. Just thinking back to looks on my daughter's face, um, and little things that she would say, you know, all of that,

coming from such a good place, you know, in so much appreciation and gratitude. And, um, that's what I want to offer you guys. I know I am so emotional today. But I think it's just like I said, it's just been the last couple of weeks. I'm fine. You know, like I feel okay. Other than the fact that, um, I have this grief happening and I think

It might be helpful for you guys to, to understand and to know that it's okay. When this sadness comes for you, it's okay. It doesn't need to mean anything about you. Or where you are in your healing or what your relationship status is with your kiddos or you, whatever other grief you might be having going on.

It's all okay. It's just grief. It doesn't need to be anything more than that if you don't want it to be, except for maybe celebrating, allowing the grief to be there so that you can experience not just the sadness and the anger and the bargaining and the fighting and the resistance to it all, right?

Because then you're not really getting to the grief because you've added all that suffering on top. But when you can allow for the, true pain to be there. Then you can also get to experience like the fullness of it. I hope that that's making sense, but there's all these layers to it. And it's so ooey gooey amazing because it's like the fullness of your relationship.

And you honor that. Does that make sense? You know, I did an episode and I haven't listened to this since the beginning. Um, you know, those first 20 episodes, I didn't put them in with the. last two, best of episodes because they weren't video. And so in order for me to get them into video and do all the things that was going to have to be, it was going to be a process.

So anyway, but, um, I did a bittersweet memories episode and I haven't listened to it since God knows when, since. Probably it came out, but I while I'm talking right here just kind of reminded me of that like doing your memories and your relationship justice and honoring the true feelings and the true longing and also the true love and connection that you do share still do share because of those moments.

I think this is something that can never

be taken away from you. it's also the gift that keeps on giving if you allow it just the resistance to whatever might be coming up for you. That is where you're going to cause yourself. suffering, the wrestling. questioning. Why is this happening to me? God? you start going into all the stories and circling the drain about how terrible they are And how terrible blah blah blah all of that will take you off your path of healing and actually , finding the meaning of What connection really is we just muddy up the waters And do our own connections, even the ones we had before, because we tell ourselves, well, this shouldn't be happening.

It should still be happening and should be continuing. And now they've ruined it. And so we go and we take the attention off of what's really trying to come up for us, you know, . And then we want to like point fingers and they took, they did this to us and they're doing all the things.

And that's why I'm here right now. And then you never get to feel the feeling. You know, you never get to hold that space for yourself for me back when like I was saying it was that I was remained in this very dysfunctional relationship where I was faced with making the choice for me and my daughter like, , honoring where I was or self erasing and I chose self erasing.

I put myself right out to the garage for weekends on end. Living in that discomfort. And like I said, I don't fault him. I mean, he is who he is. Right. Um, I don't follow him. I don't want to see him, but I don't, um, I'm talking about not my daughter's father, but you know, I don't want to see him and I, I'm glad he's gone, but I also don't fault him.

I was the one that stayed in that because it was a true reflection of where I was, the space I was in.

Back then, that chaos that I allowed to continue in my own home, when they had somewhere to go, I allowed that because that chaos was better in my mind than sitting with the grief, I didn't want to be alone, so at least if there was the chaos there that I hated, I hated that chaos. But that chaos kept my mind occupied in those moments when I thought I was going to die, now, of course, today I look back and I didn't was not going to die.

In fact, I probably put myself in a lot more of harm's way, um, staying with that guy, you know, but like I said, it was just a reflection of the way that I thought of myself, you know, but anyway, my point is, is that, allowing for holding the space for yourself for the grief. Without making it mean a damn thing, just knowing to that this shipwreck in any other relationship that you have moving forward, there are bound to be hurts.

even more tragedy maybe, but it's okay because it's the love that you share and the connections that makes it all worth it, and as long as you are,

equipped, as long as you equip yourself today, like, I think that there's analogy out there. Like, Grief comes in waves, but if you know how to swim,

I don't know if this is a saying or if I'm making it up right now, but grief comes in waves and either you can learn how to tread water and become an excellent swimmer, or you can let it wash you up on the shore. You know, and I truly believe that all the work of staying in the water and allowing for it all to be hard and allowing the waves to come over you and staying moving, it's sharpening us, sharpening me, it's making me stronger and I'm equipping myself for even more to, to happen in the future.

And that's okay because as long as I am a skilled swimmer. Anything could happen around me, anything, and I'm going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You know, having gone through what we've gone through, this the potential to equip you to handle all of the things in the future, but you have to step up to the plate.

You have to choose it, And by choosing it, it means not resisting reality and not resisting you, you know, and wanting to always run away from You know, what's happening inside of you. So I guess that's all I just wanted to say no matter how far you are along, no matter how much, healing you've done, no matter how much for me, how much coaching and all of the things, books and education counseling and all the things that you have, it doesn't make you bulletproof,

You still experience your humanness. I just believe that with the tools and continuing to choose you that you become more and more and more equipped, right? To handle each and every one of them and the less that you do resist.

Now, most of the time when waves come for me, I see them from far, and I can either duck under the wave, going into the wave,

and come out the other side being, untouched,

When you're resisting it and fighting the experience and wanting to label it and do all the things. feel like that's fine. Seeing the wave coming from far away and you see it coming and all you're doing is analyzing it and you're analyzing it and so you don't duck under the wave then you get smacked that right and you're tumbling and that wave is carrying you and you're pulled under you get tossed around.

Until finally the wave lets you up. That's kind of how I think of resisting when you're in that. Why is this happening? If only they would this way that way. Well, it tosses you all over the place. But when you're. Rolling with the waves, you can, sometimes you see the waves coming, sometimes you don't, but if you know how to, if you've ever gotten into a rhythm in the water, waiting for waves, then you know how to either dive under them and the wave will still take you as you come back up from the other side, but you're with it, you're in rhythm and sync with the waves. You are one.

With the water. You're not resisting. You're going with . And that way, I think

it's always going to be okay. It's always going to be okay, because there's never a problem with what is happening. You take it as you go. Oh, here's grief today. Here's sadness. Here's anguish. Here's anger. Here's loss. Here's guilt.

Regret even, Oh, I wish I would have known, that's okay. But you can have those experiences be, and then boop up, you are on the other side of that wave. Bobbing in the water again, no biggie, as opposed to being taken away with the wave and washed up ashore and out of commish until somebody comes and pumps the water out of your belly, So. Anyway, just don't fight it. Don't make it mean anything for yourself. Don't allow your discomfort to define you, your most important relationships in your life, or what your future will look like. What you're experiencing in the moment it just is. hold the space for yourself.

If you are at all where I was before, where you are resisting yourself and not allowing yourself to have the moments. I would just urge you, first of all, reach out to somebody. If you reach out to me, if you need to, if you find yourself in a situation where, maybe home life isn't.

so agreeable and you don't have the support that you wish you had, um, let's get you there. And, um, number two, the emotions that you're having are natural. Just let them be present without attaching all the stories about what it's supposed to mean.

And how you can't be feeling this right now. And you shouldn't be feeling this. And you felt this yesterday. There's no need for you to feel this today. All of those kinds of crazy rules that we have on ourselves. give yourself some grace. All right guys I will talk to you next week.

Bye.