Alienated Parent: Reconnecting with Your Child? Stop Reducing Your Role

TLDR In episode #128 of the Beyond the High Road podcast, Shelby Milford shares a recorded Facebook Live session addressing alienated parents seeking to reconnect with their children. She discusses the challenges parents face in reunification and the importance of trusting their instincts amidst professional and societal pressures. Through a case study of a past client, Shelby highlights the struggle with feelings of marginalization, self-doubt, and maintaining a parental role. She offers practical advice on how to engage with children, emphasizing the necessity of maintaining authority while fostering a loving relationship. The episode aims to empower parents by encouraging them to value their role and trust their inner compass during the reunification process.

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview

01:44 Reconnecting with Your Child: A Client Story

03:18 Challenges in Reunification

05:10 Parental Authority, Self-Doubt, and Inner Compass

08:55 Effective Communication Strategies

17:55 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Hey there! Shelby Milford here, bringing you another insightful conversation through Beyond the High Road Podcast. Today, we’re diving deep into the challenging journey of reconnection between alienated parents and their children. This topic arose from a heartfelt text conversation with a previous client, and I felt it was necessary to share insights that can resonate with many of you walking the same path.

The Pain of Disconnection

We start off with a story about one of my clients who spent years apart from his children. The journey to reunify has been filled with expected hurdles. When parents and children are apart, especially when influenced by an alienating parent, the situation feels increasingly fragile. Imagine feeling like a stand-in or like you’re not a part of your own child's life. That’s the heartache my client expressed, comparing his role to that of a foster parent.

Understanding the Dynamic

The challenging part of reconnection is the changes children undergo over time. Their independence grows, and their associations with alienated parents may start to wane. This client, Sean, who was in a period of reconnection, felt he had lost his influence and value as a parent. His son, now more independent, was resisting activities that were once shared bonding moments. And while it’s tempting to back away and wait for the child to come around, remember—this is a crucial time to step up, not back down.

Reaffirming Your Role

Here’s a reminder for every alienated parent: despite what others may imply or even state outright, love and instinct have brought you this far; trust them. Others may look at your role and undervalue it. They cannot replace the history and bond you have with your child. You’re still their parent, and no one can take that away.

Navigating Teenage Independence

Teenagers hit a unique period of life, where they are attempting to define themselves, often against their parents. Ambivalence from your child is common, especially seen in preferences like not wanting to be picked up in front of friends or avoiding shared church activities. The key here is to maintain a balance of authority and affection.

Leadership in Parenting

An important concept to grasp is the parents’ place at the top of the family hierarchy in a healthy dynamic. It is essential to balance guidance with empathy when reconnecting. Children are still growing and experiencing the world within their limited perspective. As a parent, your job is to gently guide them, providing direction while respecting their emerging independence.

Engage in activities that subtly reaffirm your authority. Talk and relate to them casually. Engage them in scenarios that challenge their thinking and decision-making but don’t necessarily pertain to the contentious aspects of your relationship. Gradually, introduce discussions surrounding your relationship aims. This builds rapport and strengthens your bond without the direct pressure they might resist.

Conversations and Compassion

Redefine your role not based on past alienation but on present connection and future growth. It’s okay to feel like you’re walking on eggshells at times. We all cower from overstepping in fear of pushing our kids further away. However, by doing so, you may inadvertently reinforce alienation narratives. Keep focusing on unity and imparting to your child their crucial role in this journey.

Closing Thoughts

Parenting, especially from an alienated standpoint, isn’t straight-forward. Be in open, ongoing dialogue with your children, subtly piquing their interest with small games or discussions about everyday choices. They are more receptive to these talks. Use this opportunity to rebuild bridges. Remember, you are still leading this dance.

In conclusion, remember that while the road can be tough, you are equipped with the skills and love necessary to guide your child back into a trusting and wholesome relationship. You’ve got this! Join us next time for more insights from the Beyond the High Road Podcast.

Until then, take care and keep moving forward with love and confidence.

 Episode Transcript

You are listening to the Beyond the High Road Podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 128. Stay tuned. Hey, y'all. I have a treat for you guys today. Uh, I'm gonna be playing for you a recording of a Facebook Live that I did some months ago.

The person or the parent that would be interested in listening to this would be ultimately wanting to reconnect with their child at some point. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe, maybe yes, maybe tomorrow. Um, and is in some form of contact with them. It doesn't have to be a necessity now. But is definitely feeling marginalized and

maybe unsure about their steps moving forward and has been told by professionals or has read in books or what have you, that if they make the wrong move that they could screw up. There are a whole situation moving forward, so just if that sounds familiar to you if you're questioning or like putting your own self in a box and questioning your inner compass Not trusting yourself and your own parental instincts in Then have a listen.

Okay. All right. And I will see you next week. I've got some ideas, episode ideas already a brewing and in the works. I just wasn't ready to put them all out there this week. So anyway, enjoy.

 Okay So what I wanted to talk about actually today just came up in a text conversation . with One of my previous clients, he went through a one on one program with me. he spent three years away from his kiddos. he's in the reunification process with his one kiddo, the other two, he's actually just recently sort of reconnected his, older boy who's off to college, and then he's got his younger one. And his younger one whenever things went awry, if you will, when he and his ex wife split up he was young, he was like, 7 or 8? Somewhere around there.

So, there's a huge difference between that and 11 or 12. , like when they're seven and eight, they're still so sweet and they need you, and they're like.

So lovey and they still don't really mind being read to every once in a while, depending on your kid, you know, my, my daughter used to love it , we, I called it Bubba Jeff. It was

Bible Julie. Was like a three day rotation of what we would read at night. Anyway, back to Sean is that whenever he left the, their began. And idea what was. gonna happen just like most of us, right? And so then he spent three years away from four years, maybe away from his kiddos. And so in that time, of course, his youngest you know, they get some autonomy and they start, of course, the influence , of the alienating parent, right?

But they just, already kids change a lot in that time. And so, they're in quote unquote reunification therapy, that was what was already ordered, And he's running into these Challenges, I guess, regarding kid wanting his own independence, you know, he doesn't want dad to pick him up in front of his friends at school.

Now. He's saying he doesn't want him to be involved in church things and what have you. And so what to do about that is a separate conversation. We talked about that, but something he mentioned today, he said, I feel like a foster parent. Because he doesn't, you know, basically because he doesn't feel as wanted.

I feel like foster parent and I thought, well, that seems like it would be I don't know. I've never been a foster parent. , but I do imagine that if I were to ever foster parent, don't know for sure that I could see how that would be an accurate.

You're just a stand in or something and you feel that you just, have to be with the person because they're taking care of you right now. And you don't really, you're not really invested in them if you were a kid. Like I can imagine in a foster parent relationship, Not his. I could see where as his parent he feels like not valued and like that the kid is just biding time and it's something that he just has to do. He's not invested, right? I could see that. and I also know or think, I don't know, he hasn't responded yet,  it's got to feel like shit to think about yourself as a foster parent to your own child.  

It's got a feel to meaning and you know, marginalizing mean, he's really marginalized himself to the point where he's in some other, role. And, I get it with what's going on, right? Like they're not in a, we are all not in these, Traditional conventional sort of parent child relationship situations, right?

I know a lot of you aren't speaking with your kids like me, And then there are some of you do have your kids, weekends or even 50 50. So, I think this applies all the way around for all of us This isn't the conventional way and and so we have to like, re frame. Our role like who we are not comparing out to what we think things would be like in some other more minimal role. it's the special snowflake thing. we want to put ourselves in our own penalty box, so like for him, . It feels uncomfortable. It feels, maybe even scary. unsure of what he's supposed to do and how he's supposed to be. But I think most of it, you know, like on the everyday when he's with his son, but I think so much of it is him being in his head because honestly, he knows exactly how to be with his son, we discount, like discounting the positive, and I should have put this in one of the, examples the other day. All of that time that we were with our children. It makes sense because other people are discounting our role, And so then we start to believe them, but I just want you to, to recognize that if that's what's happening with you, that yeah, other people may say this and they may be devaluing you, but that doesn't make what they're saying true about you, they can say all day long till the cows come home.

That's. you know, you don't mean anything in their lives. I'm talking about the alienator, right? And even your kids, if that's what's happening, you don't mean anything. They don't want you or whatever they're saying and they can minimize and whatever they all they want. But you keep remembering your history, you keep remembering and even like, let's say your history .

, doesn't feel significant or maybe it wasn't the time spent with your child beforehand wasn't is significant as you would have liked it to be even if it wasn't  who you are now  and who you are to that child, regardless,  you are their parent. 

Nobody else can replace that. and you know how to do it. It's, instinctual But we get so in our heads, about what they've said and also what we think that they might be thinking or how we think that they might be judging us. So then we, we second guess and we feel all, and then actually what happens is in a case like Sean's the one that I'm talking to the guy I'm referring to now, what happens there a lot of times and I have another dad client who isn't on Facebook, so he won't see this, but the same thing his kid is around the same age because he's second guessing his ability and his own motives about how he parents and whether it's good enough or not because of all the scrutiny, his kid now gets this message.

That they call the shots. And I'm not saying don't let them have a voice. Right? I'm not saying that, but also you still are the parent and that is why you are reunifying or whatever path that you're on to reconnect with them. That is why you are the parent and they are the kid.

You do, like, really actually know, at this point, until they're 18, the best thing for them, Or you're always looking for the best thing, more than what they can see. The kids at this age, they've got, like, basically, like, like, horse blinders on, right? They can only see their little, tiny, tiny, little world.

Even with social media these days. They cannot see and their brains are, you know, they're not even nearly developed, not even, well, maybe halfway developed if they're 15 or something, you know, a little over halfway. I see this happening, with the dads. A lot lately. And even the moms actually.

us. We cower because we don't want to make too many steps. Like I'm talking about like on your way to reconnection, right? You don't want to Push them away, right? And I get that, but  you cower to them and an alienated child is going to pick that shit up.  They're going to understand, see that any teenager will pick that up and  use that to push their narrative and make sure that that narrative happens.

And if that narrative is still all the alienated parents, you're shit out of luck, you know?  So, I just, Keep remembering, I'm not saying be the powerhouse that leads to like, no,  brah, this is what we're doing,  but also trust and remember that  you know what's right,  And the way that you direct conversations,  and I do mean direct  when you're speaking with your children, if I'm a loving place, right? 

But you still can be, the authority the loving authority in that conversation. So that you're leading them through whatever you have plans to do with them. Right? And I'm now I'm talking about, many times when we're in these reconnection situations, parents are scared that if they come on too strong, they're going to push their kids away. . And that's what all the therapists say. That's what all the professionals say. But here's the thing, and I'm not saying to, disregard the professionals in your life are saying.

I'm just saying to, like, I will always say this, always say this, is  do not deny your own compass, like inner compass with this.  if you want to have a conversation with them, like, you're worried that moving forward, they're going to pull away. Let me be more specific., Sean, I'm reading this. Okay. so his son mentioned he doesn't want him to come to school and, Pick up in front of the friends and he doesn't want to be involved in church life like I was talking about earlier, right? and that was something that dad was previously very active together with son.

It was maybe bonding time, right? And so that was when he was 6. Now we stopped participating. Now I have legal access to him, but I'm concerned and have been warned that exercising this right would cause significant stress and potentially hinder our progress, toward So basically, he's worried that by  Forcing the church activities on his kid that it'll push him away.

And I do think that maybe that's something that he could rethink, but also there's conversations that he could have with his kiddo, like,  use this for you guys, however you want, again, I'm not a reunification specialist or, even, , family systems trained, But I do know family systems, And family systems therapy,  it's the parents who are at the hierarchy,  And then the children,  that is the natural order of a family.  And so when we start deferring to the kids. You're going to get yourself in a world of shit, you're only adding to the alienation.  

They're already in a partnership with the other adult. So you keep deferring and guess what, what's going on is you're voluntarily going down to the kid position. I don't want at the same time for ego to come in and for you to be like, no, I'm going to exercise my authority. Instead, you get into a conversation with the kid, for instance, Hey, I understand that you don't want a BNC.

All right, here's the deal  because I'm the parent,  and because I love you,  and I want what's best for us, for you, for, everybody moving forward, the whole family moving forward, I'd like to continue to work towards rebuilding us, but the plan is. a B. C. So what do you think that we could do in order to get there now? Keep. Saying, well, and if they come up with some, not feasible, not viable kind of like, oh, well, we'll start next year.

That's your opportunity to coach them and be like, but you're just putting this off to your future self and then you're going to get there and you're going to have the same problem next year. So let's work on building up now. So let's say like from here to a month. We'll do an hour together doing church things.

I don't know about this one, John, but there's a way for you guys to sort of step up together. This is the ultimate goal. We're going to get there because that's what we're doing because I love you, but let's do this . In a way that feels doable for you. And also that's, that's the time you can take to discuss that  nothing worth having ever comes without the discomfort beforehand.  Growth always requires discomfort.  So you can explain with them, like, do you remember when we moved that time and you thought you would hate it?

You were like crying and you thought you lost all your friends. And now you're, you know, a month after moving to the new place, you have this whole new life and you've loved it and it's been like amazing. And all the best things came out of it. Those sorts of conversations, right? Some area in their life where they've, they've really had to step out on a limb in order to grow, right. You know, engage them in conversations that pique their curiosity about the future they don't know. And like, The Sliding Doors.

Remember that movie? I actually don't really remember much of it. Because I think it was a pretty shitty movie, I feel like it was. I'm not sure. But I do know that that's, it's like the alternate, if we would have gone this way, if we would have gone that way, sort of thing. there's another movie that's like that too, and I can't think of what it is right now, but you get it, like, you can start to play those games, um, this turned into a whole reunification conversation, but that's fine.

Um, you can start to play those games with them, , just pique their interest, like, just casual conversations. Doesn't have to be about y'all. Don't go straight into this kind of talk about y'all because then they're going to always steer away from this kind of talk, but start them off with like, if you're watching some sport,  what do you suppose would have happened if they didn't put that player in?

And if they put another player in, how do you think this game would have gone?  things like that start now There are conversation pieces too, which help you guys to pass the time, right? And not feel so, also the brain, especially the child brain, doesn't like to resist a question.

It loves questions like that, open ended questions. , it's a great way to build your relationship with them without them even knowing. They just think they're being asked an irresistible question about football. You know what I'm saying? So,

let me just tie up the foster parent thing, you know, like the comparison maybe you don't have that comparison, but there's some other thing where you already, you in your mind, minimize, marginalize, devalue yourself, Because you think that by doing that, just kind of how I was talking about the other day with the labels.

about like when I would label my daughter's behavior, or label, other things that basically judge it and want to put it into some sort of box for whatever reason, I thought that by doing that, that took me off the hot seat or something that was all from them to see what they're doing.

Do you see how bad this is now? Again, there's always a place for that. Like when we're trying to solve for. The whole situation of alienation and you're trying to prove something to a court or to the public or something like that, but in our day to day. This kind of comparison and labeling and stuff is not of any help that I see.

But I think that belongs in, like, the courtroom and maybe, like, in. the buildings of lawmakers, right? Otherwise, I don't, I just don't see a use for it. So, but when we do it

we think we're getting something out of it, but really, honestly, we are putting us our own selves into this tiny little box and it doesn't feel good. So you're like causing your own pain in a big way. They're not even, no matter what the alienating parent is doing, they're actually not, they didn't make you a foster parent, That's just your interpretation of where, how you feel based on your own thoughts and your own story. We don't even know how your son actually feels. He doesn't even know, probably, how he actually feels. And because you are to lead him, that is your job as a father, then Assuming and minimizing your role based off of what you think he might feel based on what somebody else instilled in him.

Who's leaning at that point? Who the fuck is leaning? you're not owning your, role and that's yours to do. I mean, it's like. Think about it. the role that you've put yourself in isn't even based in any sort of reality. It's not, it's not how you want to be. And you're basing it on what you think that he thinks about you based off of , the brainwashing that somebody else has done to him. do you see?

And so how the fuck are you going to lead coming from that?

It's like you driving a car, like being there, but relying on somebody else's hands through somebody else's mind. I don't know, that's a weird comparison, but that's how weird it is. That is exactly how weird it is to rely on your, kids  your alienated kids, for that matter, your kids who have been psychologically abused to determine, dictate, tell you what your role is.

that's not going to get you far. It's actually the most backwards thinking. And I know I've been there, like I have all the compassion and empathy and understanding, but it's so fucking backwards. This is what our brains do to us.  , you just got to remember that every conversation you have with him.

And the plans moving forward when you're, planning for yourselves moving forward, like in the, in your off time, when you're not with him, but really in your engagements with him start though by. Doing playing those little, cognitive games, right?

Exercises with him it'll put him in the mindset because you guys have already played those games start with the. Insignificant things first, you know, and then, maybe a couple days or a week or so later, then you can start adding in. Hey, listen, let's have this talk.

This is where we're going because I'm dad. You don't have to say that part. This is where we're headed. How do you want to do this together? You could even give him an A, B, and C, options for y'all to discuss. He doesn't get the last say. kids never get the last say it's you want his input.

You know, without being authoritarian, all coming from a place of love, you really, that's why I always talk with you guys about, like, especially my one on ones, I always talk with you about how does, how are you feeling, how did it make you feel, that thought causes you to feel which way, and I really want to know the emotion, because the emotions are so important when you're going into a situation, a conversation with somebody, something especially as intentional as this, you want to be coming from a place of love and not fear at all.

Right. Not anger, not feeling like, uh, uh, less than, cause you're going to want to try to exercise that your authority in a way that's going to come off. It's not going to work. It's all coming from love. Okay. So I'm going to go, I'm going to trim this vid and send , my dad's over to this one at least.

Okay. Bye guys. Have a lovely afternoon weekend. Okay.

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