Unintentional Hater Mindset?

you are listening to the Beyond The High Road podcast with Shelby Milford episode number 68 stay tuned welcome to be on the high road hey y'all I'm hopping on again before the episode starts because I tried every which way from Sunday to try to fix the audio to this it works fine it's just not going to be the same quality audio but it's such a an important message that I wanted to send to you guys and I think it I know that it can apply to all of our lives and the way that we show up and sometimes don't even know that we are showing up this hater attitude this often unconscious contemptuous attitude that we have towards others I know that for me I found this kind of lurking in the

undertones of my Outlook even on the way that I viewed the people that are and were my supporters people that were like on my side in my cheering section and I didn't realize I had this perspective it took some uncovering but anyway I cover all different aspects facets of this hater contemptuous mindset that we get into it makes sense that we get into it I didn't talk about this but it makes sense coming from the trauma that we have experienced are experiencing that you would have developed some Behavior some coping mechanisms and one of those of course is to try to protect yourself to act in a way that is guarded and or suspicious of other people's intentions

and so that's what I'm going to I discuss it from a bunch of different viewpoints and a bunch of ways that it can show up in your life and I think in the end you'll see that it comes full circle and what I hope our real goal is I hope our real goal is as a community of parents that are going through this I think it's so important for us to support each other and although we may not have the same interests or the same you know we might not otherwise be bonded together but we are and that's the point and so I just am proposing that we open our eyes to some of the ways that we might be acting in a non-s sportive way and change that for each other so there's a lot more in there I

discuss it from a few different angles but anyway sorry about the the audio today it's not awful but it's not great long story short is as I thought that my mic was plugged in the other day and it was just a hair not plugged in it sounds a little bit like it is like I was just talking at my monitor so it doesn't have the clear sound that you guys are used to having said that um I appreciate you listening anyway and I really hope you enjoy it and get something out of it okay Finley how are you doing today well you guys had a lovely beginning to your week and that your day has gotten off to a nice start today we're going to talk about all things hate all things tearing other people

down in order to feel better about ourselves we're all guilty of this this is something that if you don't do today then congratulations but I can always guarantee coming from what we have with this tragedy of alienation that we have at some point at least once in our life if not many more times than that know what it's like to want to point the finger at somebody else and hate on them in order to try and make ourselves feel better and I will tell you that it doesn't work it's hard as we may try it does not work um and here's why I'm going to give away the secrets right in the first couple minutes of this episode that is because hate we gets hate plain and simple so in today's social climate I

think it's more evident the level of information that we have at our fingertips and all of the social media apps platforms that we can go to and congregate together for the purpose of feeling camaraderie and becoming closer even if far apart all of these apps you think of Facebook you know that started back for colleges way back when and then Instagram and Tik Tok these days there's a Reddit sub for pretty much anything I made a reference to it in the healing reinvention program and one of the the course modules the other day there's even a sub for cats like felines cats that resemble Adam Dr driver the actor Adam Driver cats is what it's called they have the craziest

like who would have ever thought to create all whole s to cats that look like Adam dyver now having said that there are so many cats that look like Adam Driver but anyway besides the point for right now all of these different social Gathering apps would utilize those to feel connected with others but on the not so funny side of things there are some really awful excuses people use to congregate together and just only hate on others getting together for the purpose of hating on somebody else is so damaging not just to the person that they're hating on but let's say you are the one of the ones that is hating on somebody we all are guilty of it in some way shape or form it's not right at this

moment that sometime in our probably I'd say venture to say more recent past than most of us would like to have it there even the coming together in order to hate like a magnet our brains already like to find the negative and the danger in something it's like flashing red lights for us we're like wait what's that you know watching a train happening I need to know I need to prepare myself I need to do all the things and you go and you pay more attention and give your energy put your focus on whatever the other person other people are hating on and often times you'll get sucked into it and you'll hate on that thing too because your brain will offer you that

it's the right thing to do because the person you're hating on deserves it that person is evil and wrong and blah blah blah and so you guys get together and talk about how evil and wrong and blah blah blah they are but guess what y'all are doing it may be in a different way it may look different you're doing the very thing that you're hating on that person for doing go back to the last time that you were hating on somebody remember how you felt I can feel it right now even like talking about it it's that stirring in your belly like that nudging and it's not the to me it doesn't feel like the good kind it's not like a determination or motivation to do something it's like this unstretchable

itch it's like this journey it's un comfortable it may feel it in the moment like your brain your thoughts and your nervous system will try to tell you that you're doing it because it's it's righteous and it's you should do because the person or the thing that you're hating on is bad and wrong and needs to be punished Justice needs to be served you can apply this to anything I'm not necessarily speaking about the alienating parent or alienation in general right now I am talking in general so your brain will tell you that this is these people need to be punished they're abusive but by painting on them by focusing on that and giving into to the negative you are in fact engaging in

the very behaviors again that look a little different but there's still the same very behaviors that you're hating on men for and what does that do like violence be gets more violence we cannot get to the world that we all say that we want to live in we all say I wish Ali Nation needs to end mean people need to go this shouldn't happen that shouldn't happen blah blah War all of these things that we hate on we cannot come to a battle world when we are doing the very things that we're saying we want to evolve through as a community as a world we're saying we don't want hate we don't want condemnation we don't want all of these things and then what do we do we

turn around and fight it with condemning there is a better way there's a better way to go about this I used to come from the place especially when it came to my situation of alienation well somebody needs to stop them somebody needs to tell them that what they're doing is wrong I'm not a hanger I'm not being unreasonable what they're doing is wrong now I am sure all of you agree with me on that that it's not being unreasonable by asking somebody letting somebody know that what they're doing is wrong well we're sharing with them what we think that's one thing but if I take myself back to when I was saying all those things truly I wouldn't have admitted this but on the inside I really wanted

to see him punished I wanted to see her the Stepmom punished I wanted them to learn their lesson I was hating on the inside and by doing that I was the one that was feeling it but again I was meeting them where they were at I was stooping to their level and I don't even like saying that because even stooping to their level is conveying that I am looking down at them and although I definitely do not agree with many things they do we'll say all the things they do because I just don't know with respect to what's going on with my daughter we have a lot to disagree upon there but that does not mean that I am any better than they are no human is better than another human and I think this is very

important to point out and it may rub some of you guys the wrong way and that is okay it's all right it's very important for me to be honest and share my truth with you guys here because if we want anything to change in this world not only with our children but for their world in in their future and in their children's worlds and keep going we have to come to place where we can evolve through this in love with kindness love brings more love kindness brings more kindness maybe you won't get the reaction or response you want from the alienator but you will continue to feel love when you feel love the emotion of love and you act in love you create more space for your own self to feel and give

love you attract other people that also give love feel love we create more of that energy that frequency on this Earth maybe you have a podcast maybe you have a Blog maybe you're going to work on the everyday basis and your fre quency is Raising each day and because of that you're affecting your co-workers you affect the people that they interact with and the people that they interact maybe you're sharing it just with your significant other your stepchildren or other children that aren't alienated maybe you're sharing it with the alienated children I mean so many different ways that we can affect our immediate surroundings which always radiates outward if we're feeling hate

anger and feeling Justice then that is what we are going to spread that is the energy that is going to surround us because we're living that we're perceiving that and then we emit that you would always tell when somebody's suffering and I know this from experience right you can always tell when somebody is suffering especially in the online spaces because of the way they show up there the things that they write had you ever wanted to buy a product on Amazon and then gone to read the reviews and seen some of the things that people write it's funny sometimes sometimes it's not funny at all sometimes it's really it seems tragic there are a lot of heers online

especially in the online shopping spaces remember back in the days of yel you could get the cityy on any place you wanted to go in your town people would share share the good the bad and mostly the ugly and I believe it's because of course and we it's obvious we're able to hide behind a screen if our life isn't going well otherwise if we feel slided if we feel victimized in any way it often will show up when we're writing now I was on review or when we're writing up maybe not yel these days you know the El even still around it'll show up in your Instagram comments how do you view posts that you see it'll show up maybe in the way that you're responding to people if you're reactive to the

comments that you read this is a clue that you might want to just take a step back for a moment and I just find the best way to go about that because it's happened with me too where I feel the need to be like and so I have to stop myself before I and I just say I wonder what's going on with that there like that's interesting and then I turn it into not so much about what I was whoever I was in at and it's more than about me because if I am tempted to respond in a shitty way to somebody especially behind a computer string then it's always about me it's never about them in the moment I will want to say it's about them that they said something shitty they blah blah blah but if I

react to it in the moment it says everything about me it always is it's my thoughts about whatever they've done or not done and so if I just stop myself and with a little humor because I like to make things light uh yeah I wonder what's going on there wonder why I don't have to go too deep it's not like I wonder why I'm this way what did what happened in my childhood no it's just like that's interesting why do I feel the need to lash out with my words words because in the end does it get you anywhere what you have a moment I told them you know it doesn't feel great it might for a minute depending on what we're talking about here but if you really felt the need to put somebody in their place

question that because why are you the one that needs to put somebody in their place and do you think they actually went to their place do you think they went and stood in the corner probably not you people that we're hating on for being haters don't know that they're hating haters don't know that they're hating they truly believe that what they're doing is just is necessary in order to put them in their place because they're bad they're wrong they are blah blah blah blah blah it's a judgment being a hater is being in this high horse place of judgment and looking down they're doing it wrong they're taking it Advantage fill in the blank and that doesn't feel good and usually you guys

those that coach with me know that I often say if you're in a place of judgment see how long it takes you until you're in a shame cycle it's slippery because you'll be like feeling like you're you know in a righteous place and like they're doing it wrong that's up and then Watch What Happens throughout the maybe minutes maybe it's throughout the day see what happens with your thoughts and how you feel it always ends up in the shame cycle because when we're in a place of judgment they're doing it wrong they're whatever what we're saying is that we are better than them we act much mightier higher than they act that is our ego talking sendling us out from being different than them with them

being different from us when we're all actually humans and we're all capable of the same things now I choose not to do a lot of things that other people do that doesn't make me a better more worthy human it just means that I choose better for myself I choose more for the way that I want for me it doesn't mean I'm choosing better than them there's a difference there so yeah haters don't know that they're haters unless they are really being honest with themselves in the time that they're hating they for sure don't know that they're hating they feel it's just the way that our brains work we feel like what we're doing is needed necessary it's it's a service to the world

sometimes people will even go that far this is I'm doing this because of Justice we're getting Justice here and there is a way to go about it obviously we do not condone people doing things that are not good or that are illegal that are abusive but we don't need to fight abuse with more abuse if we are are upset because the alienator is abusing our children manipulating our children's Minds then we don't go and abuse them in the our words even if those words are not outspoken but with other people talking about how they're such shitty people I see this on the Facebook groups a lot for parents like us I see this a lot it's there's so much hate being spew spewed about spewed SP

you know what I'm saying about the alienating parent listen guys I get you I understand your anger but I tell you notice how you feel when you're making those posts you're only perpetuating this hate don't do it just stop doing it if that is you I'm saying this with all of the love in my heart stop doing it you're only meeting them where they're at and you're only creating and perpet uating more hate just stop yourself question why why are you choosing it usually the answer will be something like well because what they did is wrong okay well why are you going to go make more wrong in the world why those posts like I'm sorry I just thought about those those Facebook posts I feel so

passionately about this you are only not only is it putting that image out there for us as alienated parents perpetuating this Persona of us being like sour angry bitter parents which is exactly what the alienator is probably trying to make you out to be anyway but then you perpetuate that by showing up in the online spaces bashing the other parents talking about how terrible they're acting it's not getting you anywhere I know that on the inside it's it's a way to grasp to try to feel better and I get it and you want to bring awareness to other people please bring awareness go out there and spread that awareness make it known the effects on you and the long-term effects

on your children please make it known but don't go out there bashing them you're fighting fire with fire it does not work it doesn't work and it doesn't make you feel any better I know it does it and may may for a moment like when you're writing the post as you press send and then what it only causes this whole cycle this Cyclone of feeling slighted taken advantage of victimized justified in your anger that o feeling that I was just talking about a little while ago they need to get punished that is hate so I know I'm so passionate about this because I just I want us also the whole reason I was uh wanting to talk about this is not just hating on the people that you don't like but we as

alienated parents we all have gone through this horrible tragedy we're going through this horrible tragedy series of tragedies it's awful it is upsetting it is so many of us all of us have been so full of Despair heartbreak anger sadness you name it so why on God's free Earth would you want to go and tear down another parent going through this very thing why why father with judging another alienated parents questioning condemning them for what you think are their motives accusing another alienated parent of taking advantage of being to this of being to that of not being enough of this we all it's this sick pleasure that so many of us who are suffering in the middle of suffering are

so tempted to do we are already going through so much we must actually show up for each other and support each other maybe the parents on the same thread as you is going through something and they have different interests and a different profession and otherwise you guys wouldn't be on the same path but you are so why not offer the support why not expect the best from each other and show up as your best why not let go of judgment let go of condemning others of questioning you know the crap it is so not useful the reason we usually do this people will tear each other down because they feel this is very easy to point out with people especially in the online space we usually tear people down

because we don't feel like we're in us we don't feel this is no nothing profound our parents and teachers have been saying this to us since we were in kindergarten probably hurt people hurt people when we're suffering when a person is suffering it's so much easier and takes so much less strength so much less energy to go towards the hate and to point fingers it takes a strong strong person choose love to choose inclusion patience tolerance acceptance friendship it doesn't take much to go to the negative anybody can just go in with the crowd and contribute to the problem it takes a strong Brave person to go the other route to choose there is no fight that you're going to choose love

compassion if you are mad that you're not getting ahead that you are not winning the answer isn't witing the finger at somebody else and causing them to fail it's you winning get the victories for yourself it's not making somebody else fail it never is if you aren't winning in your life and you decide to take your anger out on the next person you're still failing so now we have two people failing it doesn't make sense and just because you do tear that person down doesn't actually make them fail You're just showing up as the person with that negativity that is tearing somebody else down I know you don't want that we all need to be better I still do there are times where in my

mind I'll be tempted to judge or to question when I see somebody doing exceptionally well like H I wonder what they did to get there but I have to stop myself like wait just like I was saying earlier wonder what's going on there with me oh what's really happening is I want that win I want to win like that and I I feel that I've been slighted I feel victimized somewhere in my life if I am looking at somebody else and saying that they're taking advantage it's because I feel taken advantage of I feel victimized and I'm projecting that onto them I'm making them the villain when we are in a place of suffering it's easy to villainize other people and often times

very undue but I tell you what there is room for all of us out there to win there's not only a certain amount of winners we can all win we can all achieve all the things that we want to achieve but I promise you this you will get there no faster if you're continuing to try to pull people down to point the finger at how they're doing it wrong they're bad they're whatever you're perpetuating the victimization in your life so anyway you know that when I was saying all that that I wasn't pointing the finger at you but if you see any truth to any of this in your own life when the way that you're viewing other people's WIS especially other parents like us especially other people who are

suffering in any capacity the answer is showing love the answer is showing up for others giving providing being of service to others it always pulls us out of that place into uh mindset of compassion of support this is what we need you guys what would it be like to just assume that everybody is doing the best that they can possibly do with the information that they have at this moment and what would it be like to trust that they are on their path and you are on yours and to find the good in everybody that you encounter throughout your days play a game with yourself how many good things can I find about the person I'm talking with right now you know listen you don't have to like like

everybody do not have to like everybody but but doesn't mean that you can't love them act coming from a place of love it says nothing about them it's not a personal thing for that right you don't just only act from a place of love for and two people that you love you act coming from love because of how it makes you feel how you sleep well at night you don't have to like everybody and you don't have to agree with that in fact you can actively disagree with somebody but it doesn't mean that you need to act in hate or that you need to put anybody in their place when we're talking about the alienator I am going to assume that you're getting your custody situation

straightened out and if you're not if you're on like the path that I'm on dripping love then there is no point in paying attention to what the alienating parent is doing away there is no point in wagging your finger from afar it does nothing except for cause more hate inside of you and maybe trickling down to the world around you more hate hate begets hate and support other alienated parents we're all doing the best that we know how all of us so instead of dehumanizing objectifying the person you're hating on remember in the end we all are doing the things that we're doing because of whatever we've learned up until now just like with you how I tell you guys all the time whatever we

do we do because we think that we're either protecting ourselves or protecting our children always that's just how the human brain works so just remember that anybody that's acting like a complete you know what out there and it happens trust me something happened yesterday and I was like that person's being a complete you know what and I had a lot of choice words to write back to them and I thought what am I going to teach this person this person's clearly going through it even though ID offered help it wasn't received in the way that I would have preferred right what I got back from offering help was a condition and a few accusations and I wanted to set him straight I don't even know if

it's a him could have been a her but then I had stop and be like why I don't need to set them straight they're not going to hear it anyway well let it be I'll act and kindness so yeah but seriously with other alienated parents on the in the Reddit Subs in the Facebook groups wherever it may be y'all you spreading your hate or reacting from a place of indignance complaining gossiping it doesn't hurt the person that you're gossiping about or complaining about it hurts you it keeps you from achieving your highest from being your best from feeling your best in the moment and moving forward it doesn't contribute to our end goal of feeling love we that's what we all want

anyway I hope that helps somebody be kind be kind you just never know let's build each other up this is a community of us that if anybody deserves some support and some love some kindness and understanding compassion a cheering section each of us needs our own little cheering section and who better to do that than other parents like us okay love each other we're all just doing the best that we can you'll have a lovely week thanks so much for listening today guys I'm honored that you chose to share your time with me if you like what you've been hearing and you want more come join me in the new monthly membership where we take the concepts that you hear about here and using a

logical framework you learn to apply them to your specific situations upgrading your thoughts and your life even while experiencing the grief of alienation for more information go to beyond the high road.com see you

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