Dynamics of a Family During A High-Conflict Split

What is High-Conflict Custody?

If you've ever been through a divorce (whether as a spouse, or as a child experiencing it), you're well aware of the stress that seems to accompany. Even in an amicable split, a drastic shift in the home environment takes place; affecting parenting time, roles, and everyone's schedules. Finding a new balance requires understanding and cooperation from each member of the family.

High-conflict custody, on the other hand, occurs when one or both parents are unwilling to put aside their differences for the sake of their children.

Inclusion Might Seem Like An Obvious Choice

But for some, unfortunately, it is not. Some parents remain so mad, that they cannot see the effects of their anger on their kids. This is called emotional childhood. When an adult is more invested in their plight to punish the other parent than they are in fulfilling their own role as parent they jeopardize the emotional well-being of all children involved.

Engaging In Alienating Behavior

Alienation begins when one parent seeks to pit the child(ren) against the other parent. Sometimes, these parents are unaware of their efforts. Their motive is not to hurt their children, but instead to punish the other parent. In these situations, when the parent is made aware that their behavior is damaging to their child, they usually stop. This is considered naive parental alienation.

In other cases, the alienating parent has convinced themself that the other parent is intrinsically evil or bad, and will stop at nothing to keep their children away from them. These cases almost always require intervention.

Studies have shown that the alienating parent typically displays traits that of someone with a personality disorder — specifically one, or a combination of: narcissistic (NPD), borderline (BPD), or histrionic (HPD) personality disorders. These severity of these alienation cases fall on a spectrum, ranging from active parental alienation to obsessive parental alienation.

An Immense Amount of Pressure

Frequently, the active or obsessed alienating parent will punish a child for recalling fun times they had with the other parent, or forbid them from keeping photos of the other parent in their own room. "Punishment" can be administered in the traditional sense (parent audibly & visibly upset), but often, it happens in the form of quiet disapproval. Either way, the child quickly receives the message: positive talk of the other parent is not welcome or accepted in the alienating parent's home.

As such, when the child arrives home from their time with the "rejected" parent, it is not uncommon practice for them to be directed immediately to the bath or shower, where they must remove all evidence of said parent.

child feeling torn between two parents in alienation dynamic

Immediate Effects on the Child

When PA begins, the natural family dynamic is broken. In this form of triangulation, children become parentified, and at the same time, their right to autonomy is taken away.

Children who experience the effects of alienation often feel a tremendous amount of loneliness, even when surrounded by friends and other family members. This is much in part because they feel as though they are different than their peers during a time when children crave inclusion, consistency, and similarity.

Children who are alienated also tend to experience an extraordinary amount of complex guilt and shame — for both denying their parent, and for not denying their parent. This is commonly referred to as a loyalty conflict. Shame is felt, due to the alienator's campaign of denigration aimed at the target parent.

Because the child's skin, hair, eyes, and inner workings were quite literally made from the target parent, the child unconsciously feels that part of them is also bad. This obviously has detrimental effects on their self-esteem, which only strengthens the trauma bond between the child and the alienating parent.

Long-Term Effects on Child

Manifestations

as described by adult children

The child's feelings of isolation and shame often lead to other mental health and lasting behavioral issues. These are described below by adult children who experienced alienation in childhood:

Depression
Poor Self Image
Substance Abuse
Feeling They Missed Out
Difficulty Trusting Others
Difficulty Trusting Themselves (and/or questioning reality)
Sexual Promiscuity
Problems with Sleep
Eating Disorders
Weight Loss/Weight Gain
Tendency to Choose/Remain in Abusive Relationships
Diminished Activity
Cognitive Distortions
Existential Crises
Increased Use of Technology as an Escape
Psychosomatic Disorder
Diminished Attention Span
Social Identity Problem
Anxiety
Difficulty Relating to Peers
People Pleasing/ Fear of Abandonment
Lowered Self-Sufficiency
Memory Loss
Suicidal Ideation

Symptoms

I've logged and paraphrased symptoms from a collection of studies:

anxious attachment or separation
unusual distress during transitions from one parent to the other
failure to achieve expected levels of impulse control
problems with self-esteem resulting from being overvalued in ways that are detrimental and undervalued in ways that would be helpful
problems with reality testing resulting from mirroring the psycho-social pathology of the alienating parent
problems with developing appropriate responses to grief and loss of significant others as a result of the loss of an alienated parent within an environment where there is no help with sadness and grieving from the alienating parent.
high rates of low self-esteem to a point of self-hatred;
significant episodes of depression in 70 % of the subjects;
a lack of trust in themselves and in other people; and
alienation from their own children in 50% of the subjects, which suggests that parental alienation is multigenerational.
poor differentiation of self (enmeshment with alienating parent)

_{references: Dr. Amy J. Baker 2005, Kopetski 1998, Salvatore Minuchin 1974}

How PA Is Identified

Although each case of alienation has it's own unique set of manifestations, there are 17 strategies in all (Baker, A). The dynamics are extremely complex. Also, research has only become more robust in recent years. For these reasons, proving it's presence isn't as cut and dry as one might think. To make matters more complicated, family courts aren't yet equipped with a protocol to handle these cases.

It's been established that parental alienation is abuse; therefore, can be considered a child protection issue.

Here are a few telltale signs that alienation is present:

parent/child relationship was previously a positive one; loving and close knit
seemingly overnight, the child possesses a lack of ambivalence with regard to his/her parents. The rejected parent is all (or mostly) at fault, whereas the alienating parent can do no wrong.
Independent Thinker Phenom: child will claim that their decision to reject the other parent is "all their idea".
child will make use of borrowed scenarios for their reasoning as to why they no longer want to continue the relationship
favored parent employs alienation strategies
child and favored parent have a noticeably enmeshed relationship (especially when others are present)

Children crave homeostasis. Instinctually, it is not natural for a child to deny a parent. In fact, although disturbing, it's been found that children are more likely to protect their abusive parent than they are to reject them.

Since the target parent does not typically threaten to withhold love, the child feels "safer" to reject them, as they sense that this parent will also forgive them for doing so. This is why some refer to the target parent as the chosen parent.

Erasing & Replacing

In recent years, we are seeing an uptick in cases where a step-parent plays the active role as alienator.

When a new adult enters the already dysfunctional dynamic, life can become extremely stressful for all. The parent and stepparent join forces and begin efforts to "erase & replace" the rejected parent in the mind of the child.

Soon, the child is encouraged to refer to the target parent by their first name, and begin using the term of endearment ("mom" or "dad") for only the stepparent. By doing so, the child receives the message that their other parent is less-important, irrelevant, and/or undeserving of love and respect. The child is also forced to suppress the natural biological and emotional ties he/she has with their parent, and replace it with indifference (and later, hatred).

Effects on the Target Parent

This section is coming soon! As a TP myself, I wanted to take some time to curate this portion (as I have with the entire page) so as to best inform those interested in supporting the friend or loved one that might've provided you with this link. Thanks much for your patience. Please check back in a few days on it's progress!

only cases involving alienation: target parent will be accused of both abandonment and stalking behavior.

17 Strategies of Parental Alienation

Badmouthing / Denigrating the Target Parent – Alienating parent (AP) uses verbal and non-verbal communications that convey to the child that the targeted parent (TP) is unloving, unsafe, and unavailable. Existing flaws are exaggerated, and non-existent flaws are manufactured. Statements are made frequently, intensely, with great sincerity, and unbalanced by anything positive.
Limiting Contact – The AP violates parenting plans and/or takes advantage of ambiguities in the plan to maximize time with the child. The TP has fewer opportunities to counter the badmouthing message, leading to the attenuation of the parent–child attachment relationship. The child acclimates to spending less time with the TP and the court might even reward the AP by instituting the new “status quo” as the permanent schedule.
Interfering with Communication – The AP demands constant access to the child when the child is with the TP but does not reciprocate when the child is with him/her. Phones are not answered, e-mail messages are blocked, and messages are not forwarded. The TP has fewer opportunities to be a part of the child’s daily world and share with the child the small moments that make up a child’s life.
Interfering with Symbolic Communication – Thinking about, talking about, and looking at pictures of a parent while away can help a child feel close and connected to an absent parent. The AP creates an environment in which the child does not feel free to engage in these activities with respect to the TP. Alienating parents, however, are able to make their presence felt to the child even when the child is with the TP. The child is preoccupied with thoughts of the AP, making frequent calls to check in, following rules imposed by the AP, worrying that the AP will be upset or angry. The child’s mind and heart are preoccupied with the AP and there is no room left for the child’s thoughts and feelings about the TP.
Withdrawal of Love – APs make their approval of paramount importance to the child; so much so that the child would do anything to avoid the loss of love that is experienced when the child has disappointed or angered that parent. Typically, what angers and hurts the AP most is the child’s love and affection for the TP. Thus, in order to secure the love of one parent, the child must relinquish the love of the other. Although this is not something likely to be explicit to the child, it will be apparent to the TP that the child lives in fear of losing the AP’s love and approval.
Telling the Child that the TP is Dangerous – A particular form of badmouthing, this involves creating the impression in the child that the TP is or has been dangerous. Stories might be told about ways in which the TP has tried to harm the child, about which the child has no memory but will believe to be true nonetheless, especially if the story is told often enough.
Forcing Child to Choose – The AP will exploit ambiguities in the parenting plan and create opportunities to seduce/compel the child away from the TP by scheduling competing activities and promising valued items and privileges. If both parents are present at the same event/location the child will favor the AP and ignore or be rude to the TP.
Telling the Child that the TP does not Love Him or Her – Another specific form of badmouthing occurs when the AP allows or encourages the child to conclude that the TP does not love him or her. The AP might make statements that conflate the end of the marriage with the end of the parent’s love of the child (i.e., Mommy left us, or Daddy doesn’t love us anymore). The AP will foster the belief in the child that she is being rejected by the TP and distort every situation to make it appear as if that is the case.
Confiding in the Child – The AP will involve the child in discussions about legal matters and share with the child personal and private information about the TP that the child has no need to know. The AP will portray him/herself as the victim of the TP, inducing the child to feel pity for and protective of the AP, and anger and hurt toward the TP. The confidences are shared in such a way as to flatter the child and appeal to his/her desire to be trusted and involved in adult matters.
Forcing Child to Reject the TP – APs create situations in which the child actively rejects the TP, such as calling the TP to cancel upcoming parenting time or request that the TP not attend an important school or athletic event. Not only is the TP being denied something that s/he truly desires but s/he is being delivered the news by the child, leading to feelings of hurt and frustration. The TP may respond by lashing out at the child, further damaging their already fragile relationship. Further, once children have hurt a parent, the alienation will become entrenched as the child justifies his/her behavior by devaluing the TP.
Asking the Child to Spy on the TP – TPs usually have information in their files, desk, or computer that is of interest to the AP, such as paystubs, receipts, legal documents, medical reports, and so forth. An AP might suggest directly to a child or hint that the TP has information that s/he is not sharing with the AP. The AP will likely create the impetus in the child by linking the information to the child’s desires (i.e., if we knew whether Daddy got a raise we could ask for more money and buy a new dog for you). Once children betray a parent by spying on them, they will likely feel guilty and uncomfortable being around that parent, thus furthering the alienation.
Asking the Child to Keep Secrets from the TP – The AP will ask or hint that certain information should be withheld from the TP in order to protect the child’s interests. Such as, “If Mommy knew that we were planning on taking a trip she would take me to court and try to stop it. Let’s not tell her until Saturday, when it will be too late for her to interfere.” Like spying, keeping secrets creates psychological distance between the TP and the child, who may feel guilty and uncomfortable with the TP. Obviously, when the TP discovers that the child withheld the information, the parent will be hurt and/or angry at the child.
Referring to the TP by First Name – Rather than saying “Mommy/Daddy” or “Your mommy/Your daddy” the AP will use the first name of the TP when talking about that parent to the child. This may result in the child referring to the TP by first name as well. The message to the child is that the TP is no longer someone whom the AP respects as an authority figure for the child and no longer someone who has a special bond with the child. By referring to the TP by first name, the AP is demoting that parent to the level of a peer or neighbor.
Referring to a Step-parent as “Mom” or “Dad” and Encouraging Child to do the Same – Once the AP is remarried, s/he will speak of the new partner as if that parent were the only mother/father of the child. This parent will be introduced to others (teachers, coaches, parents of friends) as the “mother/father” rather than as the stepparent. The AP will refer to that parent as the mother/father to the child and create the expectation that the child will do so as well. If the TP should find out that the child is doing this, she will be hurt and angry with the child.
Withholding Medical, Academic, and other Important Information from TP/Keeping TP’s Name off Medical, Academic, and other Relevant Documents – All important forms from school, sports, religious education, and so forth ask for information about the child’s mother and father. The AP will not provide information about the TP in the appropriate place on the form and may not include the information at all. In this way, the TP will be at a decided is advantage in terms of accessing information, forging relationships, being contacted in emergencies, being invited to participate, being provided with changes in schedules/locations, and so forth. Further, the AP will not provide the TP with schedules, reading lists, notices, and the like from the school, coach, doctor, and so forth. Taken together, these twin strategies marginalize the TP in the eyes of the child and important adults in his/her life. They also make it considerably more difficult for the TP to be an active and involved parent.
Changing Child’s Name to Remove Association with TP – If the AP is the mother, she may revert to using her maiden name after the divorce and will institute a practice of using that name for her children as well. If the AP is a mother and she remarries, she will assume the surname of her new husband and will institute a practice of using that new surname for her children as well. If the AP is the father, he may start referring to the child with a new nickname (convincing the child that s/he has always been called by this name) and in this way forge a new identity for the child in which the AP is the most important parent. The TP may feel distant and awkward with the child who now refers to him- or herself with a new name. The TP may feel that the name change represents a rejection of him/her and will experience hurt, sadness, and frustration because of that.
Cultivating dependency/undermining the authority of the Targeted Parent – Alienated children often speak of the AP as if that parent were perfect, exceptional, and in every way above reproach. They also behave as if they are dependent on that parent in a way that is not necessary or appropriate given their age and life experience. APs are able to develop dependency in their children rather than (as is typical of non-alienating parents) help their children develop self-sufficiency, critical thinking, autonomy, and independence. At the same time, they will undermine the authority of the TP in order to ensure that the child is loyal to only one parent. Examples include instituting rules that the child must follow even when with the TP, and mocking or overwriting the rules of the TP. The AP becomes elevated in the eyes of the child while the TP becomes less important and less meaningful.